What she said yesterday

[MiddleSis]

Hello,
I’m new to the site and new to writing anonymously. But I have to see if it helps.

About six months ago,  my therapist introduced me to what BPD is and we use the terms of the disorder to help me process my mom’s behaviors towards me and pretty much all her loved ones. I’ve spent a LOT of time with her lately because she has had a surgery that didn’t go as well as we’d hoped. The result of all this time is a lot of built up stress, emotion, and sadness.

Yesterday, we were driving back to her assisted living home and talking and she asked me why I never spoke to my sister about her weight. My sister is overweight, and of course my mother has huge fat bias and has spent most of her life hating herself because of her own weight. I told my mom I never spoke to my sister about her weight because it was none of my business and I knew it would not help her. I said, “the only thing that will help my sister deal with any of her issues, including her weight, if that is even an issue, is to be loved really, really well.”  Mom answered, “well sometimes she’s really difficult to love.” This was the moment we arrived, thank God. I parked the car and pulled out the key and looked at her. “Not for me,” I answered.

That is just the most recent episode of “What She Said Today.” There was more, but that’s the hardest one. I’m realizing how agonizing our lives have been growing up with a mom who believes these things. I think I had it easiest, which my siblings always said but I have always denied. It’s not easy for mom to love us. You have to give her exactly what she wants to get love, and even that is inadequate. My siblings have spent more time losing than winning. I called myself MiddleSis here for them, because as I come to think of these things and realize that most of what I thought about my life is wrong, I can feel hopeful if I include them in my path forward. I am 48 years old. My brother is about to turn 50. My sister is 44. This has been going on for a half-century. We can’t change our mom. I can change me, but I spend most of my days having no clue how to do it.

Thanks for reading.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Middlesis, and

I'm sorry that your relationship with your mother is causing you and your siblings such pain. But I am glad that you found our community, and I think that you will see that you are not alone.

There are many great articles and resources on this site that can help you. I think you have come to a place of acceptance that you cannot change your mother, but you can change how you respond to her. A lot of us here are learning to do that, myself included.

Has your therapist suggested any resources for you? A couple of books that are highly recommended here are "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "Understanding the Borderline Mother". I have read SWOE and have been listening to the audio version of the Borderline Mother; haven't gotten all the way through it yet. I have found it pertinent so far, though.

I hope you will settle in, read and respond to other's posts, and browse through the resources when you have a chance. As I said, you are not alone here, and we can come alongside you and help support you in your relationship with your mother. We get it here.

How are your relationships with your siblings? Have you shared with them the likelihood that your mother has BPD?

Again, welcome to the community. We're glad you're here.

Redeemed

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Middlesis-

I’d like to join Redeemed in welcoming you to our community.

I’ve not much to add except what you’ve written is beautiful. 

I believe if you were to tell your younger sister “I want you to know this; you have always been easy for me to love.”  Those words would likely fill her heart... and be deeply cathartic.

The closer you and your siblings can become through understanding your pasts, the more comfort you’ll find in one another.  It’s vital not to blame one another for what’s transpired here.  You were ALL children...

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[MiddleSis]

Dear Gemsforeyes and Redeemed,
Thank you for your responses. My therapist recommended Understanding the Borderline Mother book, which I also have been listening to on audio. I got stuck on the borderline Queen chapter (that’s my mom) and listened to it about six times and then took a break. I came back to it because I was spending a lot of time with her in the hospital and getting more and more depressed.

Gemsfoeyes, what you said about my siblings was helpful. Nothing is what I thought it was. My memories are filtered through my mom’s condition. Who my siblings are isn’t something I really know. My sister and I understand each other best, but I have to completely rethink my brother. I think he as the oldest got it worst. I think he’ll be receptive to understanding our mom more thoroughly but right now he has a lot of bitterness and (probably) pain and mostly just stays away. The most perceptive thing you said was try not to blame each other. We have always blamed each other! But that is over, at least for me. Looking at them both with profound compassion changes everything. I can’t blame mom either, though. Blaming doesn’t help. But still I’m not sure, most of the time, how to keep my heart clear.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear MiddleSis-

I understand how difficult and sad this is for you.  Sometimes we wish we could accelerate to a year from now where we and those we are meant to be closest to have arrived at that “aha” moment.  Where everything we endured as children becomes clear and all is boxed up neatly and forgiven.  Sadly, this process is not that simple.  However with one person gaining the knowledge (you), the healing process finally CAN begin for all three of you.  Notice my codependent middle child traits at all?

Do either your brother or sister have any knowledge about what you’ve learned through therapy and reading about your mom’s BPD traits?   You can offer information and resources to your brother and sister, and hopefully this will move them to heal as well. 

And you are correct, blaming doesn’t help at all.  It’s destructive and chances are you’ve lived through enough of that.  As you come to accept certain things, known here as “Radical Acceptance”, your heart will begin to clear here and there.  The things we can and cannot change.

Finally... I’m not sure whether you journal or not.  But it’s a good way to spill your “secrets” and pain and process feelings.  Perhaps start with “Things She Said Today”.  Those words may have been uttered years ago, but may be as relevant now as they were when she said them.  Some words are so painful they haunt us until we face them.

So MiddleSis, please keep posting.  This is a safe place for you, for all you need and want to say.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes