Leaving a BPD Husband

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello. I am new to the group, and new to the world of BPD as a whole. My husband and I have had a difficult relationship for close to the 10 years we have been together. The beginning was great, but I knew right away that the way he fought/argued with me was...odd. His recollection of events/things I said was completely off of my own experience, he would call me names, etc. it was really strange. But the good things were really good, so I ignored what I probably shouldn’t have. Flash forward 7 years of marriage and two babies later and I am living with a sleeping monster. He would flat out deny things that happened between us (he threw a tube of toothpaste at my head in front of our 4 year old, and it left a giant goose-egg. The next week he was denying it happened, denying my daughter saw it...) I would try to do what he asked but the “rules” kept changing. I would do it wrong Bc one slight thing was off. I would change how I did it again but a new thing was still slightly off. And I was “stupid” for not figuring out the right way he wanted it done. My daughter fell off the bed and was seriously injured and I was an “abusive mother who neglects our children” because I was in the room when it happened, and I “should have” prevented it. After almost pulling the trigger on divorce in November 2018, my husband found an incredible new therapist for us and lobbied hard for me to go. I called off the divorce and agreed to go. We have gone weekly since then, but two weeks ago the therapist stopped my husband mid-rant and said he thinks he may be suffering from an agitated depression, and needs to seriously think about trying medication to help his state of mind. My husband lost his mind, accused me of “brainwashing and manipulating” this therapist into hating him and “thinking he’s crazy.” He even played a recording of a fight we had to try to “prove” I am the crazy one. He finally refused to continue therapy, so I have been going alone. At my last appointment our therapist told me that I needed to read “stop walking on eggshells,” because he believed it perfectly described my husband, and that when he listened to the recording, he was almost positive it applied to my husband. I read it in 48 hours and it changed my entire perspective. I now 100% believe my husband has BPD, and that it explains EVERYTHING about our relationship. Why he acts the way he does, says the things he says. I cried reading it because I realized I’m NOT insane, or stupid. It’s the disease. I have realized that I have no option but to separate. I guess what I’m asking is: what can I expect from this process? My kids are 4 and 2. I called my mom yesterday to confirm I can temporarily live with her. I am planning on talking to my husband tomorrow night after the kids are in bed and telling him I am leaving him. My hope is that he will agree to a temporary “nesting” custody plan, where the kids can stay in our house, and we will alternate who is here on a 2-2-3 day schedule. I’m concerned he won’t agree to this (purely out of spite) and will basically force me to file for divorce and get an emergency custody plan. Anyway, any insight into what I’m in for, the best way to break it to him, and how to keep the kids calm and peaceful and happy would be amazing. Or just to confirm I’m making the right choice. I’ve heard so much “im sorry, I swear I get it now, I’ll change,” and then immediately back to the same behavior. I’m a stay at home mom, and will have to get a job and basically start my life over, and I’m terrified, but I know being scared of the unknown isn’t a good reason to stay.

[MrsMom2019]

Hello. I am new to the group, and new to the world of BPD as a whole. My husband and I have had a difficult relationship for close to the 10 years we have been together. The beginning was great, but I knew right away that the way he fought/argued with me was...odd. His recollection of events/things I said was completely off of my own experience, he would call me names, etc. it was really strange. But the good things were really good, so I ignored what I probably shouldn’t have. Flash forward 7 years of marriage and two babies later and I am living with a sleeping monster. He would flat out deny things that happened between us (he threw a tube of toothpaste at my head in front of our 4 year old, and it left a giant goose-egg. The next week he was denying it happened, denying my daughter saw it...) I would try to do what he asked but the “rules” kept changing. I would do it wrong Bc one slight thing was off. I would change how I did it again but a new thing was still slightly off. And I was “stupid” for not figuring out the right way he wanted it done. My daughter fell off the bed and was seriously injured and I was an “abusive mother who neglects our children” because I was in the room when it happened, and I “should have” prevented it. After almost pulling the trigger on divorce in November 2018, my husband found an incredible new therapist for us and lobbied hard for me to go. I called off the divorce and agreed to go. We have gone weekly since then, but two weeks ago the therapist stopped my husband mid-rant and said he thinks he may be suffering from an agitated depression, and needs to seriously think about trying medication to help his state of mind. My husband lost his mind, accused me of “brainwashing and manipulating” this therapist into hating him and “thinking he’s crazy.” He even played a recording of a fight we had to try to “prove” I am the crazy one. He finally refused to continue therapy, so I have been going alone. At my last appointment our therapist told me that I needed to read “stop walking on eggshells,” because he believed it perfectly described my husband, and that when he listened to the recording, he was almost positive it applied to my husband. I read it in 48 hours and it changed my entire perspective. I now 100% believe my husband has BPD, and that it explains EVERYTHING about our relationship. Why he acts the way he does, says the things he says. I cried reading it because I realized I’m NOT insane, or stupid. It’s the disease. I have realized that I have no option but to separate. I guess what I’m asking is: what can I expect from this process? My kids are 4 and 2. I called my mom yesterday to confirm I can temporarily live with her. I am planning on talking to my husband tomorrow night after the kids are in bed and telling him I am leaving him. My hope is that he will agree to a temporary “nesting” custody plan, where the kids can stay in our house, and we will alternate who is here on a 2-2-3 day schedule. I’m concerned he won’t agree to this (purely out of spite) and will basically force me to file for divorce and get an emergency custody plan. Anyway, any insight into what I’m in for, the best way to break it to him, and how to keep the kids calm and peaceful and happy would be amazing. Or just to confirm I’m making the right choice. I’ve heard so much “im sorry, I swear I get it now, I’ll change,” and then immediately back to the same behavior. I’m a stay at home mom, and will have to get a job and basically start my life over, and I’m terrified, but I know being scared of the unknown isn’t a good reason to stay.

[MrsMom2019]

Also: in thinking about custody, I am positive a 50/50 split won’t be in my kids’ best interest. He regularly - as in going on 2 years now - goes to bed at 1am, sleeps until 9am (at least, often as late as 10), and around 4/5 days a week takes a 2+ hour nap. When I have left him with the kids overnight (if I have been out of town), he will call constantly and complain that he “can’t do this, I physically cannot watch them both,” put the tv on for them all day so he can “chill,” and often forgets to feed them (I care home from a few appointments after being gone from 4:15-7pm (bedtime for my youngest) and asked what they had for dinner, and was told “you didn’t tell me to feed them, so I didn’t.” (Aka it’s MY fault he “forgot” to feed his own children). I really feel me having primary custody is truly - TRULY - in their best interest. Anyone with experience in this, advice they can give me would be so helpful. He has claimed I am abusive (every accident the kids have had is somehow my neglectful fault), and I know he will go to war if I mention primary custody. Any advice here would be helpful too.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Mrs mom!  and welcome to BPD family!

Your experience sounds familiar to a lot of others here, including me.

Are you continuing to see your therapist? I think it would be very good to have that support as you go through this.

Also, you mentioned a physical incident involving your h throwing the toothpaste at your head. Have you considered talking to a domestic violence advocate in your area? That can also be very helpful as you move forward with separation.

You may want to consider posting your story on the family law board. The folks over there are knowledgeable, and some of them have really been through it with separation and custody issues.

I am glad you are here! I will check in with your updates to see how you're doing. You are not alone!

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[GaGrl]

Agree...Family Law Board is extremely resouceful! We've seen (and lived through) it all.

[I Am Redeemed]

Also, it's OK to be scared of starting your life over. I was. But I did it, and little by little, with supportive people, my counselor, and this wonderful community, I made my way as a newly single mom. You can do it, too. It's great that you have your mother for support and to help you with a place to live while you rebuild.

And you are absolutely right that fear of the unknown is not a good reason to stay in a bad situation. The unknown is scary, but if you recognize the pattern of his behavior repeating, you are probably correct in assuming that it will be more of the same if you stay.

The unknown can turn out to be so much better than the familiar.

I hope you will keep us posted.

Redeemed

[MrRight]

Hello MrsMom2019

I have read your post and sympathise.

You said you want to tell your husband you want to leave him and take the kids.

You also indicated he can get violent. (toothpaste tube thrower)

How do you think he will react when you give him this news? Do you have any fears for your physical safety?

[MrsMom2019]

No. That was a year ago, and he isn’t really violent (slams doors, etc, but that’s it). I told him two days ago that I want to separate and as suspected he didn’t take it well. He stormed out of the house, and when he came back several hours later he told me he would only agree to a separation if we fully split all of our assets first so he “doesn’t have to be tied to my financial irresponsibility anymore.” (Of course he has been the primary breadwinner and investor and is the source of our financial situation himself, but...) I told him if that’s the case I will file for divorce instead and force a custody plan through the court system, because splitting our finances quickly just can’t happen. I know he’s using it as an excuse to make me stay. The last 48 hours have been a combination of verbal abuse (he called me a “money-grubbing whore,” and a “c***”), following me around videotaping me claiming he’s going to “catch me in a lie,” but then later, after he found out it’s illegal to videotape me in my home without my permission, lying saying “I wasn’t videotaping you” (he was, I could see it clearly). I feel like I can’t leave my kids alone here, this is their home and I am their primary caretaker, i feel like he should leave, or at least I shouldn’t leave until I have a custody plan legally in place. I feel so stuck, and now I feel like I have to quickly wrap my mind around filing for divorce when I wasn’t ready for that right away. Feeling angry and stuck and held hostage and hopeless right now. Meeting with my lawyer today, and hopefully I’ll have more clarity, but I’ve been up since 4am stressing out about it.

[MrRight]

It sounds to me like you urgently need legal advice and I think a lawyer will also be someone to support you through this so glad you are seeing someone.

You should not have to move out of the family home though many women find this is the only way to escape from the kind of situation you are in.

If you were the breadwinner - things would be different - and he is clearly using this position to stop you from doing the right thing.

is the family home owned or rented?

His offer to split the money down the middle might be the best way forward. Is there some family you could stay with while the practical stuff is being sorted out?

[GaGrl]

The preparation and playing out of separation and divorce are difficultv-- add a personality disorder and it rackets up the difficulty level.

Your lawyer meeting will provide a great deal of info on options in your state.

Simply agreeing to a 50-50 split before getting temporary orders might be a problem. You are a SAHM, so you should get alimony or some other form of financial support in addition to child support until you are prepared to enter the workforce again.

[StillHopeful73]

Hi Mrs. Mom. Sorry to hear of what you have gone through. You are not alone, that's for sure.

Divorce is stressful in itself but with someone who has a BPD partner it will in all likelihood be chaos for awhile. The best advice I can give is get a good lawyer, one who has experience with high conflict ex's, if possible. Document absolutely everything as your husband's perception will likely be different from your own. I found when we split years ago my BPD ex told many lies but had nothing to back it up. He passionately seemed to believe these thoughts and would tell anyone who would listen. Too many years later I now realize it was just how his brain works. And I see even now how he will believe things to be a certain way or even not remember he said or did certain things. I wish I knew of this site back then.

It sounds like you aren't concerned about him being violent during your discussion, but given that he has thrown things before and can be quite verbally aggressive, just make sure that you are careful.

I can totally understand being frightened. When we split, my kids were 1 and 5. I was beyond terrified as I was at the end of my parental leave and had no money coming in for another few weeks. It was a really difficult time but you just make it through. Having a solid support system in place is key. It's fantastic that you can stay with your mom temporarily. And make sure to focus on self-care and doing things to help deal with the stress of it all. One thing I vividly remember is despite being scared to death when it ended, I also had an immense sense of relief that it was over.

[worriedStepmom]

You can do this.   It's not going to be easy, but you are taking action to protect yourself and your children, and that is very important.

Make sure that you are documenting everything in a journal that he doesn't have access to.  Document who takes care of the kids each day, how much time each of you actually spends with them, who takes them to what activity.  Document the nasty things he says to you - and whether or not he says them in front of the children.  Document any threats that he makes.  This will likely come in handy later when you are trying to prove there is a pattern of bad behavior.

Do you have a good understanding of the laws in your area?  What is the normal process for divorce (in my state, you file and wait a minimum of 30 days; in some states, you have to be separated for a year or more)?  What is the standard for child support, alimony, and custody?  What do you need to do to get him out of the house?  If you don't know the answers to these, see a lawyer ASAP so they can explain it to you.  Usually you can get a 1-hour consultation for free or a very reduced price.  A lawyer will also know how the local judges usually rule, and what kind of evidence you will need to get a custody agreement that reduces your H's time of possession.  They can also tell you what kinds of temporary orders you might be able to get - both for custody and money.

Once you have this information, you can start to develop a legal plan.

Do you have any ideas how your H will respond to legal filings?  My H's uBPDexW is scared to death of the courts and will capitulate to what he wants (after a period of making our lives as difficult as possible).  Other BPD sufferers go more towards scorched-earth tactics, with false accusations and more court filings.  Knowing his normal response to very stressful situations can also help you and your future lawyer develop your plan.

[MrsMom2019]

This has all been overwhelmingly helpful, mostly just to hear that others have gone through the same thing with small children. I am a stay at home mom, he is the primary breadwinner, and I feel he should be the one to leave, since the kids are used to this home, and used to me being here with them. He of course doesn’t see it that way.

I saw my lawyer on Tuesday and filed. It was sad but I felt immediate relief, like a huge weight has been lifted. He has t been served yet, but he knows I filed, and has been ok. I think he’s shocked I actually did it. He texted me some choice words but mostly stayed in his back office. Today is the “flip.” Today I’m getting all the texts that he’s so sorry, he’ll buy us a house, (we are renting and it’s been a big fight for a year now, that we need out  of the apartment with the kids and into a real house, and he’s refused Bc he wants to use our cash for business ventures) he just talked to a mortgage broker and we can get a loan for a big house, let’s call this off and buy a house together. It’s the typical flip that I knew was coming (it always does, last time it took me having divorce papers in my hand (but. Or signing yet) to reign it in and ageee to get help, this time I had to actually sign for the flip to happen. I’m trying to stay strong it’s so hard when he’s apologizing and promising to get help and it’s all his fault. It’s why I’ve called it off so many times before. I know now that it’s never “real,” it never lasts. I have to wait 8-12 weeks now for a court hearing to determine custody (and I am asking for primary, since he doesn’t get out of bed before 9, and forgets to feed them etc). Apparently until then it’s jist a standoff in the house, if no one leaves. I haven’t told anyone besides my mom and two friends, I’m so sad about the shame I feel over this failing, and the pity I know I’ll get. This is not what I thought my life would be like, this is not what I dreamed of for my kids. This sucks.

[ACF]

I'm hoping that this could possible make him get the help he needs. Even if he does and you still chose to get the divorce he has children.  He needs to get the help.  I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

[StillHopeful73]

It does suck MrsMom and it is scary and frustrating and sad. But I think the fact that you felt relief after filing speaks volumes. You deserve better and your children deserve better. You didn’t fail and in fact tried for a long time, even going to a counselor and he was the one who bailed in the end. You continuously took him back and he didn’t change and sadly in all likelihood he never will.

He may really mean it in the moment when he says he needs to change or it’s his fault but you know that will change in a flash if something triggers him. Then all of a sudden it will be all  your fault again. Hopefully he will get help especially for your children’s sake. I think you should be really proud of yourself for taking such a big step with all of the uncertainty involved. That takes a great deal of courage.

[Panda39]

There is a book you might want to checkout that can help in terms of strategies...

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
by Bill Eddy, Randi Kreger

[worriedStepmom]

I felt the same way you did - ashamed that I had failed at marriage and heartbroken that my children wouldn't have the one-happy-family ideal that I always wanted for them.

I had to grieve the loss of the family I wanted and of that particular dream for my kids.  In reality, I never had the family I wanted.  There were always problems, I just hadn't wanted to recognize them.

As for your "failure" - it sounds like you tried everything that you could to save your marriage.  Your husband is incapable of changing long-term because he is incapable of understanding the true problems.  This may be because of his mental illness, but it is still a fact.  You are not a failure.  You did not fail.  You fought valiantly for your marriage, for your family, but you could not win the battle on your own.

You will build a good life for yourself and your children.  It will be okay.

[I Am Redeemed]

I felt the same way, too. I tried so hard to get him to get help, so he could be better, our marriage could be better, so my children would have both parents together.

I felt like I failed because I couldn't pull off the impossible mission.

Look at it this way: you are succeeding in making healthy choices for yourself and your kids. You are saying to them that being their mother and making responsible choices for their well being is important. You are modeling strength and courage, and you are reducing the chances that they might end up in a similar situation one day.

I am still in the grieving process for the relationship I hoped that I could have. I had to radically accept the reality that I would not be able to have that marriage with him. It's sad, but it is getting easier. I wish things could be different, but he refuses to honestly look at his behavior and face the root causes. It's always someone or something else to blame, and he won't ever change that way, no matter how much he says he will.

It is not your fault that your husband is making the choice to stay in dysfunction. It is not your fault that he mistreats you. You can only choose how you respond to it, you can't control or change the choices he makes.

You really are doing a very brave thing.

Redeemed

[MrRight]

Hello MrsMom2019

I went through similar - if your BPD spouse wont get out of the family house - which happened to me with my wife - as I left with our child - she went soft - said she would change - was not prepared to get out of the house etc (which we owned). I had no decent accommodation to take him to and had no extra money. I ended up going back to her - her change did not last long - about a week. No doubt if you capitulate your husband will go back to his old ways just as mine did.

Somehow we got through the next 10 years and mine is now at university - like me - has survived. But I wish I could have found another way as his childhood and my life was pretty much a farce for those 10 years.

If your house is rented - what assets are there then to divide?

[livednlearned]

Divorcing someone who struggles with emotion regulation and all that goes with it can be heart wrenching and mind bending. I'm glad you found support here from people who understand what it's like. You may find this article helpful for thinking about the stages of divorce:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271676.msg12577883#msg12577883

Another resource that can be helpful is Why Does He Do That? Inside the Mind of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. Dealing with an abusive husband's tender cycle is addressed in the book and can help you understand what's happening and how to cope.

Also: in thinking about custody, I am positive a 50/50 split won’t be in my kids’ best interest. He regularly - as in going on 2 years now - goes to bed at 1am, sleeps until 9am (at least, often as late as 10), and around 4/5 days a week takes a 2+ hour nap.

Your husband is likely to fight for things he can't actually handle due to his issues. More likely your first struggle, however, will be his stonewalling and obstruction. One step at a time 

I recommend learning everything you can about BPD -- there are specific communication and relationship skills that can help de-escalate conflict and make the process going forward a little less bewildering. Also, the skills are helpful in raising emotionally resilient kids when one parent has BPD. They'll need those skills in making sense of their dad's confusing reality.

Have you told the kids yet about the divorce?

[ForeverDad]

Courts generally don't try to "fix" a problem parent.  Yes, they may order Anger Management classes in some cases, but they basically deal with parents as they are.  Our consensus is that we should do the same.  If we know what the courts will be inclined to do (or not do) then we can present better strategies and solutions to the court.

At first court is inclined to overlook the conflict and discord, expecting they're just the emotions of a separation which can fade over time when it's really an overall perception and behavioral disorder.

If your spouse gets better, great, that's a bonus.  But you've tried for years and still the issues remain.  You can't put all your eggs in that basket.