No real updates, just processing

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi everyone,

I hope you're all enjoying the holidays or at least getting some peace and quiet.  This time of year can be very difficult.

DH and I just got back from a long tropical vacation. It was lovely and very relaxing. We have next week off work as well so we are hibernating with our dogs and working on some home projects we haven't had time for. It's nice. This is the first time in five years I've had time off work with no threat of one of DD's disasters ruining it. Last spring I had two weeks off school but still had to work. All I wanted to do that weekend was plant a vegetable garden. I ended up taking off work several days anyway and cleaning out DD's old apartment. It was a nightmare.

I started feeling waves of panic at the airport waiting for our plane. I am so preconditioned to expect disaster coming home, whether it's from business trips or vacation. Hell, I literally spent an entire plane ride across the country for work chatting on the internet with DD, sending her money through Western Union and talking her down from a panic attack so she could make it to her first day of work earlier this year. One of the three jobs that lasted exactly two days. I had to leave my personal cell phone at hotels during important business meetings because I knew if I saw calls from her I would melt down.

I kind of want to write down everything we've gone through to help her. To get it out, but also if I ever need a reminder as to why we had to stop.

We thankfully have not heard from her since the last email telling me what a terrible mother I am.

DH and I talked about it very little on the trip, but we both got sad for a moment when we saw something that reminded us of her. DH said he misses her but hates what she's become. What he means is what she has become with the drugs. The BPD stuff, it was terrible and difficult but we signed up for that, we knew she had those tendencies when we signed the adoption papers. And we had made progress, too.  She made a conscious choice to do the drugs. That changed everything.

I have been questioning a lot of things she told me. We suspected her of doing meth a couple of years ago based on very obviously meth-like behavior. She was living with bio mom at the time. This is right around when she got arrested for trying to strangle bio mom in another state. I heard two sides of the story, one from DD and one from bio mom. DD swore she wasn't on drugs which I knew was a lie. But I wanted to believe her. Later, after we'd accepted her conditionally back into our house, she told me bio mom had been giving her ecstasy. Which is totally plausible. And also plausible it made her act that way combined with days of no sleep. On the other hand DD is a decent liar and I was always eager to believe her. When she told me she tried meth, she said "everyone already thought I was on it, so I just did it." Ok, sure, maybe. Or she finally came clean because she was doing it all along and the guilt was eating her alive.

I will never know and the truth really doesn't matter at this point because the ending is the same.  

I saw an ad today for a non profit where for like US$54 a year you can send a girl in an impoverished country to school. That made me so deeply sad, that there are kids out there who would cut off a finger to get the opportunities DD had. It doesn't make me resent DD. Just sad.  And exisistentially really angry.

That was a long one. It's been a while. I'll try to catch up with the threads as I can.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Oh man I just remembered something. Like two weeks after she came to live with us after the bio mom incident, she went to a rave. A couple days later she had a "panic attack" (it was drug induced psychosis) and I ended up dragging her to the ER. Once they had her calmed down the Dr asked her what drugs she'd been doing. She looked at me and muttered "just ecstasy a couple days ago." the doctor said amphetamine showed up on the drug screen. She muttered that the ecstasy must have been laced with it and looked mildly upset.

Again, plausible. But she was acting exactly the same as she had the time before. I dunno. I wish I knew more about what drug tests emergency room run and if they test for mdma specifically. Both would have shown up if it was laced and they tested for it.

Again a useless black hole to go down but part of me wants to know whether I was that completely snowed.

 

[Turkish]

I saw an ad today for a non profit where for like US$54 a year you can send a girl in an impoverished country to school. That made me so deeply sad, that there are kids out there who would cut off a finger to get the opportunities DD had. It doesn't make me resent DD. Just sad.  And exisistentially really angry.

I hear you.  Struggles here seem like First World Problems. That may be how you and I view it, but for a pwBPD who also has substance abuse issues,  she is lost within herself.  

[Hyacinth Bucket]

That's not really how I meant it. I just wish things were simpler. That giving kids what they need could be enough to heal them. Like I said I do not resent her.

[Lollypop]

Hi HB

To me it sounds like you’ve really made some big steps forwards emotionally and it’s good to reflect. There is a weight in sadness, it can be inside but I also think outside of us too,. There’s safety in that cocoon, like a melancholic cloak.

I too look back at all the times I wanted to believe the lies, so I did. I was also naïve. For us, our son told us what we wanted to hear. Perhaps to protect us, but more likely because he didn’t want our reaction or the consequences. We were so sad for a very long time. The stigma has never left us - we live in a small town.

These are things that can’t be changed. You are in full control of your future together. Licking those wounds and just being, is the best medicine sprinkled with the kind of reflection that you’re doing sounds perfect to me.

I saw an ad today for a non profit where for like US$54 a year you can send a girl in an impoverished country to school. That made me so deeply sad, that there are kids out there who would cut off a finger to get the opportunities DD had. It doesn't make me resent DD. Just sad.  And exisistentially really angry.

I totally get this and felt exactly the same way too. I chose to donate to get somebody in a small village in Africa through high school. I figured somebody else should benefit from the opportunity that education brings. It made me feel a bit better.

Taking off that melancholic cloak feels good also. There’s still sadness inside but it does get easier. I hope you think of the past less, as you move forwards with lighter steps.

Hugs

LP

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi LP,

Thanks so much, it's so nice to hear from someone who understands.

I hope you think of the past less, as you move forwards with lighter steps.

Thank you, beautifully said 

[jones54]

Hi HB,
Welcome back. I hope you had a nice break from the chaos. I understand your feeling about an impending disaster no matter where you may be. When I have traveled the feelings of everything got better but never seem to go completely away.
As far as trying to figure out the truth of the past, I would say it is wasted energy. For so long I tried to figure out when my DD was using, sober or time of relapse. I was fooled so many times by her lies. At one time I thought she had been sober for 18 months. I would boast how great this was only to find out it was less than 6 months. What a downer. As LP said we should focus more on the future and not the past. With so many negative memories we have both had in the past it is hard( at least for me) to let go of it.
Again, glad you are back.

[Feeling Better]

Hi HB

I want to second what Lollypop said:

I hope you think of the past less, as you move forwards with lighter steps.

While you are processing these thoughts you are healing, it’s natural that you want to do this, and even if you feel sad, don’t deny yourself this time. You will gradually think of the past less and less. You know that you did the very best that you could for your daughter. She was so lucky to have you in her life.

Sending you hugs 

FB x

[wendydarling]

Hi HB

How's the home projects going? Boy I relate, I've just had a new kitchen fitted and front lawn, it's so satisfying and rewarding to get these jobs done that I've put off for years. Makes me feel normal! 

I kind of want to write down everything we've gone through to help her. To get it out, but also if I ever need a reminder as to why we had to stop.

Keep talking  HB,   I think it important to recognise the trauma we experience, we don't often use the word trauma, is part of our healing.