Partner Took No Responsibility For Break Up, Just Blamed

[reeef1992]

My exBPD partner has pretty much blamed me for our break ups (like a lot of romantic relationship with someone with BPD, we broke up several times).

Before the first break up, we had been living together, at this point in time they didn't have a diagnosis of BPD, but of Bipolar Disorder. Before the break up, they had spent the previous 2 weeks, not really talking to me, being distant and cold, and regularly taking little shots at me (we hadn't been having sex as I was having some bladder issues for a few months at this point, so they'd regularly say horrible things like "your scared of vaginas" ect, instead of actually understanding that I'm unwell.)

One night they dropped the bomb on me that they wanted to end our relationship (this is the second time they'd address this concern to me, the previous was about a year or so before this). They stated they wanted to date other people, and name dropped a certain person we had spent some time with a couple weeks earlier, that they'd rather be dating.

I moved out, went back to my parents (they don't live in the city I live in, so it was a big move), I then continued to move out slowly over the next few weeks, I was deeply hurt, mainly because of their reasoning to end the relationship, we had been together for about 3 years at that point.

After about 6 months a part, and a mental breakdown later, I had finally got my own place, and started to feel comfortable with my new life, started dating other people. My ex partner happened to want to meet up, but I kept saying that I was busy (I actually was, seeing other people). They ended up showing up at a gig that some friends and I were at, and ending up giving me a ride home. I knew something was up, and then they said it as I was leaving the car. "I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you ect".

I ended up folding and wanted to give it another shot, they took a lot of responsibility for their lack of communication and their new understanding of their mental health (while we weren't together for six months they were diagnosed with BPD). This showed me that they had grown, and are willing to take responsibility for their actions.

After being back together for about a month, they kept on trying to pry into my life in the 6 months we were a part (trying to find out if I had slept with anyone, which I had). I personally didn't want to talk about it, as I didn't  want to know who they'd been with, and if it turned out to be the guy they named dropped in our break up, I'd have a break down... Surprise surprise, after they were able to get out of me who I had slept with while we weren't together (someone they had never met at this point), I simple said "Did you sleep with X" they replied hesitantly "yes, a couple times". I broke down and any little amount of trust that I had for them was gone.

It turns out they started sleeping together about 2/3 weeks after they dumped me. At first they seemed to understand my feelings, but kept on trying to place the blame onto me "We hadn't had sex in so long. You didn't want to do it". Zero mention of my bladder problems, and the fact they were ignoring me for several weeks.

It took me a long time to forgive them, as I felt like they had dumped me to sleep with this guy, and once that fell a part, they wanted me back. They've never really addressed this assertion or even validated my distress and feelings, they kept looking at it as If i was angry that they had slept with someone, when really I was upset by being kicked out of my house and dumped by the love of my life to sleep with a casually racist, sexist guy.

They just would never acknowledge these feelings, and would basically spin it in a way that "you're just such a jealous person". We ended running into this person a few months down the track, and I ended up leaving the venue we had run into this guy at and went home.

My exBPD partner then dumped me again, placing all hardships and hard moments in our relationship as completely my issue and my fault. That it's my jalousie that destroyed our relationship, not the break of trust by them repeatedly.

I should also note, during the period of us back together, I read a lot about BPD, communication, relationships advice, repairing relationships and I kept of pushing us to go to counseling. They didn't do any reading what-so-ever and kept canceling our appointments.
I also later found out from a friend, that my exBPD partner had been telling them, that I was in fact the one who kept cancelling appointments and didn't want to get counseling, even though I had said I wouldn't start our relationship again unless we went.

I just wish they'd take some responsibility for the break up of our relationship, but I don't think they ever will.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi reeef1992, I'm so sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, this is not uncommon for these relationships. Not that it makes it any easier for you, but you'll find many people here with the same ending as you, with the entire fault for the break-up at their feet and no closure. It's hard to live with and make sense of. 

A lot of our ex-partners also refused to go to therapy/counselling.

How long were you together?
Have you been in contact since the last break-up?

We understand, we're here to listen and support you.

[OutOfEgypt]

Hi reeef1992,

Sorry you're going through this.  It definitely sounds similar to my experience.  For me it was a cycle of about every 1-2 years (over the span of a 13 year marriage), and like you, it was all my fault.  Even when she cheated on me and came back, which was most of the times (likely more than I know), she came back with a half-hearted sorry - like she knows she did wrong, but it was really my fault.  To rebuild trust, we did things like have her share her passwords and Facebook activity, but that was half-hearted, too, and quickly became something she mocked and hated me for, as though I was holding it over her head.

To this day, I know my ex feels like I wronged her and spins a warped version of our long story to her revolving supply of followers... which is regularly dwindling with the exception of a few hard-code disciples.  A lot of things could have been different, especially for our kids, if she would even start taking responsibility now.

Anyway, glad you're here.  You'll find lots of good support and read of many eerily similar experiences . 

[JNChell]

Hi, reeef. You’re in good hands here. I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with this, but many of us here understand what you’re experiencing. It just plain hurts. It’s confusing. We’ve been through similar experiences. Try to be patient. The more that you interact here and the more you learn, the easier it will become. The knowledge helps with time. We hope you stick around.

[totheflow]

Hi Reeef1992,

Hope you are doing alright and taking care of yourself.

In my experience it's fairly common for a pwBPD to deny responsibility and only place blame. My ex sure did. She blamed the entire break up (any any problem in the relationship)  on me, much as you and many others on this site have experienced. Just like you, I got blamed many times for being jealous. Towards the end of my relationship, one of the reasons she wanted to break up was so she could "learn how to take criticism better". Implying that I criticize her.

Anyways, what I'm getting at is that I don't believe it's in a pwBPD's nature to accept any responsibility unless they decide to seek treatment. Keep taking care of yourself !

[reeef1992]

Hi reeef1992, I'm so sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, this is not uncommon for these relationships. Not that it makes it any easier for you, but you'll find many people here with the same ending as you, with the entire fault for the break-up at their feet and no closure. It's hard to live with and make sense of. 

A lot of our ex-partners also refused to go to therapy/counselling.

How long were you together?
Have you been in contact since the last break-up?

We understand, we're here to listen and support you.

Thank you for your kind words.

We were together for about 3/4 years, (we broke up about a year ago for 6 months, then got back together, and now have broken up again, about two months ago).

We actually play music together, so we've been interacting through that, but otherwise I keep my distance.

[incognitoMe]

I just wish they'd take some responsibility for the break up of our relationship, but I don't think they ever will.

They won't.  I'm in a similar situation and I'm working on accepting that she will never be able to take responsibility.  She may even apologize, but it would be meaningless.  My went back and forth between apologizing for breaking up with me and berating me and trying to make sure I knew how happy she was she left, and how vile a person I am.

I'm hoping to focus on celebrating freedom, and detachment from that dumpster fire of a person.

[reeef1992]

My exBPD partner has pretty much blamed me for our break ups (like a lot of romantic relationship with someone with BPD, we broke up several times).

Before the first break up, we had been living together, at this point in time they didn't have a diagnosis of BPD, but of Bipolar Disorder. Before the break up, they had spent the previous 2 weeks, not really talking to me, being distant and cold, and regularly taking little shots at me (we hadn't been having sex as I was having some bladder issues for a few months at this point, so they'd regularly say horrible things like "your scared of vaginas" ect, instead of actually understanding that I'm unwell.)

They had also been suicidal for months, I felt I was in a carer position. It was very stressful and anxious time, it's a period of time they very rarely addresses how it's affected those around them (family, friends).

One night they dropped the bomb on me that they wanted to end our relationship (this is the second time they'd address this concern to me, the previous was about a year or so before this). They stated they wanted to date other people, and name dropped a certain person we had spent some time with a couple weeks earlier, that they'd rather be dating.

I moved out, went back to my parents (they don't live in the city I live in, so it was a big move), I then continued to move out slowly over the next few weeks, I was deeply hurt, mainly because of their reasoning to end the relationship, we had been together for about 3 years at that point.

After about 6 months a part, and a mental breakdown later, I had finally got my own place, and started to feel comfortable with my new life, started dating other people. My ex partner happened to want to meet up, but I kept saying that I was busy (I actually was, seeing other people). They ended up showing up at a gig that some friends and I were at, and ending up giving me a ride home. I knew something was up, and then they said it as I was leaving the car. "I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you ect".

I ended up folding and wanted to give it another shot, they took a lot of responsibility for their lack of communication and their new understanding of their mental health (while we weren't together for six months they were diagnosed with BPD). This showed me that they had grown, and are willing to take responsibility for their actions.

After being back together for about a month, they kept on trying to pry into my life in the 6 months we were a part (trying to find out if I had slept with anyone, which I had). I personally didn't want to talk about it, as I didn't  want to know who they'd been with, and if it turned out to be the guy they named dropped in our break up, I'd have a break down... Surprise surprise, after they were able to get out of me who I had slept with while we weren't together (someone they had never met at this point), I simple said "Did you sleep with X" they replied hesitantly "yes, a couple times". I broke down and any little amount of trust that I had for them was gone.

It turns out they started sleeping together about 2/3 weeks after they dumped me. At first they seemed to understand my feelings, but kept on trying to place the blame onto me "We hadn't had sex in so long. You didn't want to do it". Zero mention of my bladder problems, and the fact they were ignoring me for several weeks.

It took me a long time to forgive them, as I felt like they had dumped me to sleep with this guy, and once that fell a part, they wanted me back. They've never really addressed this assertion or even validated my distress and feelings, they kept looking at it as If i was angry that they had slept with someone, when really I was upset by being kicked out of my house and dumped by the love of my life to sleep with a casually racist, sexist guy.

They just would never acknowledge these feelings, and would basically spin it in a way that "you're just such a jealous person". We ended running into this person a few months down the track, and I ended up leaving the venue we had run into this guy at and went home.

My exBPD partner then dumped me again, placing all hardships and hard moments in our relationship as completely my issue and my fault. That it's my jalousie that destroyed our relationship, not the break of trust by them repeatedly.

I should also note, during the period of us back together, I read a lot about BPD, communication, relationships advice, repairing relationships and I kept of pushing us to go to counseling. They didn't do any reading what-so-ever and kept canceling our appointments.
I also later found out from a friend, that my exBPD partner had been telling them, that I was in fact the one who kept cancelling appointments and didn't want to get counseling, even though I had said I wouldn't start our relationship again unless we went.

I just wish they'd take some responsibility for the break up of our relationship, but I don't think they ever will.