SOS - My adult daughter says everything's my fault

[graceabounds8591]

I have an adult child with BPD.  She reminds me everything is all my fault.
There are times when I feel like there is no way of winning.  There is nobody else to support but me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi graceabounds!

I'm so sorry you had to find us but I'm glad you did and that you reached out for support.

You'll find many other parents here who will be nodding their heads at what you've shared; you are not alone.

Having a child with BPD can be all-consuming and you say you are her only support? You must be exhausted. Are you able to spend time doing things you enjoy?

I want you to know there is hope for a better life - for you, for your relationship with your daughter. We are all here learning together and supporting each other.

When you are comfortable doing so, please share more of what's happening, it helps us to get a broader picture so we know how to best advise you. We want to help.

Again, Welcome to the family!

~ OH

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi GraceAbounds
I am happy to meet you and sorry for what brings you here. You have definitely come to the right place. We all know the BPD blame game. It is hard being the target of all that unfair criticism. They don't do it to be mean. They do it because their own emotional pain becomes unbearable and lashing out at others is a defense mechanism. You can't change your daughter but you can change yourself in ways that will help your relationship by participating in this group and learning the communication tools that are taught here. What exactly does your daughter say to you when she is being critical?

[livednlearned]

I have an adult child with BPD.  

Does she live with you?

How do your interactions go, typically?

Maybe we can walk with you and see which of the specific relationship and communications skills might be effective.

 

LnL

[graceabounds8591]

Thank you to all who replied.
No she does not live with me presently, but in the past 10 years she has lived with me "off and on" especially after college.
  I believe the onset of this began after Hurricane Katrina, that is when I noticed a difference in her emotions.  I didn't realize how much she was affected by that catastrophic storm.  She had to call her roommate and asked to be pick up which is where she remained for the duration of the storm.  Eventually she finished college at a different school and came home.  She built her social life and was very active when it came to excercising.  Then she started obsessing about her life not being where she wanted it to be.  She would go through crying spells.  Even though she had a therapist she was seeing on a regular basis.  I couldn't understand why.  She kept re-playing that in her mind.  I even purchased Dr. Leaf materials and books for her to read and myself.  It did not help much.  She wasn't even age 30 yet. 

[MomSA]

Hi Graceabounds  

I am sorry you have to face the blame. We have too for many years been the "reason" for everything that has made our 20yr old daughter unhappy.

I learnt something yesterday in some reading I am doing and if I may I would like to share it here. I have blamed myself for years for the way my husband (uBPD) and daughter (BPD) respond to me. I have also blamed my husband for the way she is. So I've blamed myself for being a bad mom and bad wife for a long time DESPITE what the truth is,  because their reactions are so severe towards me. This has caused a long cycle of blame-guilt-shame in my life.

I realised I was taking responsibility for my daughter and husbands mental health. That if I could speak kinder, do more, bend more, give more...they would then be fine. But it's not true. I do not have any control over either of their mental health or decisions.

Then I happened onto this term they use in DBT for people with BPD called Radical Acceptance. It means that I need to slow.it.down. when I start feeling emotional and blamed and I need to accept my strengths and weaknesses in my relationships with my husband and daughter  and how I can or can't help them with their mental health concerns.

Radical Acceptance means I look at the facts of what they are saying about me and really consider if there is any truth in them. If not, I simply discard it as well as the guilt, and stop fighting their mindsets - which I cannot change - and I see their choices are their choices and their struggles are not my responsibility to fix.

Accepting the blame does not help or fix anything, it only increases my suffering.

I do hope my light bulb moment will help you today.

[livednlearned]

I realised I was taking responsibility for my daughter and husbands mental health. That if I could speak kinder, do more, bend more, give more...they would then be fine. But it's not true. I do not have any control over either of their mental health or decisions.

Thanks for this, MomSA. This was really helpful for me to read today