Feeling Hopeless

[Our abuse recovery guide]

We moved back with my bpd mom 5 years ago.  We were in financial stress and she was going to lose her house.  It seemed smart.  At the time, my brother and his family were also there, and I thought it was enough buffer. 

They stopped being able to handle it nearly 3 years ago, leaving me and mine here.

We are able to financially leave.  I am emotionally abused and manipulated daily, and my husband can no longer take it.

I feel stuck because, us leaving also means her losing the house. My siblings already support her significantly financially, and the issue is that if I left we couldn't pay for her rent and our own.

I am emotionally beaten down. A sobbing mess with no control as a parent, no support as a wife, and no mother who cares about more than herself.

I am so tired. So very tired.  I need support to leave this abusive prison of a home.

[Mooberry]

We moved back with my bpd mom 5 years ago.  We were in financial stress and she was going to lose her house.  It seemed smart.  At the time, my brother and his family were also there, and I thought it was enough buffer. 

They stopped being able to handle it nearly 3 years ago, leaving me and mine here.

We are able to financially leave.  I am emotionally abused and manipulated daily, and my husband can no longer take it.

I feel stuck because, us leaving also means her losing the house. My siblings already support her significantly financially, and the issue is that if I left we couldn't pay for her rent and our own.

I am emotionally beaten down. A sobbing mess with no control as a parent, no support as a wife, and no mother who cares about more than herself.

I am so tired. So very tired.  I need support to leave this abusive prison of a home.

[No-One]

Hi Mooberry:
I'm so sorry about the situation with your mom.  You have a right to have a happy life & not live with your mom.  What are some possibilities?

• Sell the house & use any proceeds for an alternate living situation:  smaller home, condo or rental.
• Can she qualify for some type of low rent subsidized housing?
• Can she get some form of public assistance?
• Could her current home be rented & then she could use the monthly rent to cover something smaller for her?

How old is your mom? Any chance of giving her an ultimatum?  Might she be apt to change if she considers the alternatives?  Perhaps, it's time for a meeting with all the siblings to discuss options (tell them you have to leave)

[Turkish]

This is a horrible place to be... I had to get my mom out of our house with me and my little kids.  She didn't really give me much choice as she demanded to be taken back to her hoarder home and property (which I had helped her save a few times the past 20 years). I felt horribly guilty, and yes, she lost her paid off property.

Yet at the end of the day,  I realized that my primary responsibility was to my family, my innocent children who are minors, and to myself as their caregiver. I could only stretch myself so thinly, bending only so far before breaking.  She ended up making accusations of elder abuse against me. I was in danger, and thus my innocent kids.  

My mother ended up losing everything, but is now under care of the state. She led herself down that path.

X-posted with No-One.

I advised my mom to sell her property just before the 2008 housing crash. She refused. It's worth a gentle conversation though (admittedly, my advice wasn't gentle, as I saw it as cold logic).

[Mooberry]

Hi Mooberry:
I'm so sorry about the situation with your mom.  You have a right to have a happy life & not live with your mom.  What are some possibilities?

• Sell the house & use any proceeds for an alternate living situation:  smaller home, condo or rental.
• Can she qualify for some type of low rent subsidized housing?
• Can she get some form of public assistance?
• Could her current home be rented & then she could use the monthly rent to cover something smaller for her?

How old is your mom? Any chance of giving her an ultimatum?  Might she be apt to change if she considers the alternatives?  Perhaps, it's time for a meeting with all the siblings to discuss options (tell them you have to leave)

She is 71. I think change is never going to happen at this point.  My siblings will be upset, but I think are all ready to support my decision emotionally.  They will be upset about having to deal with the rage... but at least we can all deal from a distance.

There are a lot of options, and when you put it that way- it is very possible to leave.  I didn't even think about some of these.  Like renting it out to pay for another place.  Actually quite brilliant.  It needs some work, but I believe we could all support something like that.  We could sell, and her live off the proceeds of what the house is worth. Very possible. It is her home, so really up to her.

How do I prepare myself for the emotional storm that's coming? I have therapy at 8am today... i decided i need help in this process.

6 months ago, I decided I could live with her forever and take on the sacrifice.  But- my husband and my kids don't deserve that. 

[No-One]

How do I prepare myself for the emotional storm that's coming? I have therapy at 8am today... i decided i need help in this process.

6 months ago, I decided I could live with her forever and take on the sacrifice.  But- my husband and my kids don't deserve that. 

Therapy sounds like a good choice.  It should help you to have a neutral party to discuss things with and gain some support.

You are right, your children & husband  deserve a happy & healthy home.  You don't want to keep your children in a dysfunctional living situation.  Keep reminding yourself of that in the days ahead. You all (including you) deserve better.

If your siblings get upset, they will just have to get over it.  As long as you live there, they have less "mom issues" to deal with.  It's understandable to not want the apple cart to get upset.

Blow the FOG (Fear, Obligation & Guilt) away, review the options, make your best effort to gain consensus with your siblings & Mom - then full steam ahead.

The one stumbling block might be if mom refuses any of the options.  In that case, you might have to be firm in stating that your family will move out.  You can suggest solutions/options, but you can't make her accept them.  Hopefully, she will get on board with changing her living situation.