feeling alone in supporting my sister

[RainRain]

I'm feeling really hurt after my sister was triggered by something I said last night. She got angry suddenly and shouted at me, told me she wanted me to leave her house, and then when I got up to leave she begged me not to and video-chatted our mother into the room. I spent the next half hour listening to her yell and cry to our mother about my "attitude" and the tone of my voice when I said the triggering thing. Eventually I did leave while she was still in a rage and she stayed on chatting with our mother.

My communication with my sister has improved in the last years, especially as I have learned to set boundaries, and she has made some recent progress towards getting help after a major incident in her life. She recently self-diagnosed with BPD and is thinking about getting help, at least trying to help herself.

I have known that she has strong BPD traits for several years. I have learned a lot by reading and practicing better communication. I am very empathetic about her experience of the world. I just feel very, very alone and hurt when she abuses me. I also feel like I can't keep on being the only one supporting her.

I've tried to speak to my mother about her illness, but she interprets incidents between me and my sister as a "personality conflict." This is despite the fact that I have witnessed my sister verbally abuse my mother. My mother remembers this history and is also aware of the difficulties my sister experiences in her romantic relationships. However, she refuses to acknowledge that this is a serious issue, and is now suggesting that my sister and I seek counselling for our problems.

I feel really down now. I don't know what to do or how to seek help. Part of me thinks that I should go to therapy myself just to get the support I need to help my sister. But I just feel so exhausted right now. I feel like quitting.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi RainRain, 

I'm very sorry to hear about this most recent interaction with your sister that has left you feeling so sad and exhausted. I can tell you have been quite affected by what took place. When going through a situation like this with a pwBPD, know that it is totally normal to feel sad, lonely, hurt and wounded to the core. It's exhausting.

First thing is to encourage you to self care! It takes a few days to get over the triggering response that you are also having from her reaction towards you. Reach out here and do some of those things that you know are comforting and soothing for you. It's really important that you focus on yourself for a bit. Is it possible to step away from any interactions with her for a few days?

Many of us here are in T in order to help us learn how to function better around a pwBPD. It's a great help to have someone listen and support you, and you especially need the validation that you will receive in T knowing that it's not your fault when your sibling gets mad and rages like this. My mom was an uBPD, and I internalized her rages to the point that I believed I was such a bad person for triggering her anger and rages too.

It's a rough road to travel. We understand here, and I'm sorry your mom doesn't understand either. That makes it even more hurtful, doesn't it?

 
Wools

[RainRain]

Thanks so much for your reply, Wools. It's great to know there are people out there who understand what I'm going through.

Yeah, definitely not having my mom acknowledge where the problem is coming from makes it more hurtful. I want to have a serious conversation with her about helping me in supporting my sister; I have been reaching out to her for the past couple of days but she doesn't want to make the time to listen. We talked for a few minutes yesterday and I told her that her avoiding talking to me makes me feel like this isn't important to her, but still she said she had "stuff to do" (I know it's nothing urgent) and that she can't make a set time for us to talk. It's so hard for me to deal with her deep denial. She is the only person in my family who I can turn to for help and she is turning away from me. She has her own issues and avoidance is how she deals with them so I shouldn't be surprised that this is how she is reacting.

Is there some special way that I can talk to her to get her to understand more of what is going on with my sister? I feel like if she were to read and understand more about BPD she could be more helpful to my sister... .and to me, by being more sympathetic about her rages not being my fault. I know these issues so well /sigh/, I am often the person who gets blamed in my family as well as the one who patches things up.

Look at me just venting... .I really do think I need a therapist to support me. Should they be someone who has experience with BPD?



 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again RainRain! 

I'm sad along with you that your mom is choosing to avoid and not help you. I think that's one reason why it's especially helpful for you to reach out here, and maybe eventually to a T. Having someone to listen to you is so huge! Yes, if you can find a T who is familiar with BPD that would be the best. Ask when you call, and look for some referrals of good counselors in your area. I see an LPCC and it has worked out well.

Do you think your mom would be open to reading a book about BPD? Or do you think she doesn't want to rock the boat with your sister? Family dynamics are interesting because if you have always acted a certain way (you said you get blamed and are the one to patch things up), they probably expect you to continue in the same manner. It doesn't mean that's what is healthiest for you, and I can tell you are looking for a way to change things. Have you ever heard about Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)? This may help you with some clues. Another great piece of information is found in the topic of Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle.

Let me know what your thoughts are.

 
Wools

[RainRain]

Hi Wools,

Thanks for these resources. I looked them over but I think it will take a little time for me to process.

I got in touch with my mother and it was a confusing conversation. While she did acknowledge that my sister's behaviors are sometimes abusive, she also said that my sister says the same thing about me. Well, that's not surprising because I know that my sister's emotional experience of being triggered is very real to her and that after the fact she turns my behavior into the reason for her rage. What did surprise me is that my mother believes my sister when she says that I am hiding a side of myself from her. Of course it was very hurtful to hear that my mother thinks she doesn't know me.

I understand my mother wants to not be judgmental, to love us equally and be fair. But I think ultimately this is blinding her to the seriousness of my sister's issues. I told my mother that I am worried about my sister's behavior, that she is becoming more self-destructive and putting herself in danger, but I couldn't give specifics because that would break my trust with my sister.

I guess I've decided for now that my mother won't be the support that I need in helping my sister. In fact my mother pretty much put it that way... .she told me again that my sister and I need a counselor to work out our conflict. So I said ok, then you are saying that you want me to deal with this alone. I asked her why she never went to therapy with my sister, she said, "I just didn't." I asked her why doesn't she come here and go with my sister to therapy and she acted as though that were ridiculous because we are far away. Then she just flat out said no, she wouldn't do it.

Now I am feeling really resentful of my mother and it feels really bad to be cut off from both my sister and my mother. But I spent a lot of time with friends this weekend and taking care of myself so I think everything will be ok for now. I guess I'm asking myself now how much I can let go of trying to help my sister. Will she be ok? I'm afraid that if something happens to her I will feel that it is my fault for not having been around.

Thanks again for engaging, Wools.

RainRain

[Harri]

Hi RainRain and welcome to the board.

So many of us struggle with wanting to help our pwBPD (person with BPD) get helps so they can get better and to get the rest of the family on board.  It hurts to see the people we care about hurt so much.

I am going to say stuff I am sure you have heard before:  We can't force someone to get help.  Even if we could get them into therapy, it is not going to help them if they can not see a problem.  Anosognosia and Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy talks about this difficulty.  See what you think.

Regarding your mom:  If she is in denial, there is not much you can do there either.  Denial presents for a reason.  She is also being pulled in two directions, one by you and one by your sister.  It hurts that she does not want to get involved, but that is her choice.  Wools gave you a link to a great article on drama triangles.   Read through it and see if you can identify which role you, your mom and your sister each take.  Positions can change depending on the situation and the perspective when looking at the roles (your sister will view it one way, your mom in a different way). 

I think learning about the disorder and learning about boundaries and differentiation can go a long way in helping you.  As you change the way you interact with your sister and your mom, there will be some push back but stick with it. 

Stepping back with love and firm boundaries is often the only and best thing you can do to help someone with BPD.