Three months of her NC and I am not getting 'better'

[Coastered]

Well today is another bad day where I just seem to be totally lost.  It has been around three months since I heard from her directly.  A mutual friend knew the pain I was going through and asked her if she would speak to me to get the closure that I needed.  She refused and told my friend that she wanted no contact whatsoever, "wished me the best" and thought it was best she did not hear my name again.  It probably is, but for some reason I still feel if I heard her voice again and spoke to her I could find some of the answers that I seek.

I feel like a mass contradiction because I know I would tell anyone else to just heal and take time but certain days I feel just like a drug addict wanting a fix from the dealer.  I am not sure I am able to tie her blocking me everywhere with some of the times when we shared some great times together.  She seems to be over it so easily and manages to date with ease like I never meant a thing where I am a wreck.  I cry, reminisce and I feel exhausted - she sails through life.  I am wondering why after only an 18-month relationship I am not even close to being healed after nearly three months.  I try and date but I just don't seem to find anything there in any potential partner and I feel like I am being unfair on my dates and my expectations.

Sorry, just putting this out there, this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life.

[Beneck]

Hey Coastered 

First of all, congrats on reaching 3 months! It's a difficult journey but every day brings you closer to detaching!

A mutual friend knew the pain I was going through and asked her if she would speak to me to get the closure that I needed.

I think this may have hindered more than helped. Nevertheless, it was thoughtful of your friend to reach out to your ex, despite her reaction. In regards to closure, I don't think we need to get it from the person who broke up with us. We can gain it from gradualy realizing we can live without the other person, detaching, gaining a new perspective and experiences, and using those to view our memories of the relationship under a new light. At any rate, it might be possible that your ex does not even know why exactly she broke up with you. Since I'm unfamiliar with your story, did external factors contribute to the separation?

She seems to be over it so easily and manages to date with ease like I never meant a thing where I am a wreck.  I cry, reminisce and I feel exhausted - she sails through life.

Seems being the key word here ;)

What I mean is that... .people can be EXTREMELY good at presenting a false, fake front. You don't know what's going on in her life or in her mind. People deal with these things differently.

Also, keep in mind that she was probably considering the breakup before it actually happened. She had time to prepare emotionally for it - you did not. This is another factor why it may seem that she's over it more quickly; she could have done most of the emotional disengaging before she broke up with you.

I am wondering why after only an 18-month relationship I am not even close to being healed after nearly three months.

Detaching is a conscious process that requires that one exerts mental effort. Time is not the only factor that plays a role. It might be a good idea to start looking inwards to see what insights you gain about yourself and what attracted/led you to this person, as well as trying new things you've always wanted to.

Hang in there 

[Cromwell]

Hi Coastered

I relate to the pain of the situation your in and I guess a lot of frustration too with how long it is taking.

I cry, reminisce and I feel exhausted

I started to treat the underlying depression and anxiety that had emerged, it really helped to alleviate all of these symptoms.

[Mutt]

Hi Coastered,

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling right now and I completely understand how it feels like the most painful thing that you went through. It makes it harder when our expwBPD act indifferent to our feelings from their actions and continue on without missing a beat. You ask yourself if you meant anything to this person, how can they get over it this quickly and I'm having a really hard time, am I going to get over this awful pain.

In regards to closure, I don't think we need to get it from the person who broke up with us

I agree with Beneck there are situations in life where the SO can't give closure like accidental death and the loved one that was left behind is left without closure. You can give yourself closure if it's something that you haven't worked on yourself I think that this would be a good place for you to start? What do you think?

I started to treat the underlying depression and anxiety that had emerged, it really helped to alleviate all of these symptoms.

We have a self assesment test if you're interested in finding out if you're depressed:

SELF ASSESSMENT | Depression Self Testing: Are you depressed?

[Starfire]

I was with my pwBPD for less than 2 years, and it was a rough road of recovery.  I was nowhere near okay after 3 months, but I was better than I was after 1 month and 2 months.  Now 11+ months of no contact, I feel great. You'll get there. Celebrate your milestones. Every day is an accomplishment.

[confused4now]

 ,  so SORRY your going through this . It is so painful detaching from a relationship when you feel so torn. I split from my ex husband 18 mos ago. In reality I thought we would get back together, but this was the final discard. He had lost "intrest" in me and nothing I did or said could change the way he felt. I was devastated, so it took some time before I accepted it was really over. It was heartbreaking watching him move on and replace me and the life we created for 7 years. I will say, every time I I reached out to him to help me find closure I felt worse. Me personally, I didn't want closure, I wanted him to make me feel wanted and loved. It never happened. I always felt rejected and needy. When I couldn't tolerate those feelings I went NC. I got stronger ever time I resisted and by default I began the journey of moving on. I had to find people that could support me. It's good your here, keep reaching out. It's going to take time but you can get past this and learn how not to get in a relationship that is connected by pain...

[Sirnut]

Hi Coastered,

When I was in breakup crisis the best advice I ever received was, take your time because time is a healer. It was the advice I least wanted to hear, because I wanted answers and I wanted to *do something* to fix things then and there.

A year later, though, I can see the wisdom of it. These things do take time. Efforts to fix things quickly can backfire, and time gives perspective and opportunity to recover and rebuild. I can see that now, but at three months I was still a mess.

I hope you can find encouragement from the comments you receive here from people who have gone thru similar things. It’s hard, you don’t have to solve everything straight away, just try to get started on a path that will get you there over time.

[Al Kaseltzer]

i heard from my ex recently and it really didnt help.  not unless you want her back and she reaches out because she wants the same thing.  otherwise, it just sent really bad anxiety through me and put me back in a pretty bad spot.  i guess getting some answers or maybe like a final goodbye could help you, and it would be nice, but for me at least, it wasnt like "ok great, now that the book is closed on that, i can move on". not even close.

[Luan]

Hi Coastered,

I hear you loud and clear. This could have been written by me... .

Well today is another bad day where I just seem to be totally lost.  It has been around three months since I heard from her directly.  A mutual friend knew the pain I was going through and asked her if she would speak to me to get the closure that I needed.  She refused and told my friend that she wanted no contact whatsoever, "wished me the best" and thought it was best she did not hear my name again.  It probably is, but for some reason I still feel if I heard her voice again and spoke to her I could find some of the answers that I seek.

It's been 3 mths since our r/s ended, and maybe six weeks since communicating (very cool from her side). While we are looking at this through our eyes, we will always think that the heartfelt conversation is possible. Not to get back together, not to blame, just to lay things to rest and have peace and understanding. No way in hell this is going to happen. You represent too much emotional risk, you have too much insight, and she would have to expose herself to all those fears. Can't be done, unless you present in a cool, unemotional manner, and she wants something. I've thought about asking a mutual friend to help seek some closure, but I know it will just make things worse. She knows where I am, how I feel, and that the door is open.

All the advice is true, even though we resist at every turn. Work on yourself, practice radical acceptance, no contact etc. All the things we detest while we think there is any chance of reconciliation, or just friendship.

I try and date but I just don't seem to find anything there in any potential partner and I feel like I am being unfair on my dates and my expectations.

It is our ego that wants soothing, that had been soothed in the r/s. The child in us has been awoken, and is now feeling very abandoned. And my trouble has been that it is not going to be soothed by anyone else, because they won't have any idea what I'm talking about... .only she could do that, and she ain't here. This can be a vicious cycle, as we can again be attracted to someone who begins to fulfil this need.

I am not sure I am able to tie her blocking me everywhere with some of the times when we shared some great times together.  She seems to be over it so easily and manages to date with ease like I never meant a thing where I am a wreck.

Here's the best explanation you will get, just imagine it's your ex speaking... .
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EMwR42Ik_Gk

I have the same good and bad days, but I'm starting to look forward to being the best version of myself again. Good on you for posting, keep moving forward, because standing still is going backwards.

Luan

[Steps31]

Are you seeing any therapist yourself?
I find that this, and meditations (I use the Insight timer app - they have plenty of meditations on letting go and or just being yourself and being happy) have really helped me.

Good luck

[hope2727]

Please be patient and kind to yourself. At 3 months I cold barely breathe in and out without conscious thought. These relationships can be seriously traumatizing. I highly recommend seeking a therapist familiar with these situations. I also recommend giving yourself lots and lots of time to heal. I know the urge to feel better right away is strong but in truth it took time to create this situation and it will take time to untangle it. Keep reading. Keep posting. Things will get better I promise.

[beautifullybrkn]

Coaster, I'm only a little over a month out since going NC. (3 since ex first ghosted) Don't beat yourself up over still feeling such pain. When triggered let yourself cry and then remind yourself  that your ex was not who she portrayed herself to be, and that you will be ok and worthy of a healthy relationship when ready. (and it's perfectly fine to not be ready to date yet. I know seeing your ex in another relationship doesn't help and you want to fill that void inside you, but we are the only ones responsible for our own happiness. Looking to find that in others is what got us in these relationships.  I get those intrusive thoughts about the good times too and they can overcome and try to ruin you. Don't allow them to keep you in the victim mentality. I try to tell myself thank you those were good time but (ex) isn't who I thought he was and now it's time to move on to better things. I've used several guided meditations on YouTube for self love, co-dependency and letting go of an ex that have been very helpful when used diligently. Take it day by day and be kind to yourself.

[Coastered]

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who posted here.  You are all truly wonderful people to take the time out to console another person.

Thank You.

[hope2727]

You are so very welcome. I came here in a state of shock, confusion and despair. People here were kind but clear and honest about what they observed in my experiences. It saved me. Now I return for "booster shots" to help me stay strong and to give back a little to others when I can. I want you to know you are not alone. You are normal and WILL get through this.

One of the best things I read was "how to Survive the loss of a love"

https://www.amazon.com/Survive-Loss-Love-Peter-McWilliams/dp/0931580439

It was $8 well spend and the first thing my therapist asked me to read. I have re-read it many times, given my tear stained copy away, repurchased it and re-read it again and so on and so on. It will help. I still have a copy in my night stand and every so often randomly crack it open to ease an ache so to speak. You are worthy and deserving of a healthy happy life/relationship. Become your best self and that life will come. 

Meanwhile post away. We are here for you.

[VMJ7675]

So my situation is a bit different in that it’s a friendship – not a romantic relationship. However it was the most intense friendship I’ve ever had and the timing is about exactly the same as what you’ve said. About six weeks ago she completely blocked my contact and I have heard nothing from her.   And it was out of the blue. On New Year’s Eve I got a message that said she was looking forward to seeing where our friendship went in 2019 and the next morning I was blocked.   I am truly still in disbelief. This person actually lived with me for almost a year while she was trying to get on her feet struggling with severe depression that I guess went along with BPD. She had not gotten the official BPD diagnosis as far as I know but in talking to my own therapist and doing tons of reading I am 100% convinced that she has borderline.   Anyway, for the last year I was a best friend, mother, sister, therapist, etc. to this person and now they are completely gone without any explanation.   It hurts so badly and despite reading books and seeing a therapist etc. I cannot get her out of my head yet. I just can’t understand how she could shut me out this way.   My family and friends are pushing me to see that it’s probably  ultimately for the best but that is so hard to hear.   So long story short I very much feel your pain. It’s truly awful. Very hard to feel like somebody so Close has died but yet you know they are still there and probably just moving on like it’s nothing.   I would also welcome any suggestions that anyone has about how to move forward. I guess six weeks is not that long but I was hoping I’d feel a little bit better by now

[Coastered]

The way I cope is that I tried, I feel the way I do and I imagine you feel the way you feel because you care.  They do not care.  I have come to learn that the way the disorder works is that, like a child, they are after a new toy and sadly we are the toy the child no longer wants.  We are old news and no longer useful.  Another way to look at it is that they are very, very, very good at locking up their emotions and as such do not feel the way we do.  This could be due to the shame involved if they have to think about us and contact us.  There is nothing we can do about it.  They have become so good at shutting people out that it no longer affects them.

Thanks for your message