Ugh Triggered today

[beautifullybrkn]

It's been a month and a half since I've had any contact with my exBPD I've been doing fairly well but... .The betrayal of him possibly going back to his violently abusive ex (what a hot mess they are together) opened my eyes to how toxic he is for me and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I deserve so much better!
Two days ago he finally blocked me on FB and I'll be honest it did sting a little. I knew it was inevitable and I was almost ready to do it myself. I didnt keep him on FB because I was checking up on him, but because I physically could not get myself to go to his page and pull the trigger, so in that regard I suppose he did me a favor although a part of me wishes I hadn't given him that control. Oh well it's done. He is extremely passive aggressive and I fully suspect that he's posting all sorts of things "directed" at me which I could care less about. But then subconsciously I must since I'm thinking it, I want him out of my head already! Today also marks the anniversary of my mother's death, so I've not cared for Valentine's day for sometime.
After days of feeling ok and feeling as if I was slowly gaining back control of my life, today it all came flooding back with severe panic attacks and crying spells. Is this a normal part of the healing process? I can't seem to control the intrusive thoughts and I'm desperately trying to keep myself together. I know it hasn't been all that long but sometimes I still can't believe how quickly this pain returns.

[Sandb2015]

I'm sorry you're experiencing this today beautifullybrkn,

How long has it been since NC?

[beautifullybrkn]

Thank you Sandb2015

Things were going good and then just before Thanksgiving he pulled away saying he felt like he was going through a depression, I continued to reach out to let him know I was there to support him for 5 weeks without ANY response from him.
He finally sent me a text message 2 days after Christmas basically telling me that I didn't care what he was going through that he didn't feel like himself saying he spent the holidays alone that we had a good thing and he felt like he ruined it along with a lot of self loathing and other irrational BS. I know now that there was a lot more deceit going on. New years eve I found out that he and the ex had been together during this absence. I text him the proof giving him a chance to give some explanation (which I now know was completely futile).On  New Years day I sent him a final text expressing my thoughts and saying goodbye in a much kinder way than he deserved. That was it "official" NC I suppose would have been Jan 1. I know it's so common here but I still can't fathom how people can end a relationship so abruptly it causes so much pain.

[Sandb2015]

Hang in there, breathe, write some more, read some more here.

Find the comfort zone it sounds like you were in before.

[Sandb2015]

beautifullybrkn,

Today you're having a rough day, I'm really having one also, you aren't alone here.

[crazyinlove77]

I'm having a tough day too.  It's hard when that person was a part of your life and you envisioned things going a certain way, and then one day, they just end it.  It hurts.

[beautifullybrkn]

Thank you Sandb2015 and crazyinlove77
I'm sorry you are also having a tough time today. I feel slightly pathetic coming down so hard on myself. I know this does not go away overnight. It just sucks when you think you're starting to feel better and then bam it smacks you in the face again
Coming here knowing we're all going through similar situations helps so much!

[Sandb2015]

We are all having a tough time as a “community” and separately in our hearts, minds and souls. Let’s vent as though everyone is listening and accepting.