He left me with our newborn

[Loopsie]

Hello all
My first post here and not sure what I’m hoping to achieve from it as right now I feel completely broken
I have been with my partner for two years. He has shown signs of BPD consistently through that time but his behaviour has escalated since October 2018 with the lies and splitting and just so much hate
We have a now 11 week old son together that he walked out on when he was just 6 weeks old. He calls me every name under the sun in absolutely vile messages which used to rile me up but now I just message back saying please stop being so nasty.
The hate and anger he has for everyone around him is just horrific, in particular his ex wife who he apparently has been asking to take him back for nearly a year. He has chNged jobs 5 times in the last year and is so focused on money it’s incredible. I supported him through this, working full time right up until I had our little boy who was premature. My obstetrician said it was the stress that caused that.
He now wants nothing to do with his son or me and I have just never felt for empty or numb
Has anyone else experienced anything similar? What was your outcome?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome though I am so sorry for what brings you here.  How is your little baby doing?  Are you managing with the little one okay?

I do not have personal experience with this situation but it is not unheard of here.  Regardless, you have found a safe and supportive place to talk with others who understand how it feels to have a loved one leave and turn suddenly.

How often is he texting you?  Sometimes the best thing to do is not respond as even telling him to leave you alone is a form of attention and that can actually reinforce dysfunctional behavior.   I am not saying to go silent on him, but maybe don'e respond all that often. 

I am glad you are reaching out for support.  We get it here and can help.  We have also seen some situations turn around and improve.  It takes time and work but we have tools here that you can learn that can help you cope and may help your relationship. 

Where are you hoping this relationship will go?

[Radcliff]

Let me join Harri in welcoming you.  I'm so sorry for the difficult situation you find yourself in.  You are not alone.  The members here have experienced the heartache of coping with BPD.  In addition to bpdfamily, what does your support system look like?  Do you have family and friends who can help you with the new baby, or provide emotional support?

RC

[Loopsie]

I live in a different country to my family, however I currently have my parents here as they came to visit us and their first grandchild. They have witnessed this absolute car crash. They want me to come home for a few months which I’m in 2 minds about. He is telling me to leave and get out of the country. He took our car in the middle of the night and has cancelled the lease on our house so I don’t know what to do? I still love him so very much and I know that he is sick. What do you think I should do?

[SunandMoon]

Hello Loopsie

What a horrible situation! I'm so sorry this has happened and I'm glad you've reached out for help here.

It's good that your parents are here but awful they have witnessed this implosion of your relationship. They must be so worried for you and your baby. It should be such a happy time for you all.

It seems that your partner is making it difficult for you to stay and I'm concerned that trying to stay in a different country with a small baby and few resources will be very hard for you.

I get it, as I also live in a different country from my family. Being an expat can make you feel very isolated when things go wrong.

Perhaps consider going home for a while just to have a break from the stress and bring some stability into your life. It's a lot to cope with and you'll need the support. Your little boy does too.

It doesn't mean your relationship is over... just that you move sideways for a while to let everything calm down.

May I ask how you know he has been asking his ex-wife to take him back?

Keep posting and writing it out here so we can help you work through this.

[empath]

Hi Loopsie, I'm sorry for the events that bring you to the boards here. My first grandchild was born very prematurely; we've just past the one year anniversary of her coming-home day. We've also just past one year that my h has been out of our house by his choice.

It is horrible to be in a situation with a premature baby and a spouse who decides not to be there in your time of need. How is your little boy doing? I'm glad that your parents are with you to support and help.

[Harri]

Hi again.  No one here can really decide for you but we can help you look at options.

If you stay will you be able to support yourself and your little guy?  Will you be able to take over the lease on the house?  What kind of support system, other than us here, will you have once your parents return home?

Safety and making sure you have the basics is important.  Ask yourself the same questions for the option of moving back home.

 

[Radcliff]

I think Harri's thoughts are right on.  We can't tell you what to do, but can ask questions and help you think through what you want to do.  At this point, creating a situation where you and your baby have adequate support is very important.  The answers to Harri's questions will help us understand your situation better.

RC

[Loopsie]

Hi all and thank you so much for your thoughts. I have made the decision to put my life here on hold for a bit and go home with my parents for 6 weeks to give us all a bit of breathing space
I found out he had asked his ex wife back from her, my mum contacted her to hear her side of the story and it wasn’t a nice one.
The messages he sends me daily are just vile, calling me a cancer amongst other things
I’ll aim to come back here and get back to my routine with work and put little one into childcare
I have some family here and also some very good friends who I would be lost without!
He is saying this is now all my parents fault! The blame never stops!

[Radcliff]

Thanks for the update.  These first months are so important for you and your baby.  I hope you enjoy peaceful time with him and your parents.

Is he still sending vile messages?  Are you still responding, asking him to stop?  If that's not effective, you may find it more effective to tell him once that you won't respond to messages with any nastiness or disrespect in them.  Then simply delete them with no response.  Likely he will quiet down.  If not, it may also be helpful to move your trusted support people to a different e-mail address for you, so you have a "safe" e-mail you can check without worrying about getting messages from him.

When do you leave for your home country?

RC

[Loopsie]

Hi RC
Yes I’m still getting vile messages from him. He blames me for absolutely everything, says I was a different person a year ago, that I was awesome then
Makes vile comments about our son
It breaks my heart, I just can’t get past the cycle of being so angry with him for what he has done to still feeling like I love him
How could I possibly love someone who would do this?
He did similar to his ex wife and now me. He taunts me saying he is on dating sites and that he has met someone new
How horrible to do that to the mother of your 3 month old child
His ex wife will be in court with him next week as she has placed a family violence order on him, she is going for custody of their kids and she is right too
He is in no state to be around children
He has damaged so many lives and just blames everyone else

[empath]

Loopsie,

I'm glad that you have support from your family during this time. It is heartbreaking to love someone who makes such horrible comments. I would encourage you to take care of yourself and your little boy during this time.

[Harri]

Hi again.  I am glad you will be getting some space from him and that when you return you will have a good support system.

Love is just like any other emotions and it does not always make sense.  Feelings just are.   Loving someone while hating their actions happens.  I don't know much about love but I do know that just because I feel it, does not mean I have to act on it.   I don't always act on my anger or hurt.

Okay, just rambling now.

Keep us posted.

[SunandMoon]

Hi Loopsie

I'm so glad you are going to take a break and go home for a while. It's so important to take care of yourself and get space to think properly when a person with BPD is creating chaos all around you.

The things he is saying to you are horrible, as you realise. No one should have to tolerate that sort of abuse, especially when you have just had a baby. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

It breaks my heart, I just can’t get past the cycle of being so angry with him for what he has done to still feeling like I love him
How could I possibly love someone who would do this? 

This is a good question to ponder when you have some space and stability.

Judging from what his ex-wife is saying, it's a pattern of behaviour and you need to realise it is not your fault.

Nor do you need to listen to the abusive messages. It is just allowing him to hurt you more and for whatever reason, he obviously wants to do damage to you. Tell him once that if he continues to send you vile messages, you will have to block him. And then do it.

Now is the time to protect yourself and your baby. You've been through so much. It will also force him to find other outlets for his anger or to self-soothe. Don't allow the damage to continue.

Sending you strength   

[Radcliff]

As SunandMoon says, you need to protect yourself from his messages.  It's not about sending him a message or controlling his behavior.  He is who he is.  But you reading those messages is hurting you, and if there's a chance of your relationship recovering, it's not helping for you to be reading the negativity.

I agree with SunandMoon that you should say you'll need to block him if he sends another hurtful message, then do it.  The one difference I'd suggest is to say you'll do it for a defined time period.  That way you won't get stuck in that awkward spot of wondering how to resume conflict.  I'd tell him if he sends another hurtful message, you'll block him for a week.  If you block him, after a week silently unblock him.  If another hurtful message comes in, block him for a couple of weeks.  Do you think you can do that?  The main objective is not to change his behavior, it's to protect you from being hurt for a time period.  Does that make sense?

RC