I have gone no contact with my sister

[nomodrama]

Hi, First post here, just last week came to accept that my older sister (62) is likely BPD. In therapy but only diagnosed with depression and anxiety.
I have gone no contact with her 4 days ago after two weeks of having stress-related illness' and consumed with conflicting feelings, sadness, anger guilt and grief.
Long story short, our 84 yo mother has dementia and was moved to memory care 9 months ago and on hospice care 7 months ago. They live 700 miles away, I have been there 7 times in 8 months to help with the move and empty mom's house. My brother is the Power of Attorney.
My sister threatened suicide to me over text 8 months ago in July after my mother upset her saying 'you only want my money'.
Sister two weeks prior broke my confidence by telling my brother I was seeing a psychiatrist and on drugs (which not true, I told her I was seeing a counselor and I have never been on medications). I heard her say it, she thought she had hung up the phone. When I called her on it "oh I thought you said that" which is her mantra for when caught in a lie "I thought he did, she said etc". A 3rd party caregiver company comes to hand-feed our mom her dinner every day and she called the office and rages at them for a no show, they said she was not allowed to call the office anymore. I made some suggestions to make a sign-in sheet. She then called me again at work to ask me to call to tell them to meet her at my mom's facility. I said no I was working. Two days later  after several text msgs to me about the company and how she is so angry, we should fire them etc, I texted her what I had already texted that "I don't care which company but think mom needs extra care at least one meal a day and please remember that I cannot receive calls at work M-F 8-5 and I do not want to text at all. There is too much miscommunication on text. Thank you and love" . She wrote "Ok I got your point I won't bother you". I called her the next day and said on VM I had talked to our brother about the care company and to call me if she wanted to talk, and she texted me back "neither one of you care about my opinion why should I care". I texted her "I called you twice" So then she called me and I listened to her cry and rage about how she doesn't have the POA and no one listens and "Why did you send me that text three time?" I did not know at this point she was BPD and no real clue how to reply back with anything other than facts. She proceeds to ask me why I did not call her when she said she had been thinking about taking pills? That happened 8 months. Back then after the text I called 3 of her 4 adult children one who lives with her and they informed me that the son was with her and same sh*t different day, they told her to turn her phone off, and just don't call or text her anymore to exacerbate it. OK so I did not call my sister. Now 8 months later I am being called out because I didn't call her then? She started seeing a psychiatrist and therapist soon after.We have had several conversions and I have seen her 4 times since. No questioning me since of why I did not call her. I feel so frustrated that I am being blamed for not doing the right thing at her suicide warning. I reminded her that two weeks prior I was in bed sick over what was happening to my family and the broken trust and lie she told about me to our brother. Six month ago ( 3 months after the suicide warning) she rages at me about mom having a bed sore and wanted me to convince our brother to move mom to a nursing home (which she does not need to be in). I told her then I was going to have to break-off communication if she sends me any more angry text and VM. Now she is mad that I do not convince our brother fire the care company without a back-up in place and raged at me again and throws the "not calling her when I was suicidal" in my face 8 months later. A few days later about our 1st cousin committed suicide. She confided over text that she "sees how selfish suicide is, that is why I am in therapy" So I called her I told her I am glad you see how selfish suicide is and that I was angry when she sent me that text 8 months ago. I said I am tried of arguing with her and hearing her rages and I cannot text anymore and she said ok then said she will call with any update about mom and I said no I can get it the updates from our brother. I cannot stand anymore sick days off work and making mistakes at work because of her calls and text. I didn't cause it, I cannot cure it, I cannot control it,  but how do I get over the guilt of blocking her phone #? I feel like she might die and I will have regrets for not trying to communicate with her now I know she likely has BPD.

[Harri]

Hi and

I am glad you found us.  As you read and get comfortable here, you will find that you are not alone.   Several of us are dealing with a sibling with BPD or BPD traits and come here for support and guidance. 
 

but how do I get over the guilt of blocking her phone #? I feel like she might die and I will have regrets for not trying to communicate with her now I know she likely has BPD.

Dealing with guilt is difficult but it can get better as you allow yourself to take care of you and recognize that you have a right to self-care..  Sometimes we try to hard to help and be supportive that it becomes damaging to us and we need a break.  No contact can be permanent or temporary.  As you get better at emotionally detaching from your sister and her behaviors and rather focus on you, it will be easier to establish and maintain boundaries with your sister (if you choose to have contact).  Regardless, emotional detachment and learning about the disorder and associated behaviors can help a great deal in coping and healing from all that has already passed.

I hope you keep posting and reaching out for help.  We get it here.

[nomodrama]

Thank you. I am really fortunate that I already sought therapy the last two years for my family issue so I have a therapist who is familiar with the situation. She was the one who suggested last week that it could be BPD and now the light bulb went off but my heart hurts.

[No-One]

nomodrama:
I'd like to join Harri in welcoming your!

I'm so sorry about what you are going through, with end-of-life care for your mom and dealing with your sister.  Interacting with siblings can become difficult, especially if BPD traits emerge.  An emotional situation like this can really bring out the worst in someone at a time when you would hope that you could support and comfort each other.

I had to interact with a sibling a couple of years ago, with end-of-life care for our parents.  Unfortunately, we shared POA, so I couldn't go No Contact, until  certain things were settled over the course of time.

I know how difficult it can be, as every little thing about care decisions and care facilities becomes a battle that just keeps going and going.  Unfortunately, bed sores are a common problem, no matter what type of facility a patient is obtaining care from (whether a hospital, a skilled nursing facility or a facility with a lesser level of care).

Sometimes people with BPD traits tend to spill all their emotions on one person in the family.  Is that the case with your sister and you, or has your brother had difficulty with  her as well?

You indicate she has 4 adult children.  Does she have a husband in the picture?

If your sister happens to threaten suicide again, someone should call for emergency assistance, so they can do a psych hold and evaluation on her.  Hopefully one of her adult children can take this action. 

It's good to have boundaries (that you set and enforce).  Got to have them for your own sanity.  You can adjust your level of contact and go back and forth from no contact to limited contact.

[nomodrama]

Her husband is very immature and teases her often and she said eveyone thinks she is crazy.
I said I never said you were crazy, well my daughter always asks me why I take pills?
That daughter told me she is addicted to SOMA which is a sleeping pill. The other daughter said her mom (my sister) is bipolar but my sister told me a few months ago her therapist said she was not bipolar. To my knowledge there is no days of mania.
Can I suggest to the more sensitive daughter that I am worried her mom might be a person with BPD without it coming off  the wrong way?
My only motive for this would be for the whole family to be able to heal and learn coping strategies and maybe my sister could get the right type of therapy. If I'm wrong could blow up in my face so I feel I should mind my own business, but my mother is involved so it is my business. My sister raged at the people who care for our mom.

[No-One]

Her husband is very immature and teases her often and she said eveyone thinks she is crazy. . . That daughter told me she is addicted to SOMA which is a sleeping pill.

Can I suggest to the more sensitive daughter that I am worried her mom might be a person with BPD without it coming off  the wrong way?
My only motive for this would be for the whole family to be able to heal and learn coping strategies and maybe my sister could get the right type of therapy. If I'm wrong could blow up in my face so I feel I should mind my own business, but my mother is involved so it is my business. My sister raged at the people who care for our mom.

Sounds like a lot going on in your sister's life.  I'd suggest NOT trying to tell others you think she is BPD. Best to suggest ways to deal with the symptoms.  There are no magic pills that cure BPD, just meds that can help with each individual's specific symptoms. Some people want a BPD diagnosis to help them get DBT type therapy via insurance.   You could suggest that DBT type therapy could teach her skills to manage her emotions (anxiety) better.

Ways to manage anxiety and her emotions should be high on the list of things she needs.  If her husband teases her often, and she lacks a sense of humor, she likely feels invalidated.

Validation of feelings (or minimally NOT invalidating) is an important skill.  You don't need to agree with a person's feelings to acknowledge them. If you go to the green band at the top of the page, you will see a "Tools" menu.  On the "Tools" list is a link to info. about NOT invalidating.  Her saying, "everyone thinks she is crazy" is perhaps a hint that she feels very invalidated.

Does you sister take any other meds along with Soma?  Does she have an issue with pain in some regard?  Soma can relax you, but I think it is more often used to relax muscles and deal with some forms of pain. 

[nomodrama]

Thank you I have a lot to learn, really taxing on me emotionally FOG very accurately describes it.
My sister has financial troubles and multiple medical issues that cause her pain. Shes on some sort of "chill pill" she said but I dont know what kind.
I wont say anything about BPD.
I'm now feeling guilty I cant help her.
I just texted the daughter I have not spoken to in
4 months asking if she has time to talk today, text was delivered but no reply yet, now I am wondering if they think I am the toxic one for telling my sister I dont want her to call and text me.
Here we go with me worried I alienated my niece now for something related to her incorrectly by my sister. I blocked my whole family on my Facebook at the beginning of the year . I feel they cant give me any empathy and I dont want to share my private life at all for fear something will be used against me and I was just sad to see their life without me in it. Am I toxic for trying to protect my sanity? Now I feel less sane re-reading this!
I guess I cant worry about what others may think but I want to do the right thing by my family maybe that mean no contact and trying to let it go.

[No-One]

nomodrama:
It's common for most people to feel overwhelmed after they read about BPD, try to make sense of things and try to learn some strategic communication skills.  Take it a step at a time.  It's okay to take a break from your sister, and take some time to learn some skills.  None of us are perfect.  Most normal people show some signs of a BPD trait or two to some degree during our lifetimes.

My sister has financial troubles and multiple medical issues that cause her pain. Shes on some sort of "chill pill" she said but I dont know what kind.

Interestingly, it can be common for women with BPD to get a diagnosis of fibromyalgia.  Many of us, as we age, have joint problems and arthritis.  Some people have addictive personalities, and can easily get addicted to "chill pills".  So you know she take Soma.  Thinking her "chill pill" is likely a benzo.  Those 2 pills can be a problem combination.

Hopefully, you sister is receiving some type of antidepressant, that helps to manage anxiety and depression. There should be no shame in taking this type of med. These types of meds can help a chemical imbalance and generally aren't addictive (but need to titrate on and off)

Soma, on the other hand, can be addictive, and so are benzos.  "Chill pill" meds  and pain meds are fine in moderation and as needed.   It's not good to use them every day and have a need for higher and higher doses.  Addictive people need to be cautious

I'm now feeling guilty I cant help her. I just texted the daughter I have not spoken to in 4 months, asking if she has time to talk today, text was delivered but no reply yet, now I am wondering if they think I am the toxic one for telling my sister I dont want her to call and text me.  Here we go with me worried I alienated my niece now for something related to her incorrectly by my sister.

It's a tough situation, to block one member of a family, but still interact with others.  It was something I wasn't able to do.  I didn't want to get in the middle between my sibling and their children, so I eventually went no contact with them as well. 

It could be helpful for you to read about drama triangles.  I believe that thread is currently at the link below:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

Drama triangles are something to be careful about. (i.e. getting a 3rd person in the middle of a situation between 2 people)

I blocked my whole family on my Facebook at the beginning of the year . I feel they cant give me any empathy and I dont want to share my private life at all for fear something will be used against me and I was just sad to see their life without me in it. Am I toxic for trying to protect my sanity? Now I feel less sane re-reading this!
I guess I cant worry about what others may think but I want to do the right thing by my family maybe that mean no contact and trying to let it go.

Social media and texting can be bad for people without impulse control.  Blocking on Facebook can be a very good thing.  Facebook is a source of conflict and drama, when someone in the mix has traits of a personality disorder. 

Don't beat yourself up.  Having boundaries is essential for our sanity.  Take some time read up on boundaries, drama triangles, and not invalidating (for starters).  Take it slow.  Examine some of your recent situations with your sister and use it as a learning opportunity and way to practice some of the communication skills and strategies you can find on this website.

All the communication skills and strategies discussed her are skills you can use in every day life (with family, work, church, neighbors, etc.).  Boundaries are yours.  They are personal, you enforce them and you can adjust them from time to time. 

Read up on boundaries & not invalidating/validation (check the "Tools" menu within the green band at the top of the page).  After reading about them, revisit the situation when your sister kept texting you at work.  Could you have  responded differently, while still enforcing a boundary, but not invalidating her.  Some people like to practice some skills in posts, perhaps you might want to try that.

[nomodrama]

Wow this is really valuable advice, thank you and I am so glad I found this online group and resources! I do tend to beat myself up over most things and it is something I need to work on outside this family situation. My husband (who luckily is a very emotional mature person, more mature then I am for sure! and also my counselor have warned me against triangulation. I won't do it anymore but the elder care issue is so highly emotional and we have to discuss things, and difference of opinions inevitably leads to he said /she said, add in boundary issues and other serious life problems. It is no wonder thing have not gotten worse sooner, and this has been going on 9 months and before that it was over a year of arguments about mom not driving and using a walker. Mom totaled her car and sister talked her into buying a new one that only she would drive mom around in as soon as mom goes in the home, sister thinks she deserves to HAVE the $24,000 car free of charge when mom was faced with $7000 a month assisted living cost. "Well I took mom to the grocery store and appts for a year" The pattern of manipulation has been prevalent but she is so poor and had such bad luck in life in general. I know my sister truly does have a sweet heart which makes all this behavior and her angry words hurt more. It is helping me writing all this out and telling people about it who may have been in similar situation before. Thank you kindly for replying

[No-One]

The elder care issue is so highly emotional and we have to discuss things, and difference of opinions inevitably leads to he said /she said, add in boundary issues and other serious life problems.

I suggest that you don't use texting to discuss care issues for your mom.  Perhaps you could talk to your brother about just using email for discussions in regard to your mom's care.  Instead of everyone doing a "reply to all", just send him a direct response (don't copy your sister).  Your brother then gets direct input from both you and your sister.  Then, since he has power of attorney, he can make the final decision and email his final decision to both you and your sister.  Don't sweat the small stuff and perhaps make peace with not trying to micromanage.  If you sister want to do that, let her engage directly with your brother and stay out of it.  If she complains to you, don't engage. 

In my situation, my sibling could start arguing with herself and get on her soap box, even when I didn't disagree on something.  Take yourself out of the drama.  Just let some of the little things go.  Pick the important battles to engage in (i.e. decide what hill you want to die on).

It is helping me writing all this out and telling people about it who may have been in similar situation before.

Writing thing out can be very therapeutic, whether here or in a private journal.  Many time just stepping back, reserving comment/action, and venting in some manner can help you take a calmer action or make a better decision.  One strategy is to only draft an email when you are emotional/angry,  then hold onto it for a day or two without sending it.  Usually, most people will be glad they didn't send the email.  They may edit it with a wiser mind, and then send it.

Take care of yourself!  We can't change anyone else, but we can make things better for our selves by setting and enforcing our personal boundaries and learning skills and techniques to manage how we interact and react to others.  When we do this consistently over time, we may eventually see some improvements with the difficult people in our lives.  Difficult people have to want to change.  We can't fix them without their help.

[nomodrama]

I am still working on guilt of going no contact with my sister who has BPD traits. I recently had to talk to her about something which I really didn't and I opened up the door to being emotionally dumped on again. It's a work in progress.
I am still working on forgiving her for projecting her pain onto to me and i am working on forgiving myself for not protecting myself sooner all in the name of "family" and the false notion that I have to show family unconditional love to her.

I sent a nice "I statements" only email to my brother and sister stating that I turned the text feature off my phone and 3 other ways they can contact me about our mom in the nursing home.
I would have saved myself grief if I did it sooner but "live and learn" and I'm looking at it as if it was in the plan and path I needed to go on.
I am struggling with my husband's comment to me yesterday after i said that I need to detach from my sister, he said " you may not be able to" because of my mom being in a nursing home. Well I said if my sister does go through another suicide attempt and I am involved in any way, through arguments, text convos, if she didn't like what I said etc,, then I will have to deal with it forever, it could ruin the years I have left, (I am 49 she is 62).
This is my new realisation, I feel a bit selfish for saying it, but she could ruin the rest of MY life with her mental illness.
I need to go no contact to eliminate that risk.
I'd rather be sad about the loss of a sister relationship (which was not that great in the first place) over lifetime of guilt over my involvement or perceived partial responsibility, guilt over shoulda, woulda, coulda if she goes through with another suicide attempt.
I don't have enough empathy for her to risk my happiness.
I am not estranging myself from her but distancing,
No more texting since I blocked her cell #, and any contact will be minimal.
I'm thinking the ext and last time I will see her will be at our mom's funeral. This is really how I feel today though I still wish for the ability to help her and be a friend. I need to let that go. She has zero empathy for me.
I will wait for a sincere apology.
I was happy she called me on my birthday last week. The bday card she  wrote and put into quotes for some reason"   p.s. "Sorry for all the yelling and fighting"   "
She has the capacity to see something is wrong but she still cannot or is unwilling to take ownership of the real issue, she tried to hurt me with words bringing up out of the blue her 8 month old resentment that I didnt call her after she texted me she had been thinking of taking pills. Texted me a day later after we found through Facebook our 1st cousin had killed himself, she texted me
"It was depression, sad, made me realise how selfish suicide is, that's why I am in therapy"
She owes me a sincere appology!
I know I will never get one.
How do I forgive emotional blackmail with a half-assed apology and not accepting her responsibility for starting the "yelling and fighting"?

I did call her after that text and her phone was off.
I called her daughter who said not to text her and that she told my sister to turn the phone off, her son was there gonna take her to the movies.
I don't ever want to be involved in any way with my sister's suicide threats.
I am still angry about it, I wasn't until recently she threw it in my face 8 months later that I didn't call her, I didn't do the right thing and she was still mad about it.

"That's why I'm in therapy" is her new mantra, her excuse that her illness makes it not her fault she was suicidal, screams her fool head off at me about stuff that is not my fault and that I have no control over. I want to forget and let go.
Do I have to forgive her cuz she is I'll and is seeking treatment? I need to forgive her for myself right?

[nomodrama]

Anyone have more wisdom for me today?
Am I selfish for thinking BPD traits sister should give me a better appology?
Im still not able to forgive her for her bringing up 8 months later about suicide that I didnt call her and she doesn't see she was putting me into a no win situation. Her daughter told me not to call her.that day last July.
I just need to distance myself and detach if I'm going to get better. Right?
I started ruminating on it again yesterday after she left me a voice message how she went to mom's church Easter service, had to call and let me know she video recorded it along with a message from mom's elderly friend and how she was on the way to visit mom and bring her Sees and chocolate cake.
I feel like she is just leaving that update to get credit or kudos for doing something nice. She hadn't seen mom yet to give me an actual update on how mom doing,  just before the visit on what SHE was doing. And for me to call her later tho her ringer was off cuz she was getting calls right and left from her difficult mother in law.
I didn't call her back. Two days ago sister ranted on Facebook about some  "so called Christians" mad that they told her friend he can't sleep in his car in the church parking lot.
I know about this since my husband is still FB friends with her.
I asked him not to tell me about her rants unless it was something totally deep-end.
 I feel embarrassed to be related to her, I don't want my husband to see her posts he said I dont have to be embarrassed with regards to him,but I am.
I think my ego is bruised that I have a sister I can't stand who says ___ you should not post on the internet, then goes the church to get credit for taking video for mom in the nursing home.
She literally makes me sick.
The way she says " that's why I'm in therapy" is said in a way or tone that sounds like "well DUH,'  she doesnt want her hear about her being "crazy" and her bad behavior because she is already in therapy.
No one has called her crazy that's her word and interpretation.
I have seen my therapist twice since this recent rage April 8, she agrees I have to go no contact cuz it will always be something, and I need to look long and hard how this had been a pattern and to keep practicing mindfulness. I have nothing else to complain about in my life aside from this sister with BPD traits and family issue of mom slowly dying in a nursing home.
It's hard to be mindful knowing my mom is wasting away in bed, 87lbs,  incontinent and unable to feed herself. I can do nothing for her except pray for someone up there to show her mercy.
It hard to cope with that alone yet with a raging, blaming sister.
Her screaming at me "why didnt you call me when I texted I wanted to take pills? remember we didn't talk for 3 months? You called my daughter instead!" It wont leave my thoughts.
I feel like I'm indignant about it for not  being able to let it go.  I cant wrap my mind around how she cant see how F'ed-up her behavior is then to apologize in my birthday card  p.s. "Sorry for all the yelling and fighting"

At least I got something but I still feel like F her.

[Harri]

Hi

Do I have to forgive her cuz she is I'll and is seeking treatment? I need to forgive her for myself right?

I don't think forgiveness is required and certainly not because she has an illness.  I think we tend to try to work towards forgiveness or even think about it a bit too early in the healing process.  Wounds are still raw, healing is not going to happen until memories and events have been processed and you begin to make choices that are better regarding your relationship with her (boundaries, communication strategies, learning about the disorder etc).   Forgiveness is a process and sometimes it is a choice we have to make daily but only when we are ready for it, not because of some societal expectation.

Am I selfish for thinking BPD traits sister should give me a better appology?

I don't think you are selfish but I do wonder if your expectation is realistic.  Even with her in therapy, it may never happen.  I have learned that one of the last things covered in therapy for pwBPD is the damage they have caused to others in their life.   It makes sense when I think about it as so many other behaviors are far more pressing to deal with (suicidal ideation, self-harm, reckless behaviors).   PwBPD do have empathy and lots of it but their ability to express it in healthy ways is damaged.  It takes a long time to learn that and it happens after they heal their own wounds (for the most part).

[nomodrama]

Thank you Harri.
I have more healing and processing to do for sure I will lower my expectations of feeling that she should apologize, deep down I think she knows and tried to apologize but she still thinks it was 2 sided argument.
I need to release my need to be right.
I really dont want to think about this anymore but I get daily reminders, yesterday was the Easter voicemail, today brother broke my boundary and texted me he needs me to call the financial rep to help him make a decision about an investment cuz he doesn't know enough about out the stock market and wants it to be a unanimous decision, I guess it's better than not being included but I want to live my life without constantly thinking about all this elder care business every day now going on 1 year May 9th.
Such is life I guess.

[Harri]

I will lower my expectations of feeling that she should apologize, deep down I think she knows and tried to apologize but she still thinks it was 2 sided argument.

Having appropriate expectations comes from learning about the disorder from reputable sources (we have them here.    Realistic expectations will do wonders in terms of getting a handle on the hurts and help put future behaviors and interactions into perspective. 

I think it is good that you are able to recognize that she tried to apologize in her own way.  pwBPD process thoughts and emotions differently than we do and they lack the executive function needed to be able to over ride their more emotional reactions.  Acceptance of these things will also help you to heal and limit the damage.   

today brother broke my boundary and texted me

Regarding your boundary:  yes, your brother failed to honor your request about texts.  It is better to place the responsibility for not just establishing the boundary ourself but also to impose the boundary.   Expecting others to change their behaviors to suit your boundary is not going to work very well.  It will work better if instead you say to yourself I will no longer accept these texts (or read them or respond or whatever you want). 

So you were fine telling your brother and sister you did not want to receive texts from them but they are not obligated to follow that request (It sure would be nice though!).   I am not sure it is really a boundary violation though.  Boundaries are for and about us and our behaviors/responses to keep us safe.

Does that make sense?

[No-One]

 

I am struggling with my husband's comment to me yesterday after i said that I need to detach from my sister, he said " you may not be able to" because of my mom being in a nursing home.

Your husband has a point, that it will be difficult to maintain total NC with your sister, at the current time.  Some people go back and forth between limited contact and NC.  Either way, you still can enforce your boundaries and limit the degree that you engage.  Boundaries are things you have control over.  You can tell people to not text you, but you can't control their texting, just your actions in regard to their testing.  You can block the receipt of their texts or have them received in such a way that you won't find them, unless you go hunting for them.

If you indicate you won't take texts, and a text gets through, you can choose the following:

• To NOT answer the text from your sister in any way (inc. email or phone call)
• Choose to answer a text or voicemail with an email.
• If you choose to answer, you can be brief and polite and only reply to issues you want to speak to.

I need to forgive her for myself right?   

I did some personal work on forgiveness.  My understanding is that you do forgive for your own sake, as it helps with letting go of the anger (which can really have a negative effect on you).  Forgiveness doesn't mean anything other than you forgive them in your heart.  It doesn't mean that you forget, or that you continue with a relationship with the person you forgive.

It does mean that you quit holding a grudge and ruminating over it.  Letting go can be very liberating, but holding a grudge and not letting go can keep you in a state of drained energy.

Forgiving can be a process, so is can be normal to have to revisit it from time to time.  Even though we thing we have worked through forgiving someone once, feelings can resurface and you may need to work through it again.
 

Am I selfish for thinking BPD traits sister should give me a better apology?   

I agree with Harri's comments.  You actually got a better apology than most.  A lot of people have the experience that the person with BPD just resumes contact, as if nothing happened.  Others, may just get an "I'm sorry".   You got, "I'm sorry for the yelling and fighting" - that's more than most get. 

Today brother broke my boundary and texted me he needs me to call the financial rep to help him make a decision about an investment cuz he doesn't know enough about out the stock market and wants it to be a unanimous decision, I guess it's better than not being included but I want to live my life without constantly thinking about all this elder care business every day now going on 1 year May 9th.

I'm sorry you are having a problem getting out of the elder care situations.  I know how draining it can be, as I went through it with both parents.

Your brother realizes he needs help regarding the stocks.  Sounds like he values your input.  One choice would be to have him pay for assistance from an accountant or financial adviser (and pay for from your mom's savings), if you choose to not get involved.

Being the POA for someone can be a lot of frustrating work and time intensive.  Sorting out more things now can minimize the time & efforts required to settle your mom's estate after she passes. 

I know about this since my husband is still FB friends with her.  I asked him not to tell me about her rants unless it was something totally deep-end.

  Can you convince your husband to NOT engage on FB?  Is he just reading or is he posting comments?  I'm wondering if you really want to have him advise you of "deep-end" antics on FB? It seems counter to your boundaries and best to let her daughters and other followers engage with rescue missions.

I think my ego is bruised that I have a sister I can't stand who says things you should not post on the internet, then goes the church to get credit for taking video for mom in the nursing home.

  Why are you letting it bother you if your sister gets credit for something?   Let your ego heal.  You can be the better person.  Let her pat herself on the back for the video, without being critical. (just stay silent on the matter & ignore).  You are making a choice, when you let it bother you.

You can choose to minimize the drama or engage in it. If you don't go to your sister's FB page, or anywhere else she posts, it will be easier to quit ruminating about it.

Perhaps you might want to discuss this situation in an upcoming therapy session.  Could your anger be getting the best of you right now, in regard to your sister?  She is who she is.  You can't change her, but you have the power to manage how you react and interact.

[nomodrama]

Harry and No-one, you are helping me enormously, thank you.
It's like online therapy
I see I am making a choice to let it bother me. I really needed to hear that. I am being anti-mindful
Regarding the boudaries, I think I get it now, I have to stick to them. I had unblocked my brothers cell in order for him to send me photos of jewelry he had in his safe that was in my mom's safe deposit box, he made a comment that my sister had taken some of her and her girls stuff and I wanted to see he still had what's been willed to me (grandmothers diamond wedding ring and opal necklace) he does but I didn't reblock his cell  so he texted again, so my fault. I asked in email to not text when I replied about calling the financial rep.
This is the other rub, there is potential inheritance involved so green- eyed monster has reared its ugly head several times over the course of this year. My brother has serious anger that my sister had gotten more than her share over the years, I have to hear about it. They continue to have texting fights. Last Sept his wife, my sister in law had a psychotic break and had to stay in the psychiatric hospital. Brother blames my sister for it. A week ago pwBPD sister was Avery brother closed mom's checking and removed the safe deposit stuff, she had access to that account and had borrowed money from it twice revently, when she found out, she texted my brother nasty gram about his "crazy wife" He told her you are the one who's in therapy and suicidal you are the crazy one.  Sister screamed at me that I broke her confidence to our brother about her suicidevattempt, This was day before the bday makeup call.  I told her that you don't get to threaten suicide and expect to keep it secret, it's a family issue now. She agreed and I asked her if we could put this whole suicide issue to rest and she agreed. I also asked my brother to not say the words crazy or suicide again and he said "she said it first" and vented some more, I listened to him with compassion. This is some sad soap opera over here.
I asked my husband not to tell me anything he sees in facebook. He was not interacting with my sister at all just relayed about the Christian rant. His mom was Christian when she was alive and Dad still is so he took a little offense. It was not an appropriate thing to rant about on Facebook and knowing all we know about her. That's where I was coming from when I said my sister embarrasses me. 
Also, why I felt she was trying to get some credit pat herself on the back for recording mom's church service. She wasn't being altruistic by reporting it back to me before visiting our mom to give me a real report about mom. And coming off the tail-end of ranting about Christians on Facebook.

I will make a choice today to not hold this grudge and not ruminate about it. The gall she has baffles me. I will not acknowledge the church report, I still have not called back, her cell is blocked so no texts, my husband won't relay any FB posts to me.

We left off in an ok place so now off for some real NC!I
And lots of learning and healing work for me.
BTW I am almost 8 years sober. There is a lot of 4th step inventory work I need to do on this giant post to let go of resentments 

Thank you all!