My mother has BPD

[chickena]

Hello all, my mother has BPD. We've been in distant relations for 10 years though I miss her very much all the time. I actually didn't know she had BPD until a few years ago when she told me out of the blue. It explained a lot of her behavior and was eye opening to read about. I would like to rekindle our relation but I am not sure how to do so. I am trying to learn more about BPD.
What's stopping me is when I do reach out I am met with very intense rage, blame, and attacks typically. And she also declares she is not interested in hearing from me - though there have been plenty of times where she has said the exact opposite.
So I am just looking and curious. Looking to be helpful but not an enabler either. It's a hard line to walk and I'm not sure how to do it. Regards

[chickena]

I should mention I am almost done reading "Stop walking on eggshells" and it describes our relationships to a T... it is uncanny.

I feel conflict: on one hand, I want a really wonderful relationship with my mom. We have had it before. Her symptoms were not always so bad, esp before her divorce with my dad (not good).

On the other hand, I can really tell that no amount of reasoning helps. However, most of our interactions are by email. I can tell text really doesn't work best with her. She is much more trustful in person. She really assumes the worst when seeing text for some reason.

However, I get intimidated talking to her. I don't want to be yelled at. I try to be zen and above it but its not easy. I would like to encourage her to get help.. but then I wonder if that's mainly motivated by my own guilt and desire to see her well. Maybe what's best for her is just to figure it all out herself without my interference? I can't quite figure it out. Thanks

[JNChell]

Hi, chickena. Welcome to  bpdfamily. I’m sorry for what led you to find this community, but glad that you did. We “get it” here. If I read correctly, your mom told you that she has BPD. Is it safe to assume that she’s clinically diagnosed? Although it may be hard to see, it’s a positive if she’s accepting of her condition and not in denial about it. Is this the case with your mom?

You would like to rekindle the relationship with your mom. It’s been rocky for 10 years. This is possible, but it’ll take some work on your part. Being objective here, I wouldn’t expect much effort on your mom’s part, so you’ll have to take the reigns on this.

Being yelled out and verbally abused is awful. Unfortunately, it’s a common theme with pwBPD (people with Borderline Personality Disorder). The good news is that there are tools and skills that are available for folks like you that are willing to see past the disorder and try to have a meaningful relationship with your mom. I’d recommend learning how to set healthy boundaries first. This is about self preservation and protecting your own health. I’d also like to recommend learning how to effectively communicate with a pwBPD. I’ll provide you with some links to some very helpful articles that are offered here at the end of this post.

You’ve found a great community here. I encourage you to dig in and look around here. Continue to start your own threads as well as join in on conversations in other members threads. There’s plenty to read and learn about here. We’re glad that you’re here, chickena.

Here are the links...

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

Hope these articles are helpful.

[TelHill]

Hi chickena,

I am glad you found your way here. My mother also has bpd. I feel a deep love for her and want the best for her.  I can tell she loves me too. It's hard for her to express this love as a normal person would. She says abusive, hurtful things when she misinterprets my intentions, my words.

I have to walk a fine line of showing love and respect, but not getting too close. She's afraid of being too close to anyone in my opinion.

I'm semi-new here. I read through a lot of the site and am practicing (and practicing and practicing) the skills.  It's calmed her down a bit which is better than nothing.  It might be the most I can expect for us together as mother and daughter.

This is probably on the site somewhere, but I have found it helpful to rage against the universe, the gods/goddesses, the nothingness in space on the rotten turn of luck of having a bpd mom. It's simply not fair.  I'm careful not to take it out on people or myself.