Quick advice on bringing up re-connectign to my family to uBPw

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Been a little while since I posted anything. I wouldn't say anything has gotten worse, just definitely hasn't improved.  Been seeing a counselor for a little while and he has been helping me with drafting a letter to my wife about my feelings and what I would like from her/relations/life and those sorts of things. 1 of the topics is reconnecting with my family.

Very brief backstory. I haven't "officially" seen my parents, brother and other family for about 12 to 13 years or more. I can't even say exactly what it was about but it was a perceived slight against my wife... .so she claims. I have remained in secret email contact and have seen my parents a couple of times over the years. Many times in the past, and even as recently as a few weeks ago she would claim to have dreams where my parents would kidnap me or convince me to leave her.

Now I don't know why she even wants me around as she claims to hate me so much. She exhibits the classic " I hate you!... .Don't leave me!" mentality.  She despises my family as she thinks they are simpletons with too much optimistic characteristics.  It think it clashes to strongly with her attitude of I hate everything because everything sucks and is making my life miserable.

So later next week she will be attending my counseling appointment with me. This topic of my family is very possibly going to be the focus. I predict a great level of turmoil to follow.  The reason I know this is that 3 weeks ago or so when she asked me how my last appointment was and what did we talk about I thought "hey why not" so I mention the consoler asked about my family and if we ever thought about talking to them again. That's it nothing any more detail than that. Just the mere mentioning about my family sent her to an elevated state of panic. She claimed to have not slept well for the next 2 days with again those dreams of my parents stealing me away from her and making me leave her.   So she goes through all that just because I said the counselor asked about my family. What will happen when it changes to I want to re-connect and be apart of their lives again.


I honestly think if I told her I was going to see them there would be WW3 possibly. From her end not mine. I don't react to her dysregulation. And that makes her even more angry. The louder she yells the more polite and calm I try to become. So why should I live in fear of not being able to see my family? Is it wrong for me to want to see them and have a relationship again? I missed out on so much for so many years.

[Cipher13]

Been a little while since I posted anything. I wouldn't say anything has gotten worse, just definitely hasn't improved.  Been seeing a counselor for a little while and he has been helping me with drafting a letter to my wife about my feelings and what I would like from her/relations/life and those sorts of things. 1 of the topics is reconnecting with my family.

Very brief backstory. I haven't "officially" seen my parents, brother and other family for about 12 to 13 years or more. I can't even say exactly what it was about but it was a perceived slight against my wife... .so she claims. I have remained in secret email contact and have seen my parents a couple of times over the years. Many times in the past, and even as recently as a few weeks ago she would claim to have dreams where my parents would kidnap me or convince me to leave her.

Now I don't know why she even wants me around as she claims to hate me so much. She exhibits the classic " I hate you!... .Don't leave me!" mentality.  She despises my family as she thinks they are simpletons with too much optimistic characteristics.  It think it clashes to strongly with her attitude of I hate everything because everything sucks and is making my life miserable.

So later next week she will be attending my counseling appointment with me. This topic of my family is very possibly going to be the focus. I predict a great level of turmoil to follow.  The reason I know this is that 3 weeks ago or so when she asked me how my last appointment was and what did we talk about I thought "hey why not" so I mention the consoler asked about my family and if we ever thought about talking to them again. That's it nothing any more detail than that. Just the mere mentioning about my family sent her to an elevated state of panic. She claimed to have not slept well for the next 2 days with again those dreams of my parents stealing me away from her and making me leave her.   So she goes through all that just because I said the counselor asked about my family. What will happen when it changes to I want to re-connect and be apart of their lives again.


I honestly think if I told her I was going to see them there would be WW3 possibly. From her end not mine. I don't react to her dysregulation. And that makes her even more angry. The louder she yells the more polite and calm I try to become. So why should I live in fear of not being able to see my family? Is it wrong for me to want to see them and have a relationship again? I missed out on so much for so many years.

[Cat Familiar]

Hi Cipher13,
So you're stuck in a holding pattern where things aren't worse, but they certainly aren't better.

As with many pwBPD, she has prevented you from seeing your family for years due to some seemingly aggrieved slight that she perceived was directed her way. This is such a common story with pwBPD.

Even though things are rocky with her, you're hesitant to even approach talking about the subject of your family, fearing that she will have a major meltdown.

And though you don't react to her dysregulations, she just gets angrier--an extinction burst. Certainly they're not pleasant to experience, but what if you just resumed contact with your family and let the chips fall where they may? What would be the worst case scenario with her? And how would that be different than what you're experiencing now?

Cat

[Notwendy]

I would agree with Cat. Just let her know you are talking to your family and do it ( be in contact with them) and let her deal with that. It won't be easy but I think this is the kind of thing that a discussion isn't going to solve and it will be an ongoing conflict. So long as you continue to not do things that are important to you ( and aren't wrong in your value system) this will reinforce her protests.

I think in every relationship people may compromise on some things- choosing to attend a function with a spouse even if you aren't excited about it, or not going out with the boys to stay home and help out- but these are not aspects of someone's core values. Seeing your family is. It also causes them significant pain to cut contact with them. ( see the family board for sad posts of parents who have lost contact with their sons over some perceived slight on the part of BPD wife. They are grieving ).  This isn't who you are, and it isn't what you want to do. You will need to stand up for your core values if you are to maintain them.

Why is she going to the session with you? If it is to discuss this, I don't know if this is resolvable on her part. If the aim is to get her to understand and see your side of things, I don't know if this is possible to achieve with talking. It may be something you just have to take action on.

It is important to hold on to your own sense of right or wrong. Something like cheating is wrong, it is hurtful to a marriage but it isn't morally wrong to see your parents. In fact - every religion I can think of considers it a moral good to honor this relationship. The "leave and cleave" statement is often quoted as reason to cut off family, but I think this pertains to leaving the family home emotionally and forming a new family bond with the wife- not cruelly cutting off contact with parents for no reason. Your wife may feel threatened by your affection for them, but it isn't wrong to care about them.

[Cipher13]

You are not the only ones to say What would be the worse case scenario by bringing it up and saying I am going to just visit them. I think it is since its isn't as loud and volatile right now this feels like "rocking the boat on steroids."

To answer why she is going to a session with me, it is because of a couple things. First the reason for the last several session was for me to work on skills to be a better communicator and be able to express to her (without fear or repercussions or care of any repercussions) my feelings . I hold back. Big surprise I'm sure. 'sarc'  I have bee working on a letter/list and with counselors help I will read it or have her read it. The other reason is she has told me she can't/won't/and will never forgive me or trust me. She claims to want help to do so. The counselor has expended an invitation to help. He suspects BPD but professionally won't and would never diagnose purely based on only talking to me.

I guess I will see how this will go.

[Notwendy]

The trust issue may be her own, but what reason does she say why she doesn't trust you?

[flourdust]

Cipher13, I've followed your posts for several years now -- seeing a counselor and actually working toward being able to clearly assert yourself with your wife are huge, huge steps. Attaboy!

[byfaith]

Hi Cipher,

Has anything changed with you seeing your family?

I hope that it has. It takes a lot of courage to stand up for what you need and want. I know what my fears were. It took everything inside of me to press forward to be free of whatever hold my now ex wife had on me. Being with my grown children and grandchildren and having renewed relationships with previously isolated people has been the greatest joy since I have been free of this relationship.

I hope you are able to reconnect with those that you love.

BF

[Sama7]

Hi Cypher,

I was in a relationship much like yours for 7 years. It was a real self-esteem buster where my partner put up roadblocks to seeing my family, controlled friendships and finances, and would do the classic "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me. It may seem insurmountable now but you can change things for yourself. You deserve to live an unstressed, free life doing what makes you happy.

I wish you courage in your upcoming therapy session