Co-Parenting Counseling Is Ordered

[Newyoungfather]

Hello All.
I thought I would give an update to my special relief petition that I filed and some questions that I have.   ExBPD agreed to co-parenting counseling.  Lately BPD mom is being extremely nice to me via emails.

1.  What should I look for when deciding to choose a counselor, someone that has experience with BPD, etc.  ExBPD and I have to mutually decided on a counselor.

2.  How should I bring up her behavior via emails without directly pointing out her flaws.  I was thinking about starting the conversation like this "I received numerous harsh and threatening emails which makes it hard to co-parenting, because of these emails my attorney advised me not to disclose anything I don't have too, I'm hoping someday we can communicate better for the sake of our son.

3. If you read my previous post I'm planning on using my refusal of first right and being available during the day while she works.  Do you think I should do this while in therapy or wait until the counselor makes a report. 

If the therapist ask why I am here what's the best answer, I am going to incorporate something like to better communicate for my son.

Any thoughts and advice is greatly appreciated.

[Turkish]

It would be hard not to involve the CPC in triangulation, but it's good that she agreed,  yes?

What's your take on your ex's sudden niceness? Do you mirror it, even BIFF?

[scraps66]

Warning!  Careful with the niceness.  Coparent counseling with a BP is difficult at best.  This type of counseling, like marriage counseling, is meant to be done in a way that is totally equitable.  Meaning, it can't be pointed out if one parent is doing something bad.  This is one reason my ex LOVED going to marriage counseling.  The sessions, exactly like the two times we were ordered to go to coparent counseling, provided her a venue to blame me for everything and her to avoid any type of behavioral accountability.

I would just say, remain neutral.  Don't expect a great deal of progress to come of the CPC.  Also, be careful of what you present during the sessions.  My ex would use the sessions to collect data that she would then use in conversations with our now S14.  Inappropriate conversations with the child about things that I was doing.  It was very telling that S14s behavior during the time we were doing CPC was very bad.       

[Panda39]

I'm with scraps proceed with  about the nice emails. I would keep BIFF (brief, informative, friendly, firm) in mind here if you choose to respond to her.  You don't need to be unfriendly but keep your boundaries up her feelings/behaviors towards you will likely change.

Did the court give you choice of counselor?  Yes I would look for someone with BPD and DBT experience, also someone with child psychology in their background too. 

In terms of what you communicate to the counselor, I would just wait and see what they want to know.  I would also keep what is in the best interest of your son first and foremost in your mind with any responses, talk about the behaviors you are seeing from your ex as neutrally as possible... .less blame... .more you want to solve the problem for your son.  "I" messages... ."I" can't share information about my son if "I" am being yelled at on the phone.  It would help me communicate if "I" feel "I" am being heard.  How do you (counselor) suggest "I" approach this?

You might also validate the positive when it comes to your son's mom.  Lately, I've noticed that she is trying harder not to argue when she communicates and I really appreciate that. If you validate those good behaviors hopefully it will happen more often and you show the counselor that you are not all about conflict.

Panda39

[Newyoungfather]

My exBPD usually is nice right before a court hearing or when she wants something, its a way she manipulates and tries to show that she wants to cooperate in co-parenting, then after the everything is completed the mask comes off.
@Panda-yes the court is giving us a choice for the counselor so I am going to try to a find a PHD, not a therapist, and someone who has experience with BPD.

[ForeverDad]

... .the court is giving us a choice for the counselor so I am going to try to a find a PHD, not a therapist, and someone who has experience with BPD.

Don't hang your entire strategy on a lettered professional.  I believe experience dealing with BPD behaviors is key.

I tried to do marital counseling in the spring of 2005, so I searched for a female counselor with a degree.  My then-spouse of course refused to attend for co-counseling but declared she would attend to 'support' counseling for me.  Fortunately the office's director put her foot down stating that if I did individual counseling then spouse couldn't attend.  What a relief, a BlameFest was avoided.  However, the counselor spent 3 sessions asking about my family foo despite my descriptions of the marital conflict.  No suggestions, no ideas, nothing!  It was utterly useless so I stopped.  Months later I was even more desperate.  I heard the local university would do home visits.  Could that work?  No, I lived outside the county and that idea was nixed.  But I got one priceless nugget of wisdom out of that call.  The Psychiatric guy said "it sounds like a "personality dysfunction".  An internet search opened my eyes to PDs.  She fit most Borderline traits and all Paranoid traits.

My point is that a degree is not a guarantee a professional is better than others.  I made sure mine had a degree and she was worse than useless, she never once mentioned PDs.  It should have been glaringly obvious with all the traits I described.  Yet I got crickets and endless intake questions about my foo.  Seek someone who knows BPD... .and even better: how to deal with it.  Make sure the person is familiar with DBT or CBT therapies, the two best approaches to addressing BPD.  (There's no guarantee therapy will succeed, or even start, the pwBPD would have to set aside the extreme Denial of fault, Blaming, Blame Shifting, Entitlement, etc.)

Another requirement for a great counselor is that he/she can call it like it is and step in to stop a BlameFest.

[Newyoungfather]

Thanks forever dad. What exactly is "foo", I've seen this being bounced around on the forumns.

[Turkish]

Family Of Origin.

[Newyoungfather]

Thanks Turkish.
So what does everything think if I should tell implement my ROFR during the coparenting cousenling or after its over.  UexBPD has wierd way of turning things around and manipulation so I just wanted to see what everyone thinks.

[david]

My first counseling sessions with ex were a blame fest with me being the one to blame. I was not in the right frame of mind to deal with it and it was a mess.
We were court ordered several years later to try again. I was emotionally detached by then and things went fine. I was calm and never took exs' bait. I was always finding solutions to exs' complaints without arguing whether what she was saying was true or not. This led ex to increase her anger and make wilder claims against me. It was so predictable for me then. The counselor figured ex out in two meetings. The third lasted about 20 minutes for me and I was told I didn't need to attend anymore. It was court ordered for 10 months.
The third meeting started with ex going off about a school bag for our one son. I had a good idea she was going to bring it up because of an email from her. She actually compared a specific school bag and being a school shooter ? To twisted to describe briefly. I didn't agree or disagree with her. I simply found a solution that did not include the school bag our son wanted. Ex was so worked up by then she couldn't see the solution in front of her and went on another rant.

[ForeverDad]

If she tries to guilt you into giving up your time or tries to get the family counselor on her side, simply state, "I'm going to follow the order."  It's really that simple.  It's a perfectly valid Boundary you shouldn't be guilted over.  You might want to add, "I am open to occasional trades as the circumstances arise, but on a fairly equal standing.  However, I have concerns that if I trade time and you go first that I won't get my agreed time later.  So (1) all trade will be in documented form, either written or by email and (2) until we see how the first few trades turn out I get my traded time first."

[david]

All my trades with time are in an email and everything must be agreed to in the emails or there is no agreement to a change. It works the same way for either parent. I actually had it written in our court order that any change in our custody order can be done provided we each agree in our respective emails. Ex tried to get rid of it once but was told by everyone, including her own attorney, that it was a good thing to keep.