Cell Phone Custody and a BPD Mother

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Where to start.  Dealing with inappropriate cell phone usage of a 14yo.  Mother gave him a full blown iPhone about three years ago.  Mother bought the phone claims to "own" the phone.  Same viewpoint as S14 to me.  Mother has never put any type of controls on the phone.  It has YouTube, Netflix and full internet access, SnapChat and Instagram.

Along with some poor social interactions at school, I have been surveiling this phone closely for months.  I have found tons of bad content, bad interactions, etc.  Use of profanity in texting, porn, pornographic discussion, etc.  A few weeks ago I learned that he had watched the entire Breaking Bad series.  After last weekend watching Breaking Bad for the first time myself I alerted mother that the Netflix needed to come off of the phone.  No response.  No action taken.

Over the entire time he has had a phone mother has never found anything bad on his phone. 

Last week after finding a porn.hub search on his phone I removed internet.  Mother went berserk.  Mother went berserk about "what YOU did!"  Not at all concerned about what S14 had been doing with his phone. 

Awhile back mother had drafted some cell phone rules.  They were drafted strictly from her perspective.  Like nothing that happens at my house mattered.  I redrafted the rules and sent them back to her, saying, "he should sign the rules."  So on many occasions S14 will argue with me that he never singed the rules, intimating that he doesn't have to follow the rules.  I had only told his mother to have him sing the rules, said nothing to S14.  So somewhere it was mentioned that "I" had wanted him to sign the rules. 

I go back and look at the texts and e-mails and notice a pattern.  She had asked for the phone setting security code so she could have access like I did.  I simply asked her, "why, why do you need access?"  Then she switched, didn't answer my question, and sent a long winded e-mail about what I did, and she didn't have access, and it's not my phone.  I now see the pattern, anytime I want to have a dialogue she cuts the line off.

So yesterday I pick the kids up, S14 says he does not have his phone.  OK, mom must have taken it.  Well, what I found this morning was that it was S14's choice, an alternative put to him by mother, that he could take the phone to Dad's, or not.  He chose not to.  His reason is that it is better to not have the phone when with me, "because you're spying on me."  So he doesn't have his phone.  He also argues that I don't own the phone.  He also tells me that mother fully restored the phone. 

I have noticed mother creating more instances of S14 running to her.  At the same time, over something that was no doubt put in text, the whole group of "friends" S14 had been hanging out with over the summer have cut off communication with him.  He claims it was over something someone else did.  Sounds a lot like mother's projection and this has been consistent with S14.  Never owning up to his behavior.

It is all disappointing this week.  It was his birthday on Wednesday.  I had removed the internet from his phone on Monday.  Tuesday we celebrated his birthday.  Tuesday morning before school he discovered I had taken internet away saying, "I want my effing phone restored."  I let hi go to school.  He came home Tuesday afternoon and really was fine, enjoyed his birthday presents.  Same went for Wednesday, he played his new guitar in the morning, and went to school. 

Wednesday evening, with mom, it was as if he went through a change.  He was sending me text messages about how ridiculous it was that he couldn't search the internet.  He went on to threaten me, saying that, "in the end I will get my way, you know that, right?  So you can put parental controls on my phone or I can go behind your back and get my way."  Then mother's e-mails started.     
 

[scraps66]

Where to start.  Dealing with inappropriate cell phone usage of a 14yo.  Mother gave him a full blown iPhone about three years ago.  Mother bought the phone claims to "own" the phone.  Same viewpoint as S14 to me.  Mother has never put any type of controls on the phone.  It has YouTube, Netflix and full internet access, SnapChat and Instagram.

Along with some poor social interactions at school, I have been surveiling this phone closely for months.  I have found tons of bad content, bad interactions, etc.  Use of profanity in texting, porn, pornographic discussion, etc.  A few weeks ago I learned that he had watched the entire Breaking Bad series.  After last weekend watching Breaking Bad for the first time myself I alerted mother that the Netflix needed to come off of the phone.  No response.  No action taken.

Over the entire time he has had a phone mother has never found anything bad on his phone. 

Last week after finding a porn.hub search on his phone I removed internet.  Mother went berserk.  Mother went berserk about "what YOU did!"  Not at all concerned about what S14 had been doing with his phone. 

Awhile back mother had drafted some cell phone rules.  They were drafted strictly from her perspective.  Like nothing that happens at my house mattered.  I redrafted the rules and sent them back to her, saying, "he should sign the rules."  So on many occasions S14 will argue with me that he never singed the rules, intimating that he doesn't have to follow the rules.  I had only told his mother to have him sing the rules, said nothing to S14.  So somewhere it was mentioned that "I" had wanted him to sign the rules. 

I go back and look at the texts and e-mails and notice a pattern.  She had asked for the phone setting security code so she could have access like I did.  I simply asked her, "why, why do you need access?"  Then she switched, didn't answer my question, and sent a long winded e-mail about what I did, and she didn't have access, and it's not my phone.  I now see the pattern, anytime I want to have a dialogue she cuts the line off.

So yesterday I pick the kids up, S14 says he does not have his phone.  OK, mom must have taken it.  Well, what I found this morning was that it was S14's choice, an alternative put to him by mother, that he could take the phone to Dad's, or not.  He chose not to.  His reason is that it is better to not have the phone when with me, "because you're spying on me."  So he doesn't have his phone.  He also argues that I don't own the phone.  He also tells me that mother fully restored the phone. 

I have noticed mother creating more instances of S14 running to her.  At the same time, over something that was no doubt put in text, the whole group of "friends" S14 had been hanging out with over the summer have cut off communication with him.  He claims it was over something someone else did.  Sounds a lot like mother's projection and this has been consistent with S14.  Never owning up to his behavior.

It is all disappointing this week.  It was his birthday on Wednesday.  I had removed the internet from his phone on Monday.  Tuesday we celebrated his birthday.  Tuesday morning before school he discovered I had taken internet away saying, "I want my effing phone restored."  I let hi go to school.  He came home Tuesday afternoon and really was fine, enjoyed his birthday presents.  Same went for Wednesday, he played his new guitar in the morning, and went to school. 

Wednesday evening, with mom, it was as if he went through a change.  He was sending me text messages about how ridiculous it was that he couldn't search the internet.  He went on to threaten me, saying that, "in the end I will get my way, you know that, right?  So you can put parental controls on my phone or I can go behind your back and get my way."  Then mother's e-mails started.     
 

[Notwendy]

I see your point but it looks like some drama triangle going on here with S14's  mom "rescuing" him from your discipline and aligning with him rather than with you as two parents. I know you know this isn't good for him as a teen. Teens need boundaries whether they like them or not, and this teen seems to have the power of his mother behind him- which is too much power for a teen.

Unfortunately, I don't see a way to control her or what goes on in her home when she has him. She can buy him a phone no matter what rules you have.

Kids are able to process different rules from different people- when at one home- those rules are the rule. Your home, your rules,but the same is at his mother's home.

It may seem overboard but one possible solution is his own phone at your house, whatever mom allows at her house. He can leave his at home and when he is with you, he has his own to receive calls and messages on, and with your controls. If he brings the other one you can put it away and give it back to him when he returns. He may not like it now, but knowing Dad's rules may have an impact in the long run. This way though, you are in a triangle with both you and his mother at odds with the phone. Your house, your rules, mom's house, her rules. Sadly this may be the best one can do in this situation.

[Panda39]

Hi scraps66,
Welcome to the BPDmom and cellphone drama   There are many of us parents and step-parents that have experienced this you are not alone you are just the newest member in the club, aren't you lucky!

There is nothing more fun than your BPDxw buying your children a cellphone.  That cellphone package purchased by your wife includes the phone (usually the most fancy and expensive), the phone plan (that she pays for), a sense of control, a way to create conflict (negative attention is still attention), a way to always be in contact with her child (24/7 access is a must! During time with friends, during dinner, middle of the night when they are sleeping), and it also has the added bonus for your child because it comes with strings attached (I got you the most fancy expensive phone so you can show off to your friends and be "in" at school... .but now I want you to do something for me or I take the phone).

For what it's worth what you are asking for regarding the phone is completely reasonable but when has your ex ever been reasonable?

I agree with Notwendy jump off the triangle.  The "co-parenting" model isn't working here so it's time to switch to a "parallel parenting" model.  You do what you do at your house and she does what she does at her house.  No it's not the ideal situation but remember who you really control here... .that would be you.  Your ex is gonna do what she's gonna do.

Panda39

[Turkish]

One option is to confront this head on,  telling his mom,  "How do you think that the court world feel that you didn't take steps to protect a minor from accessing adult pornography?"

Yeah, that's a threat, and escalating, buy it might get her attention. 

Does she know about what he's been accessing?

[scraps66]

One option is to confront this head on,  telling his mom,  "How do you think that the court world feel that you didn't take steps to protect a minor from accessing adult pornography?"

Yeah, that's a threat, and escalating, buy it might get her attention. 

Does she know about what he's been accessing?

I have thought about this, but as a BPD mom, she generally goes the opposite of what I suggest.  Going to court has more times than not been a waste of time and has created more issue then you would expect.  So that is almost a last resort for me.  Mother has very well hone coping skills of lying and projecting.  These have worked in court with the very incompetent and inexperienced masters.

I had a therapy session with S14 on Tuesday night where we talked about use of profanity, how he speaks about girls, etc.  So whatever was discussed in that session has been undone.  I was thinking of somehow enlisting the therapist to discuss the same things with mother.

One big consideration for me is that S14 is on probation.  So he has to keep his behavior in check at school.  Me being able to see his texting and what he's talking about helps to do as much as possible to alert him about things he's talking about.  Like he was texting about getting in a fight.  After seeing that I alerted him that he couldn't do that and that he shouldn't get in a fight.

What I see now is this kid turning into his mother using the same coping skills.  During this therapy session I was presenting what was wrong about his texting traffic.  Use of profanity, demeaning language toward girls, porn content, etc.  Mother had removed his SnapChat.  His rationale was that it would be different, better, using SnapChat so whatever he was saying disappears.  Same with the profanity, he rationalizes that he's writing it in a text so it's not like he's saying it.  Huh?

It is as if he is trying to not enjoy himself while with me.  Maybe he feels he needs to please his mother in that way. 

[Woodchuck]

Scraps66-
I can identify with the frustration.  I have had a bit of cell phone drama in my house with my 14yo and his mom.  We are still married but living separately.  For the past year or so, my S14 has had one of my old phones with no sim card, so it is basically a glorified iPod.  He started high school this year and there are a few classes he has where they need a working cell phone to participate in some of the class activities.  They are not required to have a phone but cannot participate if they don't have one.  My S is a straight A student and has a very good head on his shoulders.  He has had a few instances where I have found adult material on his phone but I have mentored him and he has taken it all really well and actually used some of his missteps in sharing his testimony at church.  Anyway, I decided that now would be a good time to get him a phone and my W disagreed.  Her thought process was that we didn't have them when we were kids so our kids don't need them.  I went ahead and bought him a phone and made the agreement with him that he will pay for the phone and I will pay for the service (he makes a little bit of money mowing lawns on the weekends).  I also set the rule that I could and would confiscate it if I found out that he was misusing it and that he would still be required to stay current on his payments.  I go through his phone on a regular basis and so far everything has been good.  My W will go through his phone multiple times a day, reading every message, looking at every second of activity.  I do not agree with this method as it does not allow trust to be built IMO, but I cannot control what she does (as others have mentioned in their responses).  I could go down the route that it is not hers, I am paying for it and she has to go through me to look through his phone but that will not result in anything good.  I have decided to just let her make her choices and continue to make mine as I best see fit.  It is not an easy line to tow but the only other option is to do everything her way as there is no compromising with her.  As far as influencing your son, what has worked for me is to share my shortcomings and struggles with things with him so he can better relate and see that he is not alone.  That also gives me the opportunity to share with him how my shortcomings affected me and what I would do different.  This method has really strengthened the bond between us.  Maybe trying something like that would help, if you have struggled with anything that you see him struggling with.

WC