Looking for Normal and Finding Chaos

[Houdini]

It has been quite a few months since my last post. My 19 yr. old DD has moved out, moved back, been asked to leave, it has been a rollercoaster ride to say the least. One minute she is coherent and advocating for herself and the next she is accusing me of being the sole cause of everything that is wrong in her life then I will get a lengthy text message and she will tell me how fabulous a mother I am and I don't understand how she feels.  We constantly move between victimization and blame to idolizing. As the depression and anxiety are being controlled with prescribed medication she is self medicating with cannabis. When she is high, she is masterful at twisting my words and using them against me, accuses me of holding her against her will (we live in a very small town but she has full access to my car and works in a nearby city, I have also offered to help her buy a vehicle), and is so rebellious. The last argument we had where I asked her to leave she completely exaggerated what was happening and now says she wants nothing to do with me, that I am toxic and trying to prevent her from getting better. She is masterful at spinning a story and convincing others that I am a villain. I am trying to use the techniques outlined in Stop Walking on Eggshells when communicating with her and still learning about this diagnosis and I worry that she will break all ties and isolate herself. I should mention she has not told her therapist or doctor that she is self medicating and has convinced them that she is doing well. Because she is 19 and considered an adult, I am unable to talk with any of her medical team to express my concerns and they are ready to discharge her. I guess I am looking for others stories to try and normalize what I am going through and any suggestions or recommendations for what is working for you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Piper15]

are you sure you're not telling my story? My 16yo daugther...is the SAME.  She was texting me this weekend and in a span of 5 minutes...she went from being the victim, to being MAD, to mom shaming me, to saying she was sorry and telling me how "hard she is trying". I almost had whiplash!  She doesn't do a THING to make herself or her situation better.
Sad to day...that is our normal. It's NOT your fault. It's not MY fault. Its mental illness.  I can't give you any advice...cause I'm barely hanging on myself.  But I can tell you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Best of luck! BE STRONG!

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Houdini
Welcome back
Like Piper I also know how it feels when a child splits like that. It can be so hard to not take it personally. My son does it too. The only thing that helps me is keeping my distance physically and emotionally when he is projecting bad things onto me. I try to validate the feeling but not the content of what he is saying. You say you have asked your daughter to leave. How is that going?
 

[Houdini]

Thanks for the validation and the advice. She has been couch surfing and tells me she has an apartment available the first of September.  I agree that we can't live under the same roof as long as her behaviour is so irrational, although I am not very good at disengaging when she starts ranting but I keep trying. On a positive note, she is continuing to work and kept a therapy appointment tonight (which I only know because I received the bill).

[FaithHopeLove]

Keeping a job and a therapy appointment are huge accomplishments. That really is good news. So is the apartment. Have you thought of seeing a therapist to help you disengage from the rants? If you like you can post some od the stuff she says and we can all brainstorm some healthy responses. We do that a lot here. It seems to help

[Houdini]

The hardest conversations to disengage from and the most hurtful are the one's that start with "you always" and/or "you never" usually follow with declarations of how I'm feeling or thinking.  Yesterday started out with telling me I was toxic, never wanted her, was incapable of loving anyone that's why her father left us, prevented her from having any relationships...I got totally caught up in justifying and arguing with her and by the time I realized what was happening we were knee deep in the muck and I wasn't comfortable leaving the conversation when our emotions were so revved up. How do I disengage when we are both so invested in the conversation?

[livednlearned]

There's a section in Lobel's book When Your Daughter Has BPD where he says that kids with BPD often use the terms "always" and "never" in order to portray herself/himself as the victim of some sort of bias of the parent in an effort to make the parent feel guilty or ashamed.

He recommends using a skill called contextualization to diminish the feelings of guilt or shame, which are based on distortion. If you can diminish your own feelings of guilt or shame, it's easier to address the distortion (although it can take lots of practice to do this and make it feel second nature).

[FaithHopeLove]

I can't improve on Lived and Learned's advice so I will just say amen.

[Houdini]

That was one of the books I read when we received the diagnosis. I will go back and reread that section. Thank you for the reminder and recommendation.