First post /situation / observations...thoughts?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This is my first post. I currently have a domestic violence restraining order for myself and the kiddos against my husband of 14 years. His father is a narcissus bpd and after we lost a baby several years ago, I feel it was a gradual transition into the man I fear today. I need to know if anyone else has experienced what I'm going through. He's trying to play the victim and takes no responsibility for his role in our divorce. He hasn't seen the kids in (soon to be) 3 months. Not because I haven't spent my savings making sure he can but because he's a liar and a procrastinator who is venomous about anything to do with me and our former life. I keep wanting to believe he's my old reasonable partner but everything I read tells me to protect myself and the kids. Am I lying to myself? I already spent 10,000 and I'm not through the first real hearing (because he constantly isn't happy with anything that is proposed. Nothing is good enough- do you think he has that part planned?) there are days I'm so sad and lonely and find myself romanticizing the past 20 years together but I know that's not who he is anymore and I know he will never be that person again. Many of the people my age are having similar situations with their husband. Is it possible that mid life crisis and drugs (mainly Marajuana)/alcohol use have contributed to this "phenomena" that seems to be happening here in southern California? Is anyone else feeling like this is super common?

[Icurnmomof2]

This is my first post. I currently have a domestic violence restraining order for myself and the kiddos against my husband of 14 years. His father is a narcissus bpd and after we lost a baby several years ago, I feel it was a gradual transition into the man I fear today. I need to know if anyone else has experienced what I'm going through. He's trying to play the victim and takes no responsibility for his role in our divorce. He hasn't seen the kids in (soon to be) 3 months. Not because I haven't spent my savings making sure he can but because he's a liar and a procrastinator who is venomous about anything to do with me and our former life. I keep wanting to believe he's my old reasonable partner but everything I read tells me to protect myself and the kids. Am I lying to myself? I already spent 10,000 and I'm not through the first real hearing (because he constantly isn't happy with anything that is proposed. Nothing is good enough- do you think he has that part planned?) there are days I'm so sad and lonely and find myself romanticizing the past 20 years together but I know that's not who he is anymore and I know he will never be that person again. Many of the people my age are having similar situations with their husband. Is it possible that mid life crisis and drugs (mainly Marajuana)/alcohol use have contributed to this "phenomena" that seems to be happening here in southern California? Is anyone else feeling like this is super common?

[40days_in_desert]

Hi Icurnmomof2 and welcome to bpdfamily.com! I'm sorry to hear what you're going through and what brought you here and also glad that you found us. Many here have experienced what you're facing or similar and you came to a safe place to share and seek support.

Yes it is common for a person with BPD (pwBPD) to play the victim and therefore resist taking responsibility for their own contribution to the issues in a relationship. You might see brief periods of them seeming to admit some fault that but it never lasts. The next day they can literally turn 180 degrees from that position and blame the other person in the relationship. It is also common for the divorce process to last longer and cost more than the average divorce where both people work at least somewhat towards a common goal. My divorce lasted three years and cost me over 20k.
There is no way of knowing if your husband has planned the procrastination or delaying in your divorce. Many pwBPD have a sense of entitlement and aren't happy with their soon to be ex's offer. 
It's also common to look back and think of the good times that you once had and searching for answers as to what happened. That means that you have the ability to see the good and the bad. For pwBPD it is hard to do that. It's either "all good" or "all bad" at any given time. Towards the end of the relationship the "all bad" periods are longer and more frequent and that can leave you with a "what happened?" question constantly running through your heart and mind.

What led you to take out a restraining order? Was there physical violence or threats of physical violence?
Do you feel confident that your lawyer is handling your case to your satisfaction? In other words do you think that he/she is experienced in handling high conflict personalities (your husband)?
As far as alcohol and drug use, it is more common that not with pwBPD. I suggest sharing your thoughts on alcohol and drug use with your lawyer and see what they say.
Again, I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. Keep posting...there are many people here that can help and can suggest resources to help you heal because they're going through the same or already have.

[GaGrl]

Welcome! Yes, many members on this board have been through similar circumstances and can help and supportvyou.

What is the next step in your divorce that needs to be accomplished in order to keep things moving?

[Baglady]

Hi LCurnmomof2,

Just wanted to send you some virtual support  .  

I'm a little over a year out from my divorce from my ex-uBPDh of two decades. Three months prior to the divorce, out of nowhere, he went on a 3 week psychotic break involving almost 24 hour raging at me, splitting me black, false accusations of abuse, rewriting history to suit himself, outright falsehoods and lies about our relationship etc.  His insane and terrifying raging eventually culminated in an act of degrading domestic violence toward me.  There was no coming back from that incident and he divorced me very shortly after because all he was interested in at that point was "weed and women".  Prior to his mental breakdown, we had some issues (in hindsight I wrote off a lot of his BPD behaviors as likely due to ADHD or his creative side) but I never really had an opportunity/need to use any of the tools on this board.  I was very codependent and confused by his behaviors prior to the breakdown but he was very high functioning overall.

My ex almost never used weed until it was legalized in our state.  He worked during the day from home while I worked out of the home and now I believe his weed use increased significantly during this year prior to his breakdown - unbeknownst to me.  I firmly believe his psychotic break was in some part due to a very sudden drastic increase in his weed usage or maybe some particularly toxic strain (ironically he was traveling to LA during this time period - coincidence?) He was absolutely chain-smoking the stuff and the house reeked during his 3 week rampage.  He seemed to get more and more amped from weed which is contrary to my understanding of the effects.  It seemed to make him more and more manic. From all accounts, he is completely addicted to the stuff now, he uses it in conjunction with alcohol and has also now dabbled in MMDR and magic mushrooms.  His actions were so out of character at the time of his rampage that naively, I wondered if he had a brain tumor!  My marriage counselor finally recognized that he likely has BPD or NPD or both.  I had never really heard much about either but once I researched both - lightbulbs went off.  Everything, everything about his slightly off but overall somewhat tolerable behavior during our marriage finally made sense.

It's been a tough road since the divorce.  Like you I feel like he is a completely different person - a stranger.  I remember the good times but his abuse of me has completely killed any love and respect I ever had for him.  I feel cold and completely creeped out by him now if I'm being honest.  He was so duplicitous and manipulative and his smear campaign really did a number on me.  I'm not sure if I ever will truly get over the harm he has caused me.  

Right now, I focus on one-step at a time and my teen son who I'm so anxious to protect from his father.  My biggest fear is that my son will develop this disorder also and/or his father will introduce him to weed/drugs.  It's been so hard and makes me sad to think that many other families are going through this nightmare also.

Love to you,
Warmly,
B

[MeandThee29]

Yes it is common for a person with BPD (pwBPD) to play the victim and therefore resist taking responsibility for their own contribution to the issues in a relationship. You might see brief periods of them seeming to admit some fault that but it never lasts. The next day they can literally turn 180 degrees from that position and blame the other person in the relationship.

It is also common for the divorce process to last longer and cost more than the average divorce where both people work at least somewhat towards a common goal. My divorce lasted three years and cost me over 20k.There is no way of knowing if your husband has planned the procrastination or delaying in your divorce. Many pwBPD have a sense of entitlement and aren't happy with their soon to be ex's offer. 

It's also common to look back and think of the good times that you once had and searching for answers as to what happened. That means that you have the ability to see the good and the bad. For pwBPD it is hard to do that. It's either "all good" or "all bad" at any given time. Towards the end of the relationship the "all bad" periods are longer and more frequent and that can leave you with a "what happened?" question constantly running through your heart and mind.

I regrouped this a little to solidify my own thinking, but very, very good thoughts. I have several friends in somewhat similar situations too. Being a little older, mine would fall into the "gray divorce" category, but it's still hard to understand.

A key for me is to be solid in my own beliefs and thoughts and leave it there. The thinking is so very different than mine, and I don't spend much time of late trying to understand it.

And you have to do the same with your legal situation. You are in control of your side, and that's it. You have to let go of the timeline and expect some storms. Negotiation where each side gives up something can be difficult. Know what you want and communicate that to your attorney. And step back.

I know it's hard to get to that point, but it's the path towards survival.

[ForeverDad]

As a mother with children who have had little time with their father since the separation, you have a strong likelihood of getting a temp order where you have custody and majority time.  It would be his task to demonstrate you've been blocking him or that his behaviors don't block him from more access to the children.

The obstructions, conflict and ever-changing moods do tend to enable more delays in court.  Your task is to keep the lawyers focused and on track and moving the case along, little you can do about him.  If you lawyer says, "They want more time to come up with an offer or a response" then reply "don't postpone the hearings, they can make offers while we prepare for the next hearing."

Make sure the court knows you're the reasonable, practical parent, the one with solutions and not just complaints.  Often we here in peer support can anticipate a court's outcome.  Try to gain that perspective as you and your lawyer ponder how to present your case.  One member here (david) had a list of a dozen items he wanted in the order, each one to resolve an ongoing issue.  His then-stbEx didn't have any alternatives except for complaints.  The judge added all but one item into the order.