I don't know what to say when my son threatens suicide

[gypsyg]

My adult son, who is in a serious relationship and has a one year old, bought a gun yesterday.   He sent a photo of it to his partner, saying "Found a way to calm down.  Sorry for getting ur life and ____ing up everything"   Luckily, she located him and called the police.   He's in a good hospital now.   This is not the first time.
Past hospitalizations have been very traumatic for him.  He talked to his partner from the hospital yesterday and ended up angry and hung up on her.   She is not taking his calls now.  He has been calling me from the hospital.  
In the past, my husband and i have immediately rushed to his side.   We don't think that's helpful and aren't going to do that.    I want to take his calls, but I'm not sure how to talk to him.   He's in despair - doesn't think he'll see his daughter, thinks we are better off without him, wants us to get him out, thinks he will be in and out of hospitals forever...also, mostly wants me to talk to his partner and wants to know what she says, why she won't answer, etc..
So far, Im trying to just listen and telling him we love him and we don't want to lose him.   Any other ideas from anyone who has been where I am?
Thank you

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Gypsyg
I am glad to meet you and sorry for the circumstances. My son also has a gun and often says he wants to kill himself. I think he mostly wants the pain to stop. I am glad that your son is in a good hospital now. Hopefully he will get some help there. The good news is things really CAN get better. You have come to the right place for reliable information, help, and support. I think you are wise for not getting into a three way conversation with your son and his SO. Just listening and assuring him of your love is so important (and far less likely to backfire) Again. WELCOME

[gypsyg]

Thank you.  I really appreciate your kind words.  He’s not doing well in the hospital.  It’s so hard.   I’m glad I found this place. 

[Only Human]

Hello and Welcome, gypsyg

I'm glad you found this place too; as Faith says: You have come to the right place for reliable information, help and support. We are glad you are here.

Im trying to just listen and telling him we love him and we don't want to lose him.

This is definitely what I would advise and I would also recommend some validation of his feelings. Validating his feelings doesn't mean you agree with what he's saying, just that his feelings are valid. I hear a lot of fear in his statements, most people would be fearful in his current situation, and you can validate that feeling.

I don't know if you've had a chance to look around the site but we have lots of great articles and tools we are all learning together so that we can better relate to our children. Validation is a big one and was a totally foreign concept to me when I landed here last year. This article really helped me to understand the concept and to put it into use:

Communication Skills - Don't be Invalidating

Here's an excerpt:

Validating someone's thoughts, feelings, or beliefs does not necessarily mean we agree, overall, with what they are thinking, or feeling, or with their behavior.

So, the first thing to learn in validating others is to be able to identify something to validate in a "sea" of conflict that is both valid and important to the other person.

How are you holding up through this, gypsyg?

~ OH

[Mirsa]

Welcome,

I'm in a different stage in my journey, but I truly remember the darkness and anxiety of those days.  I'm so glad he is in a hospital and will get some help.   Is there a way that he would be willing to relinquish the gun, or has it been taken from him by the local police department? 

My BPD DD's suicide threats were mostly tantrums when she wasn't getting her way, was dysregulated, calls for attention, etc.  We learned to focus on those behaviors.   I did hospitalize her when I thought the threats took a more serious turn however.  Ultimately, I learned to detach with love, and that is where I am with her now.  I love her, worry about her, but I have also learned that this is my life I've been given, and even an adult child should not be allowed to highjack my happiness.   Thus, I decided a couple of years ago that if I lost her to mental illness, I would grieve her, always be sad, and then find a way to be happy again, just like any parent who loses a child.  That perspective really helped me to detach from the suicide threats, hospital stays, and constant anxiety that dealing with someone in emotional crisis entails.  I probably arrived at this understanding with the help of my therapist, friends, etc. and hope you have a good support network during this difficult time.

Hugs