My mom suffers from BPD...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi...
I came across this site a while ago, but was scared to register so I put it off until tonight. Me and my moms lease is up and well I needed her to sign the lease and also wanted to know if she had paid the bills, I think it’s important to note we were at the tail end of a pointless argument when this got brought up. She started to say that she wanted to physically punch me (not the first time, on a side note she’s threaten to punch me before because I didn’t know what I wanted to eat and I couldn’t make my mind up, I have the audio recorded and still have it on my phone...anyways) I told her that, it’s not going to help the situation and she then said that “I could destroy you mentally, with what I could say, physical is the least harmful thing I could do”. She then stormed off when I told her that this is really ridiculous that this is all because of a lease and bills that need to be signed and paid. She said she wouldn’t take my abuse and stormed off, which I found ironic considering she had just threatened to cause me physical harm and then after mental. She also said earlier that she hoped my bf would last because if he didn’t I wouldn’t have anyone. I told her that she doesn’t really have anyone though, and she said “yes I do, I have people abroad”, mind you some people she’s met online through mutuals or people she use to be close friends with but hasn’t really seen in years. Anyways I feel like this post is a bit all over the place, and I may regret posting this, but here goes nothing.

[Childofabpdmom98]

Hi...
I came across this site a while ago, but was scared to register so I put it off until tonight. Me and my moms lease is up and well I needed her to sign the lease and also wanted to know if she had paid the bills, I think it’s important to note we were at the tail end of a pointless argument when this got brought up. She started to say that she wanted to physically punch me (not the first time, on a side note she’s threaten to punch me before because I didn’t know what I wanted to eat and I couldn’t make my mind up, I have the audio recorded and still have it on my phone...anyways) I told her that, it’s not going to help the situation and she then said that “I could destroy you mentally, with what I could say, physical is the least harmful thing I could do”. She then stormed off when I told her that this is really ridiculous that this is all because of a lease and bills that need to be signed and paid. She said she wouldn’t take my abuse and stormed off, which I found ironic considering she had just threatened to cause me physical harm and then after mental. She also said earlier that she hoped my bf would last because if he didn’t I wouldn’t have anyone. I told her that she doesn’t really have anyone though, and she said “yes I do, I have people abroad”, mind you some people she’s met online through mutuals or people she use to be close friends with but hasn’t really seen in years. Anyways I feel like this post is a bit all over the place, and I may regret posting this, but here goes nothing.

[Harri]

Hi.  I am glad you reached out to us as many of us here get it.  It is very confusing, maddening, and sometimes scary to be in a relationship with someone who is not self-aware and who threatens us. 

Has your mom ever actually hit you?  It is bad enough that she threatens to along with threatening mental harm as well, I am just trying to get a better idea of the situation. 

Is there no way you can sign the lease yourself?  What sort of options do you have in terms of living situation?

I hope you come back and share more.  Your post was perfectly coherent so no worries there. 

[Drsmash]

Thanks for this. I posted my first post too. I wish we didn’t have to endure this but reading your mother’s words I can hear my own mom. It makes me feel like it’s not me, that I don’t make this up in my head, that the abuse is real.

[Childofabpdmom98]

Hello again,
@Harri, my mother has physically thrown things at me and gripped me excessively hard before, as well as grabbed me by the neck, but it’s been a couple years, now she just threatens, I think it doesn’t happen because I try to avoid, and I walk away or attempt to or I just stop talking in hopes to end the disagreement. I’m a full time college student, taking over a full load of classes so living with her until I graduate in a year is for the time being my only option. There’s a guilt that I feel of possibly leaving her behind though, I feel a need to take care of her because she’s my mom, but I think it’s important to note she’s only doing half of what she should be doing for her BPD. She’s currently only taking medication, and hasn’t had actual therapy in years. She’s made little attempt and getting another one, she’s also not consistent with taking her meds. @Drsmash yeah, it’s nice having a place like this to read others stories to see the similarities, to not feel alone but truly supported and understood.
I’ve been successful with avoiding arguments until today when I came home from school, I went into her room to check on her (she isolates  herself in there a lot) she started telling me about this guy she use to talk to adding her back on a specific social media, she said that she had seen a post and thought he had changed from his old self. Only to then state that she had seen another post and saw that he didn’t. I asked why initially she had thought he had changed and then didn’t only based on two posts. She became angry and said that I needed to stop interjecting and let her finish, I stated that I was only asking for clarification and she started yelling. I told her that I would prefer if she didn’t yell at me while we talked to which she just yelled and said she wasn’t yelling at me. She became more irritated, so I stayed quite then she brought  up the fact that the guy had a racist post too, to which she responded to, I asked her why she felt it necessary (she didn’t let me finish) I was going to ask why she felt it necessary to comment when she could have just removed him. She got mad at me for not being offended by the post, I told her that there were much bigger issues then his bigoted post. She didn’t like that she said she was done talking. I said okay, as I was walking out. I remembered that I needed to ask her about the phone bill, because my phone earlier only worked when connected to my schools WiFi. (I don’t know a whole lot about phone plans and how it exactly works if you don’t pay) Anyways she got up stormed at me and forcefully pushed me out yelling that I was making her want to beat the ___ out me. She said I was more abusive than my dad (who although not clinically diagnosed, based on everything I’ve learnt in psychology could be classified as a psychopath, he’s a completely different mess to unpack though.). She mumbled while I walked out, I asked her what she said, she didn’t want to clarify, so I decided to turn back to this webpage and vent. Still feel like my thoughts are scattered. But I definitely feel as though writing this all out helps me cope a bit.

[Harri]

I’m a full time college student, taking over a full load of classes so living with her until I graduate in a year is for the time being my only option.

Thanks for explaining the living situation.  I am glad to hear the violence is in the past however I do think it would be a good idea to have a safety plan just in case.  We have one here you can use to plan in case your mom should escalate and revert to physical violence.  Having a plan laid out will make things easier for you.

In the meantime, avoidance can certainly help while living with her.  You have do to what you can to be safe but also within reason.   We do have communication tools that can help a great deal in terms of preventing an escalation and also setting boundaries for your own protection.  Are you familiar at all with boundaries? 

We have several communication tools that can help.  The two I am thinking of for you are Don't JADE and Don't Be Invalidating.  I can link them here so you can read them and see what you think.  Both can help in terms of not making things worse.  With Don't validate, I would not recommend trying to validate her when she is dysregulated but  you can certainly benefit by not unintentionally invalidating her.   Sometimes that is as simple as not saying anything.  Trying to have a conversation with someone who is so upset rarely goes any where good.

Don't JADE means don't justify, argue, defend or explain.  Often times when we do those things, we end up invalidating the person with
BPD and that can really amp things up.  In addition we give the appearance that we have something to feel guilty about.   On top of that, it is just demeaning to us.

Read the articles and then lets talk about them.

In the meantime hang in there.  I know you are busy so please, if you have to choose, go with the safety first link first.