Newly diagnosed adult daughter, I'm overwhelmed and looking for support

[Lparent]

I have an adult child with BPD.  I am new to this site and am looking forward to finding some support.  This situation is over-whelming to me.

thank you~

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi Lparent and welcome to BPD Family! 

You've come to the right place for support, I'm glad you found us.

We have lots of information on the site and caring, supportive members to "talk" with, you are not alone 

How old is your child? Are you living together?

I look forward to getting to know you and how we can best support you.

~ OH

[DharmaGate]

Welcome 

[livednlearned]

Overwhelming is a good word to describe what it's like.

Can you share with us some of the things you're dealing with?

I found the support here really helped stabilize things for our family.

[Lparent]

Thank you for your replies. Her BPD was formally diagnosed in August. She is young 30’s and married. She had a very difficult adolescence. BPD was suspected but she was too young to diagnose. I was a single parent with two younger boys to support and ran a small company. She always hates therapy although we had gotten a signed contract for house rule. She became a runaway and I had to put her in a therapudical boarding school. She got better and graduated with a graduate degree. She married a very nice guy and although her moodiness continued we thought she was okay. This last August was an eruption. This brought some serious PTSD back for me, which had been suppressed. Right now she is not working. I have offered to pay for any treatment she will accept.
This treatment is so painful for her. She lashes out and had begun cutting again. I straddle my nexessarytboundaries which not coincide with her needs. Her memory  of a lovely childhood I. Our eyes is one of pain and in her words torture from her parents. Her dad is not a part of her world. My family had always loved and surrounded her. She has been physically abusive to me so I have to keep her at arms length at this point. I am in therapy and reading about this and working on acceptance and forgiving her innocent person. This BPD is really really sad and her emotions an incredibly acute. Long answer... .sorry

[Feeling Better]

Hi Lparent, I’m so sorry to hear of what you are going through right now.

It must have been really difficult for you, raising three children as a single parent and running a small company, all at the same time. What age was your daughter when you became a single parent?

You say that last August was an eruption, was that in any way connected to her being diagnosed at that time?

What about her husband? Do you have a good relationship with him?

I am glad that you are in therapy and that you are also reading up on BPD, it sounds like you are doing all the right things 

FB x

[livednlearned]

This treatment is so painful for her.

What kind of treatment is she receiving (if any)?

[Lparent]

My daughter just started an IOP outpatient treatment program.  This is very painful for her as with her lens, she suffered trauma as a child.   I am not sure she is going as recommended, but just going is progress for her.

We divorced when she was 7 years old and her brothers were turning 4 and 1.5 yrs.  I worked from our home, had a nanny at home and kept them all in the same schools (parochial).  We had grandparents and a very involved aunt/uncle and cousins nearby.  Her brothers are happy and have great memories, as do the rest of my family (except my daughter with BPD).

Her problems began in late middle school.  

I am praying she sticks with her therapy.  Our communication is minimal because she blames me for her pain. I have serious triggers with her anger. I have had a therapist for years, but am working harder to recognize my boundaries.  My daughter is not happy with any of my boundaries, but they are really needed for my PTSD with her past abusive behaviors towards me.

Her husband is a sweetheart, but has some addiction  issues he is dealing with.  Argh ... .praying so hard for them both.

Her August eruption was enough to get her to go to a Psychiatrist and she received her formal diagnosis of BPD. This made sense to her.  It took 4 months for her to get into therapy.  We do not live together and I have a boundary that she can not stay in my house.  She lives with her husband. 

Thank you for any support or advice.  I am new to this thread so hope I am using this correctly!

[livednlearned]

With someone who struggles with emotion regulation and issues with self, just encountering a boundary can feel like "x is being mean to me." If she does not have a fully formed "self" she will struggle to understand what a boundary is because you need a sense of self to properly understand boundaries.

You deserve to protect yourself from angry outbursts. Protecting yourself also helps BPD loved ones from going into a shame spiral. Blowing up like that with impunity doesn't make things better and the discharge of emotion is likely to dunk herself in a bath of shame.

It is possible that she experienced trauma from her own internal response to intense emotions, sensations that perhaps felt overwhelming to her despite everything good in her life. I'm working through this myself, learning that two seemingly opposite things can both be true. You can be the best possible parent who soldiered through tough times, and it can also be true that some kids who are wired to feel emotions so intensely become overwhelmed by them.

First you have to trust yourself, that you will protect yourself from abuse. Then there are other skills like validation, when you are ready. For validation to be effective, there must be empathy, and for empathy to occur, compassion and care for yourself must be present.

[Lparent]

Wow... .thank you. I have re-read this message 3 times. Thank you.
I am talking to my therapist tomorrow and will read this to her. I feel safe with my boundaries... .if I am strong enough to hold them. I am so concerned about hurting my BPD daughter. I have a tight rope to walk.
I hear hope and I truly have faith that she will slowly walk through this painful path to some sense of clarity and peace. She is a psychology undergrad which I think helps her with understanding disorders and our brains.
Your reply is very helpful. I am gaining strength, accepting her condition and will get counseling on validation . I am sure I can help her more with more knowledge. I just regress in seconds with her anger. She was physically abusive along with verbal abuse. I don’t know that I will totally counsel past this so that I can be a more active part of her life. She so desperately wants me to take her pain away and I can’t.

[Only Human]

Hello again 

It's great that the BPD diagnosis made sense to your D, and that you've accepted it, want to learn more, yet still are strong on your boundaries - kudos to you!

I am gaining strength, accepting her condition and will get counseling on validation . I am sure I can help her more with more knowledge. I just regress in seconds with her anger.

You are not alone in regressing in response to anger, Lparent, I think we've all done that, regretted it, and looked for better ways.

In case you haven't noticed, we have a library toward the bottom of the Group List and it's chock full of helpful workshops. Here's a link to the directory:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

Here's a direct link to the workshop on Validation:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.0

There are two workshops under that one that expand on the topic.

When I first got here, validation was like a foreign language and I felt like a robot. Now it's easier, more natural, and my DD25 responds very well when I validate her.

How did your therapy appt go? I like that you brought something from here, I do that too 

I'm glad you're here - it really does help to have a support group - somewhere we can learn and grow together. If you're so inclined, please feel free to jump in to others' threads. It helps us all to feel less alone, supported, to gain perspective.

~ OH

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lparent]

Thank you OH.  Your links are very helpful.

It has been a rough week.  My BPDD gets very antsy and yesterday she spent a lot of time (email and calls to family) trying to locate me.  I was working and did not hear my phone.  When I did call her back during working hours, the first conversation was an hour and then another hour right after the first.  It is a tight rope for me because I am not often available for this long during the day.  My daughter is unable to hold the 20 minute boundary for phone that I have asked for.  So I did my best to listen, validate when I could.  Our phone calls at this point do not end on a happy note, but I do think she has a bit of relief.

I hope to see her this weekend for some validating time.  I hope she makes it to therapy Saturday.

My therapy went okay.  Our situation is just really at a difficult time.  Her level of suffering is really painful for us all. 

I appreciate your help and kindness.  I will jump in on another thread soon. I am working on positive thoughts, so want to be able to communicate the same when I do jump in-  Tried a first Yoga class last night and it was great.

Many many thanks for your reply and advice! 

[Only Human]

I'm so sorry you had a rough week, Lparent. I hope for better days ahead   

Her level of suffering is really painful for us all. 

BPD affects the whole family, doesn't it?

What are your plans for the weekend?

~ OH

[Lparent]

Thank you OH. 

One of my sons and I visited my daughter along with her husband, yesterday after her therapy.  We never know what to expect, but it was a pleasant visit.  I took lunch and we listened to her needs.  I am hoping to see her with her therapist this week. 

My husband and I have had a long walk and I have a new Doreen Virtue book. Spiritual reading is really helping me with this.

I do not navigate this online system that well yet.  Can you tell me a little bit about your situation?  You are so kind ... .please share if you can?

My heart goes out to all ... . 

[Lparent]

With someone who struggles with emotion regulation and issues with self, just encountering a boundary can feel like "x is being mean to me." If she does not have a fully formed "self" she will struggle to understand what a boundary is because you need a sense of self to properly understand boundaries.

You deserve to protect yourself from angry outbursts. Protecting yourself also helps BPD loved ones from going into a shame spiral. Blowing up like that with impunity doesn't make things better and the discharge of emotion is likely to dunk herself in a bath of shame.

It is possible that she experienced trauma from her own internal response to intense emotions, sensations that perhaps felt overwhelming to her despite everything good in her life. I'm working through this myself, learning that two seemingly opposite things can both be true. You can be the best possible parent who soldiered through tough times, and it can also be true that some kids who are wired to feel emotions so intensely become overwhelmed by them.

First you have to trust yourself, that you will protect yourself from abuse. Then there are other skills like validation, when you are ready. For validation to be effective, there must be empathy, and for empathy to occur, compassion and care for yourself must be present.

[Lparent]

It is possible that she experienced trauma from her own internal response to intense emotions, sensations that perhaps felt overwhelming to her despite everything good in her life. I'm working through this myself, learning that two seemingly opposite things can both be true. You can be the best possible parent who soldiered through tough times, and it can also be true that some kids who are wired to feel emotions so intensely become overwhelmed by them.

I feel like the above advice could be a reason for my D's BPD.  How are you working through this?  My biggest problem is my D wants me to be someone that she can vent to when she is in a panic.  This venting goes on for hours and it throws me back into PTSD.  If I tell her I have to go now and I love you and I hang up ... .she goes into major crisis (abandonment) and says she wants to explode.  I feel stuck ... .she is in therapy which is great.  Hopefully, inch by inch she will feel relief.

Thank you for your advice!  I hope you have had a good weekend

[Only Human]

Hello again Lparent,

It's great you had a good visit with your DD, listened to her needs, etc. This stuff is very difficult and it's good you were able to have some drama-free time with each other.

It takes some time to learn to navigate this site, I remember well   Here's a list of FAQ you might find useful:

Frequently Asked Technical Questions You're also free to ask any questions here or by PM to any staff member (our user names are listed at the top of this board and, if we're online, our user names will be included in the list of users online at the bottom of the main board listing (staff names are in red). 

Are you able to click usernames and read their profiles? A great feature of this site is we can click on usernames and scroll down in their profile to a link, "see last posts of this user." Once you've clicked, you will see a list of all posts made by a member. It's a great way to see how many of us have been helped here, the progress and pitfalls we've experienced, the hope we give and receive. You'll see that I have over 20 pages of posts (oh my!) and my "story," if you will, begins on page 20. I spent many many hours reading members posts, the hope here is real.

In a nutshell (it's a big nut, I'm afraid ) My DD25 and my GS4, her son, have lived with me since 4/2018. Prior to my finding BPD Family, we were stuck in a cycle of conflict with neither of us doing anything different to get out of it. Resentment, anger, hopelessness, and everything in-between were daily feelings I experienced and I was in crisis.

I reported my DD's physical and emotional abuse of my GS to CPS, then a month later I gave her 30 days notice to leave my home. She made plans to move out of state and cut all ties. As a last ditch effort, I started using the tools here and the day before she was to shove-off, I offered to let her stay instead. She took me up on my offer and I continue to apply the tools I'm learning here. That was 11/27/2018 and, despite my DD refusing treatment, things are slowly getting better. She no longer physically abuses her son and I see her trying to mimic the parenting I model. It's not a perfect situation by any stretch and I still struggle with boundaries, limits, and sharing truths with my DD. I'm here learning with everyone, being supported, getting advice, and being hopeful of more and more better days ahead. My daughter told me the other day, "I trust you. I don't know why but I do." That's HUGE - that she trusts me, after I called CPS on her, gives me hope.

I'm off to watch the Puppy Bowl with friends, hope you are enjoying your day!

~ OH

[Music Ace]

Lparent - just popping in to follow up on your comment ... ."When I did call her back during working hours, the first conversation was an hour and then another hour right after the first.  "

My daughter, udBPD28, also can quite handily hijack my life.  I would give her hours, days, weeks, years if only I could see movement, or growth, or improvement, or anything that could indicate learning rather than a cyclical rant.  I know she needs to be heard, to be validated, but sometimes - like you - I don't have 7 hours free to listen to how awful her lawyer or how stupid some drug addict dj is ... .

Like you, I am trying for 'boundaries'.  I'm not great all the time, I'm learning too.  And my boundaries certainly have not always had pleasant results. But it is ultimately my hope that she comes to understand and internalize and accept my boundaries (notice, I did not say AGREE WITH!).  As well, I am hopeful that the boundaries give ME some piece of sanity back without the never-ending guilt.

SO, here is something I do.  At the beginning of a conversation, where I just feel it's not going to be a productive conversation, I give her a heads up right away of how much time I have available. It will go something like this ... .

udBPDD28 - "Oh my gosh, James is such an , really, he's lucky I wasn't there last night to hear him trash talking me in person."

ME: "Oh man, that doesn't sound cool.  I only have a half an hour before I have to go head out and get groceries, but tell me what's going on." (but trust me when I fully admit - I really don't give a rat's patooty about drug addict James trash talking my drug addict child ... .because this is the 17th time it's happened with the 17th person in the past year)

Now, as much as this is a head's up and boundary for her, it is also a boundary for ME. I now work really hard to end my part of the conversation after those 30 minutes.  I often give a 5 minute warning.  She will still likely not care, 'cause she is on a serious rant ... .but I remind both of us as a token gesture, perhaps.  When the 30 minutes is up, I let her know that I have to go, I appreciate her sharing, and that she can keep going, but I won't be able to check until I'm available again.

udBPDd28 "So, I'm going to make him pay for everything he's said, his life will be worth nothing. No one will let him play anywhere 'cause I have that much power in the Scene."

ME: "I think it's so cool that your opinions are respected that much when you're not even a DJ. You've had a lot of impact.  I'm heading out to grab groceries, so although I may not respond right away, I will eventually get to read everything.  Love you lots and HUGS!"

THEN, I give myself permission to not check my phone and her conversation for the next 30 minutes (or 2 hours - whatever you can manage or whatever you need!).  AND I DON'T.  (read that spiritual book you're treating yourself to instead)

This has worked a couple of times ... .but when she is in a nasty mood ... .AT ME, well, nothing works well.

Wishing you peace, even if you can only count it in seconds or minutes ... .but count it you should!

Ace

[livednlearned]

My biggest problem is my D wants me to be someone that she can vent to when she is in a panic.  This venting goes on for hours and it throws me back into PTSD.  If I tell her I have to go now and I love you and I hang up ... .she goes into major crisis (abandonment) and says she wants to explode.  I feel stuck ... .she is in therapy which is great.  Hopefully, inch by inch she will feel relief.

Music Ace has great advice about how to initiate and hold a boundary.

If you have PTSD triggers and struggle with guilt that is likely a sign that your boundaries have been trampled. It is ok to take care of yourself and is even essential in these relationships because it takes a lot of strength to support a loved one with BPD.

What would happen if you said, "DD, I am so glad you called/so glad to hear from you. Are you free at 8pm tonight when I'm home from work? I'll have time to chat then. Right now I'm tied up and can't talk."

Not only what she does, but how you feel. Learning to manage your feelings is part of setting new limits so that she can learn to be responsible for her own actions instead of relying on you to regulate her feelings (which is not sustainable or healthy for her)

[Lparent]

Great advice Music Ace!  I will give that a try.

We are so young in the therapy for this, I have hopes for better days.

I am taking screen shots of all of your advice.  Can we print from these pages?

I hope to be able to pass on some advice at some point.  Honestly, my best help has been from a spiritual adviser and I am working to keep my spirituality and faith strong and growing.   I can't talk to many about this, as my D has asked for privacy and I understand her request.  So therapist and spiritualist and this support group.  Thank you again for everything

[Harri]

Hi!  I am so glad this group is helpful to you.  The parents here are awesome. 

Can we print from these pages?

  Yes.  To the far right of the reply button is Print.  Click that and a new page will open.

If that does not make sense, let me know.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders