Son in and out of relationship making terroristic threats

[Moonrock]

This post has been split from another thread in order to give give it the attention it deserves. 

Boy do I know how you feel:( My son ,31, has been going in and out of relationship with me. It always ends with his writing abusive emails and texts. This last time I told him how I felt. Two weeks later he sent me an apology email and reunited with his wife and their three kids. Two weeks later he told his wife he wanted a divorce. He also said Perhaps I should kill the kids and keep you alive so you can be just as miserable as I am. I found out that he has been sending threatening messages like these to his wife for a long time. Once he mentioned hurting the kids she went to Domestic Violence and then the Police Dept. I have to mention he has been going on Nazi websites.
He was arrested in May and sent to a Mental Health Hospital and was committed there and had temporary psychosis. After two weeks there he was transferred to jail for terroristic threats. I did ask him while he was in the hospital why he kept me from seeing my grandchildren. He told me because I am toxic and has forgiven me and wants to start all over again in our relationship. I told him I had to go and was in intense pain throughout the day. I refused all of his calls after that. He called me from jail and I didn't accept them either. I then felt guilty and signed up for his calls but he hasn't called me since then. I feel I want to see him. He has a trial coming up on August 5th. Did I do anything wrong? I feel horrible.
I also have a 37 year old daughter who broke off ties with me. She admitted she had BPD three years ago and I paid for her therapy. She improved but now went back in denial. I am so heartbroken but refuse to enable my adult children.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Hi Moonrock:  It could be confusing to talk about this situation in the middle of this thread by Sunshine.  I really hope you'll make a post about what you're going through so we can focus on your situation.  One thing I was wondering as I read your post (heartbreaking.  I am so sad with you!) is, have you tried to open a line of communication by writing to him?
Hoping to see you post your own thread so we can talk more about things.  LOTR

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Moonrocks
I am glad to meet you and sad for the circumstances. Your son's behavior does sound scary. I doubt it is your fault though so please don't blame yourself. None of us here are perfect parents but we all did our best and I am sure you did too. I am very glad you joined this group. How can we best support you now? Are you worried about the trial? Worried about possible violence toward his family if he is released? What is your number one concern? We are with you. You are not alone.
Hugs
Faith