Made it through

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Just wanted to update as I was experiencing a lot of trepidation approaching the holiday with my side of the family’s Christmas plans. Brief recap: my mom typically feels pretty low around this time of year and as a result she has a long history of employing maladaptive tactics to attempt to get my siblings and I to “prove” our love for her. This year was not unfamiliar but my husband and I were able to agree to set boundaries for ourselves and our children that would allow us to participate to an extent we could be comfortable with and I feel that we did a pretty good job of sticking to our plan. The curveball that I didn’t see coming actually happened on Sunday.

One of my siblings is diagnosed with NPD and has a long history of substance abuse. Although clean for a few months now, on Sunday I received a bunch of rapid fire texts from him saying that he was down at the crack house needing money to get out and couldn’t tell anyone else and could I “help” him. Being that this is his typical MO when he’s on a binge and I was already hanging on by mental and emotional threads concerning the situation with my mom, I panicked. When I received his texts, I had a reaction where I almost didn’t feel like I was in my body and then my whole body started shaking involuntarily. This is the same reaction I had at my mom’s last suicide attempt. As my husband held me tight, I just held onto him until I got to a place in consciousness where I could start my breathing exercise and eventually stopped shaking. I know I should’ve responded in a constructive way that made my boundaries clear, that I would not enable him and I would not come down there and put myself in jeopardy to give him money but instead I deleted the texts and blocked his number. It was all I felt that I could do at the moment. I was surprised when we arrived at my parents house and he was there but I had already decided that if he was there, I would be cordial but keep my distance. I fully did NOT expect him to confront me about whether or not I had received his texts or calls in front of everyone but that’s exactly what happened. All I could do was play dumb saying I had not. I quickly distracted myself with the kids and then tried to avoid him for the rest of the time we were there without “seeming avoidant”. It was immensely uncomfortable but after leaving my parents house I was able to go on and enjoy the holiday with my own family and in-laws. I’m wondering if now that the holiday is over if I should come clean to my brother and be honest about receiving his texts, my reaction and my boundaries or if I should just let that dog lie. I don’t want to have my brother blocked but I know I can’t subject myself to his addiction and the behaviors he exhibits when he’s on a binge. Is there anyone else that’s been through a similar experience? Did I do the right thing or should I re-address the situation with him?

[_inthelight_]

Just wanted to update as I was experiencing a lot of trepidation approaching the holiday with my side of the family’s Christmas plans. Brief recap: my mom typically feels pretty low around this time of year and as a result she has a long history of employing maladaptive tactics to attempt to get my siblings and I to “prove” our love for her. This year was not unfamiliar but my husband and I were able to agree to set boundaries for ourselves and our children that would allow us to participate to an extent we could be comfortable with and I feel that we did a pretty good job of sticking to our plan. The curveball that I didn’t see coming actually happened on Sunday.

One of my siblings is diagnosed with NPD and has a long history of substance abuse. Although clean for a few months now, on Sunday I received a bunch of rapid fire texts from him saying that he was down at the crack house needing money to get out and couldn’t tell anyone else and could I “help” him. Being that this is his typical MO when he’s on a binge and I was already hanging on by mental and emotional threads concerning the situation with my mom, I panicked. When I received his texts, I had a reaction where I almost didn’t feel like I was in my body and then my whole body started shaking involuntarily. This is the same reaction I had at my mom’s last suicide attempt. As my husband held me tight, I just held onto him until I got to a place in consciousness where I could start my breathing exercise and eventually stopped shaking. I know I should’ve responded in a constructive way that made my boundaries clear, that I would not enable him and I would not come down there and put myself in jeopardy to give him money but instead I deleted the texts and blocked his number. It was all I felt that I could do at the moment. I was surprised when we arrived at my parents house and he was there but I had already decided that if he was there, I would be cordial but keep my distance. I fully did NOT expect him to confront me about whether or not I had received his texts or calls in front of everyone but that’s exactly what happened. All I could do was play dumb saying I had not. I quickly distracted myself with the kids and then tried to avoid him for the rest of the time we were there without “seeming avoidant”. It was immensely uncomfortable but after leaving my parents house I was able to go on and enjoy the holiday with my own family and in-laws. I’m wondering if now that the holiday is over if I should come clean to my brother and be honest about receiving his texts, my reaction and my boundaries or if I should just let that dog lie. I don’t want to have my brother blocked but I know I can’t subject myself to his addiction and the behaviors he exhibits when he’s on a binge. Is there anyone else that’s been through a similar experience? Did I do the right thing or should I re-address the situation with him?

[Kwamina]

Hi _inthelight_

I am glad you made it through

The situation with your brother sending those disturbing texts sounds very difficult though. His behavior is extreme, there are different ways to handle things and though you might have handled it differently, you did what you did to protect yourself.

Your brother is an adult an he is responsible for taking care of himself, that is not your responsibility. You can be caring, but ultimately you aren't responsible for him and the poor choices he makes.

I fully did NOT expect him to confront me about whether or not I had received his texts or calls in front of everyone but that’s exactly what happened.

Was that all he said or did he also go into the specifics of the texts he sent you?

Did I do the right thing or should I re-address the situation with him?

It might help to replace 'should' with 'want to'. Do you want to re-address the situation with him? Do you think anything positive will come out of it considering his NPD, history of addiction and all your past experiences with him?

The Board Parrot

[_inthelight_]

Hi Kwamina! Thank you for reading my post and offering support. It means so much to be heard and have others here who are willing to help. To answer your questions:

He asked if I had received his texts and calls in a way that made it seem like he was just genuinely trying to get in touch to say hi or have a normal brother-sister dialogue with me. I actually had a moment where I thought to myself, “Were his texts just some kind of sick, twisted joke?” I happened to have my phone in my hand as all of this was happening and despite my protests that I had not received anything from him, he said “Check your phone.” I did and showed it to him but because I had already deleted his whole text thread and blocked his number before he could call me, nothing came up and I showed it to him as evidence. He muttered something about maybe there was something wrong with his phone and he needed to get it checked and he didn’t bring it back up after that.

In hindsight, I don’t know what his goal was... .I don’t even know if HE knew what his goal was. If I had admitted that I knew he was trying to get in touch with me and ignored him, the only way it could have ended was with him getting angry or making a snide comment and me sitting there and taking it (keeping my motivation to myself in order to protect the children that were present in the room from the ugly truth) OR me justifying my action by announcing that he had relapsed and was trying to get money from me for drugs (no child should have to be exposed to that crap). Lose-lose all the way around. I did what I did to try minimize the drama for my own well being and for the sake of the kids that were present.

Part of me does want to address it with him because the fact of the matter is that I lied to him and I don’t feel good about that. It conflicts with my morals and values, despite the extenuating circumstances. Will any good come of it? The only positive thing I think I could expect is that my conscience would be clear and I would possibly find strength in setting a clear boundary with him regarding his addiction. On the other hand, there is a very real possibility that he will blow up and attack me and it could be the end of my relationship with him. I don’t think I’m quite ready for that yet. At this point, I think I still want to preserve the hope that maybe we could have a healthy relationship someday.

[GaGrl]

Can you block his calls and texts permanently?

[_inthelight_]

Can you block his calls and texts permanently?

As of right now, they are permanently blocked. I can’t see a point in the near future that I would be comfortable in-blocking him. There’s a sense of peace knowing that he can’t reach me to try to pull me into the chaos that is his addiction. He also doesn’t know where I live anymore so I feel safe in my home where I hadn’t before when he knew where I lived. I feel sad that I can’t engage with him in a healthy relationship like I have with my other siblings but I don’t see another way to protect my family and my mental health.