Advice for Steps Part 2

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This thread continues from here:   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339318.0;all

GaGrl - great points.  I am trying to get him to understand he's a big part of the problem.  You are exactly correct.  She is getting what she wants with her fake illusion.  And she has become a priority.  It's disgusting and sick, but it is the reality.  

So, the big question remains...how does H achieve radical acceptance so he can accept that he needs to be the change. I have told him over and over again that she isn't going to change and he's the one who needs to.  I know he gets it, but he doesn't truly "get it" because he can't control his actions.  Are there some good articles?  

[Grady]

This thread continues from here:   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339318.0;all

GaGrl - great points.  I am trying to get him to understand he's a big part of the problem.  You are exactly correct.  She is getting what she wants with her fake illusion.  And she has become a priority.  It's disgusting and sick, but it is the reality.  

So, the big question remains...how does H achieve radical acceptance so he can accept that he needs to be the change. I have told him over and over again that she isn't going to change and he's the one who needs to.  I know he gets it, but he doesn't truly "get it" because he can't control his actions.  Are there some good articles?  

[worriedStepmom]

She isn't "a" priority.  She is "the" priority for him.

More so than you.  More so than your children with him (I assume).  Definitely more so than SS.

She creates chaos.  You are trying to be reasonable and understanding. So he assumes you will continue to do that, and he goes to fix the chaos.  We all know the chaos is not fixable, but he isn't there yet.

This isn't going to be as easy as convincing him to do something different. It's going to be changing how you do things so that you are at least a high priority to yourself.

You deserve better than you are getting right now.  So does SS.

So what can *you* do differently to try to get to where you want to be?

[GaGrl]

I agree with worriedstepmom...maybe the questions are:

What are you willing to do to support and help your H in making healthy decisions about SS's safety and best interests?

What are you willing to do to protect you and your daughter's vested interest in the marriage and family?

What are you NOT willing to do that helps H enable a continued, unhealthy relationship with his ex-lover?

What are your boundaries around your marriage and home/house, and what actions will you take when those boundaries are violated?

What are the short-term and longer-term consequences to your H if he continues his current behaviors?

I'll be blunt here -- if my husband were leaving my house to spend hours with his ex-lover, I would feel thoroughly violated and betrayed, and I would be furious. Your H doesn't see it that way, because he thinks your support means you have his back on everything he thinks he needs to do regarding this situation -- no matter how confused and enabling his behavior is. He's like someone fighting a fire with a bucket and a water hose -- he puts out what's about to burn up in front of him right now this minute, while the main barn structure is burning down behind him because he won't stop long enough to call for help.

[Grady]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.  You are all making excellent points and providing perspectives I know but overlook.  I agree with everything you have said. I do feel violated and betrayed and a lot of other emotions

I will make this the focus on my therapy session tonight.  H does feel I have given him a free pass to act in ways no H ever should.  And to some extent I have.  I have voiced my feelings time and time again, but my consequences have not been enough to illicit changed behavior.  None of this is okay.  None of us deserve to be treated this way.  Yes, she's sick.  But that's not my problem, that's not my D's problem, that's not H's problem.  Unfortunately, it is SS's problem as she is his mom.  But, it's H's responsibility to make sure it's not SS's problem.  

[livednlearned]

I would start with telling him you wrote to the lawyer.

Put the lawyer on speaker phone and shine light on this. Sunshine is always better.

You seem to have leverage here given what you are putting up with. He also seems to want someone to take care of the mess he's made/making. That's quite a tiny needle to thread in terms of your role going forward. Take care of him or let him clean up his own mess.

You may want to then think about whether you want this wonderful little SS3 in your life if your marriage doesn't make it. What happens then?

Your H also seems to have trouble identifying boundaries and enforcing them.

That puts a lot of pressure on you to create ones that align with your values. He is a weak link in the gate so best to take that to heart. Any boundaries you create will be strongest when they don't require his participation.

It's great that you have a therapist to help you focus on what is best for you, because it doesn't seem like anyone else in this scenario is.

[worriedStepmom]

It's great that you have a therapist to help you focus on what is best for you, because it doesn't seem like anyone else in this scenario is.

When H and I started putting hard boundaries in place this summer, SD12 was upset - because her mom would be upset.  I reminded her that mom was an adult, and SD is a child, and it's long past time to put SD first.   She got really quiet and said "I don't know what that even looks like".  She had been trained by her mother to put everyone else's needs first, and it is a losing battle when you try to control others that way.

Your H is definitely in that headspace right now.  That's why he is feeling so overwhelmed.

I think you are, too.  You have to balance the needs of yourself, your girls, your H, your marriage, H's ex, and your SS.  How do you rank those competing priorities (and do your actions reflect that ranking)?  How would your H would rank them?

Being honest with yourself about your priorities and your ultimate goals can help you make a plan.

[Grady]

I know I do need to let him know about the lawyer.  I'll check to see if she responded, but I will let him know.  I need to have a real conversation with him about how we do need to speak with the lawyer together and be a united front with this going forward.  He needs to trust that this is what needs to happen for everyone's sake. 

I'm sure I'm in denial, but I feel as if my marriage will survive this.  We have been in much worse hell and made it through.  But you guys are right.  If H can't get his you know what together, I can't live like this.  It's not fair to anyone.  My therapist always says she is here to be my advocate and wants what is best for me.  She cares about H and feels for his plight, but she said she is hired to be there for me. 

H does have trouble with boundaries and enforcing them.  Funny though, he didn't used to.  If he felt someone overstepped, he would just walk away.  He distanced himself from his parents without really realizing he was doing it.  He needs to get back to boundaries. 

And you guys are right, I need to enforce boundaries as well.  Worried, your question about ranking my competing priorities.  I can tell you that I certainly am not making myself top priority.  I believe that's my D's and overcompensating for H's lacking.  Then, I probably am putting him and me third. SS would 4th.  Then marriage.  I don't make her a priority, but by making my H one, her shennigans take over.  Of course we all know if she decided to run away or jump off a bridge, I wouldn't be upset. 

I need to make myself more of a priority.  I see that.  I need to figure out how to do that.  My ultimate goal (today) is to have my family intact and minimal contact/if any with BPD.  In a perfect world, she goes away and we have SS full time and can help him and raise in a healthy environment and give him opportunities he could never have with her. 

[ForeverDad]

H has to recognize that letting her grasp the least bit of control makes it so much harder for H to reach an empowered outcome.  For example, once she got into his car or drove around in his car, she had control.  And he didn't know how to undo that power grab.

[kells76]

Hi Grady, another stepparent here chiming in...

I need to make myself more of a priority.  I see that.  I need to figure out how to do that.

Join the club... me too.

I sometimes read other boards here on the site. I'd highly recommend checking out the "Son/Daughter with BPD" board for the self-care discussions. The members there are serious about how taking care of ourselves first puts us in a healthier position to care for others next, and they're coming from some incredibly high tension, high stakes, stressful situations like yours. Take a look here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=4.0 if you'd like.

Welcome, too, BTW 

[Panda39]

I'm with kells about checking out the other boards, I also read the the staying/bettering your relationship board to get a perspective on what my partner's relationship may have been like with his ex.  It helped me to understand what I saw as a lack of backbone, was really a lot of FOG, someone rational treating someone irrational as rational, as well as 20 years of living in a dysfunctional dynamic. 

,My partner is also a member here and reading somethings together allowed us to have some really good discussions.  Both of us being members helped us to speak the same language and be on the same page when it came to how we dealt with the ex in relation to his daughters.  Would your husband consider joining, he is most definitely not alone.

Panda39 

 

[Grady]

Thanks.  I will check out the other boards.  I do understand H is not intentionally doing this.  His FOG is deep right now.  I know there is nothing romantic between them.  It's all about control and making her a priority because that's her desire and he is pertrified to upset her (even though that fear is irrational, it's real in his mind). 

Last night was another doozy.  H had no idea where she was yesterday...no car, no place to go.  So, after he dropped D off at soccer, he took SS and went to "find" her.  I guess he did.  And I guess she played the helpless card and so H made sure to get her dinner and made her get another motel room.  Apparently, SS said something to her and she went off and said she was going to kill herself.  Yet again.  H said he was going to go back home and she cried and took off in her dramatic fashion.  She came back and when he was trying to leave (she said he couldn't take SS with him), SS threw a fit and so he wound up coming home at 9ish with SS.  All was good and I asked H to call the lawyer to give her permission to work with me.  He said he would think about it.  Then, I went to bed and he got "worried" because he hadn't heard from her in hours and of course she threatens to kill herself and then turns off her phone.  This game has been played over and over again.  Sure enough, he left to go check.  She was asleep but he wound up waking her up and then "he got stuck".    

This morning, I let him have it.  He swore he passed out there and it wouldn't happen again and I told him enough was enough and he needs an intervention.  I gave him a lot of tough love about me stepping up to be SS's advocate as he can't seem to do it and I will call CPS if I have to.  That this behavior/cycle/FOG needs to end.  I know he doesn't do well when I speak to him like this but I'm just so frustrated. 

My therapist felt the advice given here has been helpful and that I should continue to work towards getting legal access and work with his therapist to contact CPS and take these things out of his hand.  She said he's fragile, he's not doing this on purpose, etc.  And I have to remember that this isn't personal.  Mental health is no joke.   

[GaGrl]

What SS experienced last night is exactly what your H needs to stop. And it's H instigating much of it due to that FOG.

Where SS should be in a home eating a healthy dinner, having some creative and fun playtime, a bath, jammies, teeth brushed, story time, and night-night -- he is driving around with dad trying to find his homeless mother, getting her a motel room, listening to his mother make suicide threats, and being upset to The point of near-hysteria at thinking he left with her in a strange place where she might kill herself while she sleeps.

Is your H even looking at this from the child's perspective? He needs to understand how chaotic SS's world is right now.

And he needs to make it stop.

[Grady]

Agree Agree Agree

I told him all of that in not such nice words too.  I told him he was the problem too even though he said he wasn't the problem but he knew he wasn't handling it properly and was making the problem worse. 

Honestly, the saddest thing is the worst punishment you can offer SS is to have to go be with mommy.  He freaks out at the thought.  Wake up H.  Grrrrr. 

[worriedStepmom]

The good news is that he did bring SS home with him. 

The bad news is everything else.

So he made a lot of really poor decisions but finally made the right one - he just left, with his kid.  Immediate end to the drama, because he removed himself and his son from the situation.

If you can, praise that.  Because he did *eventually* do what was right. THEN you can work on the bad decisions.  With my 10-year-old, we look back at "where did this go wrong, and what could YOU have done differently" for it not to have escalated to that point.

I wouldn't let this one go yet.

[Grady]

Yes, he did, but today has been bad decisions.  I did find my iphone with his apple ID (when we separated a few years back, he and I stopped using the same apple ID).  It has her phone on it as she has an iphone she didn't use (I think it's one she bought for H trying to get him off our family plan and then couldn't return it).  She stopped using her android phone so her family can't reach her after she got kicked out and started using this phone.  Anyway, she put herself on his apple ID (not on our plan).  Sorry, long explanation.  But, anyway, I saw both of their phones show they were at my house or around my house and I called him on it.  He lied saying she must have left the phone in his car but swore she wasn't there.  I was going to call the police to have them go to the house, but he said he had to go check out a possible rental for his business and was leaving.  Sure enough, her "phone" has been with him the whole time. 

He is continuing to deny that she's with him but I am not letting him.  I am so angry.  I know he feels trapped.  He has no idea what to do with her as she has decided it's his responsibility and he knows that it's not okay and I will be upset so he goes with the lie.  So, again SS is stuck around his mom and the abuse continues.  I asked him to tell me the truth and his response was "you seem to know everything anyway so just ask yourself".

The really ironic thing is H says BPD is a pathological liar and it drives him crazy.  He will know she is lying and she gets really upset and doubles down on her lies and refuses to admit anything.  He said it's so frustrating.  And here he is doing the same thing.  Learned behavior you think?

Last night in bed, I was telling SS that daddy loves him and I love him and then he responded with "mommy doesn't love me". 

[worriedStepmom]

He has no idea what to do with her as she has decided it's his responsibility

That's not her choice.  It's his.

One of your boundaries is that she can't be in your home.  He allowed her in the house.  What consequence will you use to enforce your boundary? 

I just finished The Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder, by Randi Kreger.  One line that really resonated with me is that boundaries without enforcement is nagging.  Nagging doesn't work.

[Grady]

I completely agree it is his choice.  Ugh.  This is all so infuriating. 

Yes, I should have called the police when I first suspected it.  I was in the middle of doing things at work to make a deadline and then he said he left.  I know, excuses.  But, I will call next time and I'm sure there will be a next time. 

I know I need to focus on some of the positives...like SS being at the house last night.  But today I just feel pissed off.  Why lie to me over something so stupid.  Just admit it and let's move on.  So, yes, I can't give him false threats.  That's on me. 

[worriedStepmom]

If H is there, and H gave ex permission to be in the house, what will happen if you call the police? 

I'm wondering if that is an effective consequence.

[livednlearned]

Do you think he might be lying about their relationship being over?

[Grady]

Since the house is only in my name and I have made it clear to both of them that she is not welcome, I would think they would do something right?

No, I definitely believe the relationship is over in any sort of romantic way. His therapist and my therapist feel it’s over as well.

[Quicksylver]

"Quick - This is a little off topic, but how did your get your wife to allow you to take the lead and respond so she wouldn't be triggered?  I know that's where we need to be but my H can't seem to do that.  My SS is only 3 and needs counseling for everything she has put him through.  He begs to be with us full time.  H knows he needs to do this for his son, but she still maintains so much power over H.  He makes great strides, but she knows exactly what to say and do to drag him back in.  Right now she is homeless and he is the only person who will even speak to her so she has put everything on him.  Yes, she is horribly sick and needs help.  But she can't/refuses to see it.  She is convinced we have brainwashed my H and SS.  To put it in perspective, most months (before she became homeless last month) there were around 10,000 texts.  She won't take no for an answer.

Sorry to hijack...just don't see a lot of other people on here who are in the category (my significant other's ex has BPD)."

 Hey Grady, I saw your post on my thread and decided to put my reply here for you. After reading through your thread, I can see that you are definitely in the eye of the storm right now. Unfortunately a lot of this is out of your control. I say this with love and compassion as I've been in a very similar situation. When my wife and I first started dating, I noticed that she was pretty quiet about her relationship with her exwife. I noticed that she would frequently (sometimes daily) have to change our plans at the very last minute to go and pick up her daughter from BPD. I thought this was weird, but I didn't want to pry. Cut to about 4 months in when BPD saw pictures of us on Facebook and started sending threatening texts to her, telling her she wanted to pursue full custody and full parenting time. My wife only showed me because she was so upset. Honestly she was very ashamed of these texts / her abusive relationship with BPD, and very afraid of my reaction. When I told her that BPD's claims had no legal standing (they are both on the daughter's birth certificate, my wife has acted as the primary care giver since her birth, etc.) and we could easily fight this in court. She didn't believe me at first, but I encouraged her to do a free consultation with a lawyer with me -which helped convince her.

Her willingness to step back from BPD took a while. Honestly by the time she started dating me, she had eliminated all communication with BPD that wasn't directly connected her daughter. This eliminated all relationship drama, as she was very stubborn about not participating in any rescue missions or really helping her out in any way that wasn't related back to her daughter. BPD respected this boundary because she had to -but compensated by blowing up my wife's phone with daughter-related issues. My wife was receiving upwards of 600-700 texts a month (rough estimate -even a data nerd like me can't talk myself into crunching the actual #s).

Once my wife and I decided to move in together, BPD took a real nose dive. She started freaking out about the parenting time schedule (for the first time ever -she was never picky about the days before) and the emotional / verbal abuse of our daughter reached an all time high. Daughter started having serious behavioral issues, which climaxed when BPD beat her so badly (while daughter was naked btw) that she had to stay home from school because she couldn't sit down without an ice pack. My wife shut down completely for about 24 hours. I was unsure what to do -but I knew that I couldn't watch this happen. I gave my wife an ultimatum: we deal with this and go for full custody/modified parenting time plan or I would need to leave this relationship. I told her that I was deeply in love with her but I couldn't watch this drama continue to unfold without taking steps to end it. It was too triggering for me (I am also a child abuse survivor) and I chose to respect my limits.

My wife took a day to think about it and decided to call the child abuse hotline and report what happened. We worked together to create over 200 pages of documentation to use in court (I did the majority of the grunt work as she could barely talk about some of the situations she and her daughter had gone through without becoming extremely angry/emotional/shut down). We dutifully documented and set up boundary after boundary (starting with locking the schedule and extremely limiting our text communication with BPD -again this only reduced our texts down to 300-500 a month, but it was a start). 6 months later she were ready to lawyer up and serve BPD with the legal papers.

It did take 6 full months before she was ready to take the plunge. I felt appeased by the fact that my documenting and tracking was creating an air tight case -but there were definitely times when I was very scared that she wouldn't go through with it. Creating more and more space between my wife and BPD was key. It started with just my wife showing me the texts that BPD was sending her so I could validate my wife's anger and frustration / explain why whatever accusation or threat was completely ridiculous. This lead to her feeling more anger than fear when dealing BPD -which helped but also created it's own difficulties as my wife would see red (during phone calls especially) and start yelling/cussing. We countered this problem with my wife getting off the phone (telling BPD she had to call her back) and then calling me so we could calming discuss whatever was going on. This really empowered my wife and let her clear her head enough to see what she actually wanted to do about whatever BPD was calling her about. This also lead to BPD never calling her anymore (except to talk to Daughter) -which has been a fantastic byproduct.

I took over most of the communication with BPD after we lawyered up. It was easier since I could quickly read a legal document, retain and understand the info and relay it back to my wife or BPD if/when needed. I am also so type A that this role fit my strengths naturally -my wife hates this kind of organization/data/numbers/etc. so it fit our natural roles in our relationship anyway. It wasn't until we had all the legal documents signed off officially that I took over almost completely. This was again just a natural fit -BPD has very specific texting regulations so my wife doesn't have random/ridiculous texts hitting her all day (we now only get about 35 a month -YAY!). The majority of our communication is now through email, which I've handled from the beginning. I still sit down with my wife and discuss whatever is being emailed before I respond. This is also part of our communication boundary with BPD, as we are now stretching our response time to 2 days (3 days next month), unless it is truly time sensitive. I am loving this boundary as after 2 days both of us feel very little emotion about whatever was emailed and can respond using BIFF (Brief, Informative, Firm, Friendly) much easier.

Hope this helps. Maybe a few of the boundaries we have in place can help you and your husband find some stability in the midst of all this BPD chaos.

[ForeverDad]

Any professional would probably tell your husband that he's not the one to determine whether the ex is truly suicidal not not.  Standard policy is to call an emergency line, report the suicidal claims and let the trained professional respond and assess.

However, be prepared that when they arrive she could deny making suicidal statements.  Were her suicidal comments recorded?

If there is a history of suicidal comments and no attempts, then likely she is saying such things to get his reaction and compliance, not that she is really suicidal.

Negative engagement is still engagement.  And that is what she's seeking, whatever it takes.  We're not saying she's not in some level of distress.  But it's her distress.  The child nor H nor you should get entangled in all that.

Very important:  You and your husband should read The Bridge together.

[Grady]

Quick - Thank you so much for sharing your story and the boundaries you have been able to put in place.  I am defintitely more like you being methodical and data oriented (it's what I do for a living).  I would like to read this with my H to show him how you worked through issues with your wife.  Maybe he will be accepting of us trying some of these things.  I am so sorry to hear of all the physical abuse.  As far as I know, she hasn't really physically abused SS.  I do remember her punching and pushing H a couple of times to block the doorway so he couldn't leave when they lived together.  But, I don't think it has been a recurring thing.  I guess we can find a bit of comfort in that, but I don't put it past her to become physical.  The problem with the courts is that everything takes so long and it's hard to not second guess yourself.  I really need to get him to allow me to take over with the lawyer and court issues.  Your wife and SD are so lucky to have you on their side.  Talk about texting...we have had many months of well over 5,000 texts. 

Forever - I just read The Bridge. I will definitely read it with H.  That is such a great metaphor for his reality.  I have told him over and over again that he needs to call someone with all her suicide threats.  The threats have been verbal and by text so he has many many examples.  In June, that's one of the main ways we got the temporary custody implemented.  H showed the lawyer some texts and she immediately filed to have her be picked up and held for a psych eval.  The courts screwed up (go figure) and didn't write the order properly so the hospital let her go after verifying she had no weapons on her to self harm and never did the evaluation.  She played the victim role to a T. 

Since she is now homeless, I wonder if we could switch the case to the county we live in.  We had to file everything before in the county where SS and she lived with her parents, but they are not as sophisticated as the courts where we live.  But, I imagine we would need to start over?  They don't just transfer the case to another county do they?  I don't even know if his lawyer practices in this county.  Does anyone have experience with that?

Last night, H and I went to D14's back to school night.  We didn't spend any time together except in the car as the girls don't have any classes together.  On the way back he told me BPD said we weren't allowed to drive together and she must have walked to our house and took a picture of H's car in the driveway and flipped out.  This stalking is out of control.  I have to get H to agree to file an order of protection against her to make sure she can't come near our home, cars, H, SS, or any of us.  He knows it's needed.  I just need him to agree to file for it.  I spoke with D11 who said she will tell me if she sees BPD near our home when I'm not there and knows I will call the police.  She wants me to do that.  I will be out of town Sunday-Wednesday for work and I'm concerned for what BPD may try to pull when she thinks "I'm out of the way". 

[worriedStepmom]

google your state name + "change of venue" "family court"

In my state, whatever county the child lives in has jurisdiction over the case, provided the child has lived there for 6 months.  My H got primary custody of SD12 last summer, so she now lives in our county, not the county where her mom lives/the divorce was filed.  When H filed for a custody modification this summer, his L simultaneously filed for a change of venue to our county.   It's taken time - he filed over a month ago and we're still waiting for the judge to sign off so we can refile in our county.

What did your H say after he informed you that BPDex doesn't want him in a car with you?  It sure sounds like she thinks that the two of them are still in a relationship.

[Grady]

Thanks Step.  I'll do that.  I guess it hasn't been 6 months since this county has been his primary residence since they got kicked out only a month and a half ago.  Ugh, I need to have access to his lawyer. 

BPD has never accepted that H and I have a real marriage.  She has called it a fake marriage since day 1 and refuses to listen to any other alternative.  No matter what H says, the facts show, etc. she has chosen to believe that H hates me and only lives at our home for our D's, that he never moved into our bedroom and has always stayed in the basement, and a multitude of other delusional thoughts.  So, since she truly believes all of that, there is no reason H and I should have any interaction.  Of course, when she did actually come into our house, it was clear H and I share a bedroom and bed and live as a regular married couple, but she creates a story in her head to make sense of it.  I think H basically ignored her when she went off on the driving thing. 

[ForeverDad]

What did your H say after he informed you that BPDex doesn't want him in a car with you?  It sure sounds like she thinks that the two of them are still in a relationship...

... and that she trumps H's relationship with you.

As long as he waffles on setting firm boundaries and sticking to them the chaos will continue.  She of course will not respect boundaries, you already know that.  So it is up to H to set strong practical boundaries.  Stated most simply, "Our relationship is limited to the parenting of our child, period."  In short, child exchanges and various child-related matters.  Excluded are her moods and feelings, companionship demands, demands that impact your marriage relationship.

Let's take the recent demand, that husband and wife must not ride in the same vehicle.  Absolutely ridiculous.  Ask 100 people and 100 would respond, No way!  Yet she demands that.  And H could all too easily cave in on that demand.  Appeasing and acquiescing to demands will not resolve or address the core problem, her disordered and entitled state.

Yes, that will be a monumental paradigm shift for H to address.  It will be a developing process, not an easy event.  But that's what has to happen to limit her chaos in his life - and yours.

I agree, you officially no longer have a relationship with her except as the other parent of the children, yet she is setting terms and conditions on you that don't apply to her.  The reality is far different than her perspective, it's her slanted perception of things.  The world according to the Ex.

The reality is that you can't live your life on her terms.  As long as you allow her that power over your life then she will feel empowered and enabled to control and dictate.  Have you read Henry Cloud's Boundaries?

News flash.  Boundaries are for you, not her.  You already know you can't tell her what to do or not do.  You can't force her to do or not do something, your power is in your response.  However, what can and does work (though there are limits) is something like this... .
"If you do or don't do ___ then I will do or not do ___."

Examples:
If you start blocking me from our kids... .
... .then I will enforce the parenting schedule, in court if that's what it takes.
If you want extra time for ___... .
... .then I may allow it but with a trade for equivalent time for ___.

When done right "if... .then... ." is powerful.  It took me years to figure how to make boundaries such as these.

Oh, and since this would be a change to your behavior pattern, expect her to flame out with extinction bursts in attempts to make you retreat back into prior compliant, appeasing actions.  She may never fully accept that you will run your own life, but in time she ought to realize you're not acquiescing to her demands as before and not push your boundaries as relentlessly.

[worriedStepmom]

I hope he ignored her and didn't try to soothe.  She can believe anything she wants.  Nothing either of you do is going to change her beliefs.  What is most important is how - or if - you react.

It is incredibly easy to get sucked in to swimming in their reality, because we are surrounded by it, and, after awhile, their staunch confidence in the crazy makes us start to second-guess ourselves.

Things didn't start to get better until we were able to take a deep breath and take a step backward.  Okay, BPDex is ranting about something.  At least one of us had to be able to look at it rationally and say "that doesn't make sense".  Once we've decided "that doesn't make sense", then we don't need to respond.

BPDex can't sleep unless H is right there next to her?  That doesn't make sense.
BPDex can't do X unless H is present?  That doesn't make sense.
BPDex says she is the only one who can do X, Y, or Z with SS?  That doesn't make sense.
BPDex says H must hand SS over even though she has no place for him to sleep?  That doesn't make sense.
BPDex says she needs to be in your house for whatever reason?  That doesn't make sense.

I don't like that your daughter was asked to be a lookout.  She doesn't need to be in the middle of this fight.  In an ideal world, she wouldn't even know about the ongoing issues.  Does your H realize that besides hurting SS, he's also hurting your daughters?  Also that you (deservedly) trust him so little that you need a child to monitor his behavior?

[Harri]

This thread was locked and split as it reached the maximum post limit. Part 3 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339481.0

Thank you.