Personal Ultimatum after Ultimatum, still going...

[Huskypilot87]

We were high school sweethearts, it’s been 18 years. Two lovely children and almost a decade of marriage.

I’m in my 30s now and am growing so tired. I’m a very caring and compassionate person, but not with her. Month after month goes by and it’s still the same thing. Abusing medicines, explosive emotions, egg shells, peace and quite for maybe 5 minutes...rinse and repeat. I’ve been cheated on 4-5x. But I’m always the one under fire.

I never saw my life turning into this. I ask what I did to deserve this. I’m no princess but wonder how we got to this point. We’ve almost divorced 4x. I even got out one time years ago. Moved into a townhome and tried to start over. Met the sweetest girl, mind you the first date I’ve been on since 10th grade in high school for perspective. I got to see for just a second what normal was liked.

Flash forward another 6 years. We’ve moved so many times away from her problems. There’s no more family, friends, nothing. Just work and drama. Kids are getting older. I ask how much more can I tolerate. You try and talk to her...all you get is suicide threats.

Feeling stuck and down. Don’t know what to do. I feel bad for my kids.

[Enabler]

Hiya HuskyPilot87,

Sounds like you've had quite the push pull ride. 18 years is a descent stretch but you've certainly managed to cram a lot of drama in there. I know what it's like to have an unfaithful wife. You seem to be pretty clear about the number of times, I know for sure about 1 but I'm starting to reconsider other times where maybe I chose to come to a safe conclusion rather than weighing up challenging evidence.

What makes you go back?

Has she ever followed through with threats to commit suicide?

What is currently happening in the relationship that has prompted you to say enough is enough?

Look forward to hearing from you.

Enabler

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Huskypilot, It sounds like you are running out of gas, with nothing left in the tank.  I can relate, because I was once in your shoes.  The key, in my view, is to return the focus to yourself.  Suggest you get back to doing the things that bring you joy.  It's easy to get consumed by the pwBPD and takes effort to nurture yourself.  You might want to set aside time to sit with your feelings.  Take a walk in the woods, or on the beach, by yourself.  Think about what sort of example you are setting for your kids?  I strongly suggest reaching out to family and friends, without whom you can lose all perspective.  Plus, you're going to need support from them when the going gets rough.  Don't let yourself get isolated; it's what they do to prisoners of war to break them down.  Be kind to yourself.  Treat yourself with kindness and compassion.  You get the idea!

LuckyJim

[formflier]

Hey...HuskyPilot87

Do you fly?  I'm retired Naval Aviator.

I'll second what others have said.  What can we do in the next few weeks to refocus on you and "fill those tanks up". 

Then we can likely help you make some better decisions..

Best,

FF

[AskingWhy]

Ultimatums are a form of emotional blackmail and FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).  A person blackmails using the fear of an unwanted consequence.  For instance, my uBPD H's favourite one is the threat of divorce.

At first, I would be devastated to tears and beg him not to divorce me.  I was very codependent and had low self esteem at that time.

Fast forward 15 years.  Now when he threatens this, I tell him to go ahead and do it.  If he, by some chance files, I am prepared.

You need to understand the dynamics of emotional blackmail and how to deal with it. 

It's a very uncomfortable place to be in when a partner does this.  Take control.

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-tell-if-youre-the-victim-of-emotional-blackmail/