Hostage Negotiation

[Carl Jung]

Hi all,

I am young dad of an amazing 3 year old daughter with a volatile mother that I'd say ticks 7 out of the 9 BPD traits.

I feel like I have to develop hostage negotiation skills as my (soon ex-) wife is sometimes nasty to our daughter, yet she holds all the rights.

I am reading the SWOE workbook and 'never split the difference' at the moment and hope that I will be able to keep everything calm, while also building up my own career and looking after myself.

Talking to colleagues about my problems is a big no no and it's sometimes tough to keep all the suffering to myself.
So I hope I can use this forum to maybe vent off some anger, and most importantly to hopefully articulate my problems and facilitate solutions.

Thanks for reading this and all the best to everyone in this forum.

CJ

[kells76]

Hi Carl Jung, glad you found the site, and sorry about the situation that brings you here.

Sounds like you've had some insights about your soon-to-be-ex wife (stbxW) -- that she has a lot of BPD-type behaviors. Those are really hard people to deal with! I can relate to your image of being a "hostage negotiator" -- you've got to be the best, calmest communicator in the room, as your daughter's mom can't do that.

How far along in the divorce process are you? You mentioned that your stbxW "holds all the rights" -- want to tell us some more? A lot of us here have been through pretty grueling situations about the kids; we can help you see where you may actually have more advantages than you think.

My DH ("dear husband") has two girls; they were 3 and 5 when the divorce was final. There were many hard years but with the help of multiple good counselors things are a LOT better now.

It may be very hard at first but you can lean on us as hard as you need to -- nothing is "too crazy" to talk about. Please let us know how we can keep helping you and your daughter through!

Cheers;

kells76

[ForeverDad]

Of course you're not allowed to confide in anyone, how dare you seek support or information.  You're supposed to be isolated, isolation is a common PD control tactic.  (Well, her perception...)  The solution is to not divulge to her with whom you're seeking support, information or coping strategies.  Translation:  If she's anything like my ex was, do not submit to late-night interrogations and demands of "We'll fix this tonight, just as I demanded we fix it all those prior late-night interrogations, I mean, sessions."

You are allowed to your privacy and confidentiality.  That is especially true with attorneys, counselors and peer support such as here.  What can allow you to relax that boundary?  Basically, if she switches to listening and sharing, and not just for brief moments or days.  Right now it is demands and control ultimatums.  It is doubtful anything but intensive therapy over years will impact her current perceptions and behaviors.  Currently she's not listening to you, the emotional baggage of the past relationship issues is just too much to allow herself to truly get past them and truly listen to you.

If you had hope for the marriage to succeed then yes you would share everything.  However, that's not the case here, so weigh everything in the aspect of whether this helps parenting or not.  If you do take the divorce path, that's what it would come down to in ten words or less... not spouses but bare bones parents and parenting.

Another essential handbook, especially urgent to read before going down the legal path in court:
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder