[newbie] parenting 17yo from Wilderness to RTC - homevisits

[bldrmama]

I'm new here, and already feel like you all (I've never met) "get" me/my family in a way no one else can. I'm just feeling so alone in other areas.

Are there other families here who have gone the Woods/Residential Treatment Center (RTC) route? I have LOTS of support from those families, but none of them seem to "get" the BPD components. Most of those families work to address addiction, behavioral and family system components, but not BPD.

Our 17yr old son (with BPD) seems to be "running his game" at program, and I have two concerns in particular:

1) the RTC seems to be patching the behavior at program, but not working on long-term family repair/reconnection, wondering if others have worked with this and what others have done?

2) home visits (about one week/month) are 90% good enuf (yeah!) 10% retraumatizing, and I need more ideas/suggestions in how to intervene with the anger/control/manipulation erupts.

I've read a ton of BPD books/research, well-versed in DBT and co-dependency, so I “know” the cognitive components; however…. …it is my kiddo (we only have one), and in the moment I just get flooded with past traumas we’ve been through, the family dynamics, future worries… I get caught.
I'm no longer reactive/inflammatory (Yeah!). The last time, I was able to sit there as he yelled, validating his feelings (didn’t help at all), hold boundaries about how I would be treated with respect... .but end up exhausted/spent, and he has this narrative that he carries around to try to use to control us more.
I am at a loss of options in the moment.  His next home visit is in 9 days, and I can feel my hubby and I started to put up our guards... .

Thank you in advance for reading/listening. (I already feel a little lighter)

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi bldrmama and Welcome to BPD Family.

I looked into Residential Treatment for my 25-year-old daughter (DD25) but there were obstacles. Firstly, she's an adult with a child of her own and has told me she will not "go away" for treatment.

1) the RTC seems to be patching the behavior at program, but not working on long-term family repair/reconnection, wondering if others have worked with this and what others have done?

Repair and reconnection, preserving the family, is the primary focus and goal of BPD Family, so you are in good company.

The last time, I was able to sit there as he yelled, validating his feelings (didn’t help at all), hold boundaries about how I would be treated with respect... .but end up exhausted/spent

I'm short on time at the moment but wanted to comment on what you said here. It's definitely a challenge to learn new ways and to practice the tools and it can take a lot out of us emotionally. Are you also seeing a Therapist? It was so helpful to me to have a T who has experience with BPD.

I'm glad you're here, reaching out for support for yourself. 

~ OH