Third time. I'mleaving him. We had another physical fight.

[Frankee]

I am leaving him.  It hit me this morning on what another person on here said once.  It can take three times trying before successfully leaving an abusive relationship.  Last night was an incident that I cannot let go.  We went out last night for Mardi Gras.  Night started a little rough, but us and our friends ended up having a good time.  I mean, it was really fun and everything was going so well.  Then we leave for the night...

Another couple took two of our girlfriends home.  My H said, where are you all going, they said home.  He holler to the guy, you better bang one of them bit@#$ you take home, he just laughed and they left.  We walk to the corner and we laughing and talking.  He said something about the other girls and I finally said (Her name) doesn't want to bang us.  He lost it.  He started coming at me, saying that it's this attitude, comments that I have made that have made him upset and brought us to this point.  I tried to talk to him, but we ended up arguing.  He kept trying to shove money at me to leave and I said, I have some, so he starts walking off.

I get my phone out to call a cab and he comes back.  He starts getting in my face and I am trying to get him to leave.  He said he is going to the boat.  Gets mad because I didn't stop him.  We are on the corner downtown right down the street from the bar.  People are walking by and cops are patrolling.  I think I am okay because we are in public.  We start arguing and then he pushes me hard.  I lose it and I push him back.  We tussle a little bit, he shoves me again and turns his back, I shoved him in the back and scream at him that he isn't allowed to put his hands on me like that.  He whirls around and drags me around the corner to a dark area.  I knew he did it and checked for cops around, because then he proceeds to grab me by the neck, shove me up against the brick wall, push me up, and shoves my face to the side.  I start panicking because he is choking me.  He has me hard enough to where I couldn't get free. I hit and kick at him, then all of a sudden, he drops me, shoved me down and started to walk away.  I hit the ground hard and fell down, but luckily caught myself by the palms of my hands.  I get up in a fit of rage.  I turned around at see two guys standing there.  I go around the corner and see him.  I scream at him F'ed up, that is the last time he will ever put his hands on me again, screaming other profanities.  One of the guys stops me and holds me back.  This guy is saying he is gone, don't go after him.

They offer me a ride somewhere safe and at first ai don't go, but then I say okay and I call my girlfriend.  These two random strangers probably stopped him from hurting me even more and gave me a ride.  Turns out the driver's mom was a victim of domestic abuse and he kept telling me that nobody deserves that.  They asked it that was the first time he did anything like that, I lied and said yes.  Them must had seen him because they knew he was attacking me.  I spent the night at my girlfriend's house.

My girlfriend and the other couple knows what happened.  The wife knew what I was going through, she was in an abusive relationship.  They all offered me support and told me they were there if I ever needed help.  

I tried to hold on to when things were more convenient, but after last night, I can longer stay with a man who does that.  I have nothing more to give him and no more love for him.

[Cat Familiar]

So sorry it has come to this, Frankee, but you've tried and you were hopeful for a better outcome for a while.   

Do you have a plan in place? It's nice that your friends have offered their support.

[Gemsforeyes]

My dear Frankee-

I am so sorry for what you have endured.  I have followed your story, although I haven’t posted on your threads before.  I’d like to join Cat in saying that you tried your best to better your marriage with your BPDh.  We sometimes reach a point where apologies ring hollow and the pain is just too great.

You have been through some incredibly difficult times, both with your BPDh and your health issues, all while keeping a home, caring for your children and maintaining your studies.  Please don’t underestimate your strength and resilience.

You are an amazingly strong and beautiful woman.  You deserve love you can count on.  Everyday.  I’m sure you’re taking today to arrange your safety plan.  It sounds like you have supportive friends, and you’re keenly aware of what you need to do.

I encourage you to keep your eyes forward so you can live your life in a way that reflects your values; where you’re rewarded for your efforts.  There will soon be a time when you will feel good each morning when you open your eyes.  Please allow yourself to do whatever it takes for you to arrive at that day and be in that peaceful place.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Frankee]

I told him I am going to be an adult about this.  My plan is to keep the rental house for the next month like we planned.  I told him he needs to fix up the boat so the boys can stay with him awhile.  I would take them to school and daycare and he can pick them up.  I am going to find a woman's shelter or see if I can stay at the shelter I was at before.  I am going to swallow my pride and see if they will let me come back again.

I am not going to subject the boys to a shelter, when they have a place to live at.  I have a decent job and I should be able to get housing assistance or find somewhere cheap to go.

He promised to change.  He knew he was back sliding.  It was all the same conversations we had before.  He claims to not remember any of it.  I am not buying it.  I talked to him on the phone and Every time he asked what he can do to fix it, I said nothing.  I told him I don't want to be with him anymore, I have nothing left to give him, I don't want to take care of him anymore.  I told him I don't want anything from him.  He asked for another chance and I kept saying no.  

This couldn't of happened at a worse time, but it did.  I am anxious what this means that will happen with my schooling and my entire life.  I just am listening to my gut.  I am going to be severely heart broken and part of me is going to want to give him another chance.  I just have to have the strength to say no and really mean it.

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm so sorry, Frankee.

You did try so hard. You did everything you could think of to do, but for someone to truly change he has to take responsibility...for real. Not that "surface" responsibility where he owns it up to a certain level... but apparently, he has really on the inside still blamed you.

Gems is right, you are incredibly strong. You are compassionate. You did everything you could for this relationship.

Are your children with you? Do you feel safe right now?

Many hugs,

Redeemed

[Frankee]

You have been through some incredibly difficult times, both with your BPDh and your health issues, all while keeping a home, caring for your children and maintaining your studies.  Please don’t underestimate your strength and resilience.

You are an amazingly strong and beautiful woman.  You deserve love you can count on.  Everyday.  I’m sure you’re taking today to arrange your safety plan.  It sounds like you have supportive friends, and you’re keenly aware of what you need to do.

Thank you for the support.  I feel there is way too much damage.  I told him I spent years holding his hand, trying to help him.  I was the one person in his entire life that tried harder than anyone else.  Tried to show him love more than anybody.  Yet, he has treated me worse than anyone else in his entire life.  I told him that nobody in my entire life has treated me as bad as he has.  Not even my ex husband he ended up molesting his oldest daughter.  How much is that saying about my H, when yes my ex was a horrible person, but he never did the things close to what my H did to me physically.  Even the emotional abuse by my ex wasn't as bad as my H.

This is the second time I have ended up leaving someone who's abused me.  I have serious problems if I keep allowing men in my life like that.  I didn't have a hard, abusive childhood.  No trauma.  Wonderful parents.  Yet somehow I have fallen into a relationship with abusive people.   I have cr@p standards for myself and relationship.  I am too caring and too understanding.  I want to be alone.  I want to finish my school, I want to take care of the boys, and try to find my happiness.

The kids are safe and I am too.  I am going to have to follow through quickly with my plan to get mine and the boys things in storage.  I feel safe going home.  I still have responsibilites I need to take care of.  This next month is going to be hard.  He is going to try to give me the moon and I don't want it.

[Turkish]

I'm glad you and your boys are safe. 

It's sad that he doesn't remember it,  but my ex also doesn't entrust certain things.  I don't remember how it came up,  but I mentioned to her many years later the night I let then S1 fall asleep in my arms before his bath.  She was cooking dinner.  I dreaded telling her.  After I walked out of the kitchen,  she slammed the fridge door hard enough so that the door contents feel out,  broke,  and made a mess.  It was the only time I was actually afraid of her.  I cleaned it up while she ate angrily at the table.  She didn't remember it.  She didn't disbelieve me and she seemed upset that she couldn't remember.

With or without alcohol, sometimes pwBPD enter a fugue state.  Wary matters is that you keep yourself safe, and it sounds like you are,  as tough as it is. 

[Cat Familiar]

This is the second time I have ended up leaving someone who's abused me.  I have serious problems if I keep allowing men in my life like that.  I didn't have a hard, abusive childhood.  No trauma.  Wonderful parents.  Yet somehow I have fallen into a relationship with abusive people.   I have cr@p standards for myself and relationship.  I am too caring and too understanding.  I want to be alone.  I want to finish my school, I want to take care of the boys, and try to find my happiness.

You know what you want to do--to get your nursing degree, be a good mom, take care of your health, and be true to yourself.

I don't think you will ever fall into a relationship with another abusive man again. You now know too much and have way more understanding about people than you did several years ago.

Remember to be safe, disengage from conflict, and seek help from your counselor and DV advocates. You'll do fine. You're strong and resilient.

[Frankee]

We've been cohabiting since yesterday evening.  He picked me up from work and when he brought me home, he stopped me.  He dropped to his knees and begged and kept apologizing.  He kept saying he didn't know what happened.  He would say that he will never do that again.  I told him he's right, because I am not going to allow him to ever do it again.  I told him that he has put his hands on me too many times and somehow made me feel like I deserved it.  I told him last night that was the last time he will ever put his hands on me and I will not give him another chance to even let it happen again. 

I didn't feel anything towards him when he was on his knees begging.  I didn't feel any compassion, I didn't feel any pull on my heart, feeling like he deserved another chance.  I didn't even really feel hurt.  I just felt, hollow.  I don't feel like I should ever forgive him for anything.  I gave him chance after chance.  I exhausted my resources towards him.  He has drained every bit of sympathy I had for him.  He has apologized, he cleaned the house, he took care of the kids yesterday.  I did say thank you for any of it.  He is doing everything I do without hardly ever a thank you.  He did everything that is just expected of me.  I haven't accepted his apology, I haven't told him I love him.  Honestly, our current cohabiting feels more right to me that trying to be his wife.  I don't feel any spark, any attraction to him anymore.

He promised to never drink again, told me he would stop bugging me about women, promised to focus on me more, told me he doesn't want to go out, that if that is how he acts when he drinks, he will never drink again.  He told me he doesn't want to hurt me.  I told him he did.  Today, we are being civil.  I am discussing with him things that need to be done with the dogs and storage.  Hard reality is that we have to work together right now to get the living arrangements situated. 

I am calling my therapist tomorrow to see if she can squeeze me in sooner.  I am not giving him any ultimatums, I'm not giving him stipulations, I am not giving him any rules even though he wants me to.  I know I deserve better than any of this.  He wants another chance.  I can't give it to him.  I don't believe he can put himself in my shoes, I don't believe he can control his anger, I don't believe he will ever really be happy with just me and the boys, I don't believe he will ever get my trust back. 

I am the kind of person that will give and give to the people I love and hardly ever expect anything in return, just to be loved.  I am also the kind of person that will put up with so much from the people I love.  I am also the kind of person that you can keep pushing and pushing, but when I get to a point where I had enough, I lose all caring to that person.  I lose all compassion and love for that person.  Once I reach that point in my relationship, that person will never earn it back.  Once I reach that point, it means I have tried over and over, have given chance after chance, I have given excuse after excuse for their behavior, I have tried to conform to what they wanted to make them happy, and in the process, lost who I was.  There is only one other person in my entire life that I have come to that point and it was my ex. 

[Perdita]

I understand exactly what you mean about being kind and giving everything for the ones you love and just wanting to be loved in turn. It seems so simple and yet it is so hard. Personally I think that the more you do for people the less they respect you. This has been my experience. Definitely more so in a r/s with a BPD person.

It just amazes me how much your husband is apologizing and begging. He must be really scared to do that. Mine just becomes more aggrevated and don't-care.  I packed up most of my things today. Just about everything is still there, but I am not and I am not sleeping there tonight. With mine it's drugs.

[Notwendy]

It's not amazing that he is being apologetic. His behavior is part of  a cycle.

Drug addiction is also a difficult situation, but it is different from abuse. There is an abuse cycle where the abuser is apologetic right after the abuse, but the cycle continues.

Drug addiction involves denial.

It's hard for both of you.

[Cat Familiar]

I didn't feel anything towards him when he was on his knees begging.  I didn't feel any compassion, I didn't feel any pull on my heart, feeling like he deserved another chance.  I didn't even really feel hurt.  I just felt, hollow.  I don't feel like I should ever forgive him for anything.  I gave him chance after chance.  I exhausted my resources towards him.  He has drained every bit of sympathy I had for him.  He has apologized, he cleaned the house, he took care of the kids yesterday.  I did say thank you for any of it.  He is doing everything I do without hardly ever a thank you.  He did everything that is just expected of me.  I haven't accepted his apology, I haven't told him I love him.  Honestly, our current cohabiting feels more right to me that trying to be his wife.  I don't feel any spark, any attraction to him anymore.

Frankee, what you describe is about identical to my experience after my ex-husband assaulted me for the very last time. I was all out of sympathy, compassion, understanding--everything. I was just done. And I knew it was the end of the road for me.

He couldn't believe it. And like your husband, he was extremely apologetic and it was incomprehensible to him that I was done forgiving him and going back to things as usual. But that was it. I lost any feeling toward him other than as just someone I used to care about and now had the same feeling for as a random stranger. Well, not "random" but someone I was wary about, because I knew the depth of his cruelty.  

He promised to never drink again, told me he would stop bugging me about women, promised to focus on me more, told me he doesn't want to go out, that if that is how he acts when he drinks, he will never drink again.  He told me he doesn't want to hurt me.  

Yes, I heard those types of promises for years and as soon as I accepted his apologies, then it wasn't long before those behaviors occurred over and over. Rinse and repeat.

I am calling my therapist tomorrow to see if she can squeeze me in sooner.  I am not giving him any ultimatums, I'm not giving him stipulations, I am not giving him any rules even though he wants me to.  I know I deserve better than any of this.  He wants another chance.  I can't give it to him.  I don't believe he can put himself in my shoes, I don't believe he can control his anger, I don't believe he will ever really be happy with just me and the boys, I don't believe he will ever get my trust back.

I'm so glad that you're seeking support. It's a lot to bear on your own.  

[Skip]

It just amazes me how much your husband is apologizing and begging. He must be really scared to do that.

Frankee, as you know from prior counseling, leaving is the time of highest risk for for severe physical harm. I strongly encourage you to pick your words carefully when talking to him. The goal is to exit with the least amount of emotional injury. The worst thing is to leave in a punishing way.

Be cool to be safe.

[AskingWhy]

Frankee, I am distressed for you that this is happening, but almost all of us reach a point of crisis that is a turning point in the way we view our R/S.

It's emotional abuse or physical abuse, or both.  We are sick and tired of giving, giving all that understanding and empathy.

I know my love of my uBPD is slowly dying.  After twenty years of marriage, all the SET in the world won't work any more.  I have no more empathy for the rages, divorce threats, broken furniture and other things, and the bullying.

I wish you well, Frankee.  Be safe above all else.  

You may also wish to read the book by Billy Eddy called, "Splitting."  It's about divorcing a BPD or NPD.   People with these PDs can be very manipulative of attorneys and judges.  I have this book and it's full of advice.  Mr. Eddy also does phone consults if you don't live in his area.  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=47078.0

[AskingWhy]

This is the second time I have ended up leaving someone who's abused me.  I have serious problems if I keep allowing men in my life like that.  I didn't have a hard, abusive childhood.  No trauma.  Wonderful parents.  Yet somehow I have fallen into a relationship with abusive people.   I have cr@p standards for myself and relationship.  I am too caring and too understanding.  I want to be alone.  I want to finish my school, I want to take care of the boys, and try to find my happiness.

Frankee, I was in a marriage to a uBPD H who was enmeshed with his M.  It was really creepy when she was around him, and she saw me as a rival for his affections.  Very unhealthy.  In the end, he devalued me, discarded me and did not even look back.  I even got him into therapy.  

I did have a uBPD parent, and this also set me up for my current marriage to my uBPD H.

You are a nice person, Frankee.  And BPDs and NPDs are like magnets to us.  

Don't fault yourself, but rejoice in your new knowledge and move forward.   Take care of your children and pets, and find your own happiness.  

I thoroughly understand the point of no return.  I had a physical therapist (after one of my surgeries) who had a drug addiction issue.  He was often a bit buzzed when I saw him.  He was a good therapist, but one time he showed up for my appointment more buzzed than usual, and I could not condone that any longer.  He actually worked on me while chatting away, and I got really annoyed.  I stopped appointments with him and found another practitioner.  

There is often a straw that breaks the camel's back, or sometimes it's a ton of bricks.  

[I Am Redeemed]

Frankee, what you describe is about identical to my experience after my ex-husband assaulted me for the very last time. I was all out of sympathy, compassion, understanding--everything. I was just done. And I knew it was the end of the road for me.

He couldn't believe it. And like your husband, he was extremely apologetic and it was incomprehensible to him that I was done forgiving him and going back to things as usual. But that was it.

Yes, I heard those types of promises for years and as soon as I accepted his apologies, then it wasn't long before those behaviors occurred over and over. Rinse and repeat.

Same. Everything, same with me. It's so similar to your experience and Cat's experience that it is scary.

He dropped on his knees and begged me to stay, several, several times. I would cave and give him another chance. Weeks, maybe days later, he would be assaulting me again.

He always promised to change, and I scrutinized his behavior, analyzing every little shiny thing that even shimmered like a ray of hope that it was true. It never was.

After the last time I left, it occurred to me that if he really could change (as he promised for the 957th time that he would) why would he not have done it earlier? Why would he choose to keep hurting me, if he could "just do better". Of course he couldn't do it on his own, he needs serious help with all his issues (which include the drugs, the violent physical abuse, the mental and emotional abuse, the undiagnosed BPD traits, and the other undiagnosed mental health issues which include all the traits of paranoid personality disorder, among other things) but he would never get real help. He just promised he would change... knowing that the chance of it happening again was greater than it not happening. He didn't care. He didn't care about the risk to me.

I still care about him, I care about what happens to him. But I lost the illusion that he was really trying to do better. It was never more than smoke and mirrors. And I just got to where his bs made me sick, instead of pulling my heartstrings.

Redeemed

[AskingWhy]

I think I am getting to the point of no return with my uBPD H, too.  I really can't be concerned with any misfortunes he encounters.  This also means his family, his parents and his children.  They can be very sick, on drugs yet one more time, get fired from a job. suffer heartache, suffer from other circumstances, often from their own poor decisions.  I no longer get involved.  I disengage completely. 

Many in his FOO and children are in the BPD or NPD spectrum.  They rage and are cruel to others.  In the past, I have tried to be so nice to them, offered advice, bought them things, taken them out for meals, etc.  Each time the advice was ignored or even thrown back in my face, and the deeds I did were forgotten (splitting and dissociation.)  Now I no longer offer advice of any kind, even if it causes his family to suffer.   (This has happened recently on financial and health matters.)

Once I reach the turning point, I also know the feeling of not looking back.  Things are permanently changed.  A small turning point was in 2012 when my H raged and destroyed some of my property.  I made a mental note of it, and a part of my heart shut down to him.  Ditto for his children and FOO.  More and more of my heart is shutting down to H.

I am getting fed up and finding myself with no empathy left.  

[Frankee]

I gave him everything and this is where is got me.  I appreciate all the support and advice.  I can only do a short insert at the moment since I have school and work today.  My biggest question.

I live in a smaller community and the only shelter I can really stay at is the one I went to a year ago.  They shipped me half way across the country to protect me.  Now I am back where I was.  Probably going to end up needing their help again.  

How am I supposed to go back to this crisis center and tell then why I am back?  

I feel ashamed and like I let them down.  I feel like they will turn me away or criticize me for ending up in the same position.

[Ozzie101]

Hi Frankee

It is very common, even expected, for DV victims to go back to their abuser multiple times. I would be surprised if the shelter hasn't dealt with this many times before. With their training, I would think they would be compassionate and understanding.

[Cat Familiar]

I agree with Ozzie. It's to be expected that many DV victims will return to their abuser. After all, you once fell in love with him, you have a son that is his child too, and you had hope that he could see the error in his ways and change. In some situations, that's possible, but probably in many it isn't.

You had hope that he could be a better man. There's nothing for you to be ashamed about. He chose his path. You gave him another opportunity and though he made some improvements, he didn't respect you nor did he treat you kindly.

[I Am Redeemed]

Frankee,

I had to do the same thing. I live in a small city with only one dv services office as well. Twice I went to the shelter, and both times they moved me to the local women's shelter. This last time, I didn't need shelter but I did need help because I was still in contact with him and I was feeling so pressured by him. I tried to let him visit our son, and he used those visits to slowly amp up the pressure and manipulation to get me to come back.

I did not want to go to the dv office again and tell them that I went back... again...and nothing changed. But I found that they do see this happen a lot. They know the statistics for how many times a woman will return to her abuser.

I was glad that I swallowed my pride and called them. They supported me through going NC and got me into trauma focused therapy.

Redeemed

[Frankee]

I was wondering if I should tell them the truth, blur the truth, make up some story.  I don't want them going after the kids.  I don't want them to push me to get them and bring them to the shelter.  They have a place to live and a place to go at the end of the month.  I don't want them to pressure me into taking any action against him.  I just need a place to sleep so I won't be homeless. 

It scares me a little that I have reached a point where I am literally willing to let the boys stay with him until I can get on my two feet.  I know he won't hurt them.  I am scared he will hold then against me.  I don't feel in danger now, I don't feel they are in danger.  I am not scared of him, the only thing that worries me is that I will get sucked back into his promises to change.  His pleads to give him another chance.  His more helping and cleaning.  It shouldn't take him beating on me and then me saying I am leaving him for him to do all of this. 

He talked to me last night.  All I could do was lay there curled up.  I said things here and there.  I feel different than the last times I left.  The last two times I tried was out of fear.  Now, I feel empty.  No fear, no anger, no panic.  I don't want him to comfort me. I don't want to give him anything.  I am a little worried he might snap when he sees his attempts aren't going to work. I am staying neutral to stay safe.

I have a general idea on what I want to happen.  It breaks my heart to think about being without the boys.  It breaks my heart even more thinking of them going through anymore trauma.  I know he will take care of them.  I just hope I am strong enough to go through with it and not just say okay I will stay because it is easier.

[Notwendy]

Although under ordinary circumstance, he may not hurt the boys. However, I have heard that leaving is the most dangerous time as actually leaving him is triggering to him. You saw what he could do when you said something hurtful to him. Actually leaving him is even more of a trigger.

One of the reasons he hurts you when he is angry is that anger influences our judgement. Thankfully most of us don't react with violence but we can often say mean things when angry. Your H loses all judgement which is why he is a danger when he is angry.

Personally, I would be too concerned with the boys safety to leave them with an angry and likely out of control person. It may upset them to be at the shelter but they will be safe and you will know that. You don't know what your H may say or do in front of the boys or to them when he is angry. You've seen what he is capable of with you. Even if he doesn't hurt them, he could threaten to hurt them if he's angry at you. You'd feel you have to return to check and he could then hurt you.

[Perdita]

Frankee, as you know from prior counseling, leaving is the time of highest risk for for severe physical harm. I strongly encourage you to pick your words carefully when talking to him. The goal is to exit with the least amount of emotional injury. The worst thing is to leave in a punishing way.

Be cool to be safe.

I want to echo what Skip said.  I personally know a man whose first wife died mysteriously right after she left their emotionally abusive relationship.  She left with next to nothing, filed for divorce.  Then died violently and no one was ever charged.  The same with his second wife.  Although she didn't get so far.  She was in the process of leaving, getting her documents together, seeing lawyers, packing her things up.  She mysteriously ended up the exact same way as the first wife.  People, I kid you not about that.  Again, no one ever charged.

These things don't just happen in television movies.  I think it's sometimes easy to forget that it actually happens in real life.  Leaving is a dangerous time.  Be careful how you go about things.

[I Am Redeemed]

Frankee,

I agree with Notwendy. Your h is not emotionally stable, nor does he usually have the burden of caring for the kids. That has been left mainly up to you. Now all of a sudden he will have both kids full time without you there, knowing you have left him, and that is likely to be too much for him to handle without dysregulating in front of the kids.

I would also be concerned that he will, indeed, use them against you. Resentment, vindictiveness, manipulation, impulsivity- all these make for a volatile situation. If child services were to get involved, it would likely not reflect well that you left your children voluntarily with your abuser.

Plus, you likely provide most of the emotional security and stability for your kids. How do you think it will affect them to suddenly be separated from you?

Redeemed

[AskingWhy]

Frankee, I agree that those in women's programs dealing with DV know it's a cycle where victims return to the abuser several times before leaving.  Again, a cycle of abuse, apologies, then a honeymoon period, before the cycle begins again.

Don't worry about what they think. Right now you need to think about your safety, the children and the pets.   Please be safe.

I don't know if I recommended this on another thread, but please read Bill Eddy's book, "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder ," on divorcing a person with BPD or NPD.  You can buy it online or get a digital copy on Kindle.  Mr. Eddy is both a counselor and an attorney, and his book is excellent.  He knows pw PDs know how to turn off their dysregulating for judges and social workers, and gives a wealth of advice on other matters.  It's the best $12 you may ever spend.  

https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254

Also read, "The Gift of Fear," by Gavin de Becker on domestic violence.  Many women learn to ignore their instincts of fear and their own safety.  

https://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835?SubscriptionId=AKIAILSHYYTFIVPWUY6Q&tag=duckduckgo-ffsb-20&linkCode=xm2&camp=2025&creative=165953&creativeASIN=0440508835

[AskingWhy]

As an additional note, your panic attacks are your signals that you are in danger.  Please see, "The Gift of Fear," for more on this.   

[AskingWhy]

He promised to change.  He knew he was back sliding.  It was all the same conversations we had before.  He claims to not remember any of it.  I am not buying it.  

This statement about your H not remembering conversations may well be true.  

Big features of BPD are dissociating and splitting.   They literally cannot remember because of their way of operating in-the-moment.  Like a child who has a tantrum and is cooing over a toy 30 minutes later, they have no recollection of dysregulating.  They know only two states: contentment or rage.  

This does not, however, mean it is OK to dysregulate in any manner.  By no means at all. I am simply pointing out what is happening here.  My uBPD H does this as well. He has little recollection or sense of memory about many things, except when it comes to happy memories of his adult children.  (His children also dissociate.)  My H forgets the gifts he bought me and others.  He also forgets his children and their homelessness, drug arrests, selling property he bought for them, petty theft arrests, emotionally blackmailing him, and suicide attempts.  In his mind, they are split white.

https://pro.psychcentral.com/exhausted-woman/2017/02/an-interesting-mix-male-borderline-personality-disorder/

"They love a person, then they hate the same person. One minute they are saying the person is their whole world and the next they tear them to shreds. Because they are able to dissociate, they frequently don’t remember the hate part and often rewrite it to minimize what they said."

Stand your ground, dear Frankee.  Make your choices and enforce clear boundaries and be safe.  Male BPDs are often volatile and you need to protect yourself, your children and pets.

[Notwendy]

Please do not be embarrassed. They understand.

Our local DV shelter is in an unknown place, but they accept donations of items at a designated location. I donate there from time to time. I have asked about how their residents do- I have no idea who they are or where the shelter is- and they have said that some go back to their partners and sometimes return. The shelter staff understands the situation. You would not be the only one. I don't know the rules of your shelter, but please don't  be afraid to ask them for help and to be honest with them.

[Cat Familiar]

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