May have made things worse with my son

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi again.  My 25 year old son shoved me and I fell, He then broke the house phone.  I called 911 on cell, police didn't find him to be suicidal/ homicidal.  Fast forward to this week.  I have not been able to be comfortable in the house.  It's just me and him and 2 cats.  I packed up the cats and myself and drove to my brother's.  I left a quick note for the son.  He called the following day and I told him I needed space and took the cats because I wasn't sure what he'd do.  He was ok with that at first,  but then it went into a twisted thing ( like it always does). At 2 am in the morning he calls me and  He swears I have abandoned him, I will sell the house out from under him etc.  He wasn't making sense, then he was breaking dishes.  I told him I will call 911 if he doesn't stop.  He agreed to , then he hung up.  I called the non emergency police told them the story and they agreed to come out to check out the house. They go out, he doesn't answer and that is that.  He then calls back ranting I called the cops.  He needs me to come home at 2 am etc.  I told him it is not safe for me to come back alone.  Finally after 4 am I got enough sense to tell him I can't talk to him and he needs to call 911 if he doesn't trust me to do it.  He did not, but he stopped calling.

The plan is in a couple of  more days, I go back to the house with my brother and sister in law.  I will have in writing some boundaries he must respect to still live there.  One of them being no more physical violence and he must continue to go to therapy in order to stay with me.   The son is scheduled to go to his first therapy appointment tomorrow.  I checked on him via text today and he basically cursed me.. 

I did contact domestic violence and they were not of help.  They told me wrenching the phone out of my hand and breaking it is a felony and the next time I am to not say to the police that it's a mental health crisis but a crime being committed.  " That way they will arrest him, I can get a warrant for him to stay away  and he will get the help he needs in jail.."  I don't want to do this yet.  Maybe I will still have to.

He is spiraling and nothing is working at this time.  I am sick of this  to the point of vomiting at work. 
Thanks for listening.   

[Swimmy55]

Hi again.  My 25 year old son shoved me and I fell, He then broke the house phone.  I called 911 on cell, police didn't find him to be suicidal/ homicidal.  Fast forward to this week.  I have not been able to be comfortable in the house.  It's just me and him and 2 cats.  I packed up the cats and myself and drove to my brother's.  I left a quick note for the son.  He called the following day and I told him I needed space and took the cats because I wasn't sure what he'd do.  He was ok with that at first,  but then it went into a twisted thing ( like it always does). At 2 am in the morning he calls me and  He swears I have abandoned him, I will sell the house out from under him etc.  He wasn't making sense, then he was breaking dishes.  I told him I will call 911 if he doesn't stop.  He agreed to , then he hung up.  I called the non emergency police told them the story and they agreed to come out to check out the house. They go out, he doesn't answer and that is that.  He then calls back ranting I called the cops.  He needs me to come home at 2 am etc.  I told him it is not safe for me to come back alone.  Finally after 4 am I got enough sense to tell him I can't talk to him and he needs to call 911 if he doesn't trust me to do it.  He did not, but he stopped calling.

The plan is in a couple of  more days, I go back to the house with my brother and sister in law.  I will have in writing some boundaries he must respect to still live there.  One of them being no more physical violence and he must continue to go to therapy in order to stay with me.   The son is scheduled to go to his first therapy appointment tomorrow.  I checked on him via text today and he basically cursed me.. 

I did contact domestic violence and they were not of help.  They told me wrenching the phone out of my hand and breaking it is a felony and the next time I am to not say to the police that it's a mental health crisis but a crime being committed.  " That way they will arrest him, I can get a warrant for him to stay away  and he will get the help he needs in jail.."  I don't want to do this yet.  Maybe I will still have to.

He is spiraling and nothing is working at this time.  I am sick of this  to the point of vomiting at work. 
Thanks for listening.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[zachira]

I am sorry that things are spiraling out of control with your son. It sounds like you are conflicted on what to do. This is understandable considering that you love your son and want the best for him, yet your own safety is at stake. Making an emergency appointment with a therapist who has plenty of experience working with families challenged by family violence and personality disorders can be very helpful in deciding what to do. A competent therapist will help you to make the decisions that are best for you and your son, which are not necessarily in line with what others are telling you to do. Good therapy is about listening and helping the client decide what he or she wants to do, and is not about giving advice, contrary to what most people believe. Keep us posted on how you are doing, and let us know how we can help.

[Swimmy55]

Well, yep, I was right.  Bad news first- my son freaked out , got paranoid and tore up drywall, trashed living room, a couple of interior doors. Broken glass. Good news, he called the suicide hotline and  911 and the crisis team/ police came out and talked to him.  They saw the mess.  They didn't take him to hospital, but my son has a therapy appointment tomorrow. 

WIll keep you posted

[smallbluething]

That all sounds awful Swimmy - I think staying safe at your brother's place is a really good thing to do but worrying that your son is trashing the place must be very stressful.

I hope something good comes out of the therapy.

[Only Human]

Hi Swimmy 

I'm so sorry to hear of what you've been dealing with, it's no wonder you're vomiting at work

Are you back home?

~ OH

[Swimmy55]

Not yet.  I am waiting for my brother to come with me into the house. That will be tomorrow.  Meanwhile i have a therapy appt.  I have no other idea of what to do. Son is supposed to be going to therapy but isnt answering his phone. I don't feel safe to confront him alone at my house...

[FaithHopeLove]

I think you are doing the right thing, waiting for your brother to go with you to the house and setting up therapy for yourself.

[wendydarling]

Swimmy thinking of you, I too hope today goes ok for you. You are doing the right things building a strong support network for you is crucial, therapy, your family and friends, family here. Your son is not going to like it, it may however help him to a better place. I think you are amazing and wish for you better days as you deserve them 

WDx

[Turkish]

What he did was indeed a felony (blocking you to call for help), but I understand your feelings not wanting to go there at the time.  

I'm glad that you have your bother to help support you.  You aren't safe alone with your son at this time.  You deserve and need to be safe.

He's your child, but he has the power to hurt you and you deserve to be safe. 

[Music Ace]

Swimmy - were you able to get to your therapy appointment?  In all the chaos that you're dealing with, I hope that if you were able to go that you found it to give you some direction, a moment of peace and belief in you, or reaffirmation that you are totally entitled to get help for yourself (whether your son feels he needs it or not) to make sure you're doing ok.

I will agree with all those before who have said you are so wise to recognize that approaching, let alone confronting, your son alone, without your brother, would not be a good idea.

Hoping that you were able to get a bit of respite at your brother's place.

Ace

[Mirsa]

Hi Swimmy,

don't you think that once he is in the system, even if through the court system, he may have quicker access to services and better/more consistent services?  I almost wonder if you can use the system in this way.  Once he is arrested and removed from the home, you can attend court hearings and testify regarding his mental health history and need for greater support.  Perhaps he will get closer attention if it's court-mandated and then also be able to access a halfway house for some assisted living. 

I also think your own safety and the safety of your home are incredibly important.  Your son's needs are in no way more important than your own!  In fact, it might be time for you to put the oxygen mask on your face first, so that you are better positioned and prepared to help him as you are able. 

Can you talk to the domestic violence people again and see what they recommend for a situation like this?  They deal with this all the time.  My experience has been that during a crisis, once/week therapy is just not going to have an impact.  It seems to me that therapy is better as a long-term support and crisis intervention requires a different set of services.

thinking of you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[zachira]

I too am concerned about your safety and think it is no longer safe for you to live with your son. I am also worried that he may violently act out with you or another person and be sent to prison. You are doing everything you can to help your son, yet at some point he will likely have to face the legal consequences of his violent behavior. As his mother, it hurts you to your very core to see what he is doing yet for him to get better he has to care too and want to do what it takes to get better.

[Swimmy55]

Thank you all.  I was forced to get an emergency petition for psych eval from the court. In addition to tearing up house, he spray painted God sayings on the walls.   The sherriffs came out and got him.  Very painful to witness, but it had to be done.  He has been in the psych ward for about a week .
Meanwhile, my therapist recommended I get a protective order from the court ( I did) because he is obviously a danger to me .  He can't come back to the house .  

His hospital mental health team is supposed to do conference call  with me tomorrow.  It seems my son is working the " I was just drunk" angle and has agreed to 30 days rehab somewhere ( I'll know more tomorrow).  I'm not dismissing the drug/ alcohol he has been on and it's a start, even though there is so much more wrong with him .
He is 25 so I will probably not know his diagnosis, but it seems more is going on than BPD in my opinion.  

I am currently getting locks changed on my doors per my therapist's advice. the National Alliance of the Mentally Ill here in Maryland wasn't too helpful.  They did give me a broilerplate form to fill out for the psych team at the hospital( what was his last diagnosis, when was he hospitalized, the meds he was on, etc).  However, that was about it.
The police- I am not sure of what to make of them.  I called the first attack in ( when he shoved me and smashed my phone) as a mental health crisis, not criminal.  As a result, they talked to him, they did not determine he was a risk to me or himself and they left.    When my son called the crisis team and the police came out with them, they saw the busted out walls, ( no writings on the wall yet, that came later that night), and again determined he was ok since he told them he had a therapy appointment the following day ( this was last Tuesday).  
I hope me sharing my harrowing experience can help someone out here.  It is also important to watch out for your mental and physical well being .  

So he has no job ( because he can't keep one) and he may be going to rehab, but cannot reside back in my house.  Meanwhile, I am a mess, too.  However at least for today the danger to myself and him has been removed.

Right now I am as gutted as my house.  I am extremely sad and feeling a bit hopeless .  My motherly instincts want to be there with him,  but I can't this time.  
Thanks for listening.

[zachira]

I am admiring your courage in doing what is right for your son, and can not begin to imagine the pain and sorrow you feel having to do what it takes to get him an emergency psychiatric hospitalization and taking steps to keep yourself safe. I can not diagnose your son nor can anybody that has not done a professional evaluation. I am thinking that perhaps some form of psychosis is involved and he may not be able to take full responsibility for himself. I do believe with the serious symptoms he is demonstrating that you may be given full access to his diagnosis and treatment and the sooner you request full access probably the better the outcome for your son. People who are severely mentally ill, and it sounds like your son is, will depend on their family's support to determine the best outcome. You may want to get involved with NAMI which supports families with loved ones with severe mental illness. We are thinking of you and hoping for things to get better.

[Swimmy55]

So day I was on conference call with hospital and son . He is signing himself out to be released tomorrow. He is very belligerent towards me and shouted he hopes I die of a heart attack.  They had to cut him out of conference call.  He / docs won’t tell me his next plan of action other than he got in touch with an older cousin on his fathers side that wants to help him.  My sons father also got in touch with hospital.  Meanwhile I go to court to petition for longer protective order.  The hospital will call me Tomorrow about when the sheriff can accompany him to house to get his things and his car. NAMI (national alliance ofmentally I’ll) has not been too helpful (previous post), sadly.  I am just crushed . However there is  a bit of me that is relieved he is (a) moving out of my house(b) he has somewhere else to go. I think.