A glimpse of normalcy?

[Zabava]

I'm starting to realize that many people live a full emotional life and trust and connect with others easily.  I always thought I was defective and too introverted to be part of the easy flow of friendship that others seemed to have.  Recently it's been getting easier the more open I am with others and the more I see the world as a benevolent place.

It makes me realize how profoundly my childhood has constricted my emotional life.  Liberating and very heartbreaking at the same time.  Can anyone relate to that feeling of being on the outside looking in?

[Harri]

Yes, very much so.  I grew up believing and being told I was different, less than (my moms definition of 'special") and I thought those things just weren't in the cards for me.   It was my normal for the longest time... until maybe 2 years ago and I finally got it. 

I was sad before I realized the damage of that particular message but once I realized it was a lie and a delusion of my mother's that I bought into... well, cue rage, anger, sadness and a sense of profound loss.

[Zabava]

Thanks Harri.  Yes it is a profound loss.  It is like a veil was lifted and I see how all those times my mother mocked me for caring for others and told me friends were just using me robbed me of so much.  It's hard to absorb that all these years I could have trusted and connected with the world.  I am scared I will mess up the new connections I've made, but I know that's the inner critic talking.  So shut up inner critic!

[Libra]

It makes me realize how profoundly my childhood has constricted my emotional life.  Liberating and very heartbreaking at the same time.  Can anyone relate to that feeling of being on the outside looking in?

Yes, yes, and yes.
I was literally on the outside looking in during my childhood, and I carried that with me for the longest time (I still feel that way sometimes). Step by step, I am building a social circle, learning along the way that others also have their shortcomings and imperfections, and learning how to interact with others based on my own values instead of how they might expect me to be.

It is sad to realize what we missed. It is beautiful to be able to look out onto the world and the people around you with open eyes, unafraid.

Welcome to the wide world, Zabava! 

[Zabava]

Thanks Libra   

It helps to know that I'm no the only one.  I am starting to build friendships based on being my authentic self and trusting that other people are kind. For me this is a profound shift.  It raises some of my deepest fears of not being good enough, but I'm trying to block out my mother's voice and enjoy connecting with others.

It's great that you are building a social circle.  I hope to do the same.  It makes me sad and mad that it's such a struggle for me.  But you're right, it is good to see the world wide awake, even if it hurts.