How do I convince my BPD daughter that counseling will help?

[Parents! Get help here!]

My BPD daughter attends a large public university where she’s a Baton Twirler. She twirls with the marching band at football games. During her first fall semester in 2017 she had a mental health crisis, became suicidal, was cutting and was hospitalized twice. She had no other mental health history.  She withdrew from the university, came home, got a job, did a 3 week intensive outpatient program (that seemed more geared toward addicts). She then started therapy with a counselor but didn’t care for her. She set a goal to return to school in June. A few months before she left we found a great counselor and she was making progress. She has some ups and downs but did well in the summer semester and in fall in her classes.
She had told us she would try university counseling but later admitted she lied and would not go back there because it made her feel “triggered”. (The university counseling center had her Baker Acted during her first visit there, a few days after she was released from the hospital the first time).
She doesn’t connect with people. She says she is lonely and has no friends. There was drama on the Baton team and she waffles on whether she will audition again (required every year to participate). I think she needs it as this has been her sport for 12 years, gives her physical activity, a team to belong to and takes up time. Too much free time is bad for her.  This semester she rushed at a small non-traditional sorority and was not selected to join. She was devastated and it started a downward spiral. She got a job off campus along with her studies. She does well in classes and works but does not socialize. She eats alone, studies alone, does not interact. She has pushed friends away. I have tried to set up friends for her to meet (thru other moms) and she thinks it is lame for her mom to have to find her friends. The only time she seems happy is when she has a boyfriend. Right now she does not.
I keep trying to convince her to try therapy again. She refuses. I don’t think I am saying the right things. I need the right words.  I ask her why she won’t go but don’t want to say what is really on my mind, (basically to get her big girl panties on and get back to therapy because her way is not working.) What can I do? I’m 3 hours away and we FaceTime almost daily (she calls me).
I was in therapy last year but stopped but I am going back soon. 

[TwirlMom]

My BPD daughter attends a large public university where she’s a Baton Twirler. She twirls with the marching band at football games. During her first fall semester in 2017 she had a mental health crisis, became suicidal, was cutting and was hospitalized twice. She had no other mental health history.  She withdrew from the university, came home, got a job, did a 3 week intensive outpatient program (that seemed more geared toward addicts). She then started therapy with a counselor but didn’t care for her. She set a goal to return to school in June. A few months before she left we found a great counselor and she was making progress. She has some ups and downs but did well in the summer semester and in fall in her classes.
She had told us she would try university counseling but later admitted she lied and would not go back there because it made her feel “triggered”. (The university counseling center had her Baker Acted during her first visit there, a few days after she was released from the hospital the first time).
She doesn’t connect with people. She says she is lonely and has no friends. There was drama on the Baton team and she waffles on whether she will audition again (required every year to participate). I think she needs it as this has been her sport for 12 years, gives her physical activity, a team to belong to and takes up time. Too much free time is bad for her.  This semester she rushed at a small non-traditional sorority and was not selected to join. She was devastated and it started a downward spiral. She got a job off campus along with her studies. She does well in classes and works but does not socialize. She eats alone, studies alone, does not interact. She has pushed friends away. I have tried to set up friends for her to meet (thru other moms) and she thinks it is lame for her mom to have to find her friends. The only time she seems happy is when she has a boyfriend. Right now she does not.
I keep trying to convince her to try therapy again. She refuses. I don’t think I am saying the right things. I need the right words.  I ask her why she won’t go but don’t want to say what is really on my mind, (basically to get her big girl panties on and get back to therapy because her way is not working.) What can I do? I’m 3 hours away and we FaceTime almost daily (she calls me).
I was in therapy last year but stopped but I am going back soon. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi twirl mom
I am going to be watching this thread because I would also like to see my son try therapy. Right now he is opposed to it because he says once his ex gf went into therapy she broke up with him. He also doesn't really accept his BPD diagnosis. Does your daughter accept hers?

[Moana]

TwirlMom,

I can relate so much to what you are going through with your daughter and I wish I had some words of advice but I am struggling with the same issues. My D18 has been to so many therapists and tried so many meds and has only gotten worse so she just doesn't trust the system anymore. She doesn't think that anything or anyone can help her.

She tried college last fall, went to her "dream school" and was home in 6 weeks, couldn't get along with roommates, couldn't make friends and was smoking marijuana everyday just to get through the pain. Since coming home things aren't any better and she is now completely hopeless and feels like there is nothing she can do to get better. This disorder is horrific and the treatment that is out there just isn't enough. It's hard to be hopeful when you read that even if treatment will work that it can take several years to even start to feel better.

I'm sorry that I can't be more help, and I would also love to hear any ideas that others may have.

[livednlearned]

Is she refusing therapy because it's at the university? Or is she refusing therapy off campus too?

Altho it's not optimal she she is averse to the university counselor, it makes some sense that she wouldn't want to return if she was involuntarily committed. Even if being Baker acted was for the best she will likely assume that the center is associated with losing some semblance of control.

Would your daughter be willing to try another counselor of her choosing somewhere near campus? SD21 had a good counselor in our home town and was never able to find one that she connected with in her university town or on campus. She does phone sessions with her counselor here and that seems to help. I wish we could get her into a DBT group and even participate in our own so that we had shared language to help deal with her distress and interpersonal challenges. She doesn't recognize that manipulating people to pay attention to her has the opposite effect.

SD21 also calls H every day, sometimes twice. He has learned to say, Let me know what kind of support you're looking for, whether you want me to listen or offer advice. It makes her accountable for knowing what she wants and asking for it instead of expecting him to know and then getting mad when he upsets her. He will also say things like, When you have felt like this before, what helped? H and I have both looked at the DBT workbook and try to suggest similar ways of dealing with distress in the hopes the repetition and familiarity (if she ever chooses to do DBT) will start create a road map.