Coparenting & Emotionally Exhausted

[Quicksylver]

My partner's exwife has undiagnosed BPD. She is textbook BPD so there's little doubt in anyone who knows her.

We recently pursued getting full custody and modifying their parenting time plan (it was 50/50 and "fluid" -meaning that the Exwife could jerk us around whenever she wanted...which was usually weekly if not daily). We had delayed pursuing this for a while but she forced our hand when she physically abused my step daughter. We had been aware of ongoing emotional and verbal abuse as well (we got both the Exwife and my stepdaughter into counseling -which didn't seem to help much), but the physical abuse solidified our decision to take her to court. The great news is that we won! She has been scamming the government for years (collecting undeserved welfare, food stamps, child care credit, etc.) and once she realized the standard discovery request would require her finances to be professionally reviewed, she immediately signed over custody and agreed to only every other weekend parenting time.

The signed judgement went into effect over a month ago. At first the Exwife was SUPER supportive -thanking us, telling us how wonderful our stepdaughter was doing on this new schedule, etc. Everything has changed of course. Now that we're holding her to a schedule (denying her request to give back a couple parenting days that she voluntarily gave up a few days prior), enforcing communication standards (text/phone calls are limited to emergencys, drop off + pick up queries, and requests to talk to my step daughter / email for everything else), and told her that face-to-face interactions between us have to be scheduled ahead of time (and held at a neutral location) she has dove straight into a full blown BDP rage (surprising no one). She was also really upset that she now has a 3 phone call a week maximum (during our parenting time) -even though SHE HAS NEVER ACTUALLY CALLED 3x IN A WEEK. You'd think I was physically burning her by the way she is reacting.

I am exhausted. My partner has a TERRIBLE relationship with her. I have been handling all communication (text, email, face-to-face, everything!) as I can remain calm and try to treat her compassionately (despite her claims), whereas my partner sees red after about 30 seconds. The Exwife literally staked out our front porch the other day to talk to us. I handled it, and it resolved just fine -but the stress of maintaining a calm demeanor and addressing her concerns however irrational WHILE OUR DAUGHTER STOOD SHAKING BEHIND HER -has completely destroyed my nerves. I've had nightmares about her the last three nights in a row...

I've also learned that the Exwife is spewing hateful posts all over Facebook. She's mostly talking to other divorcees who also don't have custody of their kids thanks to their big bad exes...but she did talk about contacting a lawyer. We consulted ours who assured us that there was very little she can do at this point -but it is still incredibly stressful. I am manically tracking all of her behaviors, a process I started as we entered the legal process, but now I feel like one of those crazed detectives with the pictures taped all over the walls with red string spun around and around.

I feel like I am over-managing everything. Or at least on the verge of a meltdown. On top of maintaining a borderline creepy amount of tracking and documentation, I am constantly monitoring our daughter for signs that she's needing help processing all of this manic behavior. My partner and I try not to bombard her with talks about her bio mom's "big feelings" but at the same time it's heartbreaking to send a six year old over there to have her feelings hurt over and over and over again. To be fair -the new schedule (with 10 days inbetween their weekends together) has resulted in much higher quality parenting time for her. That has been very satisfying to see -the Exwife seems to have enough time to finish out a couple emotional spirals and start missing her daughter by the time she sees her again. My diabolical plan is working! (at least on that front)

I've never posted on any kind of board like this before. But given my current mental state (people keep asking me if I'm okay -to which I actively fight the urge to angrily snap "Of course I'm okay! Why wouldn't I be okay? How dare you ask me that!") I thought this might be a good idea. Being the nerd that I am, I've already read about 5 books on the subject and just received "Stop Walking On Eggshells" in the mail. Hopefully that will help too.

Thanks for listening (reading).

[GaGrl]

Welcome! Even though the reason you're here isn't pleasant, we're glad you found your way to us. There are a number of members who have had similar experiences as yours -- we can provide help and support.

More than a few of us are real-life to children whose mothers are (diagnosed or undiagnosed) BPD. I joined the forum after marrying my husband and realizing his description of his ex's behavior was probably BPD and BPD -- my stepchildren were adults, but can you believe? Her behaviors continue with the grandaughters!

You must be exhausted -- I know I would be. One of the topics we emphasize is self-care. Has the custody situation become consistent enough that you can think about and do something for your own self care? That is, are you sleeping good, exercising, eating well, spending time with your husband and friends in a way that restores you?

Finally, what is your biggest concern right now? How can we best support you?

[worriedStepmom]

Giant hugs to you. 

My situation is very similar to yours, except SD is 12 and there wasn't any physical abuse.  I cannot imagine it being that bad with a six-year-old.

My H got primary custody last summer after uBPDmom had a meltdown that scared SD so much she locked herself in a bathroom and called H.  uBPDmom signed the papers without going to court.  We got SD into therapy.

If your situation follows the same pattern as mine, it is likely going to get worse.  uBPDmom can't handle being away from SD for 10-14 days (but she can't handle parenting either), and she can't stand the idea that she has to follow a court order.  The verbal abuse towards SD has intensified as SD learned boundaries, and as SD has begun to feel safe with us.

In the last few months, we blocked uBPDmom on both our phones and on SD's phone (~70% of the texts were verbal abuse; the other 30% were cat memes).  H set up an account with TalkingParents, and all communication must go through that.  (Usually I respond as him.)  This actually makes the documentation a lot easier - they can email you a PDF of all the communication, and it's all in one place to clearly show the train of crazy.  In my notes for the lawyer, I can just reference the thread name and the date.

We've also had an increasing problem with unannounced visits. I was starting to feel like we were under siege.  Last month, I hit my breaking point and told her I would call the police if she showed up again.  *She* called 9-1-1 to report me; he explained to her that she has a right to speak but we have a right not to listen.  She is aware that if she shows up, we will not answer the door and we will call the police to escort her from our property.  Under no circumstances are either of us willing to talk to her in person.

The last few weeks, she has started calling the police on us for all kinds of things.  They seem to have figured out the source of the problem (not us).   She's called two different police departments (her town and ours) to report that we are limiting her to 2 phone calls a week with SD.  She's also called CPS on herself twice in the last two weeks ...she literally told them that we said she's abusive because she sends her kid cat memes and she wants them to tell H she isn't abusive. 

You seriously can't make this stuff up.  I know it's crazy, and you know it's crazy, but they are so darned confident that their crazy is right that it messes with your head. (Gaslighting at it's best!)

It's so hard - as stepmoms we have no authority but lots of responsibility.  Do you see a therapist?  I just called and made myself an appointment today.  I am hoping it will help me stay calmer in the face of all the insanity as we go back to court to try to reduce uBPDmom's time more (SD is getting stressed again).

[Turkish]

That's certainly hard to deal with, especially since you have stepped in to take over what your partner should be doing. 

We've summarized and discussed a lot of the tools you'll find I  that book.  You can see more in the Suggested Reading and Lessons pinned at the top of this board. And see here:

2 --- MANAGING CONFLICT ---

My particular favorites are JADE and BIFF.

[ForeverDad]

One way to avoid "the ex on the doorstep" is to have exchanges elsewhere.  For the first two years (newly separated and divorce process) we exchanged at the sheriff's office or parking lot.  Oh what fun.  (Not!)  But necessary.  I would walk into the lobby for the exchange and she'd turn to the deputy and claim I was harassing her.  Sheesh!

Then the next couple years we met at a gas station or restaurant parking lot.  Again, "neutral ground".  In recent years I've gotten both Legal Guardian status and majority time.  With her looking bad in the latest decision a few years ago, she has cut back on any communication with me and my son will soon age out of the custody issues.

It sounds like she is having extinction bursts, her immediate reaction (flame outs) to a change in status or circumstances.  Hold tight to your boundaries.  In time she may discern that her rants and rages aren't making you and your husband shrink back to prior patterns and they will probably decrease.  "Probably" is the operative word.

If she continues pursuing the social media aggressive blaming stance, then you might want to look into whether she has some traits of Histrionic PD.

[livednlearned]

I am exhausted. My partner has a TERRIBLE relationship with her. I have been handling all communication (text, email, face-to-face, everything!) as I can remain calm and try to treat her compassionately (despite her claims), whereas my partner sees red after about 30 seconds. The Exwife literally staked out our front porch the other day to talk to us. I handled it, and it resolved just fine -but the stress of maintaining a calm demeanor and addressing her concerns however irrational WHILE OUR DAUGHTER STOOD SHAKING BEHIND HER -has completely destroyed my nerves. I've had nightmares about her the last three nights in a row...

I don't know if it's resolving just fine if you have nightmares for three nights in a row  

These are not just difficult relationships, they're the most difficult. And when there is a young child involved, that just ratchets up the level of difficulty.

I had to develop a titanium backbone with my ex and build concrete walls three feet thick, even when it meant inconveniencing me.

It sounds like bio mom can not come to the house anymore. Do you feel this is a boundary you can set with her?

A lot of us have exchange clauses in our orders that describe how exchanges will occur. Mine said that my ex could not get out of his car. Bio mom will probably disregard it, but the more limits you have in place, and the more she ignores them, the more likely courts will rule in favor of your reasonable expectations.

[GaGrl]

I had to develop a titanium backbone with my ex and build concrete walls three feet thick, even when it meant inconveniencing me.

Same here. My husband's ex has been arrested three times -- one early incident involved a boyfriend, a windshield, and a tire iron. The other two involved boyfriends and a gun. I don't trust her. Since my DH is a former infantry officer, we describe our boundaries as concertina wire.

[Quicksylver]

I really appreciate all of these comments! It caught me by surprise how much just having other people going through this weird, dark rabbit hole of crazy with me helped me feel stabilized. It's crazy how much your situations have in common with mine. I don't think I realized how isolated I had been feeling. So thank you!

The custody situation has stabilized somewhat. We had a nice week of silent treatment, which we took full advantage of and did some much needed relaxing as a family. I've started running in the mornings as well which has also really helped give my moods a boost. I'm still dreaming about her pretty consistently but it's gotten less and less scary. Lately it'll be her sending me screenshots of non-existent clauses in our parenting time plan. I usually realize they're made up during the dream and can stay asleep -which I consider progress. I have been going to therapy just about every other week -but this last month my therapist was on vacation. I have an appointment today so hopefully it'll kickstart everything mentally settling down (for me anyway).

The exchanges have gotten better as we changed a few key details. She isn't to get out of the car when she drops off SD from her dinner dates (every other week for 3 hours). She picks SD up from child care at the start of her parenting time and we pick SD up from her at the end of her parenting time. The porch stake-outs were happening at the end of her parenting days, when she was facing not seeing SD for another 10 days. We realized the trigger and switched it to us picking her up the end. So far this has worked well as SD can just run out to our car. Hopefully this will mostly resolve the issue. Appearances are very important to the Exwife so lately she has been abiding to the court orders (as long as we enforce them of course). Both the Exwife and my partner are very involved in AA (which interestingly enough seems to level her out to a certain extent, not to the point that actual therapy or medication would, but I'm still very grateful for it) -and the community has created quite the active audience for her, which crazily enough has been keeping her accountable (at least publicly). I'm starting to think her Facebook posts were more to get sympathy and attention then anything else. Nothing concrete has come from it so far, so we'll see.

I definitely think she is prone to extinction bursts as one of you mentioned. Honestly my partner and I had to lay down so many boundaries at once that there wasn't much of a shot to avoid them. As soon as the judgment was signed, we implemented a new parenting time schedule, new communication standards and new limits on face-to-face interactions. Any Borderline would have freaked out. I had tried to phase it in, giving her a few extra summer vacation days (which she gave back and then asked for back...three times) -but she just continued to escalate until I had all of these boundaries officially in place and enforced. That's the hardest part for me overall. I am pretty conflict-avoidant for the most part, but the nicer/more understanding I try to be to her the more she pushes. Then my back's against the wall and I have to be the bad cop again. She rages, then crumbles, then is sugary sweet and contrite again. And so the cycle continues.

I looked into it and I do think she has Histrionic PD as well. The symptoms list describe her so well it honestly gave me chills. I do think it's given us a bit of an edge when it comes to redirecting her though. Despite her rages and intense insecurities, she is fairly easy to redirect and influence overall. Do you have any resource recommendations for this PD? I did a brief google search but didn't find much with good reviews.

And another question -what do you do about a 6 year old whose experimenting with lying? My SD is starting to practice lying, mostly normal 6 year old stuff like exaggerating a story or taking credit for something that she was barely involved with, etc. From what I've gathered from parenting books and other parents -this is pretty typical behavior, but it has SUPER high stakes when it comes to her BP mom. My partner and I don't really know what to do. The Exwife lies constantly about things our SD says to her and up until recently we could trust our SD's word. Now we are never quite sure what's happened or not. Our SD's lies have stayed pretty innocent so far, mostly outings with the Exwife that never happened (we went horseback riding and she bought me all these toys!) but combined with the Exwife's insecurity-based lies (how dare you trashtalk the places I take SD! She hates the pedicure place now because you told her it wasn't nice...), it's created situations that have to be carefully navigated to avoid massive fights. Any advice with this one? We've talked to SD about it and I can see that she's trying, but again...she's 6.

[worriedStepmom]

It sounds like you did a great job of finding the root cause of the problem and addressing it.

For lying, I recommend getting a variety of kids' books that address it.  My kids really loved "Glasses for DW", which was more about small white lies than bigger stuff.  There are a lot of different kinds of books to fit her interests.

We asked our kids a lot why they told the lie - not in an angry voice, but to understand.  Often it was to get out of trouble.  Sometimes it is because they wanted it to be true.  Sometimes it was because mom said it was true.

[livednlearned]

It can also help to run through scenarios about the difference between lying, privacy, withholding, forgetting, etc.

Richard Warshak talks about that in his book Divorce Poison. It can be particularly helpful because even something like what a lie is gets distorted with BPD logic.

My son would accuse me of lying if I forgot we had ice cream in the freezer. I had to bring up scenarios and have him work with me to understand what was happening. He was able to see that there are a lot of nuances and subtleties. Without learning that, I think he would've seen the world in black and white terms, with people either lying or not lying.

[ForeverDad]

(Thread describes when divorce trial was looming, ex had messed up and my ex was desperate to use 5 year old son to make me look worse than her...)

I spoke with my son and realized he didn't know what lying was.  During those early years I felt he was developmentally delayed by all the conflict and discord.  He was in kindergarten, so I looked for a way to VALIDATE what truth and honesty were.  I found an out-of-print Clifford The Big Red Dog book, T-Bone Tells The Truth, and we read it together.  I saw the light bulb go off in his head.