A Merry Christmas after all

[Mickey47]

Notwendy
Harri
Panda
and the others I can’t remember your names I’m sorry

Just wanted to update y’all and let you know my son not only picked up my GD and took her to his wife’s Christmas Eve party, but he came to ours as well and he stayed till the end. He helped her open her presents and spent time with her and everything. I was so happy for my GD and just so you know we did invite his wife we had presents for her as well and she did not come. We have yet to receive a thank you for the gifts from her, but that's okay. I’m just happy my son was there for his daughter and for us he had a really good time and that’s all that matters. I continue to pray this interaction continues.

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas and wishing everyone of you a very Happy safe and peaceful New Year!

[GaGrl]

That is FANTASTIC news... .so happy for you!

[JNChell]

Great to hear, Mickey47! It sounds like you really enjoyed your Christmas celebration. From following your posts, I know that the situation has been a weight on your heart and mind. Was there an opening to talk about things with your son?

[Harri]

 

Hi Mickey!  That is great to hear.  I am sure you are cherishing this time seeing your son and GD spending time together and your son finally taking a stand about his own family.

[Panda39]

   

Now that is a Merry Christmas!

Panda39

[Notwendy]

That's great news!

we did invite his wife we had presents for her as well and she did not come. We have yet to receive a thank you for the gifts from her, but that's okay.

Yes, it's totally OK- and you had a better time because she wasn't there! Glad it is OK with you. You did your part to include her and I think it was the right thing to do- include her and get her presents. She made her own choice.

I hope you have many more of these great times with your son and GD.

[Mickey47]

Thank you so much Gagrl, JNChell, Harri, Panda and Notwendy

I’m most definitely cherishing that moment. It meant the world to me for him to put her first! Then to stay with us for an extended time was even more wonderful. We were at his Uncles then we all drove over to our place to finish presents and celebration.

To answer your question JNChell no there wasn’t any time for talking about things, because he was spending most of his time with his daughter. I didn’t want to interrupt in any way at all so I’ll hopefully get to talk to him again soon.

However my sons best friend contacted me and told me he was going to start working with my son. So he said he’ll be able to be there for him to talk to and confide in and I pray that my son does confide in his best friend, because they’ve been through a lot together and have seen each other through some tough times. I’m just praying he picks her up next weekend again for his weekend.

Thank you all again and HAPPY NEW YEAR! I hope y’all are all doing really well and we all have an amazing and peaceful 2019

[Notwendy]

So happy for you for those moments. 

Happy New Year!

[Mickey47]

Thank you Notwendy

HAPPY NEW YEAR to you and your family 

[JNChell]

That’s great, Mickey. I’m glad to hear that your son’s best friend is actively getting involved. This could possibly be a game changer. No guarantees, but it sounds like a positive development. Are you and his best friend going to communicate?

[Mickey47]

  Notwendy Harri Panda and JNChell

How is the new year treating everyone? Sorry I haven’t been on here lately just been really busy.

JNChell - Yes my son’s best friend and I talk a lot. He agrees with me that what my son is doing is wrong and hurtful to my GD. Slowly he is starting to confide in his best friend so he has found out a few things. My sons wife is definitely an influence on him staying away from us and his daughter. My sons best friend wishes like me he would get away from her and file for a divorce. Become the fun loving great guy he used to be again.

My son has not seen my GD since Christmas Eve. I typed up a letter to my son, but I made no mention of his wife in the letter. It was all about him and what he is doing to his daughter. The best friend is going to hand deliver it for me. I had emailed and text my son on 12/21 12/22 1/4/19 and 1/8/19 the 2 emails in December were pics and videos of his daughter’s birthday. The other 2 were about his Order for visitation of his daughter and child support hearing.

So now the order has been signed by a judge and it’s official he can see his daughter on the 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend of each month and can see her on every Thursday from 6-8 the standard visitation rights basically do what he has been doing or I should say what he should be doing. Well my email to him was about that on 1/4/19

He never responded so I forward the email again on 1/8/19 no response. So I sent his best friend a message to tell him to look at his email. Just in case he didn’t get my text I just sent him again. Well a complete whole day went by before he finally responded to my text saying he never received my emails. So I basically told him he needed to look into that because it’s odd how he isn’t getting my email now either.

Well I had my GD for a sleepover and the next day my husband was walking down the hall. Our puppy started barking and crying because he couldn’t follow. He was coming back and I said “here comes daddy” talking to the puppy. My GD leans over me in the chair and looks towards the game room door and says “daddy?” “Where’s daddy Nannie” I felt just awful realizing what she thought I explained I was calling Papa daddy to the puppy and that her daddy wasn’t here. I told her I was sorry and she fell back crying I want daddy.

I immediately was more angry with my son then I have ever been. That’s when I decided to type the letter. His best friend asked me to wait a bit because my son was extremely stressed because he had been dealing with his wife’s grandparents one is very sick in the hospital and one broke their leg. He didn’t even go into work last night because things are not going so well. So I agreed to wait, but his best friend said he’d definitely deliver it to him because his eyes need to be opened to what he is doing to his daughter. And my sons wife is definitely deleting my text and email.

[Notwendy]

Hi Mickey-

I am sorry this is continuing but it isn't surprising to me.

I don't mean to be pessimistic, but from my own experience, I know that my mother had access to my father's e mails and also listened in on our phone calls, ( before cell phones).

Any letters or things I said to my father were shared with her. I suspect that your son will share a letter you send to her.

Please keep in mind the drama triangle and the strong pull to rescue that your son likely has. If your wife takes victim mode ( against you for the letter or the child for time with her) and is distressed, your son will swoop in and be her rescuer. This is a very strong bond with perks- she will be momentarily happy and he will be her hero.

I noticed my parents seemed happiest when bonded over a mutual persecutor. This way, they were both looking outward at a common "problem" rather than the problems between them. In his older years it was the "terrible" doctor, or nurse, and even their "terrible" children .

My mother has saved letters and e mails I sent them over the years. She'll bring up my college angst over choosing a major, or homesickness from summer camp. It doesn't matter that I am a middle age adult- she uses these things as evidence during arguments. She's brought up e mails I sent my father that were only to him ( or so I thought) .

Mickey, I know you want to say things to your son, but I believe he already knows he is being a neglectful father. In my parents world, a letter like the one you are sending him would be kept as proof you are a persecutor in their world. Your son will then be placed in the position to choose his wife or you and if they are like my parents, she will win. I suspect she is in his e mails and he isn't able to answer them.

I know it broke your heart to see her cry for her Daddy. This inconsistency may bring more of this. I know you don't want to see this happen,  but your son is making this choice. I don't know if it is better for her to have an inconsistent father than to have her in custody of reliable adults.

Speak your mind if you wish, but be aware of consequences. If my father had received a letter like that from his mother, I think it would have resulted in him cutting contact with her and long term hostility.

[Mickey47]

I will pray for the best outcome, because I gave the letter to his best friend to give to him at work. His best friend says that he’ll more than likely ask him to hang on to it or after he reads it throw it away at work. Apparently he is already keeping things from her. He said that my son had talked to him and tells him not to breathe a word. So I know something is up. His best friend also said once he reads the letter he’ll ask what’s it about is everything okay?

Pretend he doesn’t really know and then my son will tell him more than likely. He’ll take that opportunity to talk to him about putting his daughter first like he used to. That nothing and no one is more important then his daughter. By the way his best friend doesn’t like pretending not to know stuff, but says in this case it’s important for my son to know he can come and talk to him about anything. He said he can tell he needs an outlet, because things at home are tense.

However, after this letter I won’t be reaching out about my GD to him anymore. He either will open his eyes or he won’t. But I did let him know at the end of the letter that we do love him with all our hearts and pray he does the right thing. That we will always be here till we take our last breath. That way he knows he can come home and home can be his safe place always.

[Notwendy]

Hi Mickey-

This is a tough situation. I hope your son does the right thing. However it is also his choice to make.

I agree that if your son decides to abandon his daughter, due to his wife's demands, it would be a terrible thing to do. Another pattern would be to be inconsistently in her life, due to the push pull and ups and downs of a BPD relationship. This would be in a way, having her in their drama triangle.

I know you will do the right thing for her no matter what he chooses. It is good that she has you and her mother as consistent adults in her life.

I think he knows what you think now, and I agree with you not continuing to reach out to him for the child over and over. I also like that you told him he is loved and that the door is open for him with his family. Now it is his choice to decide.

Please keep us posted.