Just finished reading Stop walking on eggshells and wow...

[Dwight Schmuck]

 It was such an accurate description of my life!  We were in “couples” therapy (using her counselor) years ago just before we got married and the counselor had suggested to me at the time that there was a possible BPD diagnosis with my now wife, but at the time I didn’t think too much of it.  Years later now after actually digging for more info, I was shocked how accurate of a description of the behaviors (both non BP AND bp)... .
I am going out today to look for the book “high conflict couples” - I hope it helps... .
The chaos is too much... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Enabler]

Describe the chaos to us. There's so many good books available on the market. Some are more appropriate to us non's than others. For example if you have a tendancy to be a bit co-dependant then "Stop caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" is a good book. I quite liked Dobbs "When hope is not enough" as a practical and caring guide to stopping the emotional pain. 

How do you feel about being told about BPD a while ago and not looking into it? I wrote an email to my wife in 2007 after she left for the second time... .if I'd have put 3-4 of the key words I used into google I'd have had my eyes opened then. I feel like I missed a huge life changing opportunity to gain access to the enigma machine and understand my wife and my history better.

Have you read the information in the tool section to the right? The information is excellent and well researched. 

Enabler

[DoubleBP2018]

Dwight,

I understand how the BPD mention in counseling can be easily overlooked. When my wife and I were going through our churches required premarital counseling I discovered something that should have been a red flag but the counselor didn't say anything and I thought nothing of it. It wasn't BPD specifically, but in retrospect I should not have ignored it. Last year (almost 40 years later) I discovered she is an uHFBPD and I have spent most our life together doing all the wrong things in a relationship with a borderline.

I have learned a lot here, I think you will be glad you found this forum.

DoubleBP

[Enabler]

Last year (almost 40 years later) I discovered she is an uHFBPD and I have spent most our life together doing all the wrong things in a relationship with a borderline.

Hey DoubleBP2018,

Great to hear from you. 40 years is a long time to be doing the wrong thing. It's tough to look back oin the relationship and think, "what a disaster, I could have done things so differently and life would have been so much better". Realistically though, to last 40 years you were probably doing many things right, certainly to get the relationship to continue. After some time thinking about my 21 year relationship, I realise I was actually doing many many many things right, despite being told that I was doing everything wrong. It was the few things that I was doing wrong and the areas I was blissfully ignorant about like communication and invalidation that may have made the difference in quality of relationship. Would it have changed the outcome? Probably not... .and we're yet to find out what the real outcome is, but it would have been more peaceful. I initially chucked the baby out with the bathwater in the assumption that it/I was doing it all wrong... .but, to last 40 years something, however small was right and did work else you'd unlikely have made it that far.

The key to the work we do here on ourselves is to work out what did work, and what is fuel on the proverbial emotional fires that burn within our spouses. By removing the narrative of what is right and wrong, fair and unfair and focusing on what works to better the relationship for BOTH parties is the first step towards a happier and more fulfilling life. I personally have a huge desire to correct the narrative, to make things fair, to get what's right... .this has led to conflict which was not good for either of us let alone the relationship. It didn't resolve the narrative disconnect either. Sometimes even just considering timing of resolution, observing a situation for what it is rather than how you want it to be and considering the disorder as a fact in how your spouse might view things. Accepting the idea that although she/he might look you, smell like you and kick a ball like you... .she/he rationalises the world in a completely different way to you.

We can only change ourselves, it sounds very cliched... .but I have tried (and I dare say you two have tried) to change my spouse and failed, and there's good reasons for that... .the same reasons you didn't change when she told you to. First thing is to stop fueling the fire.

Enabler

[Dwight Schmuck]

Thanks DoubleBP and Enabler for responding.  
Chaos... . where to begin?
Quick background of her life -
Abusive diabetic “disabled” alcoholic / pot smoking alcoholic father-(now deceased)
Alcoholic mother-
Parents ran a video store in the 80’s to 90’s where she worked starting at the age of 12. (They rented all videos including x rated)
Her next job at 16 years old resulted in a relationship with an adult that took advantage of her.  Her parents sued the company and won a law suit.
She married a Mexican illegal who was working at the restaurant that she worked at only after finding out she was pregnant with his baby-he is now 21.
She divorced him after he left her- she took custody of the child.
She had another relationship with a guy who attempted to kill her while she was pregnant with his child. She had his child (who I am in the process of trying to adopt)
We started dating 7 years ago / got engaged very shortly after that/ married 3 years ago...
My second marraige- she is 9 years younger than me.
She is attractive, means well in her intentions, and is very successful in her profession-

[Enabler]

Thanks for the low down and that certainly adds some context with regards to the childhood and adolescent trauma. Although those things in of themselves don’t guarantee adult BPD traits, it certainly makes them more probable from what I have read.

So she has a very chaotic upbringing and a history of chaotic relationships resulting in kids and acrimonious break ups. What kind of behaviours are exhibited in your relationship with her and I aupppae the biggest question is, what is causing you the most pain and anxiety?

Have you read anything on the Karpman triangle? There is a link in the tools section or failing that, search ‘3 faces of a victim’ in google and there’s a long but excellent piece I think you may find interesting... .I’d pop the link in but I’m typing on a tiny iPhone. I’m making assumptions but would you say that when you met her that you rescued her and she came across as a victim, you were her knight in shining armour and she was your helpless princess? It’s a common theme.

I’ll be interested to hear your thoughts on whether you can identify with the karpman triangle and how you and her might slide from corner to corner.

Enabler

[Dwight Schmuck]

The hardest part of our relationship right now is the micromanaging of everything and how she has the desire and need to control every second of my life. If there is something that she wants me to do and I don’t go along with it, she lashes out and Or disassociates from me. So I live most of my life with her being posed off at me which i assumed was normal
In most relationships. 

[Enabler]

she lashes out and Or disassociates from me

Morning Dwight Schmuck,

Could you expand on this please... .does she lash out physically or verbally? When you say "disassociates from me" do you mean that she gives you the Silent Treatment (ST)? As much detail as you feel comfortable, but it will help the board glean a more complete picture of your situation. 

I want to know what the consequences are for you not being obedient. What happens for example if you stand your ground or stand up to her?

Enabler

[IWantToLive]

Realistically though, to last 40 years you were probably doing many things right, certainly to get the relationship to continue. After some time thinking about my 21 year relationship, I realise I was actually doing many many many things right, despite being told that I was doing everything wrong. It was the few things that I was doing wrong and the areas I was blissfully ignorant about like communication and invalidation that may have made the difference in quality of relationship. Would it have changed the outcome? Probably not... .and we're yet to find out what the real outcome is, but it would have been more peaceful. I initially chucked the baby out with the bathwater in the assumption that it/I was doing it all wrong... .but, to last 40 years something, however small was right and did work else you'd unlikely have made it that far.

So true! All these years I too have blamed myself for the state my relationship is at in recent times. It is only now I have stopped doing that and started working on one thing that is in my control - i.e. myself.