retroactive jealousy, jealous of past lovers, sexual past

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Has anyone here seen or experienced jealousy of resentment from there partner surrounding your previous partners etc.

[Lucky0133]

Has anyone here seen or experienced jealousy of resentment from there partner surrounding your previous partners etc.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Lucky, and

Yes, I experienced this in my relationship. It was to the point where one of my exes got a job where I worked and my h badgered me for months to get me to quit my job because he couldn't stand it, even though I didn't even talk to this ex (he was an ex for a reason, but anyway).

I think it stems from a very deep-rooted insecurity.

Can you tell us a little more about your relationship? Are you currently still with this person?

Glad to have you here!

[formflier]

Has anyone here seen or experienced jealousy of resentment from there partner surrounding your previous partners etc.

Oh yes...and "imaginary partners" as well.  Have you experienced accusations regarding people that you have no relationship at all with? 

I'm sorry you are having a hard time with jealous and resentment from your partner.  I'm also glad that you have found us...because we "get it".  We've had the weird accusations and dealt with them "badly"...and then as we began to understand the dynamics and patterns at play...we began to handle things in a "healthier" way.

When you get a chance...can you give us a recent example.  That can be a starting point to guide you and your relationship to a better place.  How does that sound?

Best,

FF

[HopelessBroken]

I’ve got both hands raised over here.

I was interrogated over past relationships. Countless arguements over not disclosing every single relationship immediately. Stalking past partners on social media. Shaming and name calling over specific people I chose. Demanding intimate details. Shaming then for intimate details given. Threatening to disclose all intimate details to others (friends, parents etc). Requesting I talk negatively about past partners. Searching my phone for contact with past partners. Accusations of ongoing relationships with past partners. Calling past partners after looking up contact information online.

This does not include the 40-50 imaginary partners. Such as his boss, his best friend, my coworkers, my friends boyfriends etc.

[Lucky0133]

it was only to do with one previous partner, how did it end for most of yourselves?

[formflier]

Once I started understanding that "invalidation" was fueling the fire of paranoia...I was able to cut out invalidation.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

Largely this stuff went away from that.

I also stopped "reacting" to accusations.

Can you give us an example of a recent accusation/issue?

Best,

FF

[G1B8oN]

I agree, not reacting seems to be the best strategy.

I've had all sorts of bizarre paranoia and accusations in the past and still do but it doesn't escalate any more as I just don't defend myself or argue, just look at her with a slightly confused expression!

[formflier]

I agree, not reacting seems to be the best strategy.
 

Many times expressing shock is the best and proper response. 

"Oh my...I can't imagine this...well...this seems important to you so I'm going to have to give it some deep thought.  Let's talk more in a few days."  (then drop it..even if they don't)

There is a conundrum you  hand to them. 

They've obviously thought this through and it's important to them...so...since this is the first you have heard of this particular issue/set of "facts"...you should spend a great deal or perhaps more time than they have to "think it through"  (note..in reality you are not spending all that time thinking (stewing/ruminating like they have)

or...

If they insist it's not that important...then you can agree with them and not give it much thought.  "I'll take you at your word it's not important to you...so I'll spend my time on important matters."

They may still freak (likely will)...the best "response" is to "remain puzzled"...yet empathetic.

After a while when they are getting empathy...when they are expecting persecution...they will be forced to make adjustments.

Best,

FF

[formflier]

A very detailed and thoughtful analysis from a fellow ESTJ...(everyone else..please exercise self care to control you jealous longing for such "thoughtful" insight...)   

I "clean up messes" (organize and accomplish). 

1.  It's useful...life is better with things crossed off list.
2.  It provides data.  Either it's done or I've figured out it's harder and more complex than I thought.  If more complex...I try to apply wisdom...rather than brute force.
3.  I've found I can "deal with emotions" by "decluttering" the list.  Once I've accomplished several things I feel like I can give myself a break and sit with my emotions for a while.  I'm getting better at this...by sometimes pushing pause on work and doing self care...but I was raised by "work first..then enjoy fruits of your labor"  (which is a wise way...just not all the time)

I try to turn my anger into "energy" to complete tasks.

Best,

FF

[Still Here]

I've been on both side of this one.  My BPDW has extreme jealousy issues to the point where she has insisted that I turn on some feature on my phone so that she can always see on a map where I am.

At the same time (possibly in an effort to sooth herself) she will go through periods where she will discuss her exs, her random hookups etc in extreme detail and make unflattering comparisons of them to me.  It's incredibly hurtful.  I find myself constantly on the verge of firing back, but I know that will just make it worse. 

[Still Here]

I "clean up messes" (organize and accomplish). 

1.  It's useful...life is better with things crossed off list.
2.  It provides data.  Either it's done or I've figured out it's harder and more complex than I thought.  If more complex...I try to apply wisdom...rather than brute force.
3.  I've found I can "deal with emotions" by "decluttering" the list.  Once I've accomplished several things I feel like I can give myself a break and sit with my emotions for a while.  I'm getting better at this...by sometimes pushing pause on work and doing self care...but I was raised by "work first..then enjoy fruits of your labor"  (which is a wise way...just not all the time)

FF

I can't put my finger on it, but this idea of conceptualizing the problem as a task list really resonated with me.  Kind of creating some order out of chaos.  I do a lot better in life in general when I have clear goals or objectives that I can take on one at a time and then cross off.  If you don't mind, can you explain a little more how you apply this cleaning up messes approach to some of the more unexpected and/or explosive issues we all deal with having a BPD person in our lives in some capacity.  Are you able to generate these lists in the heat of the moment?  Is there a kind of metal task list template you use and quickly drop in the details?  Thanks in advance.  Really interesting concept.

SH

[formflier]

 
I don't know that I focus on cleaning up BPD messes per se.  In fact (funny story)...I usually leave those for the "mess creator" to pick up.  My wife tossed a bunch of auto parts boxes into the yard when she recently pitched a fit.  I left them there.  She calmed..cleaned then up..then apologized..sort of.

Anyway..I'm a "metric driven person".  ESTJ.  I think about things so I like to see "proof" that things are "moving forward".

Plus..life is generally about creating order out of chaos.  So...I find it emotionally satisfying to identify a task, think about it...and complete it.

For instance..I'm back in my hometown looking after some of my real estate interests.  My handyman is a good guy...but not a detail guy.  So..his lawn equipment is chaotic...very haphazardly maintained.  We've kinda got a barter deal where I do maintenance on his stuff and he does some free mowing for me.

So..picking up lawnmowers..working through them end to end to get them back to purring and running the way they should is very satisfying to me...a mess has been cleaned up and there are big benefits from doing this.  Plus I get to learn and do new things. 

My Dad's old mower appears to have a carb going bad.  I've never swapped one or rebuilt one on a small engine like that (I have on cars and big things).  So...tomorrow a new carb and some parts should show up from Amazon.  I'm really looking forward to it.

Hope this gives you a better perspective on what I was talking about.

Best,

FF

[formflier]

  Are you able to generate these lists in the heat of the moment?  Is there a kind of metal task list template you use and quickly drop in the details?

So..I just read you post again and I think I see what you are asking...enjoy the lawnmower story..I don't think it applied to what you are asking.

Lists..checklists.  love them!  If you haven't guessed, I'm a retired Naval Aviator.  (landing on carriers and all that..fun stuff).  Checklists are our life because odd things happen (fire lights, hyd low light and other lovelies) and they need to be handled and evaluated in a methodical way.

So..

FFw dysregulates (or starts in on BPDish stuff)  Thankfully this doesn't happen all that much anymore.

Break open BPD NATOPS emergency procedures.  (bonus points if you know what NATOPS is)

1.  Slow down..listen..think (do not react...start thinking about a response).
2.  Make sure she gets it that you are paying attention..she is heard and that it matters.  ("Oh my...do I hear you correct that...(xyz)")
3.  Evaluate if there is a legitimate issue here or if it is BPDish (said another way..make sure house really isn't on fire..)
4.  Get circular argument meter ready and calibrated.  (I'm disappointed if I go around more than 3 times..I shoot to only go 2...since the 2nd time around defines circular)

Unless hard evidence has appeared in 1-4 that you should stay engaged.

5.  Disengage (kick the can down the road)

"Oh babe...this seems really important to you.  I can give it the attention it deserves tomorrow over lunch.  Want to try the new Italian place."

6.  Disengage.

7.  Don't look back.

8.  Run for the hills

9.  Don't look back..

Get the picture? 

What questions do you have? 

Best,

FF

[Still Here]

Thanks so much for both responses. I am former Israeli military, so we may have similar minds. I’m going to chew on your second response a bit. I really appreciate the time you took to write it. And I’m a big fan of gallows humor.

SH

[formflier]

There is a lot of truth acknowledged in gallows humor.  Naval Aviation if full of it.

Best,

FF