Has anybody experienced this

[newoutlook]

Hi Everyone,

I feel like I have gotten to know some of you, Huat, Merlot, Feeling Better, OH, Jones as I have been visiting this site for the last 6 months. I would like to say a big thank you for being on this site. As you know, it can be lonely at times.
I have a 22D who has not be diagnosed as far as I know. Since the age of 15, I knew something was not right as she could not handle pressures of homework but did manage to get School Captain and early enrollment into University. She could not handle the word NO from me. I did take her to see a psychologist with me and was told I was way too strict and needed to start trusting her a bit more. Listening to the psychologist, somehow I stopped saying no and over the last 7 years she has controlled my life. She has had NC for short periods of time, 12 weeks was the longest which was because I asked her about kissing a boy. I did not know about BPD until earlier this year and lots of her symptoms are making sense.  She does not cut, instead has lots of tattoos, verbal abuse, cannot hold a job or friends and thinks my way of living is dysfunctional.
My 22D has been studying psychology for the last three years and decided to seek therapy mid this year because she felt and knew something was wrong. Why did people not understand her? Why did she either feel extremely happy or extremely sad? Never in between. We thought this would be great but unfortunately the opposite. Through her therapy, getting validated for her thoughts and her studying psychology she claims I have failed her as a mother. I did not do my job correctly. I was never there for her which is not true. Yes I did work, yes I went through a divorce, but I did the best I could as I was also looking after my mum who depended a lot on me as she never got her drivers license. One month before my 27D  got married, Sept 2017, my BPDD accused her of sexual assault when she was 8 years old. As you can imagine, this was a shock to all of us. My 27D asked for details but to this date we still do not know, her answer is you know. No, we do not know, so the two girls have not spoken for over a year and my BPDD did not go to her sisters wedding but told her friends that she went. My BPDD has not spoken to me for a few weeks and demands that the only way we can fix our relationship is by me remembering and discussing everything that I have done and said that has hurt her in her life. I have apologized for things that I remember but my memory is shocking and I do not remember a lot of things. I forget movies that I have already seen so when I watch them again, it is as if it is the first time for me. I forgot the church were my BIL got married, I went there for Christmas mass and didn't remember it. I actually cannot remember the ceremony at all. There is so so many things I do not remember. Sometimes, I wonder if it has been all the stress I have been through with my 22D and the endless amount of worrying.  My 27D will tell me stories of their  childhood where they got in trouble from me and I do not remember. I got blasted from my 22D because she believes I taught her wrong. I taught her about karma and she said I embedded into her brain false thoughts.
I need to apologize for that and discuss why I did that. She believes my memory loss is made up and a cop out. She is also very angry with me as I do not really believe the sexual assault accusations. I believe she made this up as she had put on an enormous amount of weight on and did not fit into the bridesmaid dress. I can imagine she did not feel good about herself and really didn't know how else to get out of the situation. Since the age of 15, I was her enabler, her rescuer and her personal bank. This year in February when I read walking on eggshells and going to carers course, things have changed.
My 22BPD has stopped going to therapy about two months ago, I am thinking she might of got a diagnose and didn't like it. Every time I reach out, all I get is I do not care as I am unwilling to try and remember everything that I have done wrong.
I am suppose to spend all my spare time thinking and writing all my mistakes NOT looking after my self. TBH, if I did not read or find this site, more than likely that is what I would of been doing, ringing her daily, begging for forgiveness, giving her money, without realizing that is never going to work as she will always find more things I have said or done wrong. I have offered we go to family therapy with her to try and work things out. Her answer is constantly, it will not benefit her, only me and she is not prepared to invest emotionally any more in our relationship until I can prove that I am sorry for all the things that I have said and done. Is there any advise or alternatives that I should try? Has anyone else had a similar situation where one child is accusing your other child of sexual assault? Is there another way of addressing this?     
I would really love to hear all your feed backs. There is so much to write. I have tried to shorten it as much as possible
Thank you and happy to answer any questions                                 
         

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi newoutlook 

I'm glad you've reached out for support after having lurked for some time - the first post can be difficult.

There sure is a lot going on and my heart goes out to you. By insisting that you remember and apologize for "everything," your DD has placed you in an impossible position. I'm glad you learned, by reading here, that giving in to her demands will not work to improve things.

My DD25 also has memories that I don't have and it's difficult to hear her tell of all the wrongs I've committed while she was growing up (or even last year!) that I can't relate to. I have memories my mother doesn't have as well.

I'm heading out to spend the morning with my grandson (GS4) but wanted to welcome you and tell you I've read what you wrote. As you know, we are all here to support each other through difficult times. It's been a bit slow these last several days around here, likely due to the holidays.

We are here, listening and supporting you. Let's work together to figure out a way to make things better for you and your daughters.

~ OH

[Panda39]

Hi newoutlook,

I come at BPD from a slightly different angle, my siginificant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw), but did want to pop in because I'm hearing a couple of things in your post. 

People will BPD often can't manage their negative feelings about themselves so they will shift blame to others or change the story in order to make themselves feel better.  I'm hearing both of those things going on in your story. 

Projection (projecting her negative feelings about herself on to you) and Gaslighting (making up her own story and working to convince you it is true... .questioning your memory)

More on Projection... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0

Article about Gaslighting... .
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting

As horrible as your daughters false allegations against her sister are, I see a couple of things here too.

At the heart of BPD is the fear of abandonment, D27 getting married could feel like abandonment to your D22 so she is acting out.  It could also be jealousy D27 is the center of attention (as she should be) as the bride and D22 is stealing everyone's attention and putting it on her by making false allegations. Negative attention is still attention. 

The other thing is beware of getting on the triangle.  These allegations are between D27 and D22 I would do my best to stay out of the middle.  I know that is easier said than done.  If there is an investigation of some kind then tell the truth as you know it but otherwise I would try and let it go.  If you jump on the triangle the drama will likely escalate.

More on the Karpman Triangle... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

I know I'm bombarding you with a lot of information, it's just that I'm a big fan of the tools and information here.  I hope I've given you something helpful among the links I have included.

Take Care,
Panda39

[newoutlook]

Sorry I haven't replied earlier as I haven't been in a good place. Thank you so much Only Human and Panda39 for your responses. Panda39, you are right. My D22 has gaslighted me for a very long time and not knowing at the time what was really happening, I used to let it go. It is so hard to wrap my head around my daughter's decisions and the way she demands from me. I am not a very well educated person, left school at 15, worked really hard and have always looked after myself. Funny isn't it, my two girls are very well educated, thanks to me and now my D22 is demanding that I remember, discuss and apologize for all the things I said and did to upset her in the last 22 years. I am not allowed to phone to say HI, how are you?, I am only allowed to call to discuss my wrong doings. How do I answer that when I do not remember pretty much anything at all? I have asked for her to tell me some things and her reply is, If I need to tell you then you obviously do not know what you have done so I want nothing to do with you. You have failed me as a the mother I need. This is so hard for me because like all of you, I have done my best bringing up my girls with what I knew at the time. Yes, looking back now, I could of done things differently but I cannot change that. I had a sick mother to look after also and unfortunately she was very demanding. My girls never went without. I would like a relationship with my daughter but I feel I am in a no win situation and do not know how to answer her with this request.  She refuses to see a therapist with me as she believes it will only benefit me not her and she claims she has invested way to much into our relationship. I really didn't understand what taking care of myself meant because I was so busy being at there beck and call, yes when my daughter would forget her lunch in high school, I would quickly leave work, race home and drop of her lunch then go back to work, that's one example. I want this year to be about me, my health, which has suffered alot and wanting peace but I also would like a relationship with my daughter but not only a financial one, which is what I believe she is wanting from me. I do not also want to beg any more for a relationship. I am tired, very tired of doing that. I would like to be happy, not sad, crying and depressed for once. 
I would really appreciate any feedback on how to respond to her request as I believe it's a no win situation.         
                     

[ForeverDevoted]

Hi newoutlook,
I can really relate to a lot that you say and can feel the pain expressed in your words.  It's really unfortunate that your daughter refuses therapy and blames you for everything.  My DD16 is currently in hospital (been in 6 weeks and counting), our relationship was not good either but we are slowly making progress.  It's taken me a long time and I've read many books, attended therapy and an emotional coaching course but I feel like we are finally making progress. 

At the beginning I used to try defending myself but it never worked - being able to really listen and validate her feelings has helped.  At first I likened it to learning a new language and all my 3 girls would look at me strangely but I kept it up and it now comes much more easily.

I am now working really hard on 'radical acceptance' as this allows me to realise that the words she says are her perceptions and not the truth, because she is very sick.  My husband has to keep reminding me this one.  Do you have a partner, friend or therapist that can support you?

I'm sorry I can't give you any more feedback on your situation but I am reasonably new and still working it out myself.  There are so many amazing people on this site who I'm sure will give you good advice/feedback.

btw - I would also leave work and deliver lunch to my DD if she asked 

[dubiousraves]

I’d like to share my own experience with memory issues - perhaps it will help you. I’ve recently gone into treatment for long-standing PTSD that most definitely affected my daughters growing up. In the course of treatment I have become aware that I dissociate under stress and that this dissociation leads to lack of memory of the event. It is a protective mechanism that likely started in childhood but you can learn to stay present and manage in the moment. There are also certain medications that prevent memory formation. You might want to address this with a professional.  Good luck!