Adult Child w/BPD and Grandson with Depression

[charlie2]

My 32 year old daughter suffers from depression and I believe BPD. She is a single mother since her husband abandoned the family 2 years ago. She is raising one of his sons who is now 20 and has been in her home for 4+ years. The other boys are 14 - he has been living with me since mid-June when he and his mom had a fight; 10 with ADHD; 6, and 2 months. Thankfully, I have found a therapist to help me make sense of life. I still welcome help from others who have gone down this road. Over two years ago, there was an incident that broke the family apart. My older daughter pushed her sister into the wall, there were words, and then the older daughter wanted to get her sons out of the house quickly. The grandson who was 12 at the time, did not want to go so a power struggle insued. The younger sister who suffers from anxiety was highly agitated by the situation which led me to believe this was the "last straw". She wanted to call the police or definitely report her sister. At the time, she wanted me to commit her older sister to a residential treatment facility. She was very angry when I did not take the action she desired and eventually called child protective services. She told them her version of the incident which included that her sister had slapped the 12 year old. I did not see a slap happen. The older sister now claims that the younger one lied to a government agency and only wanted to get her in trouble and have the boys taken away from her. They have not spoken to each other since this incident happened.

My daughters are old enough that if they don't want to talk with each other then that is their decision. One of the bigger challenges that I have is that three of the boys are old enough to reach out to their aunt via various social media avenues. Their mother gets mad at me or doesn't trust me at times because of things her sister learns whether I share the information or someone else does. My younger daughter gets upset with me when I don't share things that happen with her nephews. Things that she feels she should know. There are no winners here.

I am often chastised for an unwritten rule that I have broken. I am learning that I do not always need to respond to accusations which helps some. I am open to learning other techniques to help alleviate the temptation to feel that I have "wronged" one of my daughters.
 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hello charlie2, welcome 

Wow, there is certainly a lot going on for you right now, I really feel for you, you have so much to deal with. Do you feel like you are caught in the middle, trying to keep the peace?

There is an excellent article on this site which you might find useful, it’s about triangulation, it might be a good starting point for you, here is a link to it:

Karpman Drama Triangle

I look forward to hearing your thoughts on it x 

[Harri]

Hi charlie and welcome.

I am glad Feeling Better posted a link to the Drama Triangle article for you.  It was the first thing I though of when reading your post.  It sounds like your daughters are pulling you into their drama and the article can help you figure a way out of these situations.  We can also help you with that as well.  Lots of us have been there done that.

Hope to hear from you soon.

[charlie2]

Thank you for your suggestions about the article. I pulled a couple nuggets from it and shared it with my therapist. Learning that although my primary point on the triangle has been as a rescuer, I probably have spent some time as the victim. I also highlighted the sentence related to ignoring my wants and needs. I need to figure out what those are and then demand that I get them. I especially appreciated "Giving up rescuing the other person is an action, not a discussion. It isn't something to announce to the other person. It isn't something to negotiate with the other person." Here's to all of us who keep reaching out to learn.

[Only Human]

Hi charlie2,

I'm glad you found the article helpful, I know I did. I think it's great that you found some nuggets to share with your therapist, it tells me you're talking an active role in the therapeutic process. That, for me, was a turning point in my own journey.

You have certainly come to the right place to learn other techniques. I'm glad you're here, sharing and learning with us.

Welcome aboard, I look forward to hearing more from you and thank you for keeping us updated.

Take good care,

~ OH