Going Downhill - where does it end?

[New+Scared]

Hi, this is my first post for a LONG time. Just opening this page has made the tears come - and that in itself is a worry because my usual condition is stoic, numb, "couldn't care less any more, I've had it" - yet the pain is there, it's so deep, it's (probably) killing me.

I found recently there's a genuine medical condition called "give-up-itis" where people eventually give up the will to live, and I found I was at stage two, at least.

Now I am  virtually housebound, never go out, lay on my bed using the laptop all day, apathetic, numb and unable to get interested in anything. Even taking a shower is a MAJOR undertaking and now I haven't washed my hair for six week or showered for three weeks. And I don't care any more.

I have come to realise - and it took me over 12 years - that I have been fooled, groomed, used, abused, by a man who claims to "adore me" yet acts like I'm a piece of occasionally useful furniture. And instead of heeding my current condition he resents it, because I'm not giving him the kind of full social life he wanted.

I already gave him everything. Everything financially. emotionally, physically, spiritually. It's not enough for him and never will be.

He recently decided with the help of his psychiatrist that what he needed was to find (with my permission and help) local women to bed with, to talk to, to cuddle, to give him attention and affection because I wasn't doing that according to him. And so low had I become, that I helped him and paid for him to join dating sites and go sleep with women. Inevitably that did not work out, as he still didn't find what he wanted... .and when I asked him exactly what he was looking for, he could not say. Certainly not just sex.

A week or two after that didn't work out, including an attempt at cybering a woman online who backed out because he was too desperate and needy, he decided to "leave me" - getting drunk and driving off without a clue where he would go.

That is a whole other story, which would take too long to tell, and would just be "more of the same". Of course he came back, and has now taken up his old life of watching TV, playing his rock music way too loud, complaining, going on the internet to cyber women and being miserable. And inwardly blaming me.

I TRY so hard not to be drawn into anything because I get verbally beaten up by the random accusations and insanity of the way he thinks. Sometimes I fail, and then regret the effects for weeks. So I keep out of his way physically and mentally, and have reduced myself to a nothing with no life as a consequence.

The lack of hope, the deep scars, the betrayal, the results of years of infidelity and loss, the worry, the everything --- but I am literally unable to leave. I'm now in my 70's (he is much younger) with no funds, no car, no family or friends, nowhere to go and unable to live alone.

There is no real point in my telling you all this, because any sane person would have left him years ago. But now I'm just here waiting to die. That's all I have left.

Just wanted to say it somewhere.

[Cat Familiar]

So sorry you're feeling so depressed.   

I know what you mean about "waiting to die" as I spoke those words to myself when I was dealing with my first husband's destructive behavior and that is exactly how I felt. And you too are dealing with your partner's destructive behavior.

With people like this, it's a bottomless hole of unmet need, as they seek something outside themselves to repair inner wounds that never heal. There's always something else that they believe will be the solution, but as they are not taking responsibility and working on their own issues, all these "solutions" are destined to fail.

You've done everything imaginable to try and support his endless quest for happiness, but in the process have ended up as collateral damage. That is something you can know about yourself that you cared so much that you gave unconditional support. But perhaps it's time for you to ask for some help for yourself. That sounds like a tall order, when even the thought of taking a shower is daunting.

Something to think about is that you are a very giving person. Perhaps that quality could be appreciated somewhere--volunteering for a local non profit where you could find other likeminded people could be a start. Or if you have a faith affiliation that you could renew. Anything that might get you out and around emotionally healthy people woulcd be beneficial. I know at this point, it sounds like these ideas would take a huge amount of energy and I'm sure that is true. But it doesn't take much energy to think about this and perhaps it might be something that you'd find some enjoyment at some point later.

I understand how debilitating depression can be. But at some point, it will lift and then you can have more choices about your life.   

Cat

[RolandOfEld]

Hi New+Scared, let me just say I can empathize deeply with the feeling of wanting to die simply because of the controlling behaviors and seemingly inescapable hold of a mentally ill partner over my life. I remember times where I just let myself fall down on the floor and lie there. Or hoping some car would come around the corner and hit me to take the burden away. I know the feeling that they have sucked every last drop of life out of you and there is nothing left.

But you are here, and you are writing, and sharing which means there is more left in you than you know. The fact that you wanted your story to be heard shows you care about yourself and intend to go on.

I want to second Cat's thought that they time has arrived to take care of yourself.

Who do you have in your offline life who you could possibly reach out to? Church? A counselor?

Sharing with you a Samuel Beckett quote that a member here shared with me at my worst that still helps me now:

"I can't go on, I'll go on."

Sending you strength,
~RolandOfEld

[New+Scared]

Thank you both. Your comments helped.

  lengthy philosophical drivel  

I don't want to be that person who always rejects suggestions, avoiding all solutions in order to wallow in self pity... .so what I say is factually correct although fairly unbelievable to normal people. Because of lifelong emotional problems - diagnosed schizoid https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorder in my teens - plus increasing agoraphobia) I have over the last decade ended up with no outside life at all, and no desire for one.

Instead of that, from my inner sanctuary, I became a writer, poet, musician and website creator, and that kept me busy and interested with a feeling of achievement all these years. I was self-motivated, but now that's gone and I hope to explain why here.

It's probably a blessing that I've been a loner, able to endure a larger amount of solitude than others, BUT (it's a big but) after decades of emptiness and longing when I first met my husband I did believe I'd finally fallen in love, and that my life could turn around... .become something... .especially as my main purpose was to help my husband overcome his problems.

I know, I know - it's the classic "women who love too much" syndrome, thinking I could solve MY problems by solving HIS. It took years of frustration and despair to realise he wasn't going to change - EVER.  

At that point I lost hope because all purpose had [seemingly] gone out my life, because I hadn't been able to change HIM, and furthermore I hadn't been able to provide for MYSELF what emotional meaning I was lacking. In two ways, I was coming up empty.

You see, I put all my eggs in one basket (stupidly.) Even to the extent of putting my earlier activities on hold. This was supposed to be THE answer; instead it turned into an even deeper level of the problem. I kick myself for being so naive, trusting, blind, and impulse-driven that I launched into this marriage without any thought beyond what 'miracles of transformation' I and God could achieve in his life. "Oh foolish woman, who has bewitched you?"

Nonetheless, I take on board what you have so kindly said, about giving to others. That for all my life has been my outlet and I have come to realise that - as I said above - I have that desire to rescue others or make their lives better.

Things have now shifted; there's been a seismic shift of that comforting landmass so as to leave me marooned.

Because I used to see it as a positive and good trait, my only good trait possibly (ha, my mission in life), but you see, this marriage has made a HUGE dent in that perception, because now I see the TRUTH, that I had a saviour-complex and I was WRONG. Tragically wrong! To my own cost, and possibly to his as well.

I also look back with new eyes to see the times I did this before to a lesser degree and got no thanks for it.

I don't blame him for being how he is, and it would be counterproductive at this point to blame myself for being how I am (these things just ARE) - however my problem is that I've stopped being able to apply the salve of self-righteous rescuer to myself in order to make sense of my life. A real double-whammy, then.

People will say, go back to your former activities. I've been trying, but because I'm so low and depressed and apathetic I can't sustain the momentum to do that. I no longer have self-motivation. Plus, there's no "going back". I have learned about myself and I can't UNlearn it.

This in time might be a good thing. For the moment it doesn't seem that way, it seems like the end of everything.

Thanks for reading!

[New+Scared]

By the way! I just looked at my own profile, and - wow.  I joined in 2009 and everything I said then is still the same now. Same problems, same conclusions, same feelings!

I had totally forgotten. Reading those old posts (22 of them) reminded me that nothing has changed, except my increasing numbness and lack of feeling.

At first I tried to hang onto the love. Then I tried hard NOT to feel love (because it hurt so much). But only today can I genuinely say that I feel nothing for him.

Progress of a kind. But reading all that was an eye-opener!

[loyalwife]

Dear Going Downhill,

First of all, I'm so glad you found this site. You are not alone and the feelings that you are having comes from the stress of living with a pwBPD. When I first arrived here, I thought that I'd failed in understanding or 'fixing' my husband too. Caretakers just keep doing, but the result can be that there is little left to give.

The writer, poet and creator is still inside of you. It sounds as though your husband found a way to take away some of that in the form of infidelity. There is no other word for it than that, and I am surprised at his therapist for suggesting it. Have you wondered if that were the truth or just a ploy to get you to go along with it?  Did the two of you ever go to couple therapy? And, do you have a therapist? Someone that understands BPD can be a tremendous help, for you. It isn't about fixing him, it's about helping you. My therapist recently told me that "If you want this marriage to work, I can help you manage or if you want to figure a way out, I can help with that too". You are worth saving, unless he is willing to do the work to change, he won't.

First things first. Do something for yourself, right now. Something small... .take a bath... .put some nail polish on... .brush your hair. Once you complete that task, take it up a notch. Get dressed and go for a walk. If you have headphones and can listen to music all the better.  Fresh air will do you wonders.

Make a consistent schedule for yourself, and get centered. Read about BPD, there are lots of good sources here.

I'm a loner, and understand that isolation is not healthy. Even sitting in a park around people who are happy and enjoying life is a movement forward.

You see, I put all my eggs in one basket (stupidly.) Even to the extent of putting my earlier activities on hold. This was supposed to be THE answer; instead it turned into an even deeper level of the problem. I kick myself for being so naive, trusting, blind, and impulse-driven that I launched into this marriage without any thought beyond what 'miracles of transformation' I and God could achieve in his life. "Oh foolish woman, who has bewitched you?"

You responded in the same way we all have in the beginning of a relationship with a pwBPD. After being swept off our feet, we believe that this person values us and would never let us down. It's a false hope as eventually the truth comes out and 'our dreams' are not important. We come to believe that their lives, hopes and feelings come first, and if there is time left over (which there never is), then there might be time for us (which there never is). In the beginning of my relationship my husband would wake up staring at me, because he was 'so madly in love'. The push/pull is so prevalent with BPD, that when you are 'needed' or fulfill a role for them, you have value. If you challenge them or make their lives difficult (today I am responsible for my husband catching a cold), then you mean nothing to them. All the while, our feelings don't change it throws us off. This is when we get off center, because it is not normal. Hear that, it is not normal.

I feel compassionately for you. I asked a therapist once if BPD could cause domestic violence. (I'd been threatened by my husband). She said that there is a choice that is made and it is not necessarily a part of the illness. Your husbands infidelity is abusive, and it is injuring you. Have you thought of it in these terms? Physical abuse is easier to see, but the harm from emotional abuse goes deep into our sense of self.

A woman at the YWCA Domestic Violence division once said to me "Take your cape off, you no longer need it". Women who 'love too much', naturally want to fix the situation. What we do is make it worse every time we think we can. Once I stopped pleading, chasing and begging (For forgiveness for sins I did not, go figure), his ammo was not as lethal. Just let go, and take care of you. This is one of the vital 'fixes' you can do for the situation. What is important is that you survive, because you are worth it. No matter how you may feel right now and no matter how low he has made you feel. That writer and poet is still in you and maybe you can help others by writing about your experiences. Such talent is needed in our world.

One step at a time, one foot out of bed and then the other. Just do one thing today, and then more tomorrow.

it seems like the end of everything.

This is the beginning of a new way of life. Take in as much from others as you can and rest assured there are many who are on the same path and you aren't alone.



 

[Cat Familiar]

I agree with loyalwife's thoughts that it is important to take some little steps to support yourself, even in the midst of feeling as you do currently.

I understand being a loner and I am too. Sometimes it's good to push your comfort zone and do something that it out of character for you. If you don't want to be around people much, perhaps you can take that caregiving part of yourself and apply it by volunteering with an animal rescue organization. They always need someone to walk dogs and pet the cats.

[loyalwife]

P.S. Going Downhill,

   It's good to hear that you are back after a hiatus.

At first I tried to hang onto the love. Then I tried hard NOT to feel love (because it hurt so much). But only today can I genuinely say that I feel nothing for him.

   Yes progress. It's time to take back that love and give it to yourself.

Take care 

[Mindfried]

Turn on Channel 128 on your Sirius radio. Keep the faith. Keep moving forward. Get out of bed, take a shower, take a walk, breath some fresh air. Know in your heart,  mind, and soul that no matter what you do it will never ever ever be good enough. You deserve a better life but it's up to you to get there. Every day that passes distances you from the grief and pain that you are feeling.

[New+Scared]

Have you wondered if that were the truth or just a ploy to get you to go along with it?  Did the two of you ever go to couple therapy? And, do you have a therapist? Someone that understands BPD can be a tremendous help, for you. It isn't about fixing him, it's about helping you.

Hello and many thanks for taking the time to reply. To your questions:

1) As ever, I trusted what he told me when he came home from his Psychologist, BUT, weeks later when the plan failed, he admitted that he'd emotionally manipulated me to agree to it. I think he might have manipulated his therapist also.

2) I have twice had short periods of therapy for myself - he's been with various people over the years, but in the UK it's VERY difficult to get, and then you are only allowed a few weeks. Nothing has ever been achieved with him. With me, it was refreshing to talk to someone but there was nothing practical to be achieved. I don't want to go again even if by some miracle I was offered it.

3) Couples counselling - his psych suggested it but we both agreed it was pointless. First, because he goes off the rails if he thinks I am suffering in any way, and secondly because he doesn't have any intention of recognising my feelings or doing anything to alleviate them. In any way. This he freely admitted to me at the time.

I read your and ALL the replies with thankfulness. I don't know how to reply individually so I'm doing it corporately here. Thank you!

The message you give is, take care of yourself. That is beginning to seep through my apathy. I feel a slight judder as this train starts moving again after being stuck on the tracks. But as yet, no real forward movement or hint of the destination... .nonetheless, I know there IS one.

[Cat Familiar]

The message you give is, take care of yourself. That is beginning to seep through my apathy. I feel a slight judder as this train starts moving again after being stuck on the tracks. But as yet, no real forward movement or hint of the destination... .nonetheless, I know there IS one.

You're taking steps right here to take care of yourself by telling your story. That's forward movement. As far as the destination, that will be determined with time, but the train is leaving the station.   

[RolandOfEld]

Hi New+Scared, what you describe sounds like a lot of forward momentum from your first post. I used to get extremely frustrated in life when I couldn't solve major problems in one fell swoop. Now I've learned to take satisfaction in the small victories and understand how they make up the bigger victory. One task at a time.

I think as you said your first mission is clear: self-care. This will take time. The next move on the horizon you might want to consider is seeking the help of others. As of this time last year, I had more or less isolated myself from everyone. It was also around this time that I took the first major step in doing something about the situation with my wife: I called a helpline. It was the first time I'd EVER really reached out to someone for help, especially about my wife. It was the first step of many.

I also want to second loyalwife's excellent comment that the writer, poet, and creator is still inside of you. I am a poet, too and I thought everything inside me was dead. But those things are hardwired into your DNA and can come back out at any time.

When I saw my therapist a few weeks ago she asked me how I was was doing right now. I started to give some complicated answer referring to what had happened yesterday and the week before and she corrected me and asked, "No, right now?" I searched my feelings and in that moment I was OK. When we are facing a situation like we do those moments, cheesy as it sounds, are worth everything. A sunset, a breeze, a song, reading a poem.

How are you right now?

~ROE

[New+Scared]

Hi New+Scared, what you describe sounds like a lot of forward momentum from your first post.
I think as you said your first mission is clear: self-care. This will take time.
How are you right now?
~ROE

Hi,
Right now I'm enjoying a bit of me time because he's gone "out for a drive" - even though I know what that usually means, either drinking, smoking (both of which he's supposedly given up) looking at porn on his phone or speaking to one of his girlfriend 'contacts'... .

But that seems to go over my head now along with everything else, and my cup of coffee and biscuit, the sunshine and calm day, and the knowledge that I did a bit of housework, and changed my sheets, is enough for now. I might even get in the shower --- whoa there lady!  One thing at a time!

I've gone through the "talking to people" stage and I'm disillusioned with the whole thing, but I have two online contacts to whom I write, and that helps. I also keep a diary for ranting! (and for evidence, but who is ever going to see it?)

So, as you said, one step at a time. I feel less desperate and more active that when I began this thread, so at least there's that. 

[loyalwife]

I've gone through the "talking to people" stage and I'm disillusioned with the whole thing, but I have two online contacts to whom I write, and that helps. I also keep a diary for ranting! (and for evidence, but who is ever going to see it?)

You will find that this is a big step in seeing the big picture. It shows a pattern, and it is telling of how 'crazy' BPD is. I did this for several months, and every once in a while take it out to review. My pwBPdh once said, "I'm sure you're gathering evidence", I just laughed. I told him that it was just reminders to me of the day to day.

Keep strong. You sound so good right now. I love the sunshine and biscuits with clean sheets, sounds heavenly. Find your own place of tranquility, that will give you strength, and keep writing.  It's the way to release and reflect on a life that doesn't always make sense.

Kindness to you.

[New+Scared]

Just thought I'd say - rejoice with me - today I did some major cleaning in the house AND had a shower afterwards/washed my hair. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's a BIG step for me. I hope this lasts.

And also, I have realised that since HE isn't going to change (in fact is behaving worse than ever) it's ME who has to change.

Since that is more within my power, although not entirely, it gives me back the strings instead of me feeling like a prisoner without hope. I may not change in behaviour but if my emotions and outlook alters that is enough to begin with.

I recently discovered (or, let myself accept) that my husband is a compulsive liar amongst other things. It's all part of the BPD but it's not nice to realise that you've been lied to for years. However... .grist to the mill!

Oddly enough, each new facet I discover is helping me form an overall picture that is REAL instead of a hotchpotch of suspicions and fears.

Now that I KNOW - well - somehow it's a fact I can accept instead of a contradiction of my dreams. So--- it's "better". Isn't it sad that it's better? But you know what I mean!

[Cat Familiar]

Awesome, N+S!      

Good realizations too about where your personal power resides! It's great when you start putting the puzzle pieces together and getting the big picture, unpleasant though it may be. But there's power in seeing the truth! 

I just did some major housecleaning yesterday myself. I'd much rather do outdoor chores than house cleaning, but it finally dawned on me that housecleaning is another manifestation of "self care." And that by ignoring it, I was feeling a bit undermined on a continual basis. (I'm very OCD-ish up to a point--I do really like order... .cleanliness is secondary, but it drives me crazy if I can't find things.)

Now, my next hurdle is paperwork. I've got some serious paperwork PTSD because I ran a business for many years and among all the hats I wore, the bookkeeping was the poorest fitting and most uncomfortable. That I no longer have to do that, I can easily let papers pile up and like the aforementioned housecleaning, I know taking care of it would make me feel much better--but UGH! the process is so unpleasant to me. 

[formflier]

  I used to get extremely frustrated in life when I couldn't solve major problems in one fell swoop. Now I've learned to take satisfaction in the small victories and understand how they make up the bigger victory. One task at a time.

I think as you said your first mission is clear: self-care. This will take time. 

Massive wisdom here!  Massive

FF

[formflier]

https://youtu.be/Ks-_Mh1QhMc

There is a big lesson here.  Fake it till you make it.

Also... the power poses really do change your confidence level.

One day you will realize that self care... that putting you first is "second nature"... .no effort... .until then... ."fake it till you make it."

Lots of other lessons in this talk...

FF