How to practice validation when your pwBPD uses gaslighting

[woodlily]

I'm trying to be more wise and deliberate when communicating with my uBPD dad. I'm grateful to be building a "toolkit" of skills to use so it doesn't feel so overwhelming in the moments that I choose to respond. Having these skills usually helps me quiet my mind when it generates potential future scenarios and how I would respond.

One skill I'm struggling to make sense of is how to remain validating when someone is gaslighting you or when the "perpetrator" makes himself out to be the "victim". My pwBPD is prone to splitting (for example, "you wronged me (AKA you did something that I interpreted as rejecting/hurtful), so you are wrong/bad/need to apologize...regardless of what I did, because I'm always right").

How do you validate someone's feelings when they're based on interpretations that cast you in a bad light?

[Harri]

In some cases, I would say don't use validation.  We never want to validate the invalid.  Though a persons feelings just are, what surrounds them can be nothing but projection or lies as defenses or even worse.  So validation is going to be very hard if there is no clear target.

In such cases you may do best by simply being careful not to invalidate and using SET.  Sympathy, empathy, truth which is talked about here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

Sometimes a combination of don't invalidate, don't JADE and SET work well along with boundaries.

Without an example it is hard to say what is best though.  Can you give us a he said, she said scenario to look at?

[Kwamina]

Hi woodlily

I remember your previous post quite well in which you mentioned your dad's extreme cruelty towards animals. He has exhibited quite some disturbing behaviors and I can totally see how that would unsettle you.

Great to see you here trying to learn new ways of communicating and interacting with your dad. You cannot control what he says and does, but you can work on your own behavior and responses.

We only want to validate the valid, and like Harri said, we never want to validate the invalid. If possible, indeed try not te be invalidating. If you in the moment simply cannot find anything valid to validate, not saying anything is also an option, that can be perceived as invalidating yet that's still better than validating the invalid. Validation is a powerful communication technique, but there are also several other powerful ones which can be incorporated in your toolkit such as the already mentioned S.E.T. and don't J.A.D.E., but also for instance D.E.A.R.M.A.N. and B.I.F.F.

Since you explicitly mention 'perpetrator' and 'victim', it might hep for you to take a look at the so-called Karpman Drama Triangle:

Karpman observed that in conflict and drama, there is "good guy vs bad guy" thinking.
…...
Karpman defined three roles in the "transaction"; Persecutor, Rescuer (the one up positions) and Victim (one down position). Karpman placed these three roles on an inverted triangle and described them as being the three aspects, or faces of drama.

You can read more here:
Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

The Board Parrot

[TelHill]

I'm no expert here so please chime in if I don't have this right. In my experience a triangle consist of the roles played and traded off. There can be two people in a triangle. My BPD parent can play the victim. For example, they will say I never go anywhere. (My BPD does not drive and likes to go out window shopping or to a distant park; my enabler parent likes to stay home though they drive.) I play the rescuer by saying I'll drive you to the shopping mall.

We go. I want us to go to the food court once there. BPD parent might feel even better if they are around people and enjoying a snack. (I'm still the rescuer.) BPD parent says ok if you want to.

I purchase our snacks and we sit down to eat. I ask BPD parent how they like the snack and being out of the house.

BPD parent loudly criticizes my earrings and some people within earshot of us. (Victim to Perpetrator.) 

I feel angry and embarrassed. I tell BPD parent to knock it off and stop it. I tell them why did I ever bring you here if you're ungrateful and ridiculing everyone? You are impossible to deal with. You don't look so great yourself.  I don't like you.  (Rescuer to Perpetrator)
 
Parent with BPD starts to sniffle and says I said nothing bad to anyone. All I wanted to do was get out of the house. It's hard to enjoy this cookie. I feel sick to my stomach. (Perpetrator to Victim)

Ok, that's my interpretation of a triangle.   I hope that helps.

[Harri]

Hi TelHill!

That is a pretty accurate description of a drama triangle you gave there.      We change roles and go back and forth.  Heck, I can play all three roles all by myself. 

Have you seen the article we have titled The three faces of Victim?  It is a sobering article on the roles we play and how often we do take the position of victim even if we start out as a rescuer or even a persecutor.

See what you think.

[TelHill]

Thanks for the article, Harri! I was being mature and polite by holding back telling bpd parent how I did nothing wrong, and I felt like someone hit me in the stomach.(Kidding about the mature and polite part.   )

I indeed play all three parts of the Karpman triangle more times than I care to admit. The rescuer (victim as savior, hero who's loved by all) part is the one I do to her and to others in my life.  I also tend towards seeing things as a catastrophe (my Chicken Little role) when they are not.

I have a lot of work to do on myself if I want to be a care giver for her. I don't want to hurt her feelings, and I want to stay sane as she heads towards the end of her life.

I don't blame her for the BPD. I am very sad about the abuse she suffered as a child. She's very talented and smart. It's tragic.