Super conflicted, undiagnosed bf, poss BPD

[cshurt]

Hi Everyone.  I'm still getting used to these boards.  I think I told my story in the wrong place.  I am still in a relationship of 15 months or so. I love and adore him most of the time.  But the raging, the accusations that I havent earned, assigning blame and bad intent that dont belong to me are really getting overwhelming.  He thinks he is suffering from Post Infidelity Stress Disorder from his ex wife (and he may be), but I've been doing a lot of reading, and in my reading travels, I've never seen anything hit so close to the mark as BPD.  Everything I read about it matches him to the "T".  Its uncanny that I have found a name to the behavior.  His personal life is riddled with family that wont speak to him and friends that are very far away and that he doesn't speak to often.  He has lived a fairly successful life, but has jumped from profession to profession.  He never stays with any one thing too long.  

I'm going to make a very long story short... .We have been in this relationship for long enough for me to know that I'm not being treated right, but still short enough to hope that he will change.  I have moved out of his house, but I still go back there most nights after work.  He has committed to see a psychiatrist and a therapist.  I have no idea what that will entail. I told him we should maybe see the therapist together, and he agreed.  I ordered the book Eggshells on Amazon yesterday.  I cannot wait to read it.  

So, I'm just in the beginning of what feels like a new understanding, and trying to get help for myself and help for him.  I am shocked that all this time I knew something was wrong, but I searched and searched for answers and just found them a couple days ago.  I feel so relieved because all this time, he's made me feel like I'm the one who's always "Wrong" and I'm the one who is ruining this relationship... .I know I'm not perfect, but I'm nowhere near the monster that he says I am.  He accuses me of staring at other men constantly, he says I'm just like his ex wife, who did cheat on him, but I've never so much as had an inappropriate conversation with another man.  He thinks my ex husband is a constant threat to this relationship because until him, we had a very good platonic relationship (it's not necessary to communicate much with my ex now because our kids are grown up 18 and 19 year olds) But if I ever have to, it's hell to pay.  

My ultimate goal would be to stay with him, of course... .but recently he made that a lot less likely.  He attacked me physically and I had to have him arrested.  He is facing charges, and I was forced out of our home out of fear and true necessity.  I'm concerned for my personal safety.  It's weird to talk so clinically about this, but even before I found you guys, I naturally started to draw some boundaries with him.  We have reunited, but there are some things I just cant talk about with him at all.  Just last weekend we agreed to meet up with a friend (who knows NOTHING about the incident and this person thinks he walks on water) and sure enough, we were leaving the restaurant, and he no more than got into the car and I was most certainly staring at some man in the restaurant.  "Why are they always blonde, tall and look nothing like me?"  I literally had no idea who he was talking about.  So we got back to his place and I immediately packed my suitcase and fled.  I just cannot take that anymore.  I returned Sunday and he wanted to try me of my crimes again, so I left again.  It's exhausting.  But then things calmed down.  And then again on Wednesday of this week, he started in on my ex husband, who I have not spoken to, and how he's a threat to this relationship. I can't understand! He tells me I'm too dense to get what he's saying. But I'm a very intelligent woman.  I've had other relationships that have never been like this one.  So, sorry to get lost in the weeds there for a bit.  I ended up telling him that I was not going to continue to listen to him rant about my ex... .We would talk about that in therapy, and that was the only place I would allow him to talk about that.  With someone to help me express my feelings and thoughts, and someone to help him do the same.  I feel like I'm allowing way too much, even with that said.  

Thanks for listening to my rant, and any thoughts would be appreciated.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  I am glad you found us though sorry for what bring you here.

First, I moved your post to the Bettering a Relationship board because this is where we focus on learning tools and skills that can help us cope even as we are still deciding what we want in a relationship.  This is especially important when domestic violence is happening.

What you describe is very concerning, yet not uncommon at all.  I am glad that you have been able to remove yourself from the situation when he dysregulates.  What is the status of your relationship now?  Are you back to living with him?  What happened after he was arrested?

We care and we can help support you.  Keep posting as you feel the need though I do hope you feel free to jump in!