Declining to bring a forgotten lunch to a child - Part 2

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Interesting conversation. So I'll weigh in.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331439.0

FF and FFwife have a long-standing unresolved issue that keeps coming up at the heart of these situations.

FF is disabled and received disability pay. He also earns and manages the bulk of the family income via property management of rentals. Plus, he is working on an MBA in anticipation that it will allow him to work within his disability limits.

FFwife  is now working FT, which is a change from the past. She appears to resent this and also does not acknowledge FF 's total financial contribution to family income.  In her view, FF  is a stay-at-home dad with few demands on his time.

Accurate, FF?

Until this gap is resolved, each will continue to be triggered over situations like this.

[GaGrl]

Interesting conversation. So I'll weigh in.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331439.0

FF and FFwife have a long-standing unresolved issue that keeps coming up at the heart of these situations.

FF is disabled and received disability pay. He also earns and manages the bulk of the family income via property management of rentals. Plus, he is working on an MBA in anticipation that it will allow him to work within his disability limits.

FFwife  is now working FT, which is a change from the past. She appears to resent this and also does not acknowledge FF 's total financial contribution to family income.  In her view, FF  is a stay-at-home dad with few demands on his time.

Accurate, FF?

Until this gap is resolved, each will continue to be triggered over situations like this.

[formflier]

Pretty accurate.

She doesn't bring it up as much as she used to... .but I'm sure it's still there.

I suspect she is struggling with invalidating herself... .because she is really getting a lot out of her work and is doing great at it.  Test score improvements are double that of other teachers... .for a similar population of students.

So... she claims or claimed to hate it... .yet is actually liking it.  I suspect in another year or so there will be a "poof"... and she will have always liked it.  Who knows.

Update:  My wife came home and was in regular to a bit more upbeat than normal mood.  She didn't mention it... .the lunch thing... .nor did I.

We had to run out to the notary and sign over a deed (the real estate holdings keep shrinking... little by little).  Then we put the deed in the overnight and grabbed a quick bite of dinner to celebrate.  Ran a few other errands and now are back home. 

I had a wonderful time with her tonight. 

My big picture is that I enjoy my relationship with her when it's enjoyable.  When she makes crank comments... .I try not to take it personally... and move forward with something else. 

When something comes up out of the ordinary I'll post here to make sure I haven't lost my marbles... .  Being ordered to call the school was... .pretty odd.

But honestly... .it didn't hurt... no resentment on my part.  More like... ."huh... that's different". 

As compared to the crack she made about my Dad and hijacking Thanksgiving... .well... that hurt.  Today's thing didn't register at all. 

Anyway... .I've got to get back to my MBA stuff a week and a half to go... then done with this semester.  Then... .4 classes after that.  Just 4 more... .!

FF

[formflier]

Interesting conversation. So I'll weigh in.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331439.0
 
Until this gap is resolved, each will continue to be triggered over situations like this.

Sadly... .I don't think it will ever be resolved.  I'm making my plans and decisions on my future and how I approach my relationship with the assumption that there will be no resolution.

My approach generally looks like being obvious to leave the door open for healthy communication about finances

and... .

Not waiting or letting lack of communication hinder moving forward with my life.

One of the things I used to "think" was "just a little more effort" was needed and then communication would happen and things would work.

I've had to do some Radical Acceptance, with my P's help, at understanding the impact of our FOOs. 

Sadly... .I find no evidence that issues get solved in her family.  People will stop talking about things that bother them  OR... .they will stop talking to the people involved.

If you stop talking about the issue... .you are "expected" to pretend all is well and solved.

It's multi-generational.

That doesn't mean I should give up or get a pass from trying.  But I would be mistaken to get my hopes up.

FF

[GaGrl]

FF, I wonder if her need for you to be a "certain kind" of breadwinner might alleviate as you get closer to traditional retirement. She sounds as if she valued the status of your military and then civilian positions afforded her.

I am retiring next month, and we are really re-defining ourselves outside what our former work and titles and income used to be!

[formflier]

So... .a lot of my "analysis" is reading tea leaves.  What she saw/got as "love" from her Dad was him punching a time clock and working hard.  (which he did)  He almost always worked lots of overtime at an Alcoa plant, extruding aluminum. 

Now... .looking back... .if I was him I would have worked lots of overtime too.  Then he came home and played golf.  Rarely did anything with his wife.  Now I get it.

So... .I haven't earned W2 income since 2015.  Yet the numbers on my tax return are higher than ever... .but "I don't support my family".  Sigh.

My disability is such that it's really hard to plan.  Zero... absolutely zero chance of me being a consistent performer at a job where people expect me to be on time and perform.  I might be fine for a week... or a day.  What I've learned is that if I stop  and care for stuff... .I come back quicker (let's say I loose a day of productivity).  If I decide to "push through it" and make a deadline... .which I can do, I usually loose a couple days of productivity because recovery takes longer.

Anyway... .when it's my own business and managing my own real estate stuff I'm more flexible and can deal with sometime tomorrow if today isn't working.  On days when things are working well... .I get as much done as  I can.

FF

[formflier]

 She sounds as if she valued the status of your military and then civilian positions afforded her.
 

I'm sure she did.  Although being "the Skipper's wife" did come with some pressure because everyone was watching.  I think she believed that was generally a positive experience.

Being the wife of the "county manager" was likely not positive for her.  BPDish stuff was in full swing.  Since my job was political, especially "political enemies" would be doing the "tisk tisk... can you believe what FFw as doing or FF family... .etc etc"

I kinda relished the pressure.  When you would land aboard the carrier, everyone was watching, you got graded... .every time.  Your landing scores were publicly posted.  I could let criticism roll off and didn't get too inflated by praise... .because I knew I could be "hero to zero" in nothing flat... .




She certainly felt pressure to have perfect family, perfect kids... .etc etc  Black and white thinking... .it was either all good or all bad.

Basically... if I could go back in time I would not recommend to myself I put that stress on my family.  

Hehe... .you guys kinda get a sense of me here.  Do you think I would be good working for a bunch of politicians (county commissioners).  I wasn't a good fit.

I'm glad I did the job for a while and I loved everything from me down (400ish employees, 30-40 million buck budget... etc etc) but from me up (answering to 5 politicians)... .yeah... that wasn't so cool.

I'm a pretty straight laced guy.  No management shenanigans... .I'm not much for "massaging the numbers" and all that.  That didn't sit to well with guys that wanted the numbers to look different.

Anyway... .I digress.  

FF

[Notwendy]

FF, sometimes I think the "reason" is a moving goal, but there needs to be a "reason" for being unhappy ( a form of projection).  Every job has it's benefits and stresses. Military wife, politician's wife, or working mother- all have their "reasons" for her feelings. This situation may be her current "reason" but I would be willing to bet that, even if you went back into the workforce and she quit and stayed home, her ways of thinking about things- the BPD pattern, would not change.

What is interesting about the lunch "problem" is that, it isn't a problem. It's a situation with a  built in solution. When a molehill turns into a mountain- I suspect there are resentments and dysfunctional dynamics between two people, and possibly unmet emotional needs. Your child didn't need to have anyone bring a lunch, because there was money in the school cafeteria account.  Somehow emotionally, your wife "needed" you to do something about it. It didn't make logical sense to you, but the "need" is emotional, not logical. When your response was based on logic, it didn't address the need and then your wife got upset.

I'm not suggesting you do everything asked of you to try to accommodate this "need". That would result on a lot of resentment on your part. I've experienced these kinds of requests and doing things I don't want to do, that have simple solutions but I do them to avoid a conflict result in me feeling resentful. The examples I have given in my other thread, such as preparing a meal, or cleaning some dishes are examples of emotionally driven needs for me to do that. Skip mentioned- why is there an argument over a $3 lunch? One could also ask, if I am generally OK with the role of cook/dishwasher - why, if on occasion does asking my H to help result in a big argument?

Is a $3 lunch or washing a few dishes worth a battle? No, not to me, which is one reason I just go ahead and do them,  but for reasons I don't understand, my H has dug his heels in over this task. Why was your wife insistent that you bring the lunch or call rather than just do the simple task of telling your child to get a cafeteria lunch? There is likely an emotional component to this.

My BPD mother does this kind of thing. She will act helpless and make requests that people do things for her that she can do herself, or want a particular person to do something for her. Once we were visiting and she asked for one of my kids to do something for her. The child was in the other room and I was right there, so I said " I will do it". She got agitated and snapped " No, I want Grandchild to do it!".  The need was not  just for the job to get done. I was right there willing to do it. The "need" included the child stopping what they were doing to do something for her.

I think we get sensitized to this dynamic and can respond with irritation over time and this fuels the drama in these interactions. I don't think it is good to just ignore the resentment and do these things to keep the peace,  but saying no to them is also likely to invoke a reaction due to the emotions behind the request.

I don't think guessing at reasons for them is always accurate, and mind reading can lead us to wrong conclusions, but I do ponder them to try to comprehend. I agree with Gagrl that the dynamics of wife is working and perceives that this lunch issue is yours because you are not at work may be behind this. Even if on paper, you are earning income and also still doing valuable things with your time, the logic of this doesn't come into consideration because her feelings are based on emotions. I think similar dynamics are involved in my relationship. For BPD mom I think she wants people to pay attention to her.