Effects of BPD on my stepdaughter

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Wow - I had no idea a board like this even existed! I didn’t realize there were enough of us in this situation to warrant a board - but I’m grateful for the support.

Our situation: my husband’s ex likely had BPD. She was not diagnosed, but the therapist who saw my husband and his ex while they were married and then at least once one-on-one during their divorce suspects that was her situation. She died by suicide a couple of years ago and my husband and I were married this year. So while I am the stepmom, I’m also the only mother figure my stepdaughter has now.

My stepdaughter and I have a great relationship and have had since the beginning. It was actually a bit surprising, as my stepdaughter was hyper attached to me from the moment we met. I thought it was a bit unusual when I first met her for the only child of a single dad to be so attached to her dad’s girlfriend, but after her mother completely lost her mind and then killed her self, it made sense because I understood better that things hadn’t been right with her mom for a while.

My question is how being raised by a mother with BPD for the first 8 years of her life is going to affect her and how I can be a better stepmother to her to help repair the damage. My stepdaughter is a very intelligent little girl with a sweet disposition, but she can seem a bit detached at times. The therapist suggested that simply helping her name her feelings and validating her, as well as letting her see me “own” my own feelings will be helpful to her, as her mother likely never even acknowledged anything negative or validated anything about her daughter, period. She wasn’t the screaming kind of BPD - she was the disengaged kind of BPD who simply checked out or just didn’t show up. While her daughter was certainly fed and kept physically safe, she was basically treated like a pet and left to her own devices quite a bit.

Any additional advice from those who have been down this path? I want to do the best I can to help undo the damage, but I’m feeling a little lost as the effects of BPD on a child is unfamiliar terrain for me.

[Mcmmom]

Wow - I had no idea a board like this even existed! I didn’t realize there were enough of us in this situation to warrant a board - but I’m grateful for the support.

Our situation: my husband’s ex likely had BPD. She was not diagnosed, but the therapist who saw my husband and his ex while they were married and then at least once one-on-one during their divorce suspects that was her situation. She died by suicide a couple of years ago and my husband and I were married this year. So while I am the stepmom, I’m also the only mother figure my stepdaughter has now.

My stepdaughter and I have a great relationship and have had since the beginning. It was actually a bit surprising, as my stepdaughter was hyper attached to me from the moment we met. I thought it was a bit unusual when I first met her for the only child of a single dad to be so attached to her dad’s girlfriend, but after her mother completely lost her mind and then killed her self, it made sense because I understood better that things hadn’t been right with her mom for a while.

My question is how being raised by a mother with BPD for the first 8 years of her life is going to affect her and how I can be a better stepmother to her to help repair the damage. My stepdaughter is a very intelligent little girl with a sweet disposition, but she can seem a bit detached at times. The therapist suggested that simply helping her name her feelings and validating her, as well as letting her see me “own” my own feelings will be helpful to her, as her mother likely never even acknowledged anything negative or validated anything about her daughter, period. She wasn’t the screaming kind of BPD - she was the disengaged kind of BPD who simply checked out or just didn’t show up. While her daughter was certainly fed and kept physically safe, she was basically treated like a pet and left to her own devices quite a bit.

Any additional advice from those who have been down this path? I want to do the best I can to help undo the damage, but I’m feeling a little lost as the effects of BPD on a child is unfamiliar terrain for me.

[GaGrl]

Welcome! We're so glad you found us. There are a number of people on the board who step-parent (my husband's first wife is undiagnosed NPD/BPD and I step-parent three adult children).

Your situation is somewhat unique, with the BPD mom being deceased, but what an opportunity you have to parent this child!

How old is your step-daughter? How long was she with her BPD mother? And this may be somewhat off topic, but do you intend to legally adopt your stepdaughter?

We're hear to help and support you! I'm sure some of the other parents will be chiming in.

[Mcmmom]

Thank you for your reply!

My stepdaughter is 11. Her parents divorced when she was 6, I met her when she was 7 and her mother died when she was 8. From everything I have heard, her mother was very functional when she was a baby and toddler, but things started to go haywire after the divorce. As a family friend put it, “she was a totally different person when X was a baby...but when the wheels came off, boy, she could barely parent.”

Yes, the intent is for me to adopt her, but that likely won’t happen for a while.

It’s an odd line to straddle, in that I want to support my stepdaughter’s mourning of her mother while also validating for her that things were a little wacky with her mom. Right now, I try to let her lead the conversations and she isn’t really talking about the effects of her mother’s mental illness on her. She isn’t really talking about her mom at all.

Given her age, I don’t know how much lasting impact there will be from her mother’s BPD. I know there was an impact, but I how much will be lasting?

Fortunately, in our case, I do think my stepdaughter got her mother when she was “at her best.” I suspect her mother’s BPD would have had different effects had she parented her through adolescence or even middle school.

But - I don’t know. This is all pretty new to me, which is why I’m here!

[GaGrl]

Again, not the same situation, but a few parallels...

My mother was 4 years old when her mother died of pneumonia in a second pregnancy. She has some pretty clear memories of her mother, along with a good sense of being loved and cared for. Two years later, my grandfather remarried to a woman with uNPD/BPD, who was 18 (only 12 years older than the stepdaughter she would be parenting).

In retrospect, what my mom experienced at age 6-11 (elementary school age) was a lack of validation and a level of jealousy that actively interfered with her relationship with her father.

I would think your daughter experienced some validation issues -- perhaps she felt she needed to be a certain way for her mom, support her in some way that wasn't in line with her own thoughts and needs. BPDs can "parentify" a child -- putting too much pressure on a child to be the caretaker.  Also 6-7 years is when a child starts to differentiate or individuates from parents, and pwBPD can have trouble with that -- they see the child as an extension of themsrlves, rather than a different person with opinions of their own. My husband's ex was excellent with their children until they began having their own opinions.

Does any of this sound as if it could at least partially apply?

(P.S. My stepgrandmother never had a child and never adopted my mother. In addition to a level of hurt over that, my mother then had to deal with a lack of ability to make medical and legal decisions as her dad and SM aged and then died.)

[Mcmmom]

Yes, absolutely. I do think her mother treated her like an extension of herself and the two of them were great playmates. The memories she has of her are of fun stuff - art projects, watching movies, eating junk food, etc. For a long time, my daughter would describe things that her mother said or did as things that she also enjoyed or thought, even though it was clear to me that she did not. It was as if she didn’t get any validation from her mom unless she was just like her mom.  Everything from her favorite holiday to what she wanted to be when she grew up to opinions she had about family members - none of this seemed to be from my daughter and all seemed to echo her mother’s opinions. Over the last two years, I’ve tried to help her acknowledge what SHE thinks and wants, not just what she parroted from others.

[ForeverDad]

The therapist suggested that simply helping her name her feelings and validating her, as well as letting her see me “own” my own feelings will be helpful to her, as her mother likely never even acknowledged anything negative or validated anything about her daughter, period. She wasn’t the screaming kind of BPD - she was the disengaged kind of BPD who simply checked out or just didn’t show up.

My comments would have been just what the counselor said: validate, set a good example and gently guide her toward discovering better perspectives and perceptions.  You may be inclined to avoid discussing her mother directly, but there also be occasions where you and her dad can identify her mother's dysfunctional or unhealthy behaviors then how to address them with healthier choices while acknowledging that it sadly overshadowed her life.

I think she'll do just fine.  Sure, there will be some issues that pop up now and then but overall you and her father do - and will - contribute so much to her growing into a fine young woman able to navigate the world of building her own healthy relationships in life.

[GaGrl]

She is so very fortunate to have you!

[livednlearned]

How does she respond when you try to guide her to identify what she feels and thinks?

[Mcmmom]

How does she respond when you try to guide her to identify what she feels and thinks?

She responds pretty well, if she is already upset. I’ve tried bringing up her mom (as I know she is grieving) and that goes nowhere, but if she is upset about something and I talk about what she is feeling at the time, she responds pretty well. We had an episode a couple of months ago when she had a total meltdown because she was scheduled to see her therapist (who she has been seeing since her mom died) and she didn’t want to go. Yelling, sobbing, etc - and then she ran off and hid. I went after her and she told me to leave, but I stayed with her, kept calm and talked about why she was so upset. She calmed down rather quickly, actually.

One of the hardest parts has been that some of her “happy” memories of her mom were wacky memories that I thought were examples of unhealthy behavior - and, in some cases, unhealthy behavior towards my husband.  I talked with the therapist, who said it’s ok to give my stepdaughter another point of view and that I’m not going to alter her memories of her mom by saying, “yes, I know that was fun for you, but that’s not how I choose to do this...” It’s hard to straddle that line because her mother was not a healthy person and did some things that I cannot condone (she also did some truly awful things, but those are easy to explain to my stepdaughter as the actions of a very mentally ill person), and I want to acknowledge my stepdaughter’s feelings towards her and the happy parts of her memories while not reinforcing unhealthy and bad behaviors.

[livednlearned]

It's really hard parenting a child who has or had a BPD mom or dad. Anything you do to elevate the language of emotion regulation will go a long way, especially if you acknowledge her for riding out a difficult emotion in a healthy way. And it sounds like you're doing that 

There's a helpful wheel of emotion used in DBT that might be useful: https://ibb.co/bF8DkVJ

Even if it's too advanced for her, it might help you to help her name emotions.

The silver lining to having a BPD sufferer in your life is that it can lead to a wealth of learning about emotions and how they work in and through us so we aren't feeling flooded by them or trying desperately to stuff them.

[MeandThee29]

I think that the best thing you do is validate her feelings, be an example, and teach her in little ways what boundaries and healthy relationships are.

Mine are older (no custody issues), but it was a breakthrough for us all when I took the focus off him leaving and all of those emotions, and focused just on them where they are and what was healthy. I didn't get that for the first few months, but then thankfully came around and just let them go with it in their own way. Of course at times they say things I'm concerned about, so I ask questions and show that I care. That is enough to help them work it through. They didn't want to talk about him then and still don't say much at all about him. I know they've discussed things with friends that they don't discuss with me. One has been in therapy quite a bit, and I don't ask too many questions about that.

I had a rough childhood, and I'm sorry that our children (now young adults) experienced a rough childhood. Of course there were good times too. They are not at the point yet of remembering good times. I actually am there now in my healing, but I respect that they are at a different point. So I let them be in working through this. They may come to that in the future.

[mart555]

From everything I have heard, her mother was very functional when she was a baby and toddler, but things started to go haywire after the divorce. As a family friend put it, “she was a totally different person when X was a baby...but when the wheels came off, boy, she could barely parent.”

This really seems what I am going through.  My ex-wife is completely off the rails for the last 8 months since I told her I was divorcing.  Suicide threats in front of the kids on christmas eve, and after, cops called a few times, breach of conditions, not realizing the negative impact of what she tells / writes / says to the kids, ..  The kids are afraid of reading her messages and seeing her.  Yet she freaks out and tells them "Try to be in my place for 2 minutes, I have lost everything and now you don't even want to help me during my rehabilitation (DBT)", "the messages I wrote are true but you cannot handle the truth!", "you are turning into selfish kids and that's not what I showed you".  

Her NPD seems to be gaining power,  she seems to be a covert narcissist from what I see and is now moving towards the punitive avenger stage...   and the BPD makes everything explosive.    And it doesn't seem to be getting any better. Far from it, even though she's been doing DBT for 4 months.  

Given her age, I don’t know how much lasting impact there will be from her mother’s BPD. I know there was an impact, but I how much will be lasting?

It apparently hits the kids hard when they are older (ie: 25-30) and when they start having relationships with others.  I don't know what you should do but honestly, I've made it up as I go for the last 8 months with my kids.  Nothing can really prepare you for this but you seem to be doing the right thing:
- you validate / normalize what she feels
- you are there for her
- you don't try to become her mom
- she will get to see what a healthy relationship should be (you/her and also you/father)

Sure you'll make mistakes along the way but we all do but overall, I'm sure you help tremendously.   One thing I'll say is that she may fear turning into her mother if she had realized how badly her mother was acting and the mom kept telling her that she was like her..  I had to work on this quite a bit with my son, telling him that he was more and more like me (patient, ...)  

[Mcmmom]

  One thing I'll say is that she may fear turning into her mother if she had realized how badly her mother was acting and the mom kept telling her that she was like her..  I had to work on this quite a bit with my son, telling him that he was more and more like me (patient, ...)  

Yeah, that is a concern - especially since my stepdaughter tends to affiliate with the audits in her life - it’s a huge part of her coping. She did it with me, she did it with her mother. I have subtly tried to reinforce that she is her own person, preparing for the day when she realizes just how unhealthy her mother was.

[worriedStepmom]

It's got to be so hard when the child is idealizing the parent they've lost. 

My SD is 12, and it's really in the last year that she's started to try to blossom into her own person with her own opinions.  I've seen her respond very positively when I point out, and praise, her individuality, or if I specifically ask her opinion on something after H and I have been discussing our opinions in front of her.  If she just parrots one of us, I ask her to walk us through why she picked that.  She's learning to think for herself that way, I hope.

I also acknowledge the good things that she gets from her mom.  SD's mom does a lot of arts and crafts, and SD is also very creative.  There *are* things about mom that are good, and I'm hoping it helps SD to know that we see that too. 

I read in a book recently about a family who had a foster child whose parents died when the kid was about 7 or 8.  The child was terrified he'd forget his first family, so his new family helped him write down all his memories of his parents, and all the stories they had told him, so that when he grew up he would still remember.  I wonder if that would help your SD?

[Mcmmom]

I read in a book recently about a family who had a foster child whose parents died when the kid was about 7 or 8.  The child was terrified he'd forget his first family, so his new family helped him write down all his memories of his parents, and all the stories they had told him, so that when he grew up he would still remember.  I wonder if that would help your SD?

I actually tried that and she wasn’t interested at all...I also bought her a book “letters to mom” that I suggested she complete, but that went untouched. I am good friends with one of her mother’s friends and she asked what she and her other high school friends could do for my SD and I suggested a memory book, particularly highlighting the funny or happy memories of her mom before she succumbed to her illness (when she was more of a functioning adult) and she loved the idea, but nothing ever came of it.

My SD has a good relationship with her maternal grandparents, but she said they NEVER talk about her mother when they are together. I’m honestly a bit bewildered by all of it.

I think in our case, the BPD causes her mother to do such atrocious things towards the end of her life that it’s overshadowed the non-BPD aspects of her life. I have tried to help my SD navigate through the very complex relationship of loving a deceased mother who had some good qualities, but also did some terrible things (acknowledged) and then neglected some of her mothering duties (not exactly acknowledged, but increasingly obvious to me). It’s just really, really complicated. Having a BPD mother seems hard enough - but then throw in some terrible decisions and suicide and wow - it’s a lot for my little SD to deal with.

Thank you all for letting me vent and providing so many great thoughts and suggestions. I’m grateful to have found this group!

[mart555]

I think in our case, the BPD causes her mother to do such atrocious things towards the end of her life that it’s overshadowed the non-BPD aspects of her life. I have tried to help my SD navigate through the very complex relationship of loving a deceased mother who had some good qualities, but also did some terrible things (acknowledged) and then neglected some of her mothering duties (not exactly acknowledged, but increasingly obvious to me). It’s just really, really complicated. Having a BPD mother seems hard enough - but then throw in some terrible decisions and suicide and wow - it’s a lot for my little SD to deal with.

Internal conflict in SD.  Maybe she only needs time to make sense of it.  Show that you are there for her but don't force anything.  Put a safety net in place with people to help / monitor her and hope that time allows her to heal?

[livednlearned]

The episode that happened before seeing her T...does that happen regularly?

Did she end up going to see the T that day?

[Mcmmom]

The episode that happened before seeing her T...does that happen regularly?

Did she end up going to see the T that day?

It had never happened before. She saw her therapist the next day (when she was scheduled to see her) and it was fine. Her therapist is a trauma and grief counselor because of the way her mother died, so their sessions are very specific to her mom. I think at that moment, she was just done and didn’t want to talk about her mother anymore. She is excited about her “new” life and doesn’t want to dwell on the unhappy. I have told her multiple times that if we stuff those unhappy feelings down, they will find a way to get out, one way or the other. It’s like putting a lid on a volcano.

It’s complicated because it’s hard to tell how much of her struggles to grieve are associated with the behaviors she saw from her mom related to her BPD...if she didn’t learn how to process negative emotions because of how she was raised, then how does she process THIS?

[livednlearned]

I notice that kids seem to re-process trauma in different ways as they hit new developmental milestones.

Your SD11 may try out different behaviors to see what works with peers, now that her brain is preparing for the rigors of purely social relationships. As she gets into the choppy waters of middle school, she will likely begin to test what she knows on kids her own age, to see what works.

I also found instructional words weren't enough. I had to model everything with my son. And when he absorbed those behaviors, I called them out and applauded how he handled himself.

One time a parking attendant set me off for something I did wrong. My son, then 12, was in the back. The parking attendant wouldn't let me pass, she kept lecturing me and lecturing me and wouldn't put the gate up. I snapped. As we drove away my son said to me, "Ok I think you need to breathe."

I pulled over, still shaking and talked it through with him. Basically, "here's what it looks like when emotions get so powerful, wow! I'm as surprised as you are. And here's a way to handle it that helps the whole system get back to baseline. Glad you're here with me, it's calming."

Another time I lost my temper with him and in the height of my anger, found myself saying, "I don't know where this anger is coming from. You're the last person I want to hurt. Something happened today and it reminded me of this really old hurt I have about x. I took it out on you and that's wrong of me. Have you ever felt that way?"

Then he recounted the whole story to his T.  

I think our traumatized kids trust what we do more than what we say.

They've learned from BPD behaviors that saying and doing are miles apart.