DD cut us out after we let GD move in, how can we restore peace to our family

[mawie]

  I'm inadequate in knowing how to handle the situation I find myself in. About 6 weeks ago my granddaughter attempted suicide. While in the waiting room my daughter her mother has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I also believe that my daughter is suffering from BPD. Because of the situation at home my granddaughter now lives with me and my husband. Which has made my daughter cut me completely out of her life. I felt I had no choice in letting my granddaugher move in with us because she could not handle the way her mother was making her feel. I love them both, and would like to find some solution in bringing peace back to my family. Our granddaugher is in therapy, my daughter refuses to admit she even has a problem. Any assistance would be appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi mawie  

I'd like to welcome you to BPD Family. I assure you, you are not alone in feeling inadequate. There is no rule book on how to deal with issues such as suicide attempts, being cut off from our adult children, etc.

I can absolutely understand why you'd feel you had no choice but to open your home to your GD (short for granddaughter) and it makes sense that your DD (short for dear/darling daughter) would be unhappy with the arrangement. There is no right or wrong here, you are all doing the best you can do under these intense circumstances.

As for bringing peace back to your family, again - no cut and dry answer there either, sorry! What we are learning to do here, together, is to cope. And, while we don't have all the answers, we do have lots of tools for communicating that can help end the cycle of conflict. If our adult children don't believe they have a problem, then the change must begin with us.

How is your GD coping, being away from home? How about you and your DH (short for dear/darling husband)? Is your DD in contact at all?

Keep posting, reading and learning all you can about BPD - there is hope for a more peaceful life, mawie, I'm glad you reached out for support.

Again, welcome!

~ OH

[Pilpel]

It sounds like there are two issues: 1) what is best for your GD and 2) peace in the family.  And it sounds like for the moment you have to pick the one that is most important.   

[Mirsa]

Hi Mawie,

How old is your grand-daughter?  If a teenager, then those are definitely turbulent years.  Why is DD so upset that your GD is living with you for a while?  It could give her a bit of a break as well and perhaps some time to re-group.  

One thing I've learned from two challenging teenagers:  this too shall pass.  What seems like a crisis can calm down within a few weeks.  A living situation today could be different tomorrow.  Essentially, nothing is permanent.  

In the meantime, you've just taken on a challenging role:  parenting a child in crisis.  I hope you can find some ways to also take care of yourself, because it's tiring work!   Your DD may realize in a few more days that she is actually enjoying a bit of a break.   Just give it some time, and in the meantime... .breathe!

[mawie]

Thanks for your response. My GD will be 18 in 3 months. My DD is upset because she says I have taken her child away from her, and she says I think I can be a better parent to her DD than she is. However, my GD feels like its too volatile to live with her mother, and not again repeat her suicidal ideation. I am seeing a therapist for myself.

[once removed]

when your daughter is accusing you of all of this, how have you responded to her?

has there been any communication between your daughter and granddaughter, either about her choice to live with you, or in general?

[Pilpel]

Mawie, I'm glad to hear you're seeing a therapist.  It's important to take care of what is best for your GD.  But also take care of yourself.