Is this really the end?

[Carguy]

So I've been struggling today with the recent breakup of my ex BPD and I (3 weeks ago). It wasn't until the last few months that I found out she is likely undiagnosed BPD.

The thing I would like to hear everyone's thoughts on is if you think she might come back. There seems to be things that lead me to believe there's a good possibility of it. Let me explain.

 We've been together three and a half years although the last two years we've recycled the relationship several times. I believe next to her second marriage I'm the longest relationship she's had. She told me the only reason her second marriage lasted so long (4-5 years) was because he was in the military and stationed in Iraq so she didn't have to deal with him a lot.

About 2 months ago we had been apart and came back together and agreed we were only going to be friends while she was healing herself emotionally. Like always it became more, like we were a couple again ( holding hands, doing things together, playfulness, sleeping together, sex, ect.). A couple of weeks later she started pushing me away and devaluing again and got upset telling me that we were supposed to just be friends while she healed. A week later she went to a retreat that she attended last year and reconnected with the same guy that she connected with last year when she went and we were apart.

When she came back she told me that she wanted to see where things went with this guy. She said she doesn't believe I am able to give myself to her completely. I told her that I would start seeing another woman then and she told me she thought that was wonderful.

Later into the conversation she was concerned about me not being her friend and that she wanted to look me directly in the eyes for a full minute and during that time through tears she told me she loved and cared about me. Then she said through tears that if things worked out with this girl and I that she could lose me forever and seemed upset about it. In the end she wanted me to give her a hug.

A week later I text her to see how she was doing and told her I was still here for her if she needed anything cuz I love and care about her. Part way into the conversation she said something about by my statement she could see I enjoyed being her friend or did I mean there was still a chance for us?  I was confused and asked if I could call her and she said yes and that she was confused too.

I called and told her that I meant that I still love and care about her and I will be here if she ever need somebody to talk to or anything like that.  I told her I didn't know if there was a chance between us because I got hurt pretty bad.

 I have some kittens I'm trying to find homes for and she told me a while back she wanted a couple of them. Even after she broke up with me she still wanted me to keep them for her. We talked about the kittens and then when I was getting ready to get off the phone and she sensed that she quickly asked me how things were going with the new girl. I told her good and that we were taking things slow ( recently found out this girl is not ready for a relationship). She then told me repeatedly how awesome that was and how happy she was for me. To be honest I don't buy it and I know she is a very jealous person. I then asked how things were going with the new guy and she said "Ok. We're getting to know each other." To me it didn't sound very enthusiastic.

 the conversation then started going into emotions as I told her that it was hard to move on from her and that this really isn't the way I wanted things to end but it is what it is and I'm very thankful she came back into my life and I got to know her again and that I will always cherish her and all the memories we made together. She started getting upset telling me it was bringing up emotions in her for me that she shouldn't have and it was wrong because she starting a new relationship with this other guy.

 she finally decided that we could no longer be friends and talk because it was too hard for her. I asked her if I should just give the kittens she wanted a way with the rest since we were no longer friends and she likely wouldn't be coming down to see them. She started crying and telling me that it made sense repeatedly. I asked her if she wanted me to still keep them for her and then she burst out and said not to tell anybody but she's moving to the city that this guy lives in and buying a house so then she can have her kittens. She works part-time as a receptionist and lives in low-income housing so I doubt she'll be buying a house in this city very soon because housing there is quite expensive.

I text her the next day and apologized for the night before and told her if she still want to come see her kittens she was welcome to and I would leave her alone and if she decided she wants to be friends someday to please let me know and I still loved and cared about her. I haven't heard anything back from her and there is been no contact in 2 weeks now.

 It was pointed out to me that the kittens are a way to stay connected to me and that she only played with the kitten a handful of times and that she wasn't crying over Losing the kitten but crying over losing contact with me.

 she also has a truck body, a car she bought from my family's estate, and her deceased grandmother's flowers in my flower bed at my house. She told me she would give me the car,  take the truck body, and dig up the flowers.  I haven't heard anything  about them.

In the past during breakups she said she would take care of those things and her other truck she had here. She would always procrastinated and put it off. To me it's like she wants to keep those things in place as a connection to me so she still has a reason to contact me and come back if she wants if things don't work out.

Is this what everyone else sees too or am I just wishful thinking?

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