It’s been quite a day - DD20 has gone manic

[Daisy123]

Hi folks,
A quick update, DD20 never got to complete PHP after Residential. She went off all meds and slept for nearly 18 hrs for about well over a month and then had difficulty getting to sleep for about another few months. She doomspiraled into not being able to do just about anything like bathing or combing her hair. She’s just begun to bathe, make and keep therapy appts and even signed up for guitar lessons. She’s begun to do very lite chores around the home. DD ended a 2 yr relationship and started a new one. DD isn’t nor has worked in nearly 3 years nor is she back taking courses at the community college.

DD  just had her first manic episode, staying up all night tearing apart her room in order to organize it. DD never finished that task. DD was up for about several days... .very agitated, fast speech and sleeping very few hours each night.  DD is usually pretty upfront with her drug use and swore to me that DD wasn’t on anything. We drug tested her- weed was the only thing that tested positive on the 12 panel test. She’s been diagnosed when she was 16 as having bipolar by her psychiatrist. But this no sleep thing is new.

It’s been a tough day, DD spent hours detangling her hair. Lots of screaming, swearing and many tears.  DD would call me into the bathroom to help her and I’d end up leaving because she’d lose her temper. I just don’t know why I kept going back for more yelling, screaming and tears. I’ve got to learn how to take better care of myself. I’m spent.

10 inches shorter, 6 hours later and a huge hairy mess in the bathroom,  DD’s hair is finally detangled and she’s out to dinner with new BF.

I’m just so thankful she’s out and away from me.

As for this unmedicated DD, and mania, I think DD has been in a hypomania for a few months and then finally into a full blown mania over the past several days. Anyone out there familiar with this?

She was able to get a full night’s rest last night.  She’s got little impulse control, back to stealing from us and her aunt over Christmas.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi Daisy,

I'm glad to have an update from you, sounds like you've really been through a lot since you last posted. My DD hasn't done the manic, little sleep for many days, thing in a long time, but she does get manic - obsessively cleaning, talking really fast, etc.

I just don’t know why I kept going back for more yelling, screaming and tears. I’ve got to learn how to take better care of myself. I’m spent.

Oh, Daisy, my heart goes out to you. I know, for me, I kept going back because I thought "if I come at this calmly, she will calm down." It never worked - I have since come to realize, through reading and posting here, that my approach frustrated her because I wasn't validating her feelings about it all. I saw her meltdowns as over-the-top (they are!) and felt responsible for helping to de-escalate, to prevent a full-blown melt-down.

Anyway, that's my experience, and may not be what's happening with your DD. I agree you owe it to yourself to take better care of yourself. I know how difficult that is, believe me!

I'm glad you've come back for support - this place really is a place of hope, learning, and healing. Things are getting better at my house, not perfect, but not as contentious as before.

Are you still seeing a therapist?

Hang in there, Daisy, we're here with you.

~ OH

[wendydarling]

Hi Daisy

It's so good to hear from you.    That sounds exhausting, no wonder you are spent and concerned. That's a lot of change, off meds...

Yes, the sleep disorder sounds familiar, though my DD was, is on all her meds. My DD has had problems sleeping, it's much better than it was. Sleep was a problem in 2016 psychotic episodes, very ill and then she made progress for some time and then went backwards, then one day it started, the days on end without sleep, up all night, it was another thing to add to the list!  However, she'd made lots of progress by then, no self harm, no alcohol, doing well working hard on managing her BPD, depression, anxiety, panic attacks …. it was almost as though it popped up and came to the fore to say hey it's now time to manage me! Not sure if I'm making sense to you Daisy? DD finally exhausted by it all went to the GP for sleeping tablets last year, they have helped, she only takes when she absolutely needed and does not see them as a long term solution. Occasionally now she does have days on end with little sleep, it's like a cycle, that happens, though less and less as time goes by. Linking to mania I don't know if you recall last year DD questioned if she has bi-polar as she experiences high, like mania, episodes, feeling out of control, that she can't put down to her BPD. Her dx is still mood disorder rather than bi-polar, they did however add schizoaffective. DD's never been great at keeping a diary to track any trends, she finally started one beginning of January, tracking mood, episodes of mania as DD describes it, sleep, eating, pms…... etc I'm hoping tracking helps her, the days when everything is going fine and then whack on the back of the head, what the hell was that, I hope it helps her make sense of how she's doing. So that's where we are now with sleep and monitoring the mania type episodes she finds disturbing.

Do you know what is your DD making of all this?

WDx

[Daisy123]

OH - thank you for your kind words.

I know, for me, I kept going back because I thought "if I come at this calmly, she will calm down." It never worked - I have since come to realize, through reading and posting here, that my approach frustrated her because I wasn't validating her feelings about it all. I saw her meltdowns as over-the-top (they are!) and felt responsible for helping to de-escalate, to prevent a full-blown melt-down. 

You are right on the mark. What you said resonated with me. DD was scheduled to attend her BF’s mother’s wedding at 2. DD began the detangling around 10 a.m. This detangling event has happened 3 times before, all before a huge family gathering. We’ve walked in hours late to these events as DD was stuck in the shower for hours with detangling.

This Saturday, all I wanted to do was to help so she could get to the wedding. I also was afraid that she’d begin self harming. When life gets overwhelming, that’s her strategy to calm herself. Rather than just validate, I was trying to solve her problems. Noted for next time.

There was much more going on in my head on Saturday now that I think about it. The past several times of attempting to get somewhere on time is a bit of a trigger for me. In the past, I never knew if she would make it to any commitment and my stomach would go into knots the day of those commitments.
I was also stuck in a bit of anger. I kept thinking, ‘this 20 year old can’t even comb her hair, what’s to become of her when I’m dead and gone? Will she take to living on the streets? So I was in a quiet panic because of the big picture. My H and I won’t have much to leave DD when we pass- not enough to sustain her. And I am so concerned about how this grown child will care for herself. Thinking about her being homeless does cloud my thoughts and bring me down.

The tangled hair represented quite a bit more than a missed wedding. I’m not sure what to do with these thoughts of her being homeless. I doomspiral, too. Albeit in silence. Whew... .didn’t realize that hair issue was so loaded with my own stuff.

Thanks, again for your insight, OH and your support. I have a therapist and this place where I can share, think and problem solve.

Wendy
Thanks for your input. Both OH and you seem to have DDs that have aspects of bipolar. It makes me wonder if this is more connected or just part of the BPD. My DD20 has said that she wants nothing to do with meds anymore. I can understand why. She ranted about how big pharma and psychiatrists collude to make money off of prescriptions. I asked her this morning about what works. She said that weed can turn on the thoughts, an alcoholic beverage before bed seems to help here and there. She does believe she is bipolar.I am absolutely concerned because alcohol is so addictive.

She’s been very impulsive and fast speech for several months now. She stole several hundreds of dollars on my husband’s credit card and then 200.00 dollars from my sister-in-law’s purse on Christmas. She’s stolen from us before but not anyone else to my knowledge. I read that this is symptomatic for both bipolar and BPD - although not sure how except for the impulsive aspect.

Her father and I said no more sleepovers at our place until further notice. As for the monies taken from her aunt... .DD will go tomorrow night to apologize- we will spot her the monies to pay back Aunt. She will have chores to do to make up for the money.

I’ll be honest, I am embarrassed and ashamed. How did we raise someone who thinks it’s okay to steal?

Well my stomach will be in knots again tomorrow- hoping she doesn’t blow off her aunt. Geez this disease is merciless, it ravaged our loved ones who suffer from it while challenging parents and family members.

[Only Human]

The tangled hair represented quite a bit more than a missed wedding. I’m not sure what to do with these thoughts of her being homeless. I doomspiral, too. Albeit in silence. Whew... .didn’t realize that hair issue was so loaded with my own stuff.

I have a tendency to doomspiral as well, Daisy. It's pure torture, of my own making. I have to consciously STOP myself going down the road toward doom and gloom. Learning acceptance has been key for me. Although my DD's life isn't the one I hoped for her, it's rarely as bad as I make it in my own head. My T regularly reminds me that my DD is more capable than I believe she is. Accepting that she may never have the life I envisioned for her has helped heaps. I also look back at events that caused me to doomspiral, to gain perspective. Did my fears become reality? Very rarely and never to the tragic end I'd dreamed up. I'm a big fan of Tom Petty and, in his song, Crawling Back to You, he sings, "Most things I worry 'bout never happen anyway."  I try my best to keep that in mind.

Did she make it to the wedding on time?

~ OH

[Daisy123]

    I also look back at events that caused me to doomspiral, to gain perspective.

What an excellent question, OH. I’ve been thinking about it since you’ve asked. I’ve noticed that in order for me to be here in a validating manner, I’ve got to be grounded- which is really tough to do when our loved ones come at us with all they’ve got, challenge us with their horrifying actions. It’s such a challenge being level headed.

Knowing what’s pushing our own buttons and triggering us is just as crucial as knowing those very same things for our loved ones. For example, I cannot ask for more than one thing from my DD or else it overwhelms her.

Listening to my H complain about DD night after night is so exhausting. I want to be sensitive to his feelings, but I have my limits.

My job is so demanding, it’s time for evaluations which is based on so many things. It’s about an 8 hour process.
These are examples of what depletes my energy and when all of these events are going on along with one of DDs crisis, I doomspiral.

[Only Human]

I think you're very wise to keep your own limits in mind, self-care comes first. Yes, in order to be available to someone else, we must be grounded. Tall order when, as you say, our loved ones challenge us with their actions. I have had to become bulletproof, letting my DD's words bounce right off of me, reminding myself "it's not about me, it's about her."

I know it's been a while, are evaluations complete? Is that something that comes up regularly? In my job, there's a week every four weeks where it's crazy; all my energy goes into getting through that week. I do understand how our jobs can take so much out of us.

How are things going these days? Are you doing things you enjoy?

~ OH

[Only Human]

Also, how did it go with your DD's aunt?

~ OH