How to Tell Him I Filed

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hello everyone,

After 38 years of marriage, my uBPDh and I have been separated for a year now.  We have seen each other very little during this time.  When we have seen each other it has been between tense, uncomfortable or angry.

Before the separation, we had been having an extreme amount of turbulence which had even taken a toll on my health.   I had decided that separating was the only way to get some peace and gain back my self respect after years of verbal abuse, walking on eggshells, extreme ups and downs. 

I was saying that I was going to leave, not good on my part, and triggering for him.  He physically pushed and locked me out of the house and I took this as an opportunity to stay gone once and for all.

It has been a tough year of working on myself, grieving all of the losses, lots of tears, strengthening the bond with the family I have, rebuilding friendships and making new friendships.

Finally, I have filed for divorce.  It’s never been what I wanted if there had been a way to be happy, healthy  and peaceful together.  Although we both have talked about divorcing, he doesn’t know I have filed.  I want to tell him that he is going to be served, but I am worried about it.  He has been texting me lately that he is depressed.  I’m not sure how to talk to him about it.  Any suggestions? 

Thanks in advance,

Mustbe

[ForeverDad]

I'm sure others will post with their insightful comments, so excuse me if I'm a bit blunt... .

He's an adult, a grown man.  Clearly he made life very difficult for you over many years.  You've been separated for a year.  I'm assuming you've given him no expectation that you'll return.  These are the consequences.  In summary, he's an adult, he has consequences.

Any return would have to be conditioned that he gets meaningful therapy, applies it diligently in his perceptions, behaviors and life overall, and demonstrates solid progress over an extended time, probably years.  If it hasn't gotten fixed in nearly 4 decades, odds are he will never make the long term effort to make such a major improvement.  Accept that.  (Acceptance is often listed as the last stage of Grieving a Relationship Loss.  Also this link)

It is what it is.  He really ought to seek counseling or therapy.  He may not really listen to you, so if you give such advice it may fall on deaf ears.  It's been commented before that the baggage of the past close relationship generally blocks the other person from listening.  It is not your fault.  Do what you have to do.  Would contacting him in advance about the divorce papers be helpful?  Maybe, maybe not.  As one example, it might cause him to try to avoid service.  Or he might get triggered and start a sour grapes campaign claiming you're the problem, something he may not think of until after he is served if you've not alerted him.

By the way, you'd do well to consider a counselor too, in addition to the peer support here.  It doesn't have to be long term but it can help you handle this sort of issue that will arise and catch you off guard.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Thanks, ForeverDad,

Blunt is ok, I can handle that.  I am in therapy and it does help.  I don’t go often anymore, just to check in.  I scheduled an appointment for Saturday because the filing made my anxiety kick in some.

I always have been in protection mode for him and old habits die hard.  I never could stand to see him hurt, often to my detriment.

He doesn’t want therapy.  So, I don’t see his issues getting better and that’s why I had to separate myself.  I felt like filing for divorce was a big step in acceptance, although it’s probably an external symbol and I am still working on the internal. 

I can see that alerting him could cause drama before the fact.  I plan to discuss it with my T.

Thanks so much for the advice and support.

Mustbe

[Skip]

I wouldn't be blunt or get into issues of what he needs to do to save the marriage. I would, instead, tell him very respectfully that, after a year apart, you are wanting to move on with your life and not live in limbo anymore. You remember many good years and good times and those are the memories you want to hold. I'd also tell him that you started the divorce process and will do everything can to make it amicable. I'd end it by telling him that a process server will be stopping by the house (or office) to deliver a divorce petition and you didn't want him to be caught offguard.

You want to avoid a high conflict situation and that will mean being low conflict yourself and not taking the bait when he over-reacts.

Be the new you.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Thanks, Skip.  That’s pretty much exactly what I would like to. say.  I just need to think it over ahead of time and not get pulled in a direction I don’t want to go. 

Mustbe