My relationship with my mother is wholly toxic and at an all time low

[Cherubobie]

Hello.
My mum is unaware she is BPD. I have only recently realised it myself. For years I have been researching, agonising, finding ways to correct the chaos in her life. For a long while I put all the issues down to her alcohol misuse, which has been a significant issue since my early teens. More recently I have realised the mood swings, rages, nasty words, cutting criticisms are when she is also sober. She is diagnosed with anxiety and depression but it didn't ever fully explain the dysfunctional, illogical arguments in which the truth is twisted and It's impossible to calmly and rationally explain our feelings.
Yesterday my mum had a mood swing because she wanted to be taken to a particular shop. I told her my husband would be able to take her in an hour when he returned from work. It was snowing heavily and I didn't want to drive my toddler in the show. She told me I am the most selfish person she knows, she is not the only person who thinks it and she said 'I am ashamed that you are mine'.
Over the years I've been called every name under the sun. I'm used to this. For some reason though, this particular comment prompted me come here. I think i need to hear from other people who have no parental structure. My father left when i was 9 and ive never had a relationship wiyh him since. My relationship with my mother has become wholly toxic and is at an all time low. Since I became an adult and married a wonderful man, my household is harmonious and I have realised that screaming, name calling and rages are not normal. Since my son was born I realise how I would never speak to him the way she speaks to me. I realise I have become intolerant of her negativity as I will not have it around my son. I believe it has changed me. For years I still needed her. Needed the snippets of affection even with the rages. More recently I feel disconnected, better off without it. I feel I have mourned the mother daughter relationship I imagined for our future that never came to fruition. I don't know. I'm a little lost recently. It would be lovely to hear from others.

[zachira]

Your post though sad is inspirational. I say inspirational because despite growing up with a mother with BPD and the absence of your father,  you have made a happy marriage and are determined to be the kind of mother your son deserves, and not treat him like your mother treated you. Right now, you are feelings distressed with how badly your mother treats you, and are not sure what is next. There are many of us who post here who have a mother with BPD and are continually working on ways to be less affected by the sudden rages and character assassination she dumps on us, when she is in one of her deplorable moods. It seems that as time goes on and these type of toxic interactions continue, we become less tolerant of the behaviors of our mother with BPD, pull away more, which can accelerate the abuse inflicted upon us by our mother with BPD. The things your mother said to you about not being able to meet her request for an immediate ride to a shop just turned my stomach and hurt my heart. Of course, you don't want to give her a ride when it is snowing and you have a toddler to take care of. You went above and beyond in accommodating her request, by arranging for your husband to take her in an hour, which is the complete opposite of being selfish.
I have a mother with BPD/NPD. Right now, I am not taking her phone calls or listening to her voice mails, because of all the terrible things she says to me. I live far away and try to visit her for short periods of time when I am in the area, about once or twice a year. It is so sad and heartbreaking because I have done everything humanly possible to have a respectable relationship with her. I have found with time, as my whole being becomes healthier, I am less tolerant of her cruel behaviors which mainly include devaluing me verbally and in any way she can, and these behaviors have definitely accelerated as I have made my own life and quietly become more self confident, and am less willing to be involved in the toxic interactions. I am wondering if these are some of the things you are experiencing: 1) You are happier in your own life and less able to tolerate your mother's mistreatment of you, especially since you have a child and husband's well being to take into account? 2) Her bad behaviors are worse than ever, and you just are not able to tolerate the accelerated abuse now that you are safe and have a great life, except for the hurtful ways your mother treats you, and are wondering what to do to change things for the better?
Where do you want to go from here? Whatever you decide to do, there is a cost and hurt feelings associated with it, yet in the end, there can be incredible relief from having less contact with a mother with BPD. Do read the tools on this site, look at the posts of other members, and keep us posted. We are here to support you, listen, and help in any way we can.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  I am so sorry for what bring you here though I am very glad you decided to reach out for help and support.  We can give that to you here. 

You are not alone and like zachira said, if you read and post more and jump into other threads, you will see that.  You don't have to figure this stuff out alone anymore.   

A lot of us have chosen to work on us and change our situations after getting married and or having kids.  It sounds like you are doing that!  It really is remarkable when you think about it that here we are working towards better when we only know what we had.

I hope you settle in and read and feel free to jump in.  You are in a safe place.

[Cherubobie]

I thank you for your replies. It is so lovely to me that people out there sit and make time for each other in this way. I'm so glad I have found this community, thank you.

I think you are right - it does feel that my mum is struggling to handle that my affections and priorities have shifted. For years I was fully embroiled in her... .how I can make her life situation better. I became almost obsessive in my early 20s... like my own stability was totally dependent on hers. Now I know I have stepped back a lot to make time for my own family. It has been a saving grace for me although she seems to target me a lot more readily now.

We have always been a close family. Dysfunctional but close. My brothers and I grew up looking after each other whilst my mother did her best whilst suffering with mental health issues and we had nothing. The verbal abuse, mood swings, drinking only started in my early teens once my dad left. To the wider family we are an inseparable unit. They have only seen snippets of her episodes when she has been drunk. I think they would be shocked to know some of the emotional abuse that I've since realised occurred.

I mentioned before about becoming disconnected, I have to say that one particular aspect of her rages that I struggle with most is how she twists the abuse on to me. For example, she shouts that I don't listen, I can never be wrong, she shouldn't have to put up with the way I treat her etc. These are all words she should be using to describe herself exactly! She also mis remembers the way i or she has worded things even in the space of the same conversation. It is infuriating and makes my efforts to engage completely futile!  Are these common traits? It makes me feel like im losing the plot. The injustice of it really twists my insides. I think also the realisation that I can never truly explain the way I feel about her actions because she believes her own versions of events and feels fully justified in her anger towards me always.

I'm sorry I felt I needed to vent further but to answer your question... .what now? I don't know. I see her weekly. She stays here and minds my son one day when I work. Sometimes it can be nice but more often it is hard work. Now, it might sound irresponsible to leave him with her but she is magnificent with him. She becomes the mother I wish she was for me, the mother she probably was when we were babies. He adores her and she is soft and tender in a way she can not be with adults. It's almost as if she can not be threatened by his innocence... .I don't know. My biggest concern is not her behaviour with him... .It's him realising her behaviour towards me as he grows... I'm fully aware children are intuitive and I have always immediately left her companybif she has been triggered so he's not yet seen a rage. It's the subtle put downs, the biting etc. My husband and I are struggling having her here weekly.
I am ready to step back. I need her to get a car so she doesn't need to stay here... I am ready to see her much less. I do not feel comfortable though limiting her relationship with my son. Any advice on this?  If she crossed a line with him ever I stand ready to change this view. But for now idont know how to manage stepping back from my relationship with her whilst still allowing her time with him. I'm very confused.

Thankyou for reading. It feels very self indulgent to be spilling out my problems in this way... .It's my mum in my head.

[chronsweet]

When I read the 1st post in this thread, I had to go check the name to make sure it wasn't mine.  My chest got tight and bad feelings surfaced.  The reason is because almost everything you said resonated and is similar to the feelings I have when I think about how my mom treats me.  You articulate it very well.  I sometimes find it so hard to get out, to describe the actions, the crazy-making that goes on in my mom's thought processes. 

A common phrase she throws at me when I am trying to tell her how I feel, or to de-escalate the situation is to stop with all my 'psychology'.  She says things like, "you think you're so smart because you have a college degree."  Those are mixed with words like, "I don't have a daughter anymore.  I am not leaving you anything.  You are not getting anything more out of me."  She calls me the 'c' word, the 'b' word.   She puts down the men I live with.   She tells me I can do better, I deserve better, all while devaluing my self worth and image of myself.  It is just nuts. 

I am 43 and it has taken me this many years to finally be over it.  Let her disinherit me.  The money isn't worth it, I can (and do) make my own.  Let her think badly of me.  I really don't feel like she ever thought well of me anyways.  What is going to change is how I feel about me.  I have learned about BPD over the last several years. I am thankful that I have recognized that she has a personality disorder.   The last few times we have had a no contact spell, I have been the one to break the silence.  The reason is because most of the time the things we fight about are so unnecessary.  I find them so irrational that it seems like a no-brainer to let them go.  But deeper down, I have realized that I want to let go of the shame that binds me to her.  I have realized that the things we fight about have an underlying tone or theme.  That theme is the struggle for my autonomy and my struggle to be myself and not enmeshed with my mother.  She can't handle it and I let her because deep down I am afraid of her terroristic meltdowns and rages (rage is a better word) .  She still thinks of me as a 3 year old kid who has to listen because, quite simply, she is sick.  I feel guilty because I know she is sick.  She can be quite charming and she can be giving and she can be loyal.  But it is all or nothing.  If I am not the extension part of her self, she cannot accept me for who I am.  I struggle with that, but am learning that I have been conditioned.  I am working on freeing my inner self and setting my own boundaries.

Parts of your post that I really identified with:

For years I was fully embroiled in her... .

I realized I have been enmeshed with her my entire life.  I have passed everything over to her for review.  I have always been afraid of her wrath.  I have been terrified of her my whole life.


I mentioned before about becoming disconnected, I have to say that one particular aspect of her rages that I struggle with most is how she twists the abuse on to me. For example, she shouts that I don't listen, I can never be wrong, she shouldn't have to put up with the way I treat her etc. These are all words she should be using to describe herself exactly! She also mis remembers the way i or she has worded things even in the space of the same conversation. It is infuriating and makes my efforts to engage completely futile!  Are these common traits? It makes me feel like im losing the plot. The injustice of it really twists my insides. I think also the realisation that I can never truly explain the way I feel about her actions because she believes her own versions of events and feels fully justified in her anger towards me always.

I find I have become very disconnected/walled off/shove down my feelings for alot of interactions in my life.  It is very hard for me to remember all the reasons she has basically annihilated my character.  Everyone in my life says the exact opposite.  Her words and the ways she rationalizes things just don't compute for me or make sense.  Interesting (or not) is that I am a very good accountant and business manager.  I am able to remember numbers, patterns, rules, laws, etc., but it is very hard for me to recall memories associated with confrontation and pain.  Especially ones where there was turmoil or hurt feelings with my mom in particular.  It even happens with other people if the emotions are strong enough. 

She stays here and minds my son one day when I work. Sometimes it can be nice but more often it is hard work.
My mom used to walk my son to school before we went no contact.  Any time I deviated from something she wanted me to think or feel guilty for, she would withdraw love from my son by stating she wasn't walking him to school anymore.  I took her up on the final threat.  It has been 5 weeks.

I'm fully aware children are intuitive and I have always immediately left her company if she has been triggered so he's not yet seen a rage. It's the subtle put downs, the biting etc. My husband and I are struggling having her here weekly.
You have to make this decision and when the time is right, you will know.  I have not shared too much of my story why I went no contact with my mom.  Just a brief synopsis, but it had to do with her dragging my son into a triangulation argument where she wanted to begin annihilating his soul.  I was not about to let her do that to him and that was the final line for me.  He did something she perceived as selfish and then began to blame me for it. The selfish thing he did was not let his cousin use his user account for Fortnite while my boyfriend was babysitting cousin.  I wasn't even home.   She then said that everyone thought he was selfish. The people she brought up were people that my son has never met or had any interaction with in years. In fact, (she stated)
he was the most selfish kid she had ever met.  She further went on to explain how I should be embarrassed as a mother.  She brought up an incident where he swatted his cousin with a coat hanger when he was 2 and she was 1 which was 7 years ago. She then began attacking me and withdrawing her love as a mother.  I became a stupid, unappreciative daughter in the blink of an eye on a Saturday morning when I had simply called to tell her something I found on the internet.

That was it for me.  My son is my line.  I do not treat my son how I was raised.  I do not belittle him, hit him, emotionally abuse him and I won't let anyone do that to him, not even my mother. 

I hope my reply wasn't too long.  I just really can relate and know you are not alone.  Feel free to message me anytime, I totally get where you are coming from.