Mother in law needing guidance

[lakeside321]

 
I am a mother in-law of a 34 year old daughter in-law who has traits of BPD. My husband and I have one son. They have one daughter 13 years old from daughter in law's previous relationship, the father has never been in the picture from birth. Together they have a 2 year old son and last we knew another child was on the way, 12 weeks along at Christmas time.

A event occurred on Christmas evening. Reportedly our daughter in-law wanted to discuss with us if they were to have a girl if my husband would ensure he would not sexually abuse her while in our care. Our son did not want to bring it up. The scenario had been a big point of anxiety for her for days prior to the holiday. On Christmas Eve morning they had a conflict, she left for three hours. Arriving home apparently she said she was fine.
Later in the evening at our home she became sullen and quiet, eventually unable to convince our son to have the talk . She sat appearing non-communicative. She went for a walk without saying anything to my husband or I, our son knew that what she wanted to. During the walk she chose to completely walk home, the distance of 2 miles. Later she returned in her car to retrieve the kids, angry at our son for his non-compliance to hold the conversation with my husband, and telling our son that he should have known to come after her. When she learned he had shared with us the topic of the her concerns she went into a accusatory rage, crying in front of all of us, children too. It appeared a break-up might be occurring,
 (she said she wanted a divorce) and she left alone. Returning again and leaving again. It was chaos. Only when she became concerned about his whereabouts did she seem to gain some self control. A while later the two of them and the infant returned to our home to talk. It was uncomfortable, there were apogies from our son only. There were expressions of love and concern, along with their desire to clear the air and make up for the events of the evening. I did state I couldn't imagine ever leaving my in laws house that way. After getting things out we parted amicably with hugs and sentiments of our love for everyone.
We've been so supportive. One month earlier we helped them with moving in to a home from an apartment. As similar behaviors have created unreasonable anger and unjustified distrust issues, we paid for for counseling (of their choice), although she was always right and her husband wrong; we had thought a good counselor would be able to identify the issue but she usually quit. She does not have positive relationships with her on again off again family; very tumultuous relations with her reported narcissistic mother. Most of the family issues we don't know what their about, never met any of her family. Her parents divorced and her dad has since passed. We for the most part have been her unconditional loving and caring family to her.
Our daughter in law has been on medication treatment a few times with good results, unfortunately she doesn't like taking them and stops treatment. She has never honestly expressed to us if she knows the nature of her emotional problems (at least to us) and it has made their relationship a roller-coaster for four years. Our son is strong. He was diagnosed in early childhood with ADHD and later in adolescent with anxiety. As a result of exceptional medical care and psychological counseling he is doing very well. His experiences have been a God send. He's been a great support and the majority of the time they are strong, in-love and
very committed. He works full time and she works part time. They go to church on Sundays and listen to a Family of Origin podcasts for strength and guidance.

A few days after Christmas we took them a lots of holidays goodies, they accepted our offer but expressed quick drop-off only, which we complied with. A couple of days later they came to pick up a few things. We were asked to hold off on our communication while they focused on family; which has been respected.
In the following two months we have communicated by texting them twice about two important messages, important mail at our house and us leaving on vacation (just last Sunday) . We used SET communications format to ensure we expressed support, consciousness and empathy for their wishes of family time, only reaching due to the importance of the issues.
Our son was very responsive. He expressed appreciation for the heads - up, and stated they are continuing to work on the family, "their time has been healthy and productive. They would let us know when they were ready to see us, and wished us a happy vacation".
We hope they are okay.
Can you give us any advice how we move forward?

Thank you.
Mary

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hello and Welcome to BPD Family!

I'm so sorry for what has brought you here but I'm glad you found us. It's an odd request, your DIL (short for daughter-in-law) asking for assurance that your DH (short for dear/darling husband) won't molest a future female child.

We used SET communications format to ensure we expressed support, consciousness and empathy for their wishes of family time, only reaching due to the importance of the issues.

It's great that you are familiar with SET and are able to use it successfully - you are ahead of the game for sure. Your son's response, stating he appreciates the heads up and will let you know when they're ready to be in touch, is encouraging, though I know it must be difficult to wait for that to happen.

I wish I had some solid advice for you on how to move forward, but nothing is cut and dry with pwBPD. I encourage you to continue to read and learn all you can about BPD, prepare yourselves for when you're invited to resume contact. In the meantime, it's important that you take care of yourselves, doing things you enjoy. Do you have any outside support? A Therapist?

I'm glad you're here and look forward to getting to know you and how we can best support you.

Again, welcome!

~ OH

[Turkish]

If I'm reading this right,  she told your son that she wanted to bring this up,  he didn't want to,  she felt invalidated,  reacted, he brought it up with you,  he told her,  and she further reacted,  yes?

The elephant in the room is that she was likely molested herself.  Do you think so?

That's a pretty shocking thing to throw out there (I got hints of this from my ex even before we split, about both of our kids,  now S9 and D almost 7). It pissed me off, and I always suspected that my ex might have been abused... .It came out years later in front of a post break T session. My T was good about getting these things out. 

So where do you go from here?

It's good that you are still in communication. I don't think my therapists blunt approach would yield fruit, " were you molested?" He asked after observing that girls in her family weren't protected.  It might be somethimg to ask your son. 

My mom was molested by her father, she told me decades later after he was decades dead. I could see,  even at 18 when she told me,  how it twisted her world view. 

I can understand how your son wouldn't want her to ask you, as it's shocking and insulting,  but trying to protect all of you,  it blew up,  so now he's defaulted to trying to salvage this with his family. Maybe you can ask him how he thinks his kids could be safe? I know this isn't simple or easy... .my ex brought up something a few months ago about me and our daughter and our pissed me off. 

[lakeside321]

Thank you so much for your responses.
The blow up occurred as reiterated, and I do think it's very possible that she was molested. She is the youngest daughter of a blended family and had half siblings from both her parents. Her father passed away two years ago. When he passed, which was unexpected, was up to her to resolve his belongings which was very important and emotional for her. She keeps very important possessions, books, Bible, mostly. Her parents where divorced.  She was brought up religiously, unaffiliated with a particular religious group, and based upon the information we received from her and our son, there was some questionable aspects of their teaching. Case in point, minister's son, junior pastor in line,preached about pornagraphy leading to obsession in his (married) life. So now everyone has to repent for every one else's faults; people in bathing suits are a problematic and sleazy.
I understand that she has told our son of a situation she described as a date rape.

We arrived home yesterday to find a package and note from our daughter in law. The note written by her bud addressed from the two of them was a personal item of our son's that they wanted us to hold on to, it's his concealed weapon. The note indicated that she was considering applying for a permit for herself also. She has a 13 year old DV 4th degree assault hx with her daughter's father. She stated she wants to try get the history off her record so she can get a permit. Nice note with little heart next to their names.
She works part time, been to counseling over the years. When the recent event at Christmas happened, our son did not respond to her rage, I have the sense that he knew how to manage the situation, but I do not have any idea if there's a diagnosis indicated exactly. But he's been very helpful to her given his experience with excellent counseling.

Of course, the topic of weapons is alarmin, but at least they do not have it in the home now. The question is did our son really participate?  Of course all communications must include them both when we are contacting them.

My husband and I are not in counseling, but I have been reading numerous books on the subject. Another just arrived today. Since my husband (and son) have been the wrong doer accused of many things he's emotionally hurt by accusations. I've had my opinions but they are softer in my approach.
Her mother is also narcissistic and the cause for many relationship issues.
We realize that her family life is quite a mixed up mess, drug abuse, poverty-stricken, and her mother and family always have their hands out.
Our DIL is a very good mother, she taken great strides to be independent and responsible for her and her daughter from a prior relationship. Ourfeelings
She a loving person with deep emotional wounds who is trying very hard to create a good life for her family.
We'll continue to learn how respond without criticism, anger, or emotional, and it seems to be patient.
Any other advice is greatly appreciated!

Thank you very much.

[Turkish]

Depending upon the laws in your state, is it legal for you to hold onto the pistol? Is it registered? If it's his, then she may have done something illegal if taking it from him.  Was it sent through the USPS or another service or just left? I'm concerned more with you getting in trouble since this is odd.  If he doesn't know about it. 

[FaithHopeLove]

As a former law enforcement officer I also caution you about the handgun.