BPD: I Survived (An Introduction)

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Greetings,

I've been reading these boards anonymously now for several months.  I had a somewhat fleeting but extremely disastrous relationship with a borderline that spanned a little over three years; though we married, by the time I had to get out we were separated and it was a few more years before the actual divorce occurred. I had a dBPDw, now my ex-w.   At the time I did not know this, and when she let me in on that Dx secret I foolishly and naively thought that "naturally, I can handle it - this is something love can easily cure!"  Wow, was I wrong.  As a recently-returning Iraq combat veteran, I endured a hell like I had never encountered on the battlefield.  This relationship began seemingly as what I had always wanted out of a partner and life.  I think that was why everything that my ex put me through was harder to stomach and more difficult to process. It's also why I kept entrenching myself deeper into the relationship while I saw it worsening.  The fledgling relationship that quickly blossomed into a marriage ultimately wound up as a major life event that nearly bankrupted me financially, emotionally and physically.  Back then, when the ex had told me she was Dx BPD among a series of other mental health issues, I was encouraged by her to read a few books (some of the big ones, referenced here by many of you often).  Two that stick out in my mind were Stop Walking on Eggshells, and I Hate You Don' Leave Me.  I wish I could say that I read them thoroughly and put many of the practices to use, but in a rage at my reading them she destroyed one, ripping it page by page and demanded that I throw the other away.  I wish I had found this board eight years ago! My communications and internet usage were heavily monitored by her back then, but wow - what an impressive community and set of resources you have!  

I can share the details of my entire sordid story later on, or I can simply related them as I comment here and there in relation with you all. After all, I have now come here formally for a reason.  The reason is, even without this (or any other) support mechanism, I survived.  I lived with BPD, mental illness, frequent periods of dysregulation, painting/splitting, emotional and physical abuse, substance addiction, frightening rages - and I survived to tell the tale.

What reading these forums and all of your stories has done for me was help me in retrospect.  I have long come to terms with the fact that 1) this highly toxic and dysfunctional relationship occurred, 2) that I was an unwitting but then willing participant, and 3) that I have learned a lot about myself in the process.  Yet reading your experiences and comments has helped me understand more, and sew-shut some of the torn stitches in my own healing process.  Maybe a better analogy is they have helped me better cope with the sight of the scars.  However you wish to think about it, I wanted to actually become a member of the forums here so that I could actively participate.  If not to offer help from my own experiences and insights as a non that successfully escaped a pwBPD, then for my own continued healing and betterment.  

As always, I remain
-XSurvivorX

[XSurvivorX]

Greetings,

I've been reading these boards anonymously now for several months.  I had a somewhat fleeting but extremely disastrous relationship with a borderline that spanned a little over three years; though we married, by the time I had to get out we were separated and it was a few more years before the actual divorce occurred. I had a dBPDw, now my ex-w.   At the time I did not know this, and when she let me in on that Dx secret I foolishly and naively thought that "naturally, I can handle it - this is something love can easily cure!"  Wow, was I wrong.  As a recently-returning Iraq combat veteran, I endured a hell like I had never encountered on the battlefield.  This relationship began seemingly as what I had always wanted out of a partner and life.  I think that was why everything that my ex put me through was harder to stomach and more difficult to process. It's also why I kept entrenching myself deeper into the relationship while I saw it worsening.  The fledgling relationship that quickly blossomed into a marriage ultimately wound up as a major life event that nearly bankrupted me financially, emotionally and physically.  Back then, when the ex had told me she was Dx BPD among a series of other mental health issues, I was encouraged by her to read a few books (some of the big ones, referenced here by many of you often).  Two that stick out in my mind were Stop Walking on Eggshells, and I Hate You Don' Leave Me.  I wish I could say that I read them thoroughly and put many of the practices to use, but in a rage at my reading them she destroyed one, ripping it page by page and demanded that I throw the other away.  I wish I had found this board eight years ago! My communications and internet usage were heavily monitored by her back then, but wow - what an impressive community and set of resources you have!  

I can share the details of my entire sordid story later on, or I can simply related them as I comment here and there in relation with you all. After all, I have now come here formally for a reason.  The reason is, even without this (or any other) support mechanism, I survived.  I lived with BPD, mental illness, frequent periods of dysregulation, painting/splitting, emotional and physical abuse, substance addiction, frightening rages - and I survived to tell the tale.

What reading these forums and all of your stories has done for me was help me in retrospect.  I have long come to terms with the fact that 1) this highly toxic and dysfunctional relationship occurred, 2) that I was an unwitting but then willing participant, and 3) that I have learned a lot about myself in the process.  Yet reading your experiences and comments has helped me understand more, and sew-shut some of the torn stitches in my own healing process.  Maybe a better analogy is they have helped me better cope with the sight of the scars.  However you wish to think about it, I wanted to actually become a member of the forums here so that I could actively participate.  If not to offer help from my own experiences and insights as a non that successfully escaped a pwBPD, then for my own continued healing and betterment.  

As always, I remain
-XSurvivorX

[livednlearned]

Welcome and hello 

I'm sorry for what brings you here, and glad you found the site.

Being nearly bankrupted financially, emotionally, and physically is definitely scar tissue that others here can identify with.

Are you at all in touch with your ex? It sounds like you didn't have kids together. Was there anything in particular that helped you put the pieces of your life back together?

How are you doing these days, especially when it comes to wanting or having a healthy relationship?

[XSurvivorX]

Hi livednlearned,

Thanks for the welcome.  I would've posted this in the "learning after" section but as an introduction I didn't get that as a option.

Indeed I do see that I am among many like-experienced individuals here. It is sad, but it is also reassuring.  No, we didn't have kids.  She really wanted them, but she could barely care for herself (she was sort of like my grown child) so I purposely made sure that was one thing I refused to bend to.  When she finally got to the point where she said "we're having a baby soon I demand it" was when I sort of had the other tipping points meet.

It took me about two years, a lot of self-reflection, a little counseling, and naturally - time.  But I did find a happy place, and I met a woman whom I actually learned love from.  Even as an adult, I had not really known what it was until she showed me.  We have a very happy and healthy relationship that we both know will be lifelong.

I truly feel like a success story, which is why I want to be part of this place.  Not every answer is "leave them" but as someone who went through it all, I feel like it taught me a lot.  It took me a while, but I recovered from debt and now work in saving for a real future.

The ex and I have no contact. On rare occasion she emails me, but I maintain strict NC.  I stopped being angry at her and with her, so I do hope she is well.  But she is no longer my "problem".  Last time I saw her was 5 years ago when she walked out the door after I said "I want a divorce." 

[Cat Familiar]

Hi XSurvivorX,
I’m happy you’re here and that you’re now thriving instead of just surviving.    
You bring a very compassionate and nuanced understanding and I value your contributions to members who are lost in the craziness of these relationships and are suffering.

Thanks for joining us and lending your unique perspective and wisdom. You’ve been through war and you truly understand how difficult some of these situations are. That’s quite validating for those who find themselves immersed in the chaos.

Thanks again for being here.   I can speak for many when I say we are eager to get to know you better and hear more about your story and how you managed to get to such a healthy place in your life.

Cat

[Mustbeabetterway]

Welcome XsurvivorX,  I am glad you decided to join and post.  It sounds like you have a lot to share.  Like Cat, I look forward to hearing more of your story.

Also, congratulations on surviving.  As someone who is currently going through a long breakup, I know that is a hard won victory. 

It's encouraging to hear that in retrospect the reading you have done here has helped you to heal further. 

I am curious to know what you consider your most important bad relationship survival tool.

Welcome again,

Mustbeabetterway

[gotbushels]

Hi XSurvivorX   

I welcome you with the others.

I look forward to you sharing your experiences.

At the time I did not know this, and when she let me in on that Dx secret I foolishly and naively thought that "naturally, I can handle it - this is something love can easily cure!"  Wow, was I wrong.  

Me too. My ex didn't share a dx specifically but she did tell me she was diagnosed with things she "couldn't remember". I remember that she got 2-3 seemingly quite serious medications for anxiety from her P. I too thought our relationship could handle these issues she had. In hindsight, that's quite an omnipotent assumption I had.

This relationship began seemingly as what I had always wanted out of a partner and life.  

Me too. Did you figure out what it was you "always wanted" in a partner and life? To share first, one of the things I quite desperately wanted was this image of a 'strong' sexually attractive feminine figure--a kind of opposite figure to the waif-type BPD.

I wish I could say that I read them thoroughly and put many of the practices to use, but in a rage at my reading them she destroyed one, ripping it page by page and demanded that I throw the other away.

Me too. My ex asked me to rip a book for her--I think it was Fruzzetti's High Conflict Couple. Aside from the aggressive behaviour, I think when a pwBPD hunts for your resources--it could be a good sign that you're changing to help yourself.

Last time I saw her was 5 years ago when she walked out the door after I said "I want a divorce." 

Me too--it's been about 4 years since I last had contact with my ex. I encourage you to participate here as I've found there's still value to exchange with the community here.   

[XSurvivorX]

Cat, Betterway, gotbushels - thanks for the warm welcome.  Indeed, I am glad to be here.

I am curious to know what you consider your most important bad relationship survival tool.

Hmm... This is a tough one.  Naturally, we're all different. I guess, I can sort of address this with:

Did you figure out what it was you "always wanted" in a partner and life?

In an a semi-answer to you both in roundabout fashion, life is a journey full of continual learning. Now, I'm not telling you all something you don't already know in this revelation - but for me, I think that I had the image of what I always thought I wanted. That was based on perceptions.  I have come to learn that what I perceive or expected isn't always the same as what is reality, and that was my issue and problem to work through. At the time, I wanted what I assumed was a "normal" relationship. To me this was someone who shared my same desires and passions, someone who wanted to do the same or similar things that I wanted to, someone who could really get "me" for me, and someone who liked to dress the way I am attracted to women, and enjoyed a good old romp in the hay on a regular basis. 

Part of this I think stemmed from my lack of relationships in my formative years. So to me this was like, going to fancy dinner parties, doing things that couples do, etc.  I wasn't entirely sure what I wanted because I had ideas in my mind of what I thought a relationship was like.  So on the outset, she was a lot of what I expected a relationship to be like.  That all quickly changed once I had grown attached, and after she moved in with me (very soon after we started dating, about five months or so).

I came from a very urban, city-limits area of a very blue collar town.  Growing up it wasn't uncommon to hear a neighbor and his wife getting into it from an open window in the summer time.  I knew no relationship was perfect, and by the time I was hanging out in the local watering hole of my choice, a lot of the regulars who had a solid 20 years on me would have to "have one last one before getting home to the ole' ball and chain" so to speak. So I always assumed it was a bit of bliss, and a bit of tolerable / acceptable pain.

<insert sordid relationship timeline here - I'll get to more details of my story later on, in time>

So after all was said and done, I spent some time really thinking about 1) what the heck just happened, 2) what my part in all of this was (and why), 3) what I actually wanted out of life as a result of this, and 4) am I really meant to be in a serious relationship?

I actually had resided to the fact that my foray into a real relationship and marriage had ended in an abysmal disaster, perhaps I was destined to be alone in life.  This depressed me a bit for some time, so I took stock of my life and looked it over and realized well, I've had a good run mostly, so if ultimately I am supposed to be eternally single, well so be it.  I had to become ok with the fact that "I didn't like what I just had, so if I have nothing again, then that isn't the end of the world and I can live with this."

So this gets me to

I am curious to know what you consider your most important bad relationship survival tool.

Self-worth.

I would say that was my A-#1, Duke of New York survival tool.  How is that a tool, even?  I'm not entirely sure.  But I knew that I was worth way more than I had just been subjected to as a human, let alone as a partner and spouse. I don't care how angry one gets, no one deserves to have objects hurled at them. Even if they did something really, really bad (and this is coming from a guy who was a combatant for a living, even!) People just do not deserve that.  So I knew that though I had been emotionally taken to the cleaners, I indeed as a person was worth way more, and had a lot to offer the world and to someone.

So, bushels, what did I really want out of a female partner?  I think I share a little of what you want. I wanted someone that I found sexually attractive with a healthy sex drive (and a healthy notion of sex); I wanted someone who was feminine, but strong; I wanted someone who was capable of getting "me" for me, and appreciating who I was and what I bring to the table (as I would them); and I wanted someone who was capable of loving me in the way I needed to be loved.  I am a words of affirmation person on the love language aspect (with a good bit of physical touch thrown in   ). 

Surprisingly, I found someone who met every single one of those criteria and she filled ones I didn't even know were available to want.  I really don't believe in the concept of soul mates and such; I honestly don't know what to believe in regards to all of that.  But when I met my current partner I was still married.  It was through work, and though I thought she was an attractive and well put-together professional woman, I never contemplated cheating on my dBPDw because I had integrity.  I was miserable, but I had integrity for fortitude, and I wasn't going to let it come to that.  If I wanted something better, I would find a way to leave so I could actually attain that.  I just had no idea that after our separation and our divorce that this woman who I occasionally would deal with through work (mostly conferences, about once a year, maybe twice) would actually result in a mutual attraction that led to what we both feel is the absolute perfection in terms of a relationship, partner, other-half, etc.

But to get to that point in my life, I needed to realize that I was worth way more than my dBPDxw had groomed me to assume.  That led me to having confidence once more in myself, which then allowed me to do oh-so many more positive things for myself, and with my life.

Therapy did help, as did some meds (but as stated in some other posts, I was getting treatment for PTSD from the war, so it wasn't directly related to my marriage, but it really did help with a lot of guilt-related issues I had overall). 

It took me a long time, and it wasn't easy, but I feel little bit of some Shawshank Redemption action going on... .Andy Dufresne, the man who crawled through 500 yards of $&%! and came out clean the other end.  Well, I had to crawl through at least a mile of $&%! in order to come out clean on the other side.  I didn't know where that mile was going to take me, but I knew it had to be better than the toxic cesspool that I was wallowing in.  Life isn't always easy, and even today it's not all rosy-red lenses with peaches and cream.  But dangit, it is ridiculously better than it was, and my current partner knows everything about my entire BPD marriage.  She is compassionate and doesn't even look at me like I was tainted or anything (a legitimate concern I had early on, as I divorced and was trying to heal).

If I can help anyone else see that there was a future after a failed relationship from a pwBPD, or even help people who chose to stay learn to live better in that environment, then I am all the more happy to do so. The totality of my life experiences make me the man that I am today, and bettering things, places and people is in the core of my being.  That's probably partly how I got sucked into the BPD realm to begin with.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi XSurvivorX,

I want to thank you for sharing your inspiring journey with us.  This really stood out to me:

I actually had resided to the fact that my foray into a real relationship and marriage had ended in an abysmal disaster, perhaps I was destined to be alone in life.  This depressed me a bit for some time, so I took stock of my life and looked it over and realized well, I've had a good run mostly, so if ultimately I am supposed to be eternally single, well so be it.  I had to become ok with the fact that "I didn't like what I just had, so if I have nothing again, then that isn't the end of the world and I can live with this."

I'd say that's about where I am regards relationships since my last (I say last because there's a strong probability there were others) BPD relationship.  I reached a place where I am happy to be alone rather than in a dysfunctional or downright dangerous situation.  It's not that I wouldn't even consider getting involved again if the right someone came along, but I do wonder how readily I will 'let go and trust' in the relationship should that happen.  I'd like to ask if you ever had doubts that what you were experiencing with your new partner was actually real?  Did you have difficulties in relaxing into the relationship?

Love and light x

[Lucky Jim]

Hey XSX, Let me join everyone above and say, "Welcome."  It's great to hear that you are on the other side of it.  Like you, I thought I could crack the BPD Code, but BPD proved too much for me.  I hit bottom and somehow emerged from the BPD swamp.  I nearly drowned in there, but now I'm on the other side, too.  It's tough to find one's way through the dark BPD woods, yet it leads to greater happiness, which is what it's all about, in my view.

LuckyJim

[XSurvivorX]

Thanks, guys.  Sorry I haven't been around of late - I changed positions at work it has left me with virtually zero free time during the day and by the time I get home at night the interwebs is the last thing on my mind.

Harley - It did at first, but it wasn't as bad as I thought (or she thought).  I was really open and honest with her about how my previous relationship has transpired. I was more just shocked than anything at how "normal" things seemed, almost natural, in comparison to all of the things my exBPDw had told me were 'normal' (i.e. don't even tell your mother you love her, normal people only love their wife and that's it; normal people don't talk to members of the opposite sex at all, etc.).  My current wife was almost shocked that I wanted to take up photography as a hobby because it was her hobby, too.  In my previous relationship 'being better' at her at things was always a trigger, even though that was the ex's perception of it (and anytime I was 'better' at something than she was, I was either stealing it from her, or trying to put her down).  So I was hesitant for about a year to even broach the subject.

She actually got very emotional that I felt I had to wait so long, and even be so timid as to raise it as something I needed to ask her permission to join in doing. Now we enjoy it as a fabulous hobby together, bringing us closer and having more fun in our adventures.

LuckyJim - I am glad you made it out the other side and the world is better and brighter for you!

[Lucky Jim]

She actually got very emotional that I felt I had to wait so long, and even be so timid as to raise it as something I needed to ask her permission to join in doing. Now we enjoy it as a fabulous hobby together, bringing us closer and having more fun in our adventures.

Great Stuff, XSurvivorX!  Right, you don't need her permission, yet it feels like one does after tiptoeing around in a BPD r/s.  When I first started dating again, I kept waiting for the axe to fall in terms of expecting my SO to get in a rage or throw a tantrum.  When it didn't happen, I started to see the possibilities in a healthy r/s.

Keep us posted, when you can.

LJ

[Harley Quinn]

Now we enjoy it as a fabulous hobby together, bringing us closer and having more fun in our adventures.

That's so wonderful to hear!  I'm glad that you felt confident enough to speak to your wife about this and also saddened that you held back so long because of your past experiences.  The after effects of a dysfunctional relationship can be wide ranging.  Your wife sounds like a very compassionate lady.  It cheers me no end that you found one another. 

How do you find you handle boundaries in your marriage?  I'm curious about whether the two of you expressed your values openly at the outset of the relationship?  Boundaries are something I've been working on and I think finding a healthy balance is going to be a challenge for me, after having no discernible boundaries with my BPD ex. 

How's the new job going by the way?  Positive move for you?

Love and light x