just checking in

[gizmocasci]

hi guys, been a while since i posted. so i'm not sure the person i was with has bpd, but she certainly had shown traits. she claimed her ex was a sociopathic narcissit, so i'm still wondering if she was just bringing trauma from that relationship over to mine. she has a child with the ex, and unbeknownst to me, wants to keep things amicable. from everything i've read, its almost impossible to keep things amicable with a narcissit. that being said, we went about 2 weeks no physical contact, and very limited contact through messaging. i broke eventually and said lets meet up. she agreed saying she missed me and wanted to see me. things were beginning to revert back to how they were at the beginning, although she kept mentioning how she didn't want to be committed right now. she needed to stay amicable with the ex, she had no other choice. i still to this day, don't think he knows about me, and its been about 5 months. i stay over her house sometimes and her child wakes up to me in the bed. it leaves me wondering, here you are trying to be amicable with the father saying you're doing it for the family and your child, yet your child is waking up to me in your bed and is registering this. and you're now beginning to teach him my name. last tuesday we had a very beautiful evening together, but i told her how i was feeling. i said i feel like you have your "family" and theres me on the side. that if you had to choose, and i wouldnt make you do that, that i wouldnt be chosen. she said it wasn't about choosing it was about blending everything together. meanwhile this guy has a few children from other woman as well. me? well I just have me. regardless, she said i took the wings out of her sail that night. i went to hang her with her friday night, and she had just gotten back from her ex's house. she goes over there to bring her child and hang with the ex and his other children, the childs siblings. well like clockwork, i began to get verbally harrassed on some issues. how my words were cutting, and how i was reacting wrong to certain things. now i feel like she is beginning to pull away and distance again. i'm once again left scratching my head, what is going on? it hurts, but its also beginning to become numb. is this their game? push and pull so much, that you just become numb to it and than accept it? i'm out of the relationship, so i'm free to run for the hills, but i'm having such a hard time detatching from it all. thanks in advance for any help or insight.

[iluminati]

Forget BPD for a second.  She has one child with her, while the other siblings are with her ex-husband.  She's spending time with the ex-husband on a presumably amicable basis, all while introducing you to one of the kids only 5 months in.  I'd pump my breaks, and at minimum not visit her when the child she has is around.  That seems like a recipe for disaster for everyone not your significant other.  Nothing positive can come of it.

[gizmocasci]

they weren't married, ex partners. he has 4 children from 3 different woman so it's her childs 1/2 siblings. everything you say is clear as day, yet internally i'm trying to make sense out of too much, when i should just be cutting the cord. thanks for the reminder, its appreciated.

[Still Here]

I've got to second that.  Kids create an entire new dynamic of attachment on both the adult's side and the kid's side.  In a normal relationship where there is a kid in the picture, caution is appropriate.  Anything else risks cruelty to the kid.  You don't seem like that kind of person.  Tough situation.  Sorry.

[gizmocasci]

Thanks for the response. No I'm not, and the longer I've distanced myself from the situation, the clearer I'm beginning to see. She wants to keep things amicable with the ex, and have a "family", yet I'm waking up in her bed and the young child is seeing that. Seems to be a conflict of interest there. I'm older, more mature and have done the work. I need to step up and be the responsible one.