Living with elderly mom with "fleas"

[GaGrl]

Hello, all -

I typically post on Family Law, Custody, Co-Parenting. My DH has an ex who is uNPD/BPD.

In my current situation, I am working through the residue of my mother's upbringing by a stepmother who also was uNPD/BPD. I have retired, and my DH and I are now living full-time in our retirement home - my mother has lived in the house for over three years, with us coming and going.

My 92 year old mother has the proverbial "fleas" (I dislike the term, but that's what is at play here). She definitely has a few PD-like traits. We have not lived together since I left for university at age 17, so this was going to be an adjustment no matter what. She is legally blind and needs some assistance, and her cognition is top-notch.

I think I'm dealing with some magical thinking - that Mom had a fantasy in her mind of what it would be like for DH and I to live with her in this house together. And reality is not measuring up to her fantasy.

Today's example - she asked if we were going to church tomorrow. I said no, but I would drive her to Sunday School and pick her up after church services. She asked, "May I ask why you aren't going?" I replied, " I'm going to try XYZ Church - I'm [denomination]. " ... .which she knows I joined and in which I have held membership since I was 18. So rather than accepting my offer of a ride and pickup, she called one of her caregivers and made arrangements with her (granted, she is a member of the same church). The rest of the evening has been Mom pouting and Silent Treatment.

I was prepared for this - it is a pattern since my childhood. She will be OK in 24-36 hours.

Any ideas? Is it magical thinking that we would change our choice of worship because we were moving in with her? Again, a level of magical thinking that I might need to discuss as each situation occurs? Also, she takes much on to herself in terms of how she looks to others in her social circle or how my choices or behavior might "reflect" on her. Very traditional Southern model.

She is never verbally abusive, was a warm and loving mother. She does not handle anger or disappointment well, tends to turn it inside and do the ST. Her stepmother was an emotionally and verbally abusive, jealous piece of work, so I get where it comes from - my Mom was never allowed to express anger or disagreement.

[Turkish]

So there's a cultural issue at play as well. Do you think it's fruitful to just ask her? You know the tools here... .

Do you think going with her once a month might help,  or do you think that she might be too emotionally invested in talking about you and your husband to the parishoners that it might make things worse?

[Harri]

Hi.

I am not sure if it is magical thinking or entitlement or something else.  I would find it annoying though.,   The silent treatment though?  I think you nailed it with it being about her not having been able to express anger or disagreement. 

How do you do with handling the ST?  It used to be the hardest thing for me to handle. 

Would/could you say something like "I realize this is upsetting for you but I go to a different choice.  You can come with me if you'd like or I can take you to your church" ?

[GaGrl]

Hi.

I am not sure if it is magical thinking or entitlement or something else.  I would find it annoying though.,   The silent treatment though?  I think you nailed it with it being about her not having been able to express anger or disagreement. 

How do you do with handling the ST?  It used to be the hardest thing for me to handle. 

Would/could you say something like "I realize this is upsetting for you but I go to a different choice.  You can come with me if you'd like or I can take you to your church" ?

That's pretty much where I am, Harri... .annoyed but able to let her attempt to self-soothe . If I surface the emotion, she denies the anger, so I just give her the time to get over it.

[GaGrl]

So there's a cultural issue at play as well. Do you think it's fruitful to just ask her? You know the tools here... .

Do you think going with her once a month might help,  or do you think that she might be too emotionally invested in talking about you and your husband to the parishoners that it might make things worse?

Turkish, I had replied, then lost the post - drat!

Yes, going to the occasional service or event would work. These  are people I grew up with, and I appreciate they are a large part of my mom's support and social structure. I just made a deliberate choice many years ago to leave the dogma and theology of that denomination, and it is frankly uncomfortable to spend more than the occasional time in their services.

It's less about her talking about us to her friends than it is that she imagined herself sitting in her pew each week with us beside her. She has a level of pride tied up in her family - I get that family is her achievement. But there's also some PD traits at work there, in that she was overly involved with my sister and me, overprotective, and not easily able to separate herself from our actions and behaviors.

I think SET is the best practice to practice. I find that Mom is uncomfortable when I ask questions in a coaching model - she is not a reflective person. I knew boundaries would be important, so now I need to work on responses to boundary violations.

Bottom line, I admire so much the way she created herself as a mother, with no positive role model and actually the worst possible mothering model in my stepmother. And I don't expect her to change at 92!  I gladly committed to this living arrangement - it's what I want to do. These are more adjustment pains than anything super serious. But as Harri says... .annoying.

[Notwendy]

She reminds me of my MIL- a giving mother, stoic, co-dependent and passive aggressive with her wants, pouts and ST is a method in my H's family.

I think it's a challenge and both a joy/wonderful thing to be able to have this time with your mother at her age. I admire my peers who can do that. This is not something I could do with my verbally/emotionally abusive BPD mom. I have helped care for my MIL- in her own home, not mine, and it is much easier, yet, I have seen her snap ( dysregulate ) in a way when I don't do things her way. She isn't mean about it, she clams up and pouts/doesn't speak in contrast to the rage from my mother.

I think there is a value in going to her church with her. In a way, it may make her sad to see families sitting together. It doesn't need to be every week and it also doesn't need to be about your own preference, but for the sake of everyone together, it has value. Perhaps an agreement to do this on a schedule- that she knows in advance- would alleviate these weekly conflicts some. "Mom, we will go with you on these Sundays ( present the schedule) and on the other Sundays we are going to my church. You could even invite her to go with you to your church but she may not take you up on it. Still there is value in the invitation.

Living with an elderly parent isn't an easy choice- and you do need time to yourself. Having these times scheduled and letting your mom know the schedule might alleviate some of the stresses. If the ST is her way of dealing with her feelings, then, I'd let her do what she needs to do. It's hard for you to manage- my mother also did the ST along with raging, but it is more about her than you. There is a lot of magical thinking in both mine and my H's family- which inevitably leads to someone disappointing someone, but we can't read minds.

[GaGrl]

Thanks, NotWendy... .I think you guys are nailing it! The contrast between my mom and the extreme PD of her stepmother makes it easy for me to see that my mom has neuroses but not a diagnosable PD. She has always handled anything emotionally loaded with pouts, ST, very passive aggressive.

I can certainly do periodic services at her church. It's a compromise but one that can work.

I also need to stay focused on the gratitude of being able to spend time with a mother who is still so sharp and engaged at her age. I think she might make it to 100.

[Notwendy]

It is a blessing and my own situation with my BPD mother is sad, but I've tried and she remains abusive and manipulative. I understand that elderly people can be difficult at times but this isn't age related for her- this is how she has behaved for as long as I have known her.

You also need to take care of yourself. My MIL lives near my H's family and they have been wonderful with her care. She's been old fashioned in the sense that she would only allow family to take care of her. I've helped with that, but eventually she needed 24/7 care. We'd drive several hours to visit her, then take shifts with her at night and it got to be exhausting. Eventually she needed to go to a nearby nursing home. That's a difficult step to take- but it became tough on family who also needed to work and take care of their children too.

Take it one step at a time. I also know families where an elderly parent has lived with them all their days. I think it's a wonderful thing to do for families that can do it but take care of yourself if you need it too.

[GaGrl]

Good advice, Notwendy.

My retirement came abruptly, due to a corporate report that essentially paid me to retire. I know it was the right decision - I'm just adjusting to the quick nature of the change.

I think establishing my new routine is critical. I want to combine some part-time consulting with some pro bono work for a non-profit. Mom will then know what you're I will be in the home office or out.

She has excellent caregivers three days a week. We definitely need to be with her at night, which was one of the deciding factors for retirement. My family has a history of multi-generation households, so barring something that puts Mom in rehab or requires 24-hour care, she'll be here. Fortunately, finances aren't a problem.

One thing I'm hoping is to get a new family doctor to prescribe membership at the Wellness Center associated with the local medical complex. It costs a whopping $35 a month and has a natatorium. That way, I can get Mom back into water aerobics, which she had quit doing.